by A. E. Murphy
“Don’t.” I hate the finality behind that word.
“Loryn…”
She glares at me and slowly shifts herself up, I help her get comfy much to her annoyance.
“Are you thirsty? Hungry? Do you need anything?”
“I need you to leave.”
“Not going to happen.”
“You’ll have to leave eventually, for Amelia.”
“Yep. And then I’ll just come straight back,” I’m being stubborn because I’m worried that the more time I give her the less chance I’ll have of being able to make her see just how sorry I am. “Don’t cry.”
She wipes at her eyes and winces a little.
“Do you need a pain killer?”
“Had plenty thanks,” her voice is low, annoyed and her eyes are so damn sexy when she’s pissed off. “Can you just leave?”
I eye the room, mainly so I don’t have to watch her glare. It does things to me; I’m ashamed to admit. “Shall we watch a movie?”
“Amelia?”
“She went back to school yesterday.”
“Right.” Her bottom lip vanishes beneath her top row of teeth. “Lucas. I really think you should just leave.” I watch it ping back out when she talks and shudder a little. Why this affects me I have no idea and I feel like beating my thickening cock for being bad but that would be painful. “Are you listening?” What is wrong with me? The girl I love is wounded and vulnerable and I’m fantasizing about her amazing fucking lips. I need help.
“Yes. You’re just not saying anything I want to hear.” She’s crying again. “Baby, what’s wrong?” Reaching over I place my hand on her cheek. She throws it away.
“You don’t get it do you. You didn’t want me, you didn’t need me. You just used me Lucas.”
“That’s not true!”
“If you hadn’t been such a fucking asshole I would have been with you and I wouldn’t have lost it and I wouldn’t be sat here worried about whether I’ll ever be able to have kids!” Ouch.
“Baby…”
“God!” she growls and slams her hands on the bed, tears falling down her cheeks. “If you had just… If we’d… and then…” a sob makes her body tense and her hands cover her face. “I can’t deal with this. With the letters, the texts, the flowers, the fucking candy and everything else! The music, the… the… dammit Lucas I just need to forget. I can’t forgive you. You hurt me. You broke my heart and now here you are…”
“Because…”
“No!” she practically screams. “No because, no buts, no fucking anything anymore. I’ve heard it, I won’t be that woman that falls for it over and over again. I don’t know why you’re here and I don’t want to know! If I hadn’t lost it would you even be here now? Is it pity?” she gasps for air and continues. “Don’t tell me anything. I can’t, I won’t, I refuse to hear it!”
Resting my hand on hers I don’t blame her when she pulls away and looks away from me, “Loryn, I’m so sorry baby. Please believe me.”
“Good, you’re sorry. Tell me how the fuck that helps me?” Umm. “It doesn’t change a thing, it doesn’t change my body, it doesn’t heal me and it doesn’t help. And it doesn’t bring my baby back!” Fuck. “You don’t help. I just really, really need you to leave!”
I shake my head, refusing to believe she means what she says. She’s just angry right? “Please don’t make me leave.”
“What’s it going to take to get you to leave?”
The admittance that will destroy me. Dare I ask? I’m scared of the answer. “Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me there’s no chance and I’ll leave.”
What hurts worse? The fact she looks me dead in the eye without a seconds hesitation and hisses, “I don’t love you. I was stupid to think I did.” Or the fact she then proceeds to wave me off with her hand as if I’m nothing more than a pesky fly buzzing around her?
With a solemn nod I stand and lean forward to hopefully entice her with a kiss, she turns her face. My lips meet the soft pink flesh of her cheek. I run my nose along her cheekbone and press my forehead against her temple, my hand runs gently down her arm until I find her fingers and grip them tight. Leaning back a little I find her red rimmed eyes and search them for anything. A sign of a lie, a sign of love, a sign that she doesn’t want me to go. All I find in her gorgeous browns is nothing. They’re blank, emotionless like the rest of her face.
“Okay,” my voice is just lower than a whisper. I’m afraid to talk for fear I’ll cry or worse, beg. I should beg, but now isn’t the time. My girl is hurting, and I’m adding to that. So I kiss her cheek one last time and head to her bedroom door. As soon as I open it Marie falls through onto her knees, she blinks up in surprise and smiles apologetically for no doubt eavesdropping. Stepping over her I hastily make my way towards the exit without looking back because I know that if I do, I won’t leave. She needs time. I’ll give her time, but I won’t stop my relentless pursuit of her heart.
It belongs to me, I just need to remind her of that.
Shit. I’ve really messed up. Why aren’t time machines available yet? Why has nobody invented one? I could go back, make sure to put on a condom, or go back and tell her I love her properly. I want to say it but I want her to hear it, right now she won’t hear anything but the sound of her woes swimming through her mind. And what woes they are.
What do I do now?
September 11th
Lucas: When you’re ready baby. Just call me. Until then I’ll wait for you. I swear to you, if you need anything. Anything at all, just let me know.
