Hoofin’ It: A Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count)

by RJ Blain

  “That guy at the range was right. You are a smug bastard, aren’t you?”

  “That’s the name of the game here, Marian. Some cops can get away with bending the rules. Me? They were looking for an excuse to get rid of me all along. I was just too stubborn to quit.”

  “So you made the most of it.”

  Making a thoughtful noise in my throat, I considered my situation. “Do we have time for a detour?”

  “A detour? What sort of detour?”

  “There’s someone I want you to meet.”

  “I’m game. I told them it might take me a while to find you. I’d like to be there by five.”

  “We’ll be done by five,” I promised. Once she figured out what I had in store for her, she’d probably kill me, but there was no better way of learning someone’s mettle and intentions than exposing them to the worst Chicago had to offer and watching the fireworks.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Most people were fooled into believing I was as good a person as my record implied, but in reality, I had a mean streak, and I had no problem dipping my toes into the cesspool of Chicago if it meant I could get the advantage. Taking Marian to a prime hunting spot for nocturnals put me firmly in the bad cop category.

  Taking her in the middle of the afternoon, when the nocturnals’ hunger peaked, went beyond bad to ruthless. My favorite parking spot, tucked between a brothel and a courthouse, would keep the FBI’s vehicle safe. I got out, sat on the hood, and waited.

  Marian stood on the sidewalk with her hands planted on her hips. “What are we doing here?”

  Instead of answering her, I smiled, watching the third-story window of the brothel. After a few minutes, the curtains shifted, and a dusky hand pressed to the glass. Without seeing the rest of the feminine arm, I couldn’t tell which succubus was in the shop, but with a single gesture, she beckoned me to pay a visit.

  I really hoped it was Amy. Amy had the best control over her powers, played a mean game of chess, and liked guns almost as much as Ed. Unlike her fellow succubi, Amy always gave me a call with where she and her partner dumped Casey, which had made my life so much simpler.

  “All right. There are a few rules for this, Marian.”

  “What?”

  “I recommend you stick close to me.”

  “Okay. I can do that.”

  I considered pushing my luck to find out how close I could get her but decided against it. She’d be getting an eyeful of one of Chicago’s greater sins as it was. “I wouldn’t stray more than a couple of feet away. That makes you fair game.”

  With narrowed eyes, Marian looked me over. “You’re taking me into a brothel, aren’t you?”

  “Was it that obvious?”

  “The sweaty hand smear on the third floor gave me a bit of a clue. How did you last as a virgin for so long if you go to brothels?”

  “Didn’t we already discuss the kneecapping thing?”

  “You seriously kneecapped a few vamps so you could stay a virgin?”

  “I like to think I have done a pretty good job of protecting myself.”

  Marian grimaced. “Then I came around.”

  While her tone and expression informed me she was being serious, I laughed. I had enough embarrassment to share, but I did my best to hide it. “I only take issue when the participants involved are unwilling. If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t need much convincing, and you might have seduced me without the help of a pair of demons. If you have no regrets, I have no regrets. Anyway, I could have found a woman if I’d really wanted one. Here, it’s all about the quick flings and moving on to new waters. Not my thing.”

  I toed the honesty line. I regretted the night had ended and that my chances of a repeat plummeted every time I opened my mouth.

  “You’re the marrying kind. I gathered that much from the interview recordings.”

  I pretended I hadn’t noticed Marian’s neutral tone. “Initially, my game plan was to get settled into my career, meet some nice cop, and marry her. I misjudged how hard of a line Chicagoans drew against lycanthropes. I figured I’d have some hiccups along the way, not that I’d be stonewalled.”

  “That Michelle woman seemed to like you.”

  I snorted, shook my head, and headed for the discreet door hidden in the alleyway, slowing to make sure Marian followed me and stayed close. “Michelle’s pissed I can shoot better than her. I also suggested she learn from someone she’s been trying to bust for years. Add in Stripes, who has enough pride, self-esteem, and phobia issues to keep the entire staff of a mental institution busy, and it wouldn’t surprise me if one or both of them danced on my grave and pissed on it.”

  “How charming.”

  “I like Michelle, but she’s almost as petty as Porter when it comes to being outclassed by someone she views as inferior. Her friendship is a bit like stepping on a horse chestnut.”

  “Hurts like hell and prone to sticking in your foot?”

  “I see you have experienced horse chestnuts.”

  “Unfortunately.” Marian sighed. “And in Chicago, lycanthropes, their kin, and those infected take what they can get, huh?”

  I shrugged. “It is what it is.”

  “This has been so educational, and I haven’t even gone into the brothel yet.”

  “Try not to make me kneecap someone while we’re in here. It’s a mess to clean up, the vamps get cranky, and then I have to ask them really nicely to drop it, which would inevitably lead to another kneecapping. I don’t like kneecapping people.”

  “You make it sound like this is a common occurrence.”

  “A kneecap a day keeps the vamps at bay,” I muttered.

  “Seriously?” she squeaked.

  I laughed. “It’s been a while since I’ve had to have a talk with any of them.”

  Marian slipped her hand into her blazer, and a quick glance revealed a holstered Ruger the match for mine. Chuckling, I pushed through the door and stepped into one of my least favorite places in Chicago. Magic kept the stench of marijuana and cigarettes inside, and when we left, the same magic would strip it off us, something I found amusing, as they made no effort to disguise the scents of sex and sweat.

  “Charming.”

