Scary Dead Things (The Tome of Bill Book 2)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “His body is. Look over in the corner.” Gan pointed into the living room and, sure enough, there was a small pile of ash lying there.

  “Yeah, but his head...”

  “Father’s assassins are well trained in this. There are times when an enemy’s fangs are simply not enough to send the correct message.”

  “Yeah, but how?” I asked. “Every vamp I’ve ever seen get dusted ... well, it was kind of a package deal.”

  “Your inexperience shows, my love,” she replied, again going back to that my love bullshit. I guess we were past the whole disrespect thing already. “They would have removed it in one quick strike with a sharpened silver blade coated in a special poison. The body immolates, but the head remains.”

  “Oh. That’s pleasant to know.”

  “That is not the worst,” she continued.

  “No? Sounds pretty much like the worst to me.”

  “Your friend was lucky. They let him die.”

  “Not really following you here, Gan.”

  “If they had placed his head immediately into blood, they could have kept it alive,” she explained. “That is a fate reserved for the worst offenders.”

  I gulped. “How long could they keep it alive?”

  “For an eternity, if so desired. Imagine an existence such as that. Unable to do anything but tolerate the whim of your captor. Unable to even die unless granted mercy.”

  Whoa. Considering that the elder vampires weren’t particularly known for their mercy, that didn’t sound like much fun.

  “Do you think your father has that in mind for any of us?” I really hoped that the answer popping into my mind wasn’t the one she was going to say.

  “If father is angry enough, then that fate would be reserved for you as the leader of your coven.”

  “I was afraid you’d say that.”

  “Yes. Thus, it is in your best interest to avoid that fate.”

  Talk about stating the obvious.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Oh crap! I had forgotten about Sally. She was supposed to drop Gan’s clothes off at the Loft. Not good. I could feel panic settling in as unwanted thoughts started filtering into my head.

  Okay, I needed to calm down. Freaking out wasn’t the most productive thing at a time like that. I pulled out my cell phone. It was at least one action I could do, rather than stand there in a state of confusion. However, it rang before I could even start to dial.

  “Hello?” I answered, half-expecting a heavily accented voice to state, “We have your whore.”

  Instead, Sally replied from the other end, “Bill? Are you all right?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. You?” Wow, two whole sentences without a barb at each other. That’s almost a record.

  “I’m not quite sure I’m what you’d call okay. Whatever you do, don’t go back to the Loft.”

  “Too late.”

  “What’s there?” she asked, although the tone of her voice suggested she already knew.

  “Dusk Reaper’s smiling face. Unfortunately, the rest of him decided to skip town.”

  “Same here. I decided to stop off at the Office first.”

  “How bad?”

  “Three severed heads and at least four other members of the coven seem to be missing.”

  Goddamn it! I had thought the Office would be safe, considering it was usually staffed pretty heavily with vamps. If these guys had just turned a good chunk of my coven into confetti, it meant they were even better than I thought.

  “Are you still there? At the Office, I mean?” I asked.

  “Are you fucking retarded?” Ah yes, we were back to normal again. “I’m standing right in the middle of the busiest street I could find.”

  “Good. Any idea how they found us?”

  “Public records ... for vampires, at least.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Boston. They have most of our addresses on file,” she said.

  “You think they’d rat us out?”

  “If one of the Draculas asked?”

  “Yeah. Sorry, stupid question. Wait, you said most.”

  “Exactly. Covens are supposed to report all of their holdings, but it’s kind of an unwritten rule to tolerate a few off-the-books safe houses.”

  “All right. Don’t say anything over the phone.”

  “This isn’t Mission Impossible,” she said with a sniff. “I’m pretty sure they aren’t tapping us.”

  “You have an office full of beheaded vampires and you’re telling me that a little paranoia isn’t warranted?”

  “Point taken,” she answered.

  “Okay, let’s meet up at that espresso shop James likes. We can talk then.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The four of us met up as planned about a half hour later. Sally was already there, and she had brought Gan’s clothes with her. Good idea. In all the chaos, I had forgotten that Gan was still dressed like something a blind man would cobble together from the Goodwill box.

