Flawed

by Pauline C. Harris

  I had recently trudged into the game room, probably looking upset and dejected, which was how I felt. I couldn’t go back to the tent where Jessica and I had spent a lot of our time talking the past few weeks. I couldn’t go back there without Jessica.

  I sighed and looked up, meeting Marian’s gaze.

  She smiled slightly. “Drew, you okay?” she asked tentatively.

  I shrugged. Marian got up from her seat and walked over to me. She sat down across from me at the table. “You know, we’ve all lost people...” she said quietly. “I know what it feels like,” she added sympathetically.

  I nodded. I believed her. I hadn’t missed the layer of sorrow hidden beneath each of the flaweds’ seemingly happy personalities. I looked up. “Does it get better?” I asked with a humorless laugh, surprised I was actually asking the question.

  Marian shrugged.

  I looked down at my hands, which were resting on the table, feeling tears prick the corners of my eyes. I sniffed. “Even if he does come back though...” I started to say, knowing I had to tell someone. I couldn’t keep this in any longer. This terrible doubt that was consuming me. “What if he doesn’t remember me?” I whispered the last part.

  I didn’t need to look up to know that Marian was lost for words. The silence that followed assured me of that.

  “But—”

  I looked up to see Marian’s expressions clouded with confusion.

  “Why wouldn’t he remember you?”

  I frowned slightly. “Because even though I’m flawed, I’ve never remembered people from my past before the Institution.”

  Marian watched me for a moment, her light brown eyes searching for something she couldn’t find. “You never remembered anyone?” she finally asked.

  I slowly shook my head. “No. Did you?”

  Marian nodded. “Yeah. We all did. We remembered our homes, being taken away from them, kidnapped, our siblings, friends...”

  I stared at her for a moment, unsure whether this was true. I knew some of the flawed remembered things, but did they all? “All of them?” I asked. “Are you sure?”

  She nodded slowly, still staring at me with a puzzled expression. “All except you.”

  Suddenly I couldn’t sit. I needed to get up, to move, to run. I stood up from my chair so quickly it made a screech of protest as it slid across the floor. I walked to the window and back again. “Why?” I asked Marian. “Why would everyone remember except me?” I ran my fingers through my hair and then let my hand rest at the back of my neck for a moment. “Everyone?” I asked Marian again. “You’re positive?”

  She nodded. “I’m pretty sure. I’ve never come across someone who hasn’t before now.”

  There was a pause while I stood, staring at my hands, barely breathing as Marian watched me.

  “Drew...” she said eventually. I looked up to meet her gaze. Her eyes were lined with confusion, sympathy, and ... caution? She swallowed as if rethinking her phrase. “Maybe there’s nothing to remember.”

  “Nothing to remember?” I repeated blankly.

  Marian nodded. “You said you have memories of being a child at the Institution?” she asked me.

  I nodded slowly, now starting to understand. “But,” I started, “I was human at some point. I had to have had a mother and father; a life. I wasn’t created there.” The words came out more accusatory and defensive than I had intended.

  “Drew,” Marian replied in a soothing tone. “I’m not saying this is true, but you have to admit it’s a possibility.” Her eyes were lined with sympathy, but I didn’t want her pity.

  I shook my head. I didn’t want to be defined by my life at the Institution. I didn’t want that to be the only part of me. I wanted something else ... something human. “No,” I said. I opened my mouth to say more but nothing came. I closed my eyes. I had fought so hard. So hard to find out what I really was. My past. And then I had fought again to reclaim the one thing that could define me as an individual; a soul. I had wanted it more than anything in the world, and even though I had found it, here I was still wrestling with the facts about what I really was; still fighting for my wish to be human. Because it seemed that no matter how hard I held onto it, it was never hard enough.

  “That doesn’t make you who you are,” Marian told me softly, as if reading my mind. “What you do, how you act, that’s what makes you who you are.”

  I opened my eyes and found them filled with tears. I brushed them away before they could escape.

  “The Institution can change what you are,” Marian told me, “but they can’t change who you are.” With that, Marian smiled and quietly left the room.

