Bound by Trust

by Lila Munro

  She couldn’t believe she’d missed the most elementary of symptoms. Then again, it had been ten years since she’d been pregnant with Shannon and looking back on it now she realized that with Gage deployed and all the other stressors she’d been under, that whole time was a blur. She didn’t even remember the first time she knew she was going to have a baby or what prompted her to even think she might be. There were no memories of morning sickness, dizzy spells, swollen feet, or exhaustion. There had only been the constant worry if her husband would make it back in one piece, then she woke up one day to find her womb empty, and what had been there was no more. The initial happiness she’d felt moments before, was quickly replaced by the hand of fear gripping at her heart.

  “Honey, you need to see your doctor, there is no telling how far along you actually are.” Meredith smiled and touched Madi’s belly. “I think I’m finally going to be an aunt.”

  “Please don’t say anything to anyone else, Meredith. I want to be sure first, and make sure everything is okay before I tell Rafe. He’s stressed enough over this E-8 promotion board that’s coming up.”

  “Your secret’s safe with me.”

  The first appointment available with the obstetrician wasn’t until the middle of November. Waiting for so long was about to drive her insane, and she even thought once about going to a civilian doctor and paying for it out of her pocket so she could find out for sure if she was or wasn’t. She’d only had a one day episode of spotting at the end of October and nothing since then. Nearly positive now that she was indeed pregnant, she wanted to be able to tell Rafe before he found out about his promotion, so they could maybe have some say so in when they would have to move. She didn’t want to move close to her due date and have to worry about changing doctors or possibly be living in a Motel Six when she went into labor.

  Finally, the Monday after Thanksgiving, she found herself sitting in the waiting area of the obstetrics clinic. She nervously flipped through a parenting magazine, but didn’t know a single word she had read.

  “Mrs. McCarthy?” A young red-headed nurse called her back. “How are you feeling? I’m Linda by the way.” She had Madi on the scale weighing her.

  “I’m feeling pretty good, nervous.”

  “Well, don’t be, Dr. Pearlman is a great doctor and he specializes in high risk pregnancies.”

  “High risk?” Madi started to pale.

  “Yes, in your record we noted what happened with your first pregnancy, and with your age being so close to thirty-five, the doctor thought it was best to go ahead and treat you as a high risk.”

  Madi swallowed hard, trying to push the bile back down her throat that was building. The memories of Shannon came flooding back and the room spun, while bright white spots filled the near blackness overtaking her senses.

  “Whoopsy.” Linda pulled a chair under her and eased her into it just before she fell. “There you go.” She helped her put her head between her knees until the spinning stopped.

  Madi rose up and took a breath.

  “Are you okay now?” Julie asked, handing her a glass of juice.

  “Yes, thank you.” She took the juice and followed her down the hall into an exam room. “So, I am sure you know the drill, you can leave your socks on, and I’ll be back with the doctor soon.”

  Madi stripped down, put on the white gown with blue flowers on it, and climbed on the table. She’d never contemplated the possibility that it might be dangerous for her to carry a baby, the doctor had told her a few months ago that it would be fine to get pregnant. Nervously she tapped her fingers along the edge of the hard vinyl wrapped cushion, wishing this were over with. After several minutes of fretting, there was a knock on the door and Dr. Pearlman stepped in.

  “So, Madi, I’m Dr. Pearlman.” He stuck out a slender hand with long fingers. “How do you feel today?”

  “Well, I was nervous when I first got here, but now I’m just plain scared.”

  “That’s not good, what has you spooked?” He took a seat on the metal three-legged stool and gave her his full attention.

  Taking a calming breath, she told him all her fears starting with everything that had happened during her pregnancy, ending with what had happened with Shannon.