  “Hey,” I said by way of greeting. Sally nodded back at me and Starlight, then gave Gan a sour glance. “So how are we looking?”

  “Not good,” she said. “Between the brawl with the HBC and tonight, we’re down to half a coven.”

  “The others?”

  “I got a few of them on the phone, told them to spread the word.”

  “So what about those places you told me about, the ones off the grid?” I asked.

  “Three come to mind. As far as I know, the warehouse where we dusted Jeff should be safe. That leaves...”

  “Um, I don’t think so,” said Starlight in a timid voice.

  Sally turned toward her. “What are you talking about?”

  “I may have mentioned it to Colin while I was up there,” she squeaked in return. Colin was normally James’s assistant in overseeing the Northeastern covens. However, since James was out of country, that left Colin in charge. Unfortunately for us, he was a little suck-up of a weasel. If he had information that any of the Draculas wanted, you can bet he handed it over to them on a silver platter.

  “What the hell were you thinking?” Sally growled.

  Starlight shrank back and immediately started rambling. “Well, you called me when I was up there. After you told me what was going on, it might have...”

  Sally leaned forward and got in her face. “Might have what?”

  “Slipped.”

  “How does the location of our secret safe house slip?” Sally hissed. I could see tinges of black starting to work their way into her eyes. She was not a happy camper.

  “It just did!” Starlight pleaded. “Colin was there when you called, and he started asking me questions...”

  “Okay, enough,” I said, getting between them. “What’s done is done, Sally. At least we know the warehouse isn’t safe. We need to get the word out to not use it.”

  “Fine,” she replied through gritted teeth, still glaring at Starlight.

  “So what else do we have?” I asked, trying to get us back on track. Normally I’m all for a good chick fight, especially when the chicks in question looked like Sally and Starlight. Throw in some tight T-shirts and a vat of Jell-O, and we’d have ourselves a party to remember. But now was probably not the time to indulge in twisted little fantasies like that. The last thing I wanted was to be distracted by some wet dream and then wake up to discover the Khan was going to be skull-fucking my dismembered head for the rest of eternity.

  “It’s not great,” replied Sally. “There’s the place where we met with the HBC.”

  “Boston doesn’t know about that?”

  “No, but the Queens vamps obviously do,” she confirmed. “If word gets out that we’re using it and they decide to fuck us over...”

  “Gotcha. What’s left?”

  “Your apartment,” she said.

  “My apartment?”

  “Yes. As far as I’m aware, only a few vamps in the coven know where you live.”

  “The Brooklyn safe house it is, then,” I said.


  “But what about...”

  “We’ll deal with the HBC if we need to, but I’m not hosting a vampire slumber party.”

  “God forbid you ever do anything to add some class to that place,” she quipped.

  “I’m serious, Sally. Get the coven into Brooklyn. Arm them with every stake you can find and then have them lay low. If need be, I’m not too far away. But there’s no way you’re all staying at my place. Not gonna happen. Besides, I only have one bathroom.”

  “Fine. I’ll send most of them there with instructions to stay put, stay vigilant, and only open the doors for someone they know.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “I couldn’t help but notice that most part again.”

  “Good to know you pay attention to something other than my chest on occasion,” she replied. “I hope you enjoyed spending quality time with Gan because she’s going back with you. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I’ll be joining her.”

  Toked-up Television

  I must be such a repressed closet homosexual that even I don’t know it, because I never thought in my life that I’d be arguing against a woman of Sally’s looks shacking up at my place for a few days. But yet, there I was. One night with Gan had been bad enough. Potentially several nights with both Gan and Sally sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. In close quarters, they’d no doubt be at each other’s throats constantly, and that didn’t even count my two human roommates and their tasty, blood-filled selves. I wasn’t sure I had enough sanity in me to referee that kind of nonstop cage match.

  Yet, Sally’s words did have some logic to them. As usual, it was just enough to make me question my course of action.

  “These guys are after Gan,” she pointed out. “Therefore, it stands to reason that Gan should be kept away from the others.”

  “And why does that mean my place?”

  “Because the assassins are after you too, stupid,” she continued. “If both of their main targets are together, that’s even better for the rest.”