  The hostess caught sight of me, shrieked, and pounced. Marian sucked in a breath and had her gun out in the time it took me to catch the girl by her waist, spin with her momentum, and set her out of harm’s way. “Don’t startle the FBI agent, Kelly. She’s a bit jumpy.”

  At first glance, Kelly looked no older than fifteen, although I knew to add a couple of zeros to the end of the number to get closer to her actual age. Over the years, the perky brunette had refused to tell me her species, but she had a fondness for physical contact, which made me think she was a young succubus who hadn’t grown into her powers yet.

  “You’ve been gone forever, Gibson.”

  I pulled out my phone and made a show of checking the date. “So this visit, forever is quantified by six months, two weeks, and three days?”

  “Why are you being mean?”

  I needed all my self-restraint to keep from smiling at her whining tone. “I’m certain it’s because I’m an insufferable busybody and an asshole, Miss Kelly. This is Marian, and she’s with me.”

  Kelly glanced in Marian’s direction. “Your broad’s pretty slick with that gun, but she’s not as good on the draw. If she wants to start kneecapping people around here, she’s going to have to do better than that.”

  “It seems there’s a theme at this establishment, and it involves crippling sentients.”

  “Oh, no. Gibby doesn’t cripple them. He just makes them wish he had. He’s a sourpuss. Hey, we’ve been taking bets. Is he as good of a lay as he looks? He won’t play with us.”

  I amended my guess about Kelly to her being a young succubus who had just grown into her powers, enabling her to catch glimpses of the love and lust of mere mortals—and somehow detect who had slept with who last. The idea Marian hadn’t been with anyone else appealed
to me.

  Marian’s eyes widened. “You’re a succubus?”

  “I haven’t gotten my wings yet, but it’ll be soon. I was hoping Gibby here would be my first, but you beat me to him. Not fair.”

  The round went to the perky little brat playing hostess, and I sighed my defeat. “I suppose it was a bit much to expect a bunch of demons to pretend my sex life was a private matter.”

  “Darling, six months ago you didn’t have a sex life. You had a dry well, an emaciated libido, a—”

  I covered Kelly’s mouth with my hand. “Thank you, Kelly. Marian didn’t need to know that.”

  “Already knew, Shane. He may not be experienced, but he’s really enthusiastic.”

  Grabbing my hand, Kelly uncovered her mouth. “Are you going to keep him? I wanted a virgin for my first time, but I might make an exception.”

  “She’s not a virgin, Marian. She’s got at least a hundred years of roleplaying a sexy schoolgirl for the brothels here. Don’t let her trick you.”

  “Shane, why are you being a spoilsport?”

  “You know full well your first time will be with an incubus, so don’t play that sad card on me, missy.”

  Kelly pouted. “Spoilsport.”

  “Thumb sucker.”

  “Old man trapped in a young body.”

  I chuckled. “I resemble that remark. Now that we’ve had our fun, I’ve got some questions for the boss, and a tip for him.”

  “Bad?”

  “Got me shot twice bad.”

  Kelly hissed, and her eyes flashed red. “Who did it?”

  “Nice fellow named Mark O’Conners with the New York City Italian mafia, probably running a sex trafficking ring taking girls off the streets.”

  “Naughty, naughty, naughty. You don’t seem undead to me, so you weren’t killed. Are you going to play nice and show me the scars, or am I going to have to strip you here in the entry?”

  Marian’s eyes widened, and she eased her finger away from the trigger guard and reengaged the safety of her Ruger. “Shane, what’s going on?”

  Since Kelly wouldn’t leave me alone until I showed her, I grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head. “Right shoulder.”

  “Damn, Miss Marian, you bite hard. What were you trying to do to the poor guy? Brand him for the next hundred years?”

  I sighed. “No one said she was the one who did it.”

  “She totally did it. She branded you like a stallion up for auction. That’s totally a brand. I’m so jealous. Why couldn’t you find your own incubus? You had to go and take mine, Marian!”

  If Marian’s eyes widened any further, I worried they’d pop out of her head. “I’m sorry, did you say incubus?”

  “Kelly,” I hissed.

  “Oh! You found out? Damn it, I was really hoping I’d nail you with that one. So not fair. Who told you? Did you find out who your incubus relative is?”

  “Relatives,” I corrected.

  “You’re part incubus?” Marian squeaked.

  “This is not how I was hoping this visit would go.”

  “He’s incubus enough I can tell.” Kelly sniffed. “Between his kneecapping the boss a few times and his off-limits attitude, we were sure he was dormant.”

  I should have known succubi could tell at a glance if someone had incubus blood. Groaning, I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Fine. I’ll tell you some details, but not only do you get me in to see the boss, Marian’s not to be touched. No tricks, no influencing her, no groping, no nothing. I expect perfect angels from the lot of you troublemakers.”

  “Now you’re just being mean, Gibby. Come on, she’s kinda cute. I wouldn’t mind a turn with her.”

  “No.”

  “Gibby!”

  “Do you want the details or not?”

  “Yes,” she whined.

  “Then you make sure everyone leaves her alone.”

  “You’re being jealous and possessive. That’s not fair.”

  “I’ll toss in a hug, but no funny business.”

  At first, I thought she’d refuse my offer, but then she wrinkled her nose and sighed. “Fine. It better be a good hug.”

  I paid up, giving her a tight squeeze, and because I did like her when she wasn’t trying to turn me into succubus bait, I kissed her forehead. “I’m sure you’ll land a good incubus for your first time. As agreed, incubus relative number one is one of my grandfathers, and incubus relative number two is