Scary Dead Things (The Tome of Bill Book 2)

by Rick Gualtieri

  I decided to do what I did best, play dumb. “Nope. It was a quiet weekend, Dad.”

  “I’m sure it was,” he replied in a tone that said he didn’t even remotely believe me. “Your mother and I appreciate you coming down and keeping an eye on the place while we were at the beach.” The beach in this case being the many casinos down in Atlantic City.

  “No problem, Dad! Anyway, well I gotta...”

  “Hold it!” commanded the voice on the other end. “I guess I won’t beat around the bush. What the hell did you do to Angel?” At the mention of her favorite cat, I could hear my mother wailing and carrying on in the background. It pretty much sounded like she was in the middle of a major freak-out. Not too surprising, all things considered.

  “Mom sounds kind of upset.”

  “I noticed,” my father said, sarcasm oozing out of his voice. “Do you want to know why?” he asked, despite the fact that I had a pretty good idea and he most likely knew it.

  “Why?” I asked innocently.

  “Because right now she’s vacuuming up a pile of Angel dust.”

  “Angel dust? You know, she should hold on to that. I hear the street value’s off the charts if it’s the good stuff.”

  “I’m not laughing, William.”

  “Sorry, sir,” I automatically replied, despite being an adult, having a job, living on my own, and ... oh yeah ... being a freaking vampire. “What happened?” I asked, genuinely curious. After all, I wasn’t entirely sure how things had played out ... especially since I’d made it a point to bug out before my parents got home, even going so far as donning a hoodie, sunglasses, and ski mask so as to brave the daylight without bursting into flames. It probably wasn’t the manliest way I could have handled the situation, but I’ve always thought there’s a fine line between bravery and idiocy. Sticking around would have definitely crossed that line.

  “When we got home, your mother noticed the cat was acting a little strange,” my father explained. “It was hissing and carrying on.”

  I again adopted an innocent tone. “They’re cats. They go loopy every now and then.”

  “Don’t be stupid. You know Angel,” he chided. “You could step on the stupid cat’s ... sorry, dear ... head, and she wouldn’t bat a whisker. But not today. When we got home, she was going absolutely nuts. And there was something wrong with her eyes. They had gone all black like a shark’s. That definitely was not normal.”

  “Distemper?” I unhelpfully offered.

  “Not unless it was the most extreme case of distemper there’s ever been,” Dad continued. “Your mom was a mess. Made me go get the cat carrier so we could rush her to the vet.”

  Oh boy, I think I knew where this was going.

  “I had the damnedest time getting her in it, too. Little bitch kept going after me.”

  “She didn’t bite you, did she?” I hadn’t considered that earlier. I wasn’t even sure she could pass it back to humans, but it was a risk I wasn’t really willing to take ... at least not with my parents.

  “No, but she came damn close. I had to put on some work gloves to finally get her in. Then it got weird.”

  Yeah, I bet it did. “I’m listening.”

  “Your mom got in the car, but I had left my wallet in the house. I sat the cat carrier out on the walk and went back inside to grab it, and then...”

  “In the sun?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

  “What?”

  “Did you leave the carrier in the sun?” I repeated.

  “I don’t know. I guess so. What does it matter? All I know is that one minute it’s quiet, and the next I hear your mother carrying on like a mad woman. I ran back outside, and do you know what I found? The cat carrier was on fire. I’m not just talking a few sparks, either. It was like someone doused it with rocket fuel.”

  I was definitely starting to get a sinking feeling in my stomach.

  “By the time I got the hose, though, the fire was already out. The damnedest thing was the cat. I was expecting her to be all burnt up, but there was nothing left. She was completely vaporized. All that was left was a pile of ashes with her collar sticking out of it.”

  “Wow. That’s ... bizarre,” I said, severely understating the whole thing.

  “Yes, bizarre is one word for it. So that’s why I want to know whether or not anything odd happened this weekend while you were around.”

  “No idea,” I lied. “Like I said, Dad, it was a slow weekend. Barely saw the cat. She kept to herself. Other than that, not much going on ... hello, Dad? Dad? I’m losing you. We’re heading into a tunnel. I’ll buzz you back when...” and then I disconnected the call as I had no idea what else to say.

  Ed and I drove on for another mile or so, and then he said, “I know I only caught part of that conversation...”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “But was that about what I think it was?”