  I stood still as her words swirled through my head. What. Who. They are different things, I told myself. They had changed what I was; they had changed me into something mechanical. But they hadn’t changed who I was.

  Who I was. The phrase seemed to stick in my mind; to slowly push its way through my thoughts. I thought about it for a moment. Who was I? I searched for an answer and my expression formed into a frown.

  I didn’t know who I was. And that’s what scared me the most.

  Chapter Twelve

  I felt something grasp my hand, and I opened my eyes with a start to see Michael. Not the perfected Michael, but the old one, standing there, hovering over my bed, and looking into my eyes. I sat up, not looking away from his gaze as he pulled me out of the tent and into the cold, late autumn night.

  We started running, and I suddenly realized I was laughing. He talked to me, telling me about how he’d missed me. His eyes were sparkling.

  We came to a stop in a meadow; although how we got there I wasn’t sure. Michael let go of my hand. I saw Jessica standing about ten feet away, and I opened my mouth to call to her when I realized that she wasn’t human anymore. My words formed into something unintelligible; something closer to a scream. I turned to look at Michael, to see if he saw this as well, but then I saw that his features were no longer comforting and imperfect, but rigid as he turned into an android.

  My eyes flew open, and I noticed I was sitting up in bed. I was certain that my scream hadn’t only been in my sleep. I closed my eyes and started rubbing my forehead. Why had I even wanted to sleep tonight? I hadn’t slept in weeks, and even though I was an android, I needed to recharge. But I should’ve known that sleeping would come with nightmares.

  I lay back against my pillow as I watched the color of the tent change from black to a bright glow as the sun rose. Even though morning had come, I didn’t get up right away. There didn’t seem to be a good enough reason, so I just lay there, letting the warmth and comfort take over.

  Eventually I got up and left the tent. I smoothed down my hair as I walked out into the clearing and didn’t bother changing because I had gone to sleep in my clothes from yesterday, anyway.

  I walked past the houses, past the cars, and down the dirt road about twenty feet. I stopped and stared at the trees around me. I wondered briefly if there even was a meadow anywhere near here. The thought brought me back to my dream, and I shook my head trying to rid myself of it.

  Suddenly I saw a figure approaching in the distance, and at first, I thought it was a figment of my imagination, just like the dream had been. But as it got closer, I began to realize that it was real. I took a step backward, ready to run and warn the others, but then I noticed that the person was limping.

  I started to walk slowly toward him and then I saw that the person was carrying something else. And then everything clicked into place, and my eyes widened.

  Kyle and Jessica.

  I started to run, calling their names and calling to the others near the tents to follow me.

  I got closer, and I noticed that Kyle’s expression had changed to a relieved one, knowing help was on the way. And then my gaze turned to Jessica...

  I stopped running so quickly that I almost fell over. I started to shake my head.

  Dreams don’t come true.

  But I couldn’t dismiss the
fact that the unconscious Jessica that lay in Kyle’s arms was taller, had longer legs, longer arms, and her skin tone didn’t quite match the girl I used to know.

  My mouth was dry, and it seemed like I had lost the ability to speak. I finally came to my senses after a few seconds and realized that, perfected or not, Kyle needed help getting her back to the camp.

  I started walking toward him. I couldn’t bring myself to run, knowing that every step closer would only confirm that this awful nightmare was true.

  I was the first to reach Kyle and Jessica and when I did, Kyle sank to his knees in the dirt. I helped him gently put Jessica on the ground, and I couldn’t help but hold in a gasp at the sight of her. My Jessica.

  She wasn’t my Jessica anymore.

  I looked at Kyle, taking in his bloody and disheveled appearance. “Where are you hurt?” I asked him. I heard footsteps running up behind me, and I knew others had come.

  He shook his head. “Not sure...” he was breathing hard. “I ... couldn’t get her before she was perfected.” He stared desperately into my eyes as if searching for my forgiveness.

  I shook my head. “You brought her back,” I told him. “Thank you.”

