Charlie knew some major decisions had to be made. First of all, she needed to discover who she was because she was no longer the same person before the accident. She’d become negative and self-centered. She’d lost the very independence that she had so prided herself in having. In order to move on with her life, she had to once again reclaim the Charlie she once had been. Would she be able to do it? What worried her most was what would Evan say when she told him her plan.
Later that night, when Evan arrived home, Charlie went to look for him in his study. He’d already eaten at the hospital, as usual, and had instantly retreated to his study when he arrived home.
She knocked on the closed door.
“Come in.”
She hesitantly opened the door, her stomach rolling. No longer could she talk to him like she once used to. Those days of openness and frankness between them were long gone. How was he going to react to what she was going to say? With anger? Resignation? Relief?
She hoped not relief.
“Do you have a minute?”
He looked up at her from behind his desk and leaned back in his chair, a wary look crossing his face as he motioned for her to sit down in the chair in front of his desk. Instead of sitting there, letting him be in the position of power, looking across the desk at her, she took one of the chairs in front of the fireplace, forcing him to be on the same level as her. It was important that they be on equal footing.
“What is this about, Charlie?” he asked, coming to sit across from her, looking irritated that she forced him to come sit across from her in front of the fireplace.
Charlie folded her hands on her lap and seemed to study them for several long seconds before looking back up at him. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, Evan. I look at myself and don’t like what I see.”
He raised his right eyebrow. “And what do you see?”
“I see a person who has lost herself. I’ve lost the independence I once held so dear; I’ve lost my zeal for life. I’ve lost my happiness. It seems like I’m spiraling down lower and lower, loosing a little more each day. I can’t go on like this. I have to regain what I’ve lost, Evan. I have to get it back if I ever want to really live again.”
His features didn’t change. He remained as stoic and guarded of his feelings as usual. “Is this where you tell me you want a divorce?”
“No!”
Did she see a flicker of relief cross his face?
Leaning forward, he rested his forearms on his thighs. “Then how do you plan on living again?” He kept his voice even, calm, as his eyes bored into hers.
She hated it when he looked at her like that. It was intimidating and very sexy at the same time. He was not going to intimidate her. “I’ve thought about this and think it would be best if I went up to the farm for a while.”
“I can’t take the time off right now to go off for a couple days. I may be able to clear my schedule in the next few weeks.”
Charlie shook her head. “No. I meant that I go by myself.”
He leaned back in his chair and sighed, his eyes locked with hers.
“I will drive myself,” she continued firmly.
“You barely drive. That’s a long trip.”
“I know, but I need to start somewhere.”
“How long do you anticipate being gone?”
Briefly she looked away from him then back again. “I don’t know.”
“Are you leaving me?” he asked suddenly, a hint of pain filling his voice. “Do you want a formal separation?”
She shook her head. “No, Evan. I am not leaving you. I just need some time to myself. Do you understand?”
“You have plenty of time to yourself here,” he countered.
“I need to be away from here, Evan.”
Evan felt his guts roll. That was all she needed to say, meaning she needed to get away from him. She may say she wasn’t leaving him’, but she was. It was like a knife in his chest. “I see.”
“Do you?”
Evan gave a sigh of defeat. He’d had a feeling this was coming but he’d hoped that somehow they could make it work. Of course, it was his fault. Perhaps if he’d only told her how he felt, things would be different. But he hadn’t let himself trust her with his heart. Now he was paying the price. He put his hand on his forehead then roughly raked his fingers through his hair. “I can’t make you happy, Charlie,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ve tried though I think I’ve done a piss poor job of doing so. I’ve given you everything I can.”
Except love she wanted to shout. What about love?
“Have I treated you so badly?”
She shook her head. He’d given her every kind of material thing that she needed, but the thing she needed most, love, was absent. But how could she blame him? One can’t force oneself to love another. It has to come naturally. How can she fault him for something beyond his control?
“You need to figure out what you want,” he added. “You have to find the peace within yourself before you can find it in your life. Go, Charlie. Go and do what you need to do.”
Then he stood up and left the study, leaving her there feeling cold and alone.
The next afternoon Evan’s heart hung in his throat as he pulled into a parking space in front of his townhouse. All day long he’d wondered if she would really leave. He’d picked up the phone several times to call, but had put it down before he could dial the number. No, he would not call. She wanted her time alone, and he would grant her that request though it was killing him to let her go.
Now as he parked in front of the townhouse, his fears seemed to have come true. The red Volvo he’d bought Charlie only a few months earlier was not in its usual space. It was nowhere in sight. She could be running an errand, he thought hopefully, though he knew he was only kidding himself. Rushing into the townhouse, he raced to Charlie’s room. Checking her bathroom, he found her toothbrush and makeup gone. Jerking her closet door open, he saw that some of her clothes were gone, large gaping wholes where the clothes once hung.