  I sighed and decided I might as well confess. It was going to be a long drive otherwise. “My mom’s cat, Angel...”

  “Yes?”

  “I kinda, might have...”

  “Yes?”

  “Turned her into a vampire,” I finished.

  “YOU WHAT?!” he yelled, just barely managing to keep the car from swerving off the road.

  “Turned it into a vampire.”

  “Why?”

  “It was an accident.”

  “How was it an accident?”

  “Well, as you had suggested, I got pretty wrecked this weekend,” I said with a guilty grin.

  “And how does that lead to an immortal demon cat?”

  “Well, like I said, I was pretty messed up. I guess when vampires get the munchies they don’t automatically go for the nachos like everyone else.”

  “That’s fucked up, man.”

  “I know.”

  “It’s your mom’s cat!”

  “Was my mom’s cat.”

  “I mean, I don’t even like cats,” he continued, “and I still think that’s fucked.”

  “Yes, I get it. I didn’t mean to vampirize the damn cat. It just kind of happened.”

  “Is that even a word?”

  “It is now,” I snapped. “And then when she woke up from it...”

  “I’m listening.”

  “I guess I kind of fooled myself into thinking that maybe I had dreamt it all.”

  “I take it from your dad’s call that you were wrong on that front.”

  “Definitely not a dream.”

  “Fucked up,” he repeated.

  We drove on again in silence for a few minutes until I heard Ed chortle. I turned to see him grinning and trying ... and failing ... to suppress laughter.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked.

  “I was just thinking...”

  “Yeah?”

  “There is a bright side.”

  “Do tell.”

  “When we get home, you at least get to tell Tom about how you got to eat some pussy this weekend,” he said, finally cracking up laughing.

  “Not funny,” I said, but it was a lie. Put that way, it was actually pretty goddamned hilarious. I soon joined my roommate. We laughed for a good long while until my phone rang again.

  “Oh shit,” I said, tears still pouring down my face.

  “Time to get back on the clock, my man,” Ed commented.

  He was right. I couldn’t put this off. I just hoped I could think of something to tell my parents that sounded more convincing than, “Sorry for vampirizing your cat, Mom and Dad.” I picked up the phone and answered it.

  “Listen. Tell Mom I’m sorry about her cat.”

  “Tell her your damn self,” replied Sally from the other end. “I’m not your goddamned answering service.”

  “What?” I blurted out. “What are you doing on the line, Sally?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. I was lonely, what with you on vacation and all, and thought maybe I’d give you a buzz so you could talk dirty to me. But I’m afraid I have to draw t
he line at letting you call me mommy ... or daddy, for that matter,” she quipped.

  “I can think of a few other words for you.”

  “I’m sure you can, but think of them while you’re packing. Vacation’s over.”

  “What?”

  “You heard me,” she said with an impatient sniff.

  “Why am I packing?”

  “Because that’s what people do when they take a trip, unless they plan on traveling naked, and if that’s your plan, then please let me know so I can make sure I never have the same itinerary as you.”

  “Hold on. What trip?”

  “The one you’re taking,” she said as if speaking to a moron.

  “Why don’t we start over, and you tell me what’s going on?”

  “I thought you’d never ask,” she replied in that annoyingly chipper tone she adopted whenever she knew she was pissing me off. “You’re going to China.”

  “What?! Why the hell would I go to China?”

  “James’s orders. He called and requested your presence.”

  “Why?”

  “Beats me. You can ask him that in person in about two days.”

  “I don’t even have a passport,” I protested.

  “Wow, that’s kind of sad,” she said. “Not surprising, mind you, just sad. Fortunately, you don’t need one.”

  “Why wouldn’t I need a passport to get into China? Pretty sure they check those things there.”

  “Because it’s a long flight, and since commercial airlines tend to have rules against their passengers going up in smoke when sunlight hits them, I made some alternate arrangements.”

  “Define alternate arrangements.”

  “You, my friend,” she replied, putting even more chipperness into her voice, “have been booked into a first class coffin in the cargo hold.”

  “WHAT?!” I screamed into the phone.

  “You’re welcome. By the way, you might want to pack a pillow.” Click.

  Bitch!