  He nodded, trying to catch his breath. “It’s a miracle we got out. Jessica was struggling ... she’s not...” he trailed off.

  Cassandra, Cameron, and a few other flawed appeared beside us, and Cameron started checking Kyle and Jessica for injuries right on the spot.

  “Kyle,” Cassandra said slowly. “Did you...?”

  He nodded before I even knew what she was talking about. “The tracking device is disabled.”

  Just then I noticed Jessica stirring, and I looked down to see her eyelids flutter open. At first she just looked at us in confusion and then she seemed to understand where she was and her eyes widened. She sat up, but Kyle and Cameron were already there to stop her. She kicked and starting screaming at them.

  I had to take a step back in shock. There are some things you can never prepare yourself for.

  Cameron and Kyle hauled Jessica to her feet and started dragging her back to the camp. She struggled the whole way, and even when she met my gaze, she kept shouting. I didn’t know why I thought I would make a difference. Deep down I knew she wouldn’t remember me, but it seemed like yet another hope had been crushed when I looked into her eyes as she screamed at me.

  As Cassandra and Cameron started leading the way to the house where Michael was kept, Kyle stopped short. “We can’t put her in there,” he protested accusingly.

  Cassandra glared at him over the kicking and screaming Jessica. “There’s no other choice, Kyle,” she said sternly. “And we don’t have a lot of time to talk about this.” She gestured to Jessica, who was trying to bite Kyle’s hand.

  They hurried her inside and put her in the cell next to Michael’s. I couldn’t help but cringe at the sight of them both locked up and glaring at me with bloodthirsty eyes. It made me think of the Institution and how we had been locked up, and suddenly I wanted so badly to let them go, but this was war—a fact that I was slowly beginning to realize.

  We walked up the stairs and left the house as I listened to Jessica’s shouts slowly diminish and finally disappear.

  All four of us stopped outside the door and just stood there, letting the wind whip at our hair and clothing, stealing any warmth we had left.

  Cameron shifted his feet in the dirt. “You know, we can’t just continue keeping them here.”

  Kyle looked up swiftly and stared at him in angered shock.

  “I mean, the perfected in general, not the individual ones that you both saved,” Cameron backpedaled. He sighed. “All I’m saying is that we don’t have that much room to house this many perfected, especially if they are enhancing them,” he explained firmly.

  “Well, I’m sorry if this is an inconvenience to you,” Kyle snapped, his eyes blazing.

  “Hey, we all have people we love who have been perfected,” Cameron shot back. “It’s just that not all of us have the luxury of keeping them in cages like pets!”

  Kyle lunged for Cameron, hitting him and tackling him to the ground. Cassandra started yelling at both of them and hauled Kyle up off of Cameron, who lay glaring, wiping away the blood on his mouth.

  “Enough!” Cassandra spat. “We don’t need this. Neither of you do.”

  Cameron scrambled up from the ground, took one last glance at Kyle, shook his head, and walked away.

  I watched him leave. I had never seen Kyle or Cameron act this way. They were friends. But I knew that Jessica being perfected had upset everything.

  Cassandra sighed as she watched Cameron disappear into one of the tents. “So did you learn anything important while you were there?” she asked halfheartedly as if she really didn’t care at the moment, but she knew she should ask anyway.

  Kyle shrugged. “Not really...” he trailed off. “Oh,” he added, looking up to meet my gaze. “I did hear some things about Yvonne,” he said slowly.

  My brow furrowed. That name always brought bad memories.

  “Apparently they found out about her plans of ... well, whatever her plans had always been,” he said with a shrug, and I thought about Yvonne’s constant ranting about her want for complete power. “Well, the creators found out that she was planning against them.” My eyes widened. Yvonne would never be that careless. Kyle shifted as if not sure how to convey his next message. “They said they were going to kill her,” he said simply.

  I stood there for a moment, staring at him in shock, unmoving, unspeaking. “Kill her?” I echoed in disbelief. Yvonne, killed by the creators? She was too smart for that. She was way too smart for that. Too smart to even be caught. But yet she had.