In resignation, he sat down on the side of her bed. He buried his head in his hands.
And in despair he cried.
Charlie was gone.
****
”So,” Alan asked Evan as they sat across from each other in the hospital cafeteria eating lunch, “have you heard from Charlie since she’s been gone?”
Evan shook his head, hurt filling him that she had not called. How had their once close friendship deteriorate to this? “She left a voice mail letting me know she made it to the farm ok, but other than that I haven’t heard anything.”
“And you haven’t tried contacting her?”
“No. God knows I want to. But I want to give her the time to herself that she requested. She is right in a way. There are some major decisions to be made and I don’t want to unduly influence her. I’ve been thinking, trying to see things from her perspective. When I proposed she had no real choice. She was basically forced into marrying me. And to tell the truth I would have never proposed to her if it hadn’t been for her accident. She needs to make sense of everything and decide what she wants to do. And I suppose that applies to me, too.”
“And what do you want to do?”
“I’ve made it perfectly clear that I want a real marriage, a family. What she wants, I don’t really know. I’ve tried my best to give her what she needs, but I guess it’s not been good enough.”
“How’s your family taking the news?”
“I haven’t told them anything. I’m not until I know what’s going to happen. My mom called last night asking if we have any “news” for her – namely if she’s going to be a grandmother. She wanted to speak to Charlie. I had to make an excuse that Charlie was at the store. It was damned uncomfortable not being totally truthful with her, but Mom would be devastated if I told her we were separated though Charlie insisted this was not a separation.” Evan shook his head. “It’s a damn mess, Alan. A damn mess. One that I walked into with open eyes and a heart fu
ll of hope.”
That night Evan could not get Charlie out of his mind. Wherever he looked, there were vivid reminders of her, from the sports memorabilia she’d purchased for him that was now in a glass cabinet to the pinball machine he had in the corner of his study. Charlie had been especially good at playing pinball. Funny to think that he’d never realized until now that after she moved in with him, he’d never once witnessed her playing pinball. How come he had never noticed? Had he been so self-absorbed that he’d never noticed something as obvious as that?
He had a burning desire to call her, but had made a firm resolve not to, to leave her be. But he kept staring at the phone, thinking about Charlie, about how somewhere along the line he’d failed them both. He could call just to make sure she was all right, he told himself. It wasn’t good for her to be all by herself at the farm in the middle of nowhere. But Evan knew that was only an excuse. As silly and sentimental as it sounded, he simply longed to hear her sweet, husky voice even if it was only the word hello before she discovered that it was him on the other end of the line, hanging up on him. It was pathetic of him to be so weak. But was weakness always so bad?
Finally giving in, he picked up the phone and dialed her number, his heart thumping harder after each subsequent ring. She finally answered the phone after the fifth one.
“Charlie.”
The line was silent for a moment. “Evan.” Her voice was cool, guarded.
“I…uh…was calling to see if everything was going ok, to see if you needed anything. I hope I’m not bothering you,” he added feeling like a chump for not thinking of anything better to say.
“No. No, you’re not bothering me,” she said, her voice warming with each word. “I’m glad you called. It’s good to hear your voice.”
A flicker of hope sparked in him. “Yes. It’s good to hear your voice as well. Has everything been going ok?”
“Yes. I’ve been keeping busy going through old storage boxes, reading, seeing old friends, taking it easy.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” Was she happy to be away from him? he wanted to ask. She sounded happy.
“Has everything been going ok in St. Louis?”
“I’ve been busy working. Alan’s wife is pregnant.”
“I bet they’re excited.”
“Very much so. I talked to mom the other night. She said to tell you hello.”
“You didn’t…”
“No,” he interrupted. “When she called I told her you were out. Don’t worry about mom.”
“Evan, I’m sorry to be putting you through this, putting you in a difficult situation with your family.”
“Don’t apologize, Charlie. I’m a big boy and can handle my family. You taught me that.”
She let his last comment slide. There was no point in revisiting that horrible episode when she first met his mother. “So, do you have any plans for your birthday?”
“I haven’t thought about it. I suppose I’ll go play racquetball with Alan.”
“That’s no way to spend a birthday. Did you notice your birthday falls on the same weekend as Fourth of July this year? Why don’t you come up to the farm and celebrate your birthday here? We could have a nice dinner and then go up town and watch the fireworks show. It’s not as extravagant as St. Louis’ show, but it’s nice just the same.”
Was he hearing her right? She was inviting him there? Hope soared in his heart that perhaps there was hope, but he quickly squelched the euphoria. He should read no more into it other than a friendly invitation.
“That sounds good, Charlie. I should be able to arrange my schedule to take a few days off.”