  A Sandwich with a Side of Chips

  I’m sure there were some powers-that-be somewhere who had a good laugh at the irony. There I was looking for a vacation away from the coven, and I wound up getting a vacation, all right ... all the way to fucking China. Why? No idea. If Sally knew, she wasn’t very forthcoming, and it’s not like I had James’s cell phone number.

  Speaking of which, travel aside, the thought of running into James again produced some mixed feelings in me. While I wasn’t exactly sure of his true age, I was led to believe that he was in the neighborhood of six-hundred plus years old. Supposedly, he had been a contemporary of Marco Polo himself. That wasn’t one-hundred percent relevant. What was, though, was that James was in charge of all vampire related business in the Northeast United States. All of the covens in that area, mine included, were answerable to him. He, in turn, answered directly to the Draculas, the coven of the thirteen most powerful vampires from whom all of our rules supposedly descended. I say supposedly because, aside from James, I had never met another vampire who’d ever met directly with these Draculas. Still, it was probably wise not to make too many waves with regards to them.

  Why? I had seen James in action.

  I was told that as vampires aged, their powers increased as well. James was living proof of that. When he wanted to, he could move almost faster than the eye could follow. Strength-wise, I had once seen him literally tear apart a small group of gang-bangers in less time than it takes most of us to order a burrito at Taco Bell. I wasn’t too proud to admit that he scared the bejeesus out of me. All of the Draculas, though, were older than him, some supposedly quite a bit. Therefore, it stood to reason that if a run-in with James could ruin one’s day, crossing the Draculas could seriously fuck your shit up.

  All that taken into consideration, I still owed the guy. If it weren’t for him, my tenure as a vampire would have lasted all of five minutes. He was the one responsible for giving me a chance. He was also the one responsible for jumpstarting my reputation amongst my fellow vamps, which went a long way toward getting me to where I was now. Sure, he had also been the one to put the HBC vamps on my ass, but I was willing to believe that had all just been a case of bad timing. Before he could cool down any heat between our covens, he had been called away by the Draculas. They had sent him all the way to China, where I was now destined to follow for whatever reason.

  Speaking of China, there were mixed emotions there as well. The good being that seven thousand miles between myself and the disgust I felt at my inability to speak my mind with Sheila sounded pretty decent to me. I seriously doubted anything in the Gansu province of China would give me cause to dwell too much on her.

  Unfortunately, everything else fell into the bad category. The trip was a twenty-plus-hour nightmare of transfers, starting at LaGuardia (or as I like to think of it, Satan’s airport) and ending in Beijing. However, I needn’t have worried about being stuck in the middle row between two fatties or next to a screaming kid for the entire trip. No, because I was luggage.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Did I say luggage? No, luggage would be too kind. After a whirlwind packing job, including making sure my iPod was charged – no way was I flying in the cargo hold for almost an entire day without some tunes – I managed to convince Ed to give me a late night drop-off. This did not put him into a good mood. If you’ve ever driven to LaGuardia, you know what I mean. It’s like the state of New York purposely decided to make one of their major transportation hubs as big of a clusterfuck as humanly possible. It was only after lots of twists, turns, and exit-only lanes that we finally managed to crawl through traffic to our destination. Things were bad enough, and we’re talking eleven PM here. I could only imagine the insanity of doing it at rush hour.

  As per Sally’s instructions, Ed dropped me off at a small private terminal. He gave me an annoyed growl as way of saying goodbye before driving off. The windows of the building were opaque, although whether this was purposeful or just layers of grime, I couldn’t tell. The doors were also locked from the inside. I stood there looking confused for about ten minutes – getting ready to pull my cell phone out and call Sally – when finally I heard a click. The doors opened. Beyond them was a figure silhouetted by the light inside that beckoned me forward. Creepy, but then again, I was a vampire. Creepiness kind of went hand in hand with my life these days. I tried to conceal my nervousness and walked in, thoughts of all the various slasher flicks I had ever seen going through my mind.

  I needn’t have worried. Vampire society wasn’t much different than ours once you got past the “blood-sucking eternal creatures of the night” aspect of it. Sure, they liked to put forth a mysterious atmosphere, but I think that was just to impress the newbs. Once you got past all that, it was surprisingly mundane. Case in point, once I entered the building, it became obvious that this was just another private terminal – small, spartan, and efficient. Once my eyes had adjusted to the light, I saw that my mysterious beckoning figure was another vampire, a rather bored looking one at that. He was wearing business casual and holding a clipboard.