A Little Bit of Trouble

by A. E. Murphy

  “Well maybe your body has built up an immunity to it. Hi, Doctor Jones’ office please.” Yeah, he’s now our family doctor after Maya’s pregnancy. “No, I just need a prescription.” Once I’ve dealt with the call my panic lessens, I turn to Loryn only to find she’s no longer in the kitchen. “LORYN?”

  “Daddy, do you have to shout?” Amelia snaps from the room. Really? She’s asking me that? “She’s in the bedroom.”

  “Loryn?” I ask softly as I open the bedroom door and slip into the room. She’s pacing by the window, looking pretty pissed off. She’s angry at me for fucking up isn’t she? “I’m sorry babe. I’ve sorted it, we’ll pick it up in the morning.”

  She glares at me, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “What?”

  “You can’t just demand that I take something without discussing it first. This is my damn body.”

  “Loryn, it’s just to be safe,” I frown a little. Why’s she angry at me? “Crystal got pregnant with Amelia whilst on the pill.”

  “I’m not your wife.”

  “Trust me, I know,” I say with an eye roll and then cringe when I see the hurt on her face. Ah shit, I didn’t mean it like that… I just meant… fuck. Loryn, don’t do that thing with your lip that tells me you’re about to cry. “Baby, I…”

  “Don’t Lucas, just don’t.” she sighs and her shoulders sag. “I can handle the fact you will never love me like you do her. But I can’t handle it when you bring her up. Please… just don’t bring her up okay?”

  I nod and reach for her hand, “I’m sorry. I just really don’t want another kid Loryn. Please take the pill.”

  “Ever?” she staggers back a step. “You don’t ever want another kid?”

  “No,” I respond without hesitation.

  “And what about marriage. Love? Moving in together? Can I expect any of that?”

  Shit. “Loryn, we agreed not to talk about any of this.”

  “That was then! This is now!”

  “Why are you asking this?”

  “Because you seem to be making all of the decisions where our relationship is concerned Lucas! Do you even consider me your girlfriend? I’m here nearly every day!”

  “I’m fully aware of how often you’re here and I consider you mine.”

  “Yours? What does that even mean?” I open my mouth to respond, she cuts me off. “Don’t answer that.”

  “Loryn, we’ve barely gotten started and you already want kids and marriage and to move in together?” I snort, bad move with the snort. “Sorry. I say dumb things when I’m annoyed.”

  “When you’re annoyed?”

  “I don’t mean…”

  “Just answer the damn question,” she practically shrieks in my face.

  Uh-oh. “What question?”

  “Are you fucking kidding me? The marriage, the kids, the moving in… the list is fucking endless. What are we doing? I thought we were going steady!”

  “We are.”

  “But steadily into what huh?”

  No, this conversation isn’t supposed to happen yet. It’s supposed to happen when I say it’s time. Because this conversation will only lead to one thing. The end. I don’t want it to end yet. I want it to end on my terms.

  “What am I to you?”

  I shake my head and exhale slowly, “It’s over isn’t it?”

  Her eyes widen with fear and her breath hits her lungs sharply, “What?”

  “Well, you’re going to ask me what I want, we’re going to argue, fight. Probably cry a little and then what? We’ll end it because my answer will remain the same… I care about you Loryn. A lot. Too fucking much sometimes. But it’s not enough. I don’t want to get remarried, I don’t want to have another kid. I like things how they are right now and I don’t want to move in together yet. That last part could be a possibility but I can tell by your eyes and the way you’ve suddenly gone pail that, that answer isn’t enough. That I, just me, like this will never be enough.” I stop my rant for a moment and try to accept the reality of what is happening. Pace twice, stop in front of her, rub my eyes and continue ranting. “You deserve the happy ending Loryn.” She lets out a sob and my heart tingles with pain. “I can’t give you that.”

  “So I haven’t changed your mind?” her voice is quiet, weak, and feeble. It slices through me like a warm knife through soft butter. “Not even a little?”