September 20th
Lucas: I know I said I’d wait but I spoke to Maya yesterday and she said you’re a lot better and getting your life back on track. I wish I could be there to see you smile. I’ve done nothing recently. My business classes start in four weeks. I’m sort of excited. I bet you can’t wait for your salon to finally open now the renovations are complete. How’s your recovery coming along? Are you feeling good physically? Damn I wish I could hear your voice. Will you call me?
September 21st
Lucas: James invited me out next weekend, he said you’re all going to dinner. He also said you don’t mind if I’m there but I just wanted to double check.
Loryn: The table is long enough for us to sit on either end without incident Lucas.
My heart hammers when I see her response. Am I failing? I must be, this is the only reply I’ve had from her for weeks. I’m morbid, I miss her and I’m acting like a damn pussy which is driving me around the fucking bend. When will I feel happy again? I hope it’s soon because there’s only so much more of this I can take before I lose control.
At least I get to see her tomorrow. Fingers crossed she’ll be a little more tolerant of me than she was the last time we saw each other. That day really sucked ass.
CHAPTER TWENTY NINE
Forgiveness.
I’m not even sure where I am, all I know is that I’m supposed to wear a suit and tie. Check. And I’m supposed to be escorted by a waitress, hostess, whatever you call her, to a private room at the back. Check.
“Lucas,” Maya greets me rather formally and kisses both of my cheeks. I feel like I just stepped into an episode of… of… hell I can’t even think of anything that measures up to this level of elegance. Maybe the Titanic? Are us big boys going for Brandy afterwards?
James shakes my hand and leads me over to the long table, there are a few people I don’t know sat at the far end. Maya and James take their seats up top. Marie waves me over to the other end and I instantly spot Loryn.
Dear Santa, thank you so… so… so much.
Her breasts are the first thing I notice, the way the black lacy dress pushes them up just slightly. My tongue itches to trace the plump swell with its tip.
“What’s going on?” I ask quietly as Marie sits me beside her, Loryn is in a deep conversation with Summer on the other side of Marie and has yet to look up. My eyes follow the soft slope of her neck where a few tendrils of brown hair han
g in waves, tickling her pale flesh that I’m eager to touch with my fingers and lips. Shit, Marie is talking. “Sorry?”
She rolls her eyes and kicks my shin under the table, “I said Maya has an announcement to make.”
“So what’s with the formalities? And who are the dude’s in suits?”
“They’re James’ cousins that run the Seattle branches.” Summer answers for her right as I feel a certain someone’s eyes burning into the side of my face. “That guy there.” The one with the pink shirt I think she means. “I have no idea who he is.”
“He’s a wedding planner,” Loryn interjects and we all look at her. She shrugs. “I’ve met him before, a long time ago. Very briefly, he came in to pick up some samples from my mentor in the Hollywood world. And you’re wrong, that guy there to James’ left is Kevin Stanford. He owns an island resort not too far from Hawaii. It’s five star, secluded and absolutely stunning.”
Marie and Summer look at each other with smirks on their faces. “Well,” Marie says with a grin. “Looks like we’re all going on a free holiday.”
Maya stands and clears her throat she then makes introductions before announcing, “So, I have my three maids of honor.” She points at Marie, Summer and Loryn whose mouth falls open.
“I have my best man,” James motions to me and I can’t help but feel my heart swell a little with pride. He tips his drink at me, I do the same.
Maya sits after five minutes of squealing with the women. James forces me over to his side even though I want to stay with Loryn I still have a perfectly good view of her from here.
The conversation is dull and long and boring. It’s all about where the ceremony will be held. Who will do the music and what color schemes would look best. Marie is currently obsessing over the hen party. I’ve promised James I’ll sort his stag do and what a do it will be.
Loryn’s eyes catch mine a few times, every time they slice through me with a blank emotionless gaze. I don’t let it affect me, I’ll speak with her later and beg her to let me take her out.
“So I was thinking of getting a tattoo,” James says to Chris and I. “Of Evelyn, on my chest and Maya somewhere. What do you think?”
I shrug, “never had one, never wanted one so I don’t know what to tell you.”
“I have…” Chris looks up as he counts in his mind. “Eight.”
“Nine,” Summer corrects without even looking our way. “He has nine.”
Chris just shrugs and sips his drink with an admiring smile aimed at the back of his woman’s head. “What she said.”
“As if you don’t remember how many tattoos you have,” James joins in my laughter. “That’s just crazy.”
“I got my first tattoo when I was seventeen,” he points to his arm. “I barely remember getting any of the others.”
“I remember the last three as clearly as if they happened five minutes ago. He insists on using this tattoo artist who is an alcoholic with shaky hands,” Summer sighs and I cringe a little at the thought. “The guy actually goes to the bar a few blocks down from his store and has a shot of whiskey to top himself up in the middle of the day. To help him focus on his work. Yet Chris still uses him. That’s just madness.” Agreed.
“The dude is a legend, he is amazing.” He shakes his head in awe. “That guy could tattoo a person without his sight, I guarantee it.”
