Chapter 18
Charlie stared out her bedroom window, watching Evan as he drove off to work. It was Friday and would probably prove to be just another lonely, boring day. The one and a half months they’d been married had flown by. Charlie still went to physical therapy on a daily basis, but, thankfully, Mrs. Turner no longer needed to stay with her all day or drive her to wherever she needed to go. She was healed enough to be on her own and even drive. When Alan had given her the ok last week, she had felt as if a great weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She was finally regaining her freedom.
She loved Mrs. Turner but had felt suffocated from her constant hovering. She also knew that whatever Mrs. Turner observed of her during the day was reported directly to Evan. Evan would know whether she twisted the wrong way, hurting her back or if she relied too heavily on her walker at times. She felt like a five year old with a babysitter reporting all the misdeeds done during the day. She’d come to resent it. So, it was with great relief when she learned Mrs. Turner was no longer needed.
What should she do with herself today? Snow was falling, and she didn’t care to get out on the roads. Christmas was a little less than a month away. If Christmas was going to be anything like Thanksgiving, she’d gladly forgo the holiday.
Thanksgiving had been horrible. Evan ended up having to work that day. They had planned to go out to eat, but he couldn’t get away from the hospital. So he ate at the cafeteria and she ate a can of Chef Boyardee ravioli. But then again, it had been like every other day of their marriage. Why should she have expected Thanksgiving to be any different?
Her depression was deepening. She could sense it. She felt less and less in control of her life. She still walked with a limp and had to use a cane, though she went to therapy everyday. It was distressing and discouraging, and her deepest fear, that she would always limp, seemed to be coming true. To be truthful, her heart wasn’t much in going to therapy anymore. Actually, her heart wasn’t much into anything. What was the use of it all?
On top of that, all the hours of loneliness were almost too much to bare. At one point, she had thought about going back to work. It had been her hope that if she resumed her old schedule and kept herself busy during the day, she would be better able to cope with her depression and crumbling marriage. But there was no way she could sit in front of a computer all day. Her hip couldn’t take it. So, she was stuck at home with nothing better to do than contemplate her lot in life and her farce of a marriage.
Ha! If one could even call it a marriage. The only thing that held them together was their signature on the marriage certificate. There was nothing else. They rarely spoke except in the morning when she got up to fix Evan coffee. Sometimes he called during the day to check on her. More often than not, however, he would have his secretary call. At night, she was usually in her bed by the time he came home. Without saying a word to her, Evan would then go to his bed upstairs. They were living separate lives, sharing nothing with each other except the roof over their heads.
It was heartbreaking and worrisome. They’d been best friends; now they were down to this.
They hadn’t slept together since their wedding night. He hadn’t touched her either. And she wasn’t talking about intimately. She was talking about pats on the shoulder, hugs of encouragement, a simple, innocent touch of the fingers when he handed her something.
Nothing.
It was as if he had it in his mind to ignore her, to be as impersonal and put as much distance between them as possible. That’s what hurt the most. But she had to admit that she wasn’t exactly trying to communicate and reach out to him either.
This whole mess was entirely her fault. Evan had wanted a real marriage but it was she who put the brakes on, who created all this mess with her big mouth on their wedding night. She’d been so foolish to say anything!
Now, she wanted to rectify the situation between them. But how? At times she had planned to apologize, to tell him that more than anything she wanted to be close to him, to work this marriage out, but the moment never seemed right or something interfered. Other times she plain chickened out. This confusion seemed to rule her life, and it was definitely having its negative affects.
Often, she thought of their wedding night. He’d come back that evening smelling of cigarette smoke and beer. She had no doubt in her mind that he’d been to a bar. Did he meet someone there? Did he go through with his threat and find someone to satisfy his sexual needs?
Through the ensuing weeks, Charlie had come to the resignation that he probably had though he may not have met someone that night, but he had sometime since. Evan was a handsome, virile man.
She had no proof he was cheating on her. If fact, whenever she called him at work, he’d always been there. But for as long as she’d known him, he’d never worked six to seven days a week into all hours of the night. What other explanation could there be? There was the possibility, she thought, that he simply didn’t want to be around her. She didn’t know which was worse. Either way, the situation between them was dire.
Tomorrow she was scheduled to have x-rays taken of her hip to learn if it was completely healed. If it was, she could finally get some normalcy back into her life! She could once again do all the little things she had been unable to do before like bend and tie her shoes or sit and shave her legs. She might even be able to lift and carry things over a few pounds. Once things started getting back to normal, it was her hope that her depression would lessen.
The next morning Charlie took her time getting dressed. She was meeting Evan for lunch at the hospital cafeteria before her appointment. They hadn’t eaten there together in almost six months. It would be like old times. At least Charlie hoped so. In her mind, this was the perfect opportunity to set things right.
But she’d be lying if she didn’t admit she was feeling apprehensive, nervous - partly because she had no idea what she would say to Evan and partly because she was going to be in his domain, around his friends and colleagues. They were going to stare at her as she limped in with her cane; they would give her polite smiles. They would feel sorry for her.