  “You can’t babe,” pressing my forehead to hers I kiss her nose and wrap my arms around her. “How can I give you a part of me that died?” At least for once I’m finally putting her first, no matter how much it pains me to do so.

  She presses her face into my chest and grips my shirt with tight fists, “I love you Lucas.” My chest hurts for her and aches at those words because those words are a permanent link in life. When you say those words and you truly feel them you never forget the person you said them too or the person that said them to you. They’re a part of you forever, you move on, you sometimes lose that love but you never forget. Yet part of me is singing at the sound of those words, because she actually means them and there’s something that feels right about that. You can tell by how much emotion is put into each word. “I don’t want this to end.”

  The worst part is, you never forget the person who didn’t say them back.

  “Then don’t end it,” I’ll get down on my knees if that’s what it takes. “Please.” Stay with me and my fucked up soul. Let me consume you with mindless sex and crazy fights over the TV remote.

  “I don’t want to.” Hope fills me but is crushed when she pulls away and says words that will last a life time in my memories, “But I am.”

  My eyes are burning. Why are my eyes burning? I rub them and flop onto the bed, unfortunately I miss it by a fraction and fall onto the floor instead. Loryn doesn’t laugh, she doesn’t even blink. She just stares blankly out of the window as I stare at her profile from the ground.

  “Tell me you’ll change your mind,” she says and shuts her eyes. “Lie to me. Let me feel ridiculously in love with you for another day. Let me smile whenever I see your name flash on my phone and giggle like a schoolgirl over one of your stupid texts.” A tear slides down her cheek, she leaves it, lets it reach her chin before dripping onto the floor. “Tell me a lie Lucas.”

  Part of me wants to. “But what kind of person would that make me?”

  She doesn’t respond, “I’m sorry I wasn’t enough.” Wait what? “I’m…”

  Jumping from the floor I quickly slam my lips against hers. They’re unresponsive. “Don’t say that. It’s not true and you know it. Hell woman, you’re too fucking good for me. I don’t deserve you.”

  “I need to go.”

  “I don’t want you to,” Yet I find myself stepping back, this time my ass hits the bed.

  “Do you love me?” she looks at me with swollen eyes.

  I really don’t want to answer this, “Babe…”

  “Just answer the fucking question.”

  “I…”

  “Yes or no! Do you love me?”

  “No,” I wish I’d looked away when this passed my lips, because watching her face go from being blank to looking like I’ve just tugged her heart through her ribs with my fingers and stomped on it… it sucks. “Loryn…”

  “I’m fine,” she sobs and buries her face in her hands. “I feel so stupid! You warned me, you told me…” her eyes meet mine and her hands slap against her thighs. “Yet here I am. In pieces on your fancy wood floors and in your fancy fucking apartment and I knew this would happen!”

  “Baby…” I don’t stand. I don’t know what to say or do.

  “I need to go,” she stands up, brushes herself down and wipes her face on her sleeve angrily. “Now. I need to go now.”

  This time I do stand, but I don’t move from the side of the bed.

  “If you could sort out my things I’ll collect them later in the week.”

  “Yeah.”

  She opens the door and steps out, I watch he
r close it behind her. I hear her speaking to Amelia for a moment before the entrance door opens and closes. And then she’s gone.

  And the piece of me that I gave to her, just left with her.

  I’m an idiot, I really am an idiot. How could I think for one second that this would end well? Am I that stupid? I should never have been so selfish. That girl… she deserves the fucking world and all I’ve done is destroy hers. Of course the pain is only temporary, she’ll get over it. She’ll move on with someone like Greg and have the happy life and the two point five kids and I’ll still be here, alone, watching my daughter grow old before me and wishing her mom was here to watch it with me.

  “Daddy, I’m hungry,” Amelia says as she slowly pushes the bedroom door open. “Are you okay?”

  I nod, “Yeah. I just fell asleep. I’ll be through in a minute.”