“Well, remind me not to go to that one,” James whispers to me and we both snigger a little under our breath. Chris clearly hears us but only scowls good naturedly.
Finally dinner is over and it’s almost time to leave. Marie and Loryn came together so I’m hoping Loryn will let me drive her back.
As I walk over to her she looks around for an escape, I pick up the pace not wanting her to find it. “Hi,” my voice is breathless so I inhale deeply and catch the familiar scent of cherries. Fuck. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” she responds and glances over my shoulder at someone. “What do you need?”
Taking a step closer to her so I can feel her body heat on mine I look her directly in the eyes and say quietly but strongly, “You.”
Her breath hitches, she clears her throat. I clearly still affect her which is a huge relief, “Lucas.”
“Let me drive you home.”
“I…”
“Please.” I beg, desperation showing in my eyes. She notices and I watch her relax a fraction before giving a little nod. “Straight home though Lucas.”
I smile triumphantly and bring her hand to my lips, “Straight home. I swear.” And then I walk away, hoping she’ll suddenly remember everything it is she loved about me and hoping that she’ll feel it again before I get her into my car.
******
My fingers grip the cool frame of the passenger side door as Loryn slips in. I close it and jog around to my side before turning off the radio and putting my foot down.
“Hi,” I smile at her. “So, how have you been?”
“I’m okay now.”
“Good.”
“You?”
“Other than missing you… I’ve been okay.”
“Lucas.”
“Why the warning tone? I’m just being honest,” I glance at her as I drive, keeping one eye on the road at all times. “I miss you, I won’t deny just how much.”
She nods but says nothing.
“So… are you dating anyone?” I ask the question I’ve been asking Marie since Loryn was released.
“After what happened?” she scoffs in disbelief. “Are you stupid?”
Apparently so. “I don’t mean to make you angry. Sorry. It was a stupid question.”
“Yes it was.”
“What are you plans for tomorrow?”
“None of your business.”
“So, if I asked you out for dinner you’d say...?”
“Nope.”
“Well I don’t like that answer,” not even a little bit.
“Tough.”
“Please? I’ve done this all wrong, I know that. Let me make it up to you. We can date again, properly this time.”
She eyes me curiously, “Why? Why do you suddenly want to date me properly?”
Because I love you and I need you. “Because I miss you.”
“No. I’m not interested in dating.”
“As friends then?” my tone is pleading.
“We can’t be friends.”
“Of course we can. We can be anything we want.”
“And I don’t want to be your friend. Where are we going?”
I grip the steering wheel tight in my hands and pull over, her eyes flicker with anger. Before she can object I turn to face her and scan her face for a moment. “I know I fucked up. Give me another chance.”
“You’ve had one of those already.”
“Okay, then give me time. Let me take you out, let me show you just how good we can be together.” Please, please, please.
“No.”
Shit. “Loryn, I swear to you… you won’t regret it if you do.”
“I already do regret it Lucas.” Ouch.
I’m at a loss for words. What do I say to that? “You really hate me?”
She shakes her head, “I don’t hate you and it's not that I think that I’m better than you. It's that I believe I'm worth more than what you can give me.” Now if I wasn’t in pain before… I am now.
“I can give you so much more than what I gave you before. Let me prove it to you.”
“I gave you the chance to prove it to me. You didn’t.” Shit, that sounds far too final for my liking. “I’d like to go home now.”
My fists open and close on the wheel before I give a small nod, “Sure.” Even I can admit defeat… for tonight at least. “But you can expect to see more of me Loryn. I’m not giving up.”
“You should.” Yeah right.
We drive in silence until I pull up outside her and Marie’s apartment building. She doesn’t wait for me to open the door for her before stepping out into the cool night air. I follo
w her up the three steps leading to the entrance door of her building. She stops and looks at me.
“Goodnight.”
I take the chance and kiss her, she turns her face and gives me her cheek. I’ll accept it for now. “Goodnight.” And then she disappears inside leaving me feeling dejected with my tail between my legs on the steps. With a sigh I head home. My life officially sucks.
******
Lucas: I need your help.
Maya: Oooh, I’m intrigued. Do tell.
Marie: Spill it.
Lucas: She’s still not responding to my messages since the night we went out. I need to see her. Please, please, please, set us up somehow.
Marie: I’ll call Maya.
Maya: I’m on it.
Lucas: Thanks.
Now I wait. Like I have been doing all week. There has to be some way I can get through to her. Loryn I mean.
Lucas: I miss you.
And as usual there is no response so I sip my coffee and watch the clock hoping above all hopes that she’ll call, or text, or email, or something.
Maya: Spoken to Marie, Summer and Loryn. Come to mine later. I have it all planned.
Lucas: What time?
Maya: At seven. Bring Amelia.
Now I’m the one who’s intrigued. Time can’t pass quick enough.
“Auntie Maya!” Amelia squeals as soon as we walk into the apartment. “We brought cake.”
“Aww, that’s great,” Maya smiles and takes the plate from my hands. She gives me a little wink and nods to the room. Loryn is through there I’m assuming. In I go.