  “Okay, so just let me start by telling you, I completely understand all your fears. I cannot guarantee that you won’t suffer preeclampsia again, but I can tell you we know much more about it now than we did ten years ago. We will keep a very close eye on your blood pressure and the proteins in your urine. At the first sign anything is even remotely wrong, we will deal with it. And due to your age, and the circumstances surrounding your first pregnancy, we will be scheduling a C-section, you won’t be having a natural delivery.” He paused, allowing her to absorb everything. “Do you know when your last period was?”

  “Not completely, that’s why I haven’t been to see you until now. I missed at the end of August but then for the last three cycles I’ve spotted, so I didn’t realize I might be pregnant until my sister, in all her infinite wisdom, decided I was a few weeks ago.”

  “Well, your urinalysis confirmed you are indeed pregnant, and right now your proteins are fine, so you can stop worrying about that for the present.” He was busy looking over her medical records and making notes. “I’m going to send you down to ultrasound after I examine you to see if we can’t get a handle on this due date for you.”

  With her laid back on the table, Dr. Pearlman began poking and prodding along her abdomen, then internally, and finally let her sit up again.

  “Everything looks normal so far, Madi. I want you to watch what you eat, really watch your sodium intake, and get your exercise, and see me again in four weeks. But, if you have any questions at all, you don’t hesitate to call immediately, day or night. My service will page me in any emergency, and if anything seems the least bit abnormal to you, go to the emergency room.”

  Downstairs, she was led into a tiny darkened room and a young male ultrasound technician helped her pull her blouse up and her pants down enough that he could run the probe along her lower belly. He had no trouble whatsoever locating the tiny baby growing there, and soon there were arms and legs racing across the screen.

  “Look at that, Mommy, so far he or she looks very good, and from the looks of it you should deliver sometime around May 17.” The tech smiled at her and ran the probe around some more, capturing some still images of her tiny miracle. “That will make a wonderful Mother’s Day gift.”

  “Yes, it certainly will.”

  * * * *

  “Rafe, what the hell is wrong with you this week?” Aiden demanded. “You’ve been a sheer bear to be around, and if you don’t watch it, one of the kids is going to turn you in for harassment or hazing or something. You can’t run them until they pass out anymore.”

  “They need to learn to listen, Aiden. When they get over there who is going to watch their asses then?” Rafe shot back, glaring at this friend.

  “No, you’ve never been this tough on any of them before. What’s really going on? Is something wrong between you and Madi?”

  Rafe hung his head and leaned his elbows across his thighs, not wanting to discuss his and Madi’s personal issues.

  “Look, Rafe, this isn’t Marine to Marine, this is brother-in-law to brother-in-law. What the hell is going on? I don’t want to see you get your diamond jerked before you even find out if you got it or not.”

  Rafe debated on how much to confide in Aiden before answering. “Something is wrong with her but I have no idea what, and she won’t talk to me about it. We haven’t had sex in six weeks.”

  “Is she pregnant?”

  “I don’t think so; she had her Mother Nature visit, as she puts it, a few weeks ago. I think she’s tired of trying, and maybe tired of me, too.”

  When Madi got home she couldn’t wait for Rafe to get in, so she could tell him their wonderful news. They had finally managed to make a baby and she was sure he was going to be the happiest daddy on planet ear
th. At a little after four, he pulled in and she waited nervously on the couch ready to tell him what she’d learned just hours before.

  “Hey, you,” she greeted, noting the cloud of anger across his face. Maybe tonight wasn’t a good time after all. “Did you have that bad of a day?”

  “Yes, how was yours?”

  “Obviously a lot better than yours was.” She got up and started toward him. “What’s going on?”

  “Why don’t you tell me?” he growled.

  “Tell you what?” Her eyebrows were raised as she wondered what he was talking about. He had never so much as raised his voice at her, let alone been a complete jerk.

  “What’s wrong with us, Madi? Are you tired of me?”

  “Rafe, I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.” She watched as he picked up his keys and headed back out the door. “Where are you going?”

  “Out.”

  When he came back after two that morning, smelling like hops and perfume, Madi turned her back and acted like she didn’t hear him.