  “Okay. I can see your Star Trek logic here.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Your whore is being insolent again,” Gan cut in.

  “Not now, Gan,” I said, then turned back to Sally. Oh yeah, those two in the same apartment together. Hoo-boy! “And as for you, I believe the phrase is ‘The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.’ That’s from The Wrath of Khan, just in case you were wondering.”

  “I do not believe I have ever heard my father say that.”

  “Different Khan, Gan.” I glanced over toward Sally again. “Anyway, logical or not, how do you play into this?”

  “It’s pretty simple, really,” she answered cryptically. “I’ve gone stark raving insane.”

  “I’m not doubting you, but that’s not quite the answer I was looking for.”

  “I’ve obviously gone bonkers because rather than the safety of numbers that the coven offers, I’ve decided to stick with you. Two reasons. First off, if you get ashed, I’d probably go back to being some other vampire’s chew toy. Secondly and, Lord help me for thinking this, but I actually believe in you. Yeah, I know, sounds crazy to me, too. But you somehow keep beating the odds, Bill.”

  Wow, that almost sounded like a compliment. “I may beat the odds occasionally, but...”

  “Most of the time, it’s only because I’m there with you,” she interrupted. “I know. So I can’t help but think, against all logic, that the absolute safest place for me to be is plastered next to your imbecilic side.”

  I actually smiled at that. It was kind of sweet in an insulting sort of way. I held up a fist in front of Sally. “Partners?”

  “Partners,” she confirmed with a fist-bump.

  “Do not get any ideas, whore,” Gan added. “When this is over, he is still mine.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We decided to first accompany Starlight to the safe house. From there, she could coordinate making sure the others arrived safely as well. Gan’s senses were the most acute amongst us, so we periodically had her check to see if she could sense whether the assassins were close by. She didn’t catch wind of them, which was good. A few subway stops later, and I felt better about that. As I said before, good luck with a bunch of yak herders trying to negotiate the NYC tubes successfully.

  We gave the building a once over, making sure no non-coven vamps were hiding anywhere, and then helped to secure the exits. Once we were relatively sure of the building’s security, Sally, Gan, and I grabbed a cab back to my apartment. We then wound up hoofing it the remaining mile or so after Gan insulted the driver and got us thrown out. Can’t tell you how glad I was that I got to spend some more time with the pretty little princess. Every hour with her felt like ten.

  Unfortunately, she was only part of the problem. I had a trio – or what I assumed were a trio, nobody had actually seen them and lived to give a tally yet – of assassins in the city, gunning for my ass. There had to be some way both to keep them from killing me and convince Gan to go back home with them. Unfortunately, for the life of me I had absolutely no clue as to how to do that. If I somehow, through some miracle, lived long enough to join the Draculas, I was going to institute a policy of talking through our troubles. Maybe start each of our meetings out with a group hug. Yeah, that could work ... maybe.

  Oh well, hopefully all of that could wait until the morning. Most vampires were strictly night people. For those keeping score, I was, too, but, since I had a job to do, I had trained myself to be able to function during daylight hours ... minus maybe any sunbathing. If we could make it until then, I could be relatively sure of a few hours of peace, during which the assassins would be sleeping and I could maybe think of something to do.

  Speaking of sleeping, I was also wondering what the arrangements were going to be. I had given Gan my bed the night before, and I would probably do so again, but that left Sally. I was pretty sure she wasn’t going to be all that enamored with sharing a bed with the little girl who called her a whore with every other breath. Maybe Tom would be out again, and she could take his room ... after getting extensive instructions of what not to touch. Yeah, this was going to be a disaster.

  Before stopping at my building, we did a quick circuit of the block to allow Gan to sniff out whether Nergui and his buddies were anywhere close by. After a few minutes, she stopped and wrinkled her nose.

  “They are not here ... but there is something,” she said.

  “Define ‘something’,” I replied

  “There is something ... unnatural in the air.”

  “But no vampires?” Sally asked.

  “No. There are no other vampires near. But there is...”

  “Listen, honey,” said Sally. “This is New York. Pretty much everything smells unnatural here. If there’re no vamps, I say we’re golden.”