Had she made up her mind? he wondered. If so, what had she decided? He badly wanted to ask her. He opened his mouth but quickly clamped it tightly shut before he could utter a word. No, he wouldn’t ask. He wouldn’t press her. To tell the truth, he was fearful of what her answer would be.
****
Charlie hummed to herself as she grated cheese for the macaroni and cheese she was making for lunch. Evan was coming today. He was due to arrive sometime late morning or early afternoon according to an email he sent her. He didn’t give a specific time.
She was both nervous and excited. They’d been apart for almost a month, a month where they barely communicated save for a few email and one telephone call. They’d communicated more in the past month than the last two months combined when she was still in St. Louis.
What would she say to him? How was he going to react to her? Would the strain and awkwardness that was so dominate between them in St. Louis be present here as well? Charlie desperately hoped not. She had yet to make up her mind about exactly what she was going to do, though she had decided there were three avenues of action – get divorced, remain separated, or get back together. Whether Evan realized it or not, this visit was key to their future. If they couldn’t begin to resolve their issues now, how could they ever hope to have a future with each other?
“Charlie?”
She jumped in surprise and whipped around toward the kitchen doorway, her heart thumping against her chest.
Evan stood there, his demeanor guarded. Dressed in a polo shirt and Dockers, his dress was casual. He looked handsome as ever. “I’m sorry to have startled you. I knocked on the door, but there was no answer…”
“No, no. That’s fine, Evan.” She couldn’t seem to take her eyes off him. “Sometimes I get so absorbed in what I’m doing I become oblivious to my surroundings. You have a good trip?”
“There was a little bit of traffic but not bad.”
“Did you have any trouble finding the farm?” Her heart was sinking to her knees. The awkwardness was still there between them.
“No.”
She wiped her hands with a towel, determined to overcome this awkwardness between them. “Come. Let me show you what I’ve been doing for the past few weeks.”
Charlie first took him to the living room.
“You have done a lot of work, haven’t you?”
“Yes. I got rid of the furniture and bought new furniture. I kept daddy’s recliner and put it in his bedroom,” she caught herself, “former bedroom. I changed the wall decorations, bought new frames for the pictures and bought this landscape print to put over the fireplace. I’ve redone the bedrooms, too.”
She led him to her room.
He looked at her in surprise as he stepped into the room. “Why Charlie when the way it had been decorated was so important to you?”
She looked around the room, letting her eyes come to rest back on Evan’s. “I decided that it was time to quit living in the past. I never really moved on when my mom died. I left everything as she had decorated. I guess this room is symbolic of me and my life now…needing to move on…”
Does that mean you’re ready to move on now? With me or without me? He longed to ask.
“…I did keep the quilt that used to be on the bed,” she continued. “It’s now on a rack there in the corner, but all the crocheted decorations and knick-knacks were put in storage boxes. I thought my own children would like those mementos of their grandmother.”
Children? Perhaps she was planning on continuing the relationship.
“I redecorated Daddy’s room, too. You don’t mind staying in there, do you?”
“No,” he said quickly, not letting his disappointment show. He’d hoped to sleep with her – not do anything sexual – just hold her in his arms as he had done before when he was here after her father died.
“Good. I didn’t know if you’d feel uncomfortable sleeping in there since the one and only time you and daddy met was not the friendliest meeting.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“Of course not. I have eyes, Evan. I could see the way you two were acting towards each other. The tension between you two was obvious.” She touched Evan on the arm. “Let’s go and sit on the porch.”
“It’s very peaceful here, Charlie,” Evan commented as they stood on the porch looking out over the corn fie
lds.
“It is, isn’t it? Before daddy died, he and I got into an argument. He wanted me to come back here to live. I was angry with him and I said What is here? There’s nothing but corn and soybeans! I didn’t go to college to become a farmer! I know I hurt him terribly when I said that. How wrong I was when I uttered those words! I’ve learned since then that this place is so much more than corn and soybeans. It’s a haven where one can come to find peace, where one can come face to face with reality. The isolation, the quiet has that affect on a person. I truly regret telling him that.”
Evan lightly grasped her upper arms and gently turned her to face him. “We all do things we regret.” He lowered his head, his lips meeting hers, tentatively tasting her sweetness. She moaned and then he slipped his tongue into her mouth, deepening the kiss.
Suddenly, Charlie pushed on his chest with her hands and stepped away from him out of his grasp.
“Evan, we shouldn’t be doing this. It will only complicate things.”
“Why shouldn’t we? This is a natural part of marriage.”
“Kissing and sex is only a small portion of marriage. What about companionship, respect, communication? All those things are important, even more so than sex. Our relationship is lacking in everything, Evan, and I just don’t think it would be wise to have sex when we have all these other issues that need to be solved.”
What About Charlie? Page 25
