Bound by Trust
Page 14
Slowly she rose, peering at him through bloodshot, glassy eyes that spoke of too much to drink, too many tears, and too much pain. He sat down and pulled her into his lap feeling her relent to his presence. Not knowing what else to say or do, he just sat there with her like a child in his lap, rocking and murmuring hushes in her ear.
Finally after a while she began to calm and the tears slowed until all that was left was her breath, catching in short bursts.
“It was all a lie,” she whispered into his shoulder.
“What was?” He stroked her hair and kissed her forehead.
“My whole life, Rafe.” Another sob caught in her throat. “That son of a bitch was having affairs the entire time we were married. He had a complete other life with his mistresses and I’m the one who paid for all the fun he was having. My whole life was a lie.”
“Well, it isn’t anymore. I’m real and so are you. I know it hurts, Madi, and I’m so sorry you found out this way. But you have to believe me when I tell you that I’d never do that to you. I’m not him, and as soon as you feel better we’ll go get that ring. I swear I’ll wear it and never take it off. Anyone who doesn’t see in you what I do is blind. I love you, Madi. Please don’t ever shut me out again.”
She took a long shuddered breath and rubbed her eyes. “Rafe, there’s something else.” A new round of tears began to form.
“What is it, honey?”
“I’m not pregnant again.”
“It’s okay, we’ll just keep trying, don’t worry about it.”
Chapter 11
Madi didn’t open her eyes for the longest time after she woke up the next morning. She hurt so badly all over, she was actually afraid to move. In fact, she wasn’t sure if she could move. What had she been thinking last night? If pain was what she was trying to eliminate from drinking so much, she’d only managed to make matters worse.
Knowing she couldn’t lie in bed all day and shirk her responsibilities, she peered out of one eye and discovered the drapes were thankfully drawn, keeping the light at bay. Tentatively, she rose up and found that the action sent a searing pain ripping through her head. She lay back down, wanting to cry, and rubbed her temples. She hadn’t done anything so stupid since four days after the funeral, when people quit pouring in, and she was alone long enough to drink herself into oblivion without the prying eyes of all those afraid she might lose it. Trying again, she sat up and looked around. There on the night table, was a glass of water, a bottle of ibuprofen, and a package of saltines. Rafe. God, she’d been horrible to him.
She didn’t feel sick so she passed the saltines and took three ibuprofen, doubtful that would be enough to suppress the pounding. Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, she wondered for a moment if skipping the crackers had been that great of an idea then ran to the bathroom. A lot of good it had done to take the ibuprofen. She started a hot shower and just stood under the water not really caring if she was clean or not, she just needed the therapeutic value of the spray.
While she stood there under the steamy cascade with her head on the cool tile wall, she heard the door open.
“Madi?” Rafe’s voice was full of concern. “You okay in here?”
“I’m not sure.” She pulled herself up and peered around the curtain hoping she didn’t look as bad as she felt.
He stood there unshaven in the same clothes he’d been wearing when he put her to bed last night. The poor man was going on two days without rest now and it was her fault.
In his hand was a cup of steaming coffee. “You ready for some of this?” He offered the mug.
All she could do was nod as she accepted it. After taking a drink of the hot black liquid, hoping it helped and didn’t make matters worse, she returned the cup and stuck her head back under the water.
“Can I come in there and wash your back?”
This man had a heart of gold and a resolve of steel. What other human on earth would have put up with her the last twenty-four hours? Most men would have packed their bags at this point.
“Yes, please.”
In only a few seconds he’d joined her in the shower. With her forehead still against the now warm ceramic, she felt him taking her braid loose. She didn’t even realize until then that she’d failed to do it herself. Gently he pulled her back letting the water run through her hair while he found her shampoo. The sharp smell of mint floated through the mist as he worked his fingers across her scalp and rubbed her neck. Leaving that task, he retrieved her loofah sponge, loaded it up with her rosemary body wash, and worked it over her shoulders and back and down her legs. He turned her and tenderly applied the same treatment to her front. With her eyes closed, she allowed him to administer this most intimate pampering. Not only was he cleansing her body, he was coating her soul with the salve of caring. He was giving her the gift of his strength and allowing her to be weak, and for once in her life she didn’t feel guilty or feel as though she was inconveniencing anyone with her grief.
She opened her eyes and looked into his. “Rafe, I can’t…”
He put his fingers over her lips. “I know. I’m not in here for that,” he said quietly. “This isn’t about me, or what I might need, it’s about you.”
He worked his hands through her hair, sending the suds rushing down her to puddle at her feet. When she was free of soap, he took her head in his hands and kissed her forehead. Then he cradled it against his shoulder and just held her, the water trickling over them both. The feel of it running between them across their skin, the unobtrusive quiet they shared, the safety of being in his arms without expectation—it was all so soothing and felt so right.
“Rafe?” She still hung limp in his arms.
“What is it?” He was rubbing her back again.
“I’m sorry.”
“There’s nothing for you to be sorry for, Madi. I meant what I said last night. I love you and I’m not going anywhere.”