  Kyle shifted uncomfortably. “You guys weren’t friends, were you?” he asked slowly.

  I opened my mouth and then helplessly shrugged my shoulders. “It’s complicated,” I finally told him, but it came out as a whisper.

  Suddenly my mind was racing, coming up with ideas on how Yvonne could escape. On how she would dodge her imminent death. On how I would help her, because even though Yvonne had stabbed me in the back countless times, she had let me go in the street when I had seen her weeks ago. And no matter how hard I tried to forget it, I couldn’t shake the memories of being a kid with her; of being friends.

  “When...?” was all I could manage to utter.

  Kyle’s expression melted into a frown. “Um, by now, Drew.” He threw his hands upward in defeat. “I’m sorry, Drew, I didn’t know you guys were close.” He closed his eyes. “She’s already dead.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  I remember Kyle asking me if I was okay, but I don’t remember answering. All I could think about was the fact that Yvonne was dead. Everything inside of me told me that I knew Yvonne and that it was impossible for her to be dead. The words that had come out of Kyle’s lips told me otherwise, and I knew Kyle wouldn’t lie. Yvonne dead. Yvonne dead. Yvonne couldn’t be dead. But she was.

  I didn’t know what I felt. Shock, sorrow, loss? None seemed to quite fit. I was upset in a way I had never known before. I wasn’t upset like I had been when Michael and Jessica had been perfected, feeling the loss of a friend, of someone you love. My feelings went much deeper than that. To a part of me I couldn’t explain, a part of me I hadn’t explored. I felt empty, confused, shocked, and sad all in one rush of emotion, and I didn’t know what it meant.

  Was I crying? I blinked before the tears escaped. Had I really loved Yvonne? Deep down, had I really forgiven her for everything she’d done and continued to love her, to want to love her, to want her to change? I shook my head, not wanting to decipher at the moment the one thing I could never really figure out. Me.

  * * * *

  I watched as Jessica and Michael talked to each other through the wall. They couldn’t see each other, but they could hear each other’s voices. They talked about the perfected and their immense importance and superiority. They talked about the flawed and their twisted
minds. They talked about the humans and their diminished worth. They talked about Drew, the crazy girl who said she knew them.

  I stayed in the shadows, certain they couldn’t see me, and watched for any signs of the people they had previously been. Of course, I saw none.

  Suddenly my mind wandered back to God. I looked at Jessica through the shadows, just staring. Was God going to bring her back? I didn’t know. That realization hurt, but it was true. I knew why I had been feeling so empty, so lost, so alone. Jessica was my anchor to God.

  And my anchor was gone.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I didn’t know why I spent so much time downstairs watching Jessica and Michael. What did I expect? Nothing. Deep down, I knew they weren’t coming back. At least not any time soon. I had noticed little differences in me. How I hadn’t cried in over a week. That was a plus. For the first time, I hadn’t cried about Michael when I was alone late at night in my tent. I hadn’t cried about Jessica either. Or Yvonne. I was slowly morphing into a girl who no longer cared. Who no longer cared about what more could happen because everything I had loved was gone and nothing else mattered. At times when I felt discouraged, I reminded myself that this made me stronger, and I began to believe it. It was like being numb. At first you felt the cold, it stung, you cried, you tried to get rid of it, but eventually it took over, and there was nothing left to feel.

  Michael was fiddling with something in the corner of his cell. The sound of scratching clawed at my ears as he scraped a rock against the stone floor. Over and over again. I couldn’t tell what he was doing because I was too far away. He looked up, and we held each other’s gaze for a moment before he turned and went back to scratching the floor.

  He was used to me now. They both were. Jessica and Michael knew that I frequently spent my time watching them, and after a while, they stopped caring. I used to talk to them until I found out it was no good. I didn’t know why I just sat here, staring at them. Maybe because every time I walked away, I kept forgetting what they were really like. Sitting here staring at them reminded me, every second, that Jessica and Michael were gone. I didn’t like pretending or tricking myself. I was done with that.