But she was determined not to let her fears keep her from going. This was an important step, and if she expected to get back to a normal life, this is what she was going to have to do.
****
Evan nervously glanced towards the cafeteria entrance. Charlie was running late. Where could she be? She was never late. Not that he was clamoring to be in her company, but nevertheless he worried about her - especially since she started driving once again.
Evan was terrified of loosing her because their relationship was in chaos. Charlie was very special to him. But he couldn’t bring himself to be near her, to share her life and for her to share his. The hurt and pain from her rejection was still too raw. He made sure she had everything she needed from having a roof over her head to food and clothing to the best medical care available. But that’s where it ended. He could provide nothing else – that was what she wanted. It was definitely something he didn’t want, but more than anything he respected Charlie and would acquiesce to her wishes. But doing that was definitely not easy. That was why he went to work early, came home late and worked nearly seven days a week. When he did take a day off, he made sure he always had something to do, something that didn’t include her.
Nevertheless, he had to admit that a part of him was looking forward to their lunch together today. The times when he and Charlie had lunched were special and memorable; he missed them. He hoped somewhere between the hurt and awkwardness they could find some common ground and recapture what had been between them. The silence, the living as strangers was emotionally draining and frankly wearing thin. They couldn’t go on living that way forever.
When he finally spotted her coming in the entrance, he immediately felt relief. Watching her as she looked around the cafeteria and started slowly walking towards him with the aid of her cane, he was struck by her simple beauty, the paleness of her skin, her fragility.
/> But she was a different Charlie than he knew before. She no longer carried herself with quiet confidence. She was no longer the vibrant woman who could instantly brighten a room with her smile. Now, there was pensiveness about her as she came further into the room. Glancing nervously from left to right, she avoided eye contact with anyone who looked her way. Her smile was nowhere to be found. Instead, her lips were drawn into a thin, determined line.
What had happened to his Charlie? Why hadn’t he noticed how much she had changed?
Holding her cane tightly in her hand, she slowly weaved her way through the tables. Her limp had not gotten any better. That worried the hell out of him. He and Alan had talked about it on and off several times. Alan had been of the opinion that Charlie may always have the limp. Evan hadn’t wanted to believe it, but he realized his personal feelings had been impairing his professional judgment. Watching her, he had a sinking feeling that Alan had been right.
At the time, when Alan had made that observation, Evan had decided not to say anything to Charlie. It had been too early to say she was going to limp for the rest of her life. She still had a lot of healing to do. Besides, telling her that would have discouraged her. Nor did he want to step in the role of physician to her. Alan was her doctor and was doing a damn fine job. He wasn’t about to interfere with his friend’s doctor/patient relationship with Charlie.
But now she was healed. And Alan would know for sure what her long-term prognosis would be. He had done the same with his patients. With a sinking feeling, he realized today she was going to be told. This was going to be difficult, and he had to make sure that he helped her deal with the blow.
When she drew close, he stood and pulled out a chair for her. “Charlie.”
“I’m sorry I’m late. I don’t drive as fast as I used to.” A brief smile touched her lips.
As she moved around him to sit down, her faint flowery perfume trailed after her. He couldn’t help but think about all the times she had kissed his cheek in greeting, her faint perfume tickling his nose. Until now, he hadn’t realized how much he had come to enjoy and cherish her sweet kisses. He hadn’t realized how much he needed them.
Taking a seat, Evan leaned back in his chair and studied her. How had they drifted so far apart? Not too long ago Charlie had been the one person he felt totally at ease with. They could talk about anything – well almost anything. There were never any awkward silences or uncomfortable moments between them. They had always been totally at ease with each other.
“I’ve missed our lunches, Charlie.”
Her eyes widened slightly in surprise, then she quickly assumed a blank expression. “You’ve been so busy lately.”
The old Charlie would have come out and told him that he’d been avoiding her, which, of course, he had. He was saddened to see that through all the turmoil, she’d lost that fire that had always ignited her soul, that had always caused her to be so direct, the fire that had always made her so alive. She had never been reluctant to say exactly what needed to be said. That was on of the things he liked and admired most about her.
“I have, but I need to take time for myself, for you, for us,” Evan said seriously. “I could be doing a lot better.”
Charlie searched his eyes, touched by his admission. “To be honest, neither one of us has been handling things very well lately, have we?”
Evan shook his head. “I’m sorry I haven’t done better, Charlie. Things have been difficult. For both of us, albeit more for you.”
“We were married under less than conventional circumstances, Evan. I didn’t expect things to be all roses…” she confessed, her voice fading into almost a whisper.
Impulsively, Evan reached across the table and covered her hand with his. He flashed her a reassuring smile. “This whole marriage thing is new to both of us. Things will get better, Charlie. We just have to work on it. I’m willing, are you?”