When the water ran cold, he helped her dry off and sent her to dress while he went to take care of the horses. When he came back, she was huddled on one end of the couch in a pair of baggy sweats and a t-shirt. Her eyes were shut, her mouth was barely open, and she slept.
He pulled the afghan down off the back of the couch and covered her with it. Then he leaned back and shut his eyes. Fatigue was taking its toll on him as well. He’d stayed awake most of the night watching her and wondering why a little warning hadn’t been tossed his way. At least then he’d have been prepared for the likes of what had happened yesterday. Jared had known all along. However, he couldn’t be faulted for not knowing the evidence would be delivered inadvertently by the UPS man one day. He probably figured he would save her feelings by keeping his mouth shut. But a heads up would have been nice nonetheless.
* * * *
When Madi woke up again, the only remnant of her headache was a dull pulse behind her eyes. Enough water would probably cure that. Her throat and mouth were so dry she wondered if she could swallow. She took in a long deep breath and rubbed the back of her hands across her eyes. Blinking, she looked around to find the room was still in shambles. It was worse than she remembered causing during her rage.
Gretchen wasn’t anywhere to be seen. She’d probably scared the poor animal so badly she’d never have anything to do with her again. Rafe was missing as well and the house was eerily quiet. Maybe he’d finally come to his senses and decided she wasn’t worth the effort. Then she remembered the wall. Sweet Jesus. That was something that would take more than a broom and dustpan to fix. After Rafe had worked so hard to fix it for her, she managed to wreck it. It made her throat constrict to think she’d so disrespectfully hurt him.
She left the couch and padded in her stocking feet to the kitchen, smelling something cooking before she reached the door. After pouring herself a glass of tea from the pitcher Rafe had left in the refrigerator, she peered into the pot and found a delicious chicken soup simmering away. Would the man never cease to give? If he was cooking though, where was he?
“There you are.” Rafe looked up and laid the brush across the top of the paint can. “Are you feeling any better? You look a little better.”
She noticed he’d shaved and the dark circles under his eyes were all but gone.
“I’m not a hundred percent.” She wandered over and sat cross-legged on the floor in front of him. “But I’m closer than I was this morning.”
“I didn’t just mean physically, Madi, I mean how are you feeling?”
She hadn’t expected him to ask her that and wasn’t sure how to answer.
“Well, I don’t feel angry anymore; I think I successfully purged that with my outburst. I think I mostly feel hurt and betrayed.” She sighed and ran a hand back over the top of her head. “We Collier women didn’t do a great job with the first go round, did we? First Mama put up with Daddy for thirty-four years, then I married another one just like him, and Meredith had her turn with Chad. CeCe was the only strong one of us who ever knew what real love was. I miss her.”
“What do you mean you married one just like your dad?” Rafe encouraged her, thinking maybe talking about it would help her.
“Daddy wasn’t the epitome of an upstanding husband. He had girlfriends too, and he kept Mama under this thumb. She wasn’t allowed to have many friends. That’s why she is so wild now I suppose, making up for lost time.” She backed up to the wall and drew her knees up. “Daddy hated Gage, but I guess I know why now, they were too much alike.”
For a few minutes she sat there in quiet contemplation on the other thing that had only served to add to her misery. “Rafe, I want so badly to give you a baby and I’m beginning to be afraid that it’s not going to happen.”
“Maybe we should try not worrying about having a baby for a while. I think maybe we’ve been so wrapped up in that we’ve forgotten about each other. Maybe if we just stop trying it will work itself out.”
“Maybe you’re right,” she relented. “But what if it never happens?”
“Well, then we’ll just have to resort to plan B.” He stood up and stretched his back.
“Which is what?”
“Adoption.” He was so confidently matter-of-fact.
She’d never considered that. Would it be the same though? Would raising a child that they didn’t make take the place of their own flesh and blood?
“Do you feel like eating now?” He reached out to help her to her feet.
“Yes, I think I do.”
Back on the couch, she sat with her legs tucked up under her and the afghan wrapped around them. She accepted the big mug of homemade chicken soup he brought her and looked disgustedly at the mess she’d created.
“I’m sorry about all this. I’ll pick it up after I eat.” She blew on the hot contents, sending steam across the rim.
“No, you won’t. We will. I didn’t leave it here to punish you; I just didn’t know exactly what to do with it.” He reached out and stroked her cheek with his fingers. “I didn’t want to throw anything out that you might actually want, although I couldn’t fathom what that might be.”
“It all needs to go, I don’t ever want to see those letters and photos again,” she said acrimoniously. “Burn everything except his uniforms and anything his family might want. I’ll send it to them in a few days.” She peered over the rim of her mug at him sitting in the big chair across from her. “Did you already eat?”
“Just a while ago. I didn’t want to wake you and my belly was trying to eat itself.”
She grinned at him. “You know you’ve never told me where you learned to cook.”
“My grandmother.” He leaned back in the chair with his hands laced behind his head. “We all had to take our turn, boys and girls, didn’t matter.” He sighed and leaned forward again. “Madi, I put in for leave in two weeks, I want to take you home to meet my family. I think maybe it’ll do you good to get away for a few days.”
“I wonder what your family will think of the virtual stranger you married.”