  Chapter 13

  Friday afternoon, Madi found herself perusing the meat counter at the commissary, looking for the best cut of beef she could find. Rafe had spent three of the last four nights out, although he hadn’t come home with perfume on his clothes since the first time he’d left her home alone. Determined to find out what was wrong with him, she’d decided to fix him a nice candlelight dinner in an effort to convince him to stay home and tell her what was bothering him. She’d tried to find out if the board had made its selections, thinking perhaps he’d been passed over and that had set him off, but all Aiden would tell her was that the selections had been made, but had yet to be posted. When she found out that apparently wasn’t the problem, she’d further questioned her brother-in-law as to Rafe’s nightly disappearances only to run into a brick wall when he informed her he wasn’t interested in getting involved in their little spat.

  Meredith was no help either. She claimed Aiden hadn’t told her anything either, and they were having a bickering match of their own over perspective baby names. She wanted something exotic like Sienna or Cooper, and he wanted to go more traditional with Lindsay or John. If only her troubles were so simple. The best Madi hoped for at this point, was a baby at all and healthy if at all possible.

  With two T-bones, two perfect baking potatoes, some fresh asparagus and a bottle of sparkling grape juice, she went home to try to win her husband back through his stomach. While the steaks were grilling, she signed the congratulations card she’d purchased, telling him of their news and filled it with the black and white photos of their creation. Whatever this misunderstanding was about, she was tired of it and wanted to right things.

  Dressed in a new pair of black jeans complete with elastic waist and a purple pleated pullover top that hid her almost evident baby bump, she sat in the kitchen and waited for him to show up. At half-past ten she called Aiden. If he wouldn’t tell her where he was, she was going to go hunting him herself.

  “Aiden, Rafe didn’t come home again, please tell me what you know,” she pleaded with him.

  “Madi, I told him I would keep to myself what he told me.”

  “Look, has Meredith told you what is going on with me?” She was becoming quite irritated with Rafe’s irrational behavior and Aiden’s evasiveness.

  “No, she has not, and I don’t want to know. I already know more than I need to, and would prefer to be left out of the whole thing. I made the mistake of asking him what was wrong and got more than I bargained for.”

  “Look, it is important, and he needs to know what I…”

  “I do not want to know, Madi,” he interrupted her. “Now I…”

  Before he could finish his thought, she cut him off at seeing the headlights of Rafe’s truck glance off the piano top.

  “Never mind, Aiden, I see him pulling in now.”

  Irritated, she sat at the table, waiting for him to come in. She stared at the now cold feast she had prepared for him and watched the taper candles flicker out, now only two white nubs jutting out of the crystal candelabras. If he wanted to stay out and play fine, he could at least call and let her know he was all right and not somewhere in a ditch bleeding. Lately, her thoughts had wandered back over the times Gage had left her stranded at home, wondering where he was and what he was doing. How Rafe could now turn on her like this after knowing what he’d put her through was beyond reasoning.

  She heard the back door ease open and watched him trying to be quiet as he slipped into the darkened kitchen, the stove light the only source of light, since the candles had breathed their last.

  “I’m still up, Rafe, there’s no need to tiptoe.” She tapped her fingers on the bleached linen cloth that she’d dressed the table with.

  He shut the door, came in, and sat across from her, sitting in silence.

  “Rafe, what is going on?”

  “I could ask you the same thing, Madi. You haven’t let me near you for over six weeks now.” He fingered the silver fork next to the untouched china plate she’d carefully set out.

  “Is that what this is about? You think I don’t want you anymore?”

  “Well, what else am I supposed to believe? Things were fine until your sister’s wedding, then it seemed to hit the fan and things haven’t been right since then.” He looked at her with injured eyes.

  “Rafe, I still want you, I just haven’t been myself lately. I’ve not felt up to par.” She ran her hand over her belly and smiled.

  “So, you don’t want a divorce?”

  “Of course not. I can’t believe you’d even think that.” She hesitated, not knowing for sure she wanted the answer to her next question. “Are you sleeping around? I need to know the truth, Rafe; I smelled perfume on you the other night.”

  Rafe ran his hand over his forehead. “No, Madi, absolutely not.” He looked up at her doubt-filled eyes. “I swear to you, I told you I’d never to do that to you and I meant it. I drove someone home the other night; they were too drunk to drive. The inside of the truck still smells like Chanel.”

  “Okay,” she conceded, unsure if that was the entire explanation being as he could so easily identify the brand, but accepted it for now. “Did you find out about the promotion yet?” She needed to know that before she told him her news.

  “Yes, the list came out today.”

  “And?”

  “And my name is on it. The monitor called me already and we’re going to have to move.” His tone was still quite harsh.

  “When?”

  “I have to report to Camp Lejeune no later than May tenth. The unit I’m going to is deploying at the end of summer.”

  That wasn’t what she needed to hear. Seven days before she was due? How was that supposed to work?

  “Rafe, I need to tell you something.” She paused and took a breath mustering up the courage to ask if he could get the orders pushed back just long enough for her to deliver and be ready for travel. “I don’t think I can go…”

  “God damn it, Madi, what do you mean you can’t go?” He pushed the chair back, got to his feet, and went into the bedroom.

  “Rafe, you don’t understand,” she begged him, following. “I can’t…”

  “I don’t want to hear it, Madi.” He had dragged a bag from the closet and was stuffing clothes into in. “I am tired of your insecurities and having to live in Gage’s shadow. First you tell me you’ll back me a hundred percent, now you’re waffling, which is it? Can you support me or not?”

  “Yes, but, there’s something you…”

  “No buts, either you can or you can’t. I have been patient; I have loved you through your tirades and crying spells, picked up the pieces of someone else’s mess, and for what? So you can change your mind at will, like the wind changes direction? You’re never going to trust me.”

  She watched aghast at his outburst as he zipped the bag and started out the door.

  “Please, Rafe, just let me explain…I’m…”

  “Save
it, Madi.” The door slammed behind him and hot tears ran down her cheeks in silent streams as she watched him back out of the driveway and out of her life.

  For two days she tried to call him without response. She didn’t have the courage to tell anyone what had happened and suffered alone until Sunday when Liz wandered over and found her sleeping on the couch with Gretchen laying behind her legs looking worried.

  “Madi, what is going on over here? I haven’t seen Rafe’s truck home in two days and you looked exhausted this morning feeding those horses by yourself.” Liz sat in the big chair leaned over trying to get Madi to make eye contact with her.

  “He’s gone.”

  “What does that mean, gone? Where did he go?”

  “I’ve no idea and he won’t answer his phone.”

  Just like she had some months back, Liz got on the phone and bade Jared’s presence. Madi broke down and told them the whole sordid tale, starting with what had happened at the wedding, and ending with the argument they’d had Friday evening that had erupted into a one-sided yelling match finalized by his departure.

  “I’ll go find him,” Jared said, sighing and getting up from the end of the couch.

  “No, you won’t,” she insisted. “I don’t want you to.”

  “Madi, he needs to know. He would never have left if he knew.”

  “Maybe that’s so, but if he really cared, he would have stopped acting like a jackass long enough to let me explain.” She sat up and toyed with the fringe on the afghan she’d been wrapped up in. “Promise me, if you see him you won’t say anything. I don’t want him to come back just because I’m going to have his baby.”

  Two days turned into five, and they turned into two weeks. Madi tried to carry on as normally as possible. She was up to ten students now and the rehearsals for the Christmas recital she had planned for the week prior to the holiday kept her busy. Unable to find a venue with an available piano and appropriate acoustics, she opted to have the recital in her house. As she decorated the tree Aiden and Jared had managed to wrangle in through the front doors for her and set up beside the fireplace, she wondered what Rafe was doing.