Charlie looked back up at him, a smile that reached her eyes graced her face. “Yes.”
Evan felt his heart lift; he felt as if ten pounds had been lifted off his shoulders. Finally, he had some hope for them, hope for a happy future together.
It was like old times, Charlie thought. She had missed this part of her life so much. It wasn’t so much the lunch, though it was nice. What she had missed and had needed so much was merely being with Evan. Instantly, the lights in the cafeteria seemed brighter, the food she was eating tasted better, and most importantly, she felt better. It was as if anything was possible, everything would be ok with him there with her. What she hadn’t realized until now was that she needed Evan. She needed his support, his warm smile directed at her; she needed to know he cared.
And he did care.
During their lunch, they laughed and joked, talked about the Rams’ dismal season and the upcoming hockey season with the St. Louis Blues.
“Over the summer,” Evan said, after taking a sip of his Coca Cola, “I repurchased the season tickets for the Blues.”
“The same seats?” she asked, her eyes glittering with excitement. The ones they had had been center ice and five rows up from the action. They had been perfect.
“The same seats,” he confirmed. “I know we’ve missed the first couple months of the season, but there’s plenty of season left. When they play on the weekends, we’ll go. If you want…”
Evan stopped in mid-sentence when he saw her expression change from excitement to trepidation in a blink of an eye.
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to maneuver around all those people.”
“Of course you will.”
Of course, she was being silly. Probably no one would even notice, but she still felt self-conscious. With the limp and the cane, she didn’t feel whole. It was like she was damaged goods and would never measure up.
“Hi, Dr. Collier.”
Charlie looked up to see a pretty young woman in flower print scrubs walking towards them. Charlie watched Evan as he shifted his eyes from her to the young woman. Appreciation filled his eyes as they flicked over her slim, graceful body, then up to her pretty face. Her blue eyes sparked, her skin glowed, her dark hair shimmered. A smile, full of pleasure and appreciation, lit up his face.
Charlie glanced back up at the woman, then back to Evan, feeling like meatloaf next to t-bone steak. At that moment she suddenly wished she had never married him. To be honest, she didn’t have looks, she walked with a limp, and most importantly she didn’t have his love.
He could he sleeping with her a little voice taunted. She didn’t want to think Evan would do that. He was too good a man.
Charlie nodded and said “nice to meet you” when Evan introduced her to the woman whose name she learned was Candy.
Shifting her gaze back to Evan, Charlie studied him. Would he do that? Could he do that? He had the opportunity, but she couldn’t believe he would do that. Evan wasn’t that way. But he’d disappointed her before, couldn’t he disappoint her again?
Charlie didn’t know what to think. Candy left, leaving strained silence in her wake. Feeling bereft, Charlie looked at her watch and said without looking at him, “It’s almost time for my appointment with Alan.”
***
Alan looked from Evan to Charlie, then back to Evan again. Evan shifted in his seat and sighed. The air was crackling with strain. During their walk to the office, Charlie hadn’t spoken to him and had refused to look at him. Now, she sat ramrod straight in the leather wing chair beside him, her back not even touching the chair.
Everything had been great until he’d mentioned taking in some hockey games. Charlie had been concerned about walking with her cane. Evan suspected she was extremely self-conscious walking with a limp and having to use a cane. Before he could reassure her, Candy had arrived. And things seem to go downhill at lightning speed from there.
Alan leaned forward and folded his hands, moving the x-ray taken of Charlie’s hip to the side. “Your x-ray looks good. You’re hip is completely healed, which is very good. Considering th
e type of break in your hip, you’ve healed well.”
“What about my limp? When will that go away?”
“Your limp may never go away, Charlie,” Alan said gently.
“What do you mean?” she asked in disbelief. “I thought doing all this therapy was supposed to help.”
“It did, Charlie. Doing therapy doesn’t guarantee that you will walk normally again, it just helps you get to your full potential. For a patient with your type of injury, you’ve done very well. I’ve had patients who’ve had to use walkers and even worse – they’ve been wheelchair bound.”
“I’m not believing I’m hearing this.” She rounded on Evan. “Did you know?”
Evan shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “I didn’t know for sure. Nobody does…”
“You let me think I was going to walk normally again when you knew I wouldn’t?”
“Charlie, I…”
Angrily she stood. “Save it, Evan. I don’t want to hear your excuses. You’re supposed to be my friend, my husband. Frankly, I don’t know what or who you are to me anymore!” She covered her mouth with her hand, holding back a sob, rushing as fast as she could with her cain into the private bathroom in Alan’s office.
Evan stood to go after her.
“Let her be by herself for a few minutes, Evan.”
Sighing, Evan collapsed back down into his chair.
“I honest to god don’t know what to do. I tried to do the right thing. I didn’t want to discourage her from doing her therapy nor did I want to give her a medical diagnosis when I am not her doctor. Ethically, I cannot do that. I’m too personally involved.”
What About Charlie? Page 20