“I think they’ll be glad I found someone like you.”
Madi looked at him wondering what he meant by that. “What am I like, Rafe?”
“I think you are a completely selfless woman who’s been dealt a lot of bad cards, but instead of laying down and quitting, you keep getting up and dusting yourself off.”
Was that what she did? Funny, she thought having a couple of tirades a year was absolutely selfish. Especially when someone else had to help her up and do the dusting off.
* * * *
Aiden and Jared agreed to take on the responsibility of caring for Gretchen and the horses while Rafe and Madi were away in Montana for a few days. With post-it notes stuck everywhere so that she would feel better about leaving her children, as the animals had been dubbed, and their bags in the back of the truck, they left early on an unbearably muggy August morning.
“I still think we could have taken the Lexus and saved a ton on gas,” she said, watching the hills of Missouri turn to flat prairies as they crossed over into Nebraska. It was still odd to her that money wasn’t an issue and she still caught herself trying to save everywhere she could.
“That’s true, but you don’t want my brothers to laugh at me, showing up in a girly car when I have a big manly truck to haul my woman around in.” Rafe gave her a sideways glance, smirking.
“Good God, I thought we were past the barbarian club-wielding stage of our relationship.” She rolled her eyes and laughed. “Of course, I wouldn’t want you to look like a sissy.”
Turning sideways in the seat and pulling one leg up under the other, she looked at her husband. It was sometimes still hard to believe that she had gone off to Kentucky one day and, on a whim, came back home married to a near stranger. He was looking particularly handsome this morning, as he had put on his cowboy clothes, as she’d tagged them. He wore his faded indigo jeans, a short-sleeved navy and white striped shirt with pearl snaps, which offset his darkened arms from hours of being outside all summer, and his black Resistol sat back on his head. To finish off the wild west persona Madi teased him about, he had pulled out his good ropers, not the scuffed ones he wore when he fed the horses. It was seeing him like this that reminded her of why she had lured him into sex on the patio the first night she laid eyes on him. He was incredibly gorgeous. She knew now that it was by no accident that it had happened. She’d wanted it, and probably willed it, to happen.
After watching the seemingly endless flat lands breeze by the windows and driving for ten hours, they finally stopped in Sioux Falls, South Dakota to rest. Madi had never been on such a long road trip in her life and wondered how Rafe stood it being so far away from his family all the time. Completely exhausted, she dragged her bag to the room followed by Rafe and his bag. While she took a hot shower, he went down the street to the closest take out place to get their dinner, but if she had her way he would forget about dinner when he got back and have her instead.
Knowing he was concerned that they were too focused on having a baby she had decided that this trip would be dedicated to rekindling the fun part of the process. Showered, she rummaged through her bag and retrieved the slinky piece of lingerie Meredith had helped her pick out at that naughty store of hers before they’d left and slipped it on. The sheer ivory bodice barely concealed her rosy nipples. The three ties down the front would give Rafe easy enough access to her breasts, while the sheer panties boasted ties on the sides for easy removal. Lastly, she carefully pulled on the matching thigh-high stockings and secured them to the garter belt around her waist. Once she was dressed she sprayed on some new perfume she’d found at the Estee Lauder counter at the exchange. The woman had cl
aimed it was guaranteed to drive a man wild. The last thing she pulled out of her bag was a bottle of oil that was supposed to enhance both of their pleasure according to the package. Not that pleasure was a problem for them, but she figured a little adventure never hurt anyone. Meredith had tried to get her to buy something much more exotic, but she didn’t think she was quite ready for the medieval-looking orgasm-inducing device. Even though she’d grown fond of their ever increasing scarf collection, she definitely was not in the market for a riding crop. So, she opted to start small and purchased the oil.
With a few candles lit around the room, the lights out, and Kenny G playing in the background she pulled the sheets back and struck a seductive pose just in time to hear his key jiggling in the door.
Unaware that he was walking into a sexual ambush, Rafe tossed the bags containing their dinner on the desk in the corner, took his hat off, setting it on top of the television stand next to it, and sat in a chair to start taking off his boots. It was in the midst of toeing off the second one that he raised his head as if suddenly aware of the candlelight and music. He looked around and saw Madi lying across the bed, froze, then smiled. Without a word he finished taking off his boots, pulled his shirt off, and approached the bed. Standing beside it with his one hand on his hip, he rubbed his forefinger across his upper lip. He turned up one corner of them and looked down at her.
“I think I have the wrong room,” he told her. “My wife was wearing a pair of jeans and a purple plaid shirt when I left.”
“Well, if you stay and play, I won’t tell her,” Madi purred.
She rose to her knees and crept over to the edge of the bed, ran her hands up his chest, then razed him with her nails back down his ripped stomach to the waistband of his jeans. Slowly she unbuckled his belt, unzipped his jeans, and pushed them down far enough to reveal his quickly swelling cock. Leaning into him, she ran her tongue the length of it, causing him to stiffen further and the head to tap his abdomen. She conjured up an innocent look and took him in her fist. After several slow strokes up and down, she held him at his base and took him between her lips, running her mouth down as far as she could take him until he hit the back of her throat.