  “But…”

  “I said I’ll be through in a minute!” I snap, my stresses getting the better of me. Her little lip quivers, she runs down the hall leaving me feeling like the world’s biggest asshole. “Amelia, wait baby. I’m sorry.”

  She looks up at me from the couch and sniffs, her teddy wrapped tightly in her arms, “Why’d you shout at me?”

  “Sometimes adults can be stupid and mean,” my arms slide around her and pull her to my chest. “I’m just stressed and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” We sit like this for a few more minutes before she finally speaks, “I’m hungry.”

  I chuckle, deposit her on the couch and head to the kitchen, “I think we still have leftover soup that Loryn made. That good with you?”

  “Yum.”

  I’ll take that as a yes.

  “Want to watch a movie afterwards?”

  “Yes! Can we watch Monsters Inc.?” she asks whilst bouncing on the spot. “Please?”

  “Sure, why don’t you get that ready? And I’ll make the soup?”

  “Yay!”

  When the soup is simmering at the right heat I serve it into two bowls and remove the warm bread from the oven. I place them on the table and call Amelia through whilst checking my phone for the hundredth time, I’m not sure what I’m expecting but whenever I see the blank screen my heart plummets a little more.

  CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

  Losing Her

  A whole week passes, a week full of sleepless nights and a stressful mind. A week full of finding Loryn’s things, seeing as she’s moved to Marie’s now she’ll most likely want all of these back.

  Why do I feel like I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life? Probably because I have right? I fucking miss her, I won’t deny it. I miss her so damn much.

  Marie: Is Loryn’s stuff ready?

  I want to say no, just to be awkward. I want to drop them off myself so I can see her again. But I don’t, because that would be selfish.

  Lucas: Yeah.

  I throw the last item of her clothing into a bag after holding it to my face and inhaling deeply. Fucking Cherries.

  Marie: On my way.

  She arrives a mere ten minutes later… alone. “Hey,” she hugs me briefly and walks into the room. “Where’s Amelia?”

  “Swimming lesson.”

  “How are you?” her eyes scan my face with concern. “You’ve barely spoken to anyone all week. Are you okay?”

  I shrug, “I’m fine. I just feel like a dick.”

  She lets out a breath and pats me on the shoulder, “Loryn is just as torn up as you seem. You sure this is what you want?”

  “Of course it’s not what I want but it’s the right thing to do.”

  “I think you’re an idiot, but I can see you don’t need to hear that right now so I’m keeping my mouth shut,” she gives a small nod and grabs the bag from the floor by the door. “We’re having a house party in a couple of weeks. You better be there.”

  “I’ll try.”

  She glances at her watch, “I should go. The store is almost finished. Loryn is watching over the finishing touches as we speak.”

  “Right,” I kiss her cheek. “Call me if you need anything.”

  “Yeah, yeah. See ya.”

  My phone rings about five minutes later. It’s Maya. “Get dressed, we’re going for a jog. I’ll be there in five.”

  “A jog?” but she’s already hung up. I don’t want to go for a jog. Yes, I actually whined that last part. Unfortunately, I know Maya and I know I better do as I’m told. Sigh.

  “Hurry up,” Maya shouts, she arrived ten minutes ago, dragged me from my apartment and now we’re at the park, midafternoon, in work out gear, jogging. Well, she’s jogging. I’m dying.

  “Remind me again,” gasp. “Why we are doing this.” Heave. “Because.” Can’t breathe, I grip my knees. “I hate running.”

  “Stop being a baby, we’re doing this because you need to clear your head and I need a jogging buddy.”

  After another minute I stand up straight and pick up the pace, “Why is it I need to clear my head?”

  “Just lose yourself in the running Lucas. Maybe you can figure out why I think you’re being such a fucking idiot asshole.”

  “Nice to know that I’m loved.”

  She frowns and jogs a full circle around me, “If I didn’t love you Lucas I wouldn’t be bothered. As it is, I am bothered and here I am. Let’s go.”

  Fine. I move, my feet hit the soft grass as I go. Clear my mind, think clearly. Don’t I have to stop thinking for this to happen? Loryn would laugh, she knew how much I hated physical exertion unless it was sex. Damn I miss having sex with her, the way she’d tremble beneath me as she…

  “Here,” I catch the water and take a swig before throwing it back. “You’re doing well. Steady breaths.”

  Sure. If you say so.

  “Loryn is good, she’s doing better.” I didn’t ask but there’s the answer I didn’t want to hear. “Did you know Greg wants her?” Yes, unfortunately I do know this. “I think Marie has almost talked her into going on a date with him. Personally I think it’s a little soon but Marie thinks it’s just what Loryn needs.” My fists clench, I really don’t want to hear this. “Apparently he’s asked her out to see a movie tomorrow.”

  “Stop talking,” I gripe and pick up the pace, hoping to lose her. She speeds up and runs beside me seemingly oblivious to my irritation towards her.

  “She and Greg would make a cute couple. He’d be able to love her that’s for sure. I’m certain he wants kids one day.” She runs around me again, much like a shark circling its kill. “What’s wrong Lucas? You’re looking a little pissed.”

  I roll my eyes and choose to ignore her. That is until she says, “And we all know Marie, she thinks sex is the best form of therapy for anything. Loryn will probably bag him on the first date.”

  My heart hammers at the images flitting through my mind. Jealous overwhelms me, I stop and punch a tree, startling a couple of old women nearby. Maya slaps me on the back as I try to catch my breath. “You okay Lucas?”

  “No,” I respond honest whilst shaking my head. “I don’t think I am.”

  “Then stop this stupidity, go get your girl and pray she forgives you.”

  “She’s not my girl Maya. Just because I get pissed off at the thought of that dickhead’s hands all over her…” my jaw clenches as I rest my forehead against the arm that is leaning on the bark of the tree. “Doesn’t mean I’m right for her.”

  “I’m calling bullshit, but whatever.”

  My eyes narrow on the annoying female, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means open your eyes Lucas. You love her, you want her and you’re being fucking stupid.”

  “I do not love her.” I don’t, I’d know if I did. “I love…”

  “Loved, you loved Crystal. Now you hold her memory in your heart and nothing more. You need to get past this.”

  “What, like you did with your dad?”

  Her eyebrow raises, “I did didn’t I? I’ve moved on from that.”

  “Just stop.”

  “Why
haven’t you visited their graves Lucas? They’re not coming back,” Maya hisses, I’ve never seen her act so… mean towards anyone before. “They’re dead. Go lay some flowers on their graves, lay them to rest and get on with your fucking life. You were given a second chance so use it!”

  I laugh humorlessly and raise my arms, “You think this is a second chance? No. This is a god damn punishment. Being the one to survive when the love of your life and your first born child is in the ground rotting away!” My head falls, my eyes close. “Whilst I live with no memories, only a few photos and no trinkets from our time together. This is my second chance?”

  “Yes. It’s a shit one but it still is one.”

  “I love her Maya, I love her. You don’t know her, she wouldn’t want me to move on. And how can I have another child after Annie?” How can I replace them? What kind of person would that make me?

  “You can’t,” she states and swigs her water. “You’re right. You can’t move on Lucas… because you won’t let yourself. But that’s fine. We’ll drop it now and let you do what you want to do.” She closes her water and glares at me. “But when you realize what an idiot you’re being where Loryn is concerned I hope for your sake it won’t be too late.”

  “Realize what Maya?”

  “That you love her.”

  “I don’t love her.”

  “Then you have nothing to worry about.” Her frown turns into a full smile, “Hungry?”

  “Are you going to keep shouting at me?”

  “I wasn’t shouting.”

  “Ha!” I scoff and head back to the path.

  She sighs, “Fine, I promise I won’t bring this up again.”

  “Good, let’s go, I’m starving.” Then a weight starts climbing up my back and pats me on the head, “Giddy up horsey.”

  “You’re a freak.”

  “Now, now Lucas. Horsies don’t talk, they neigh.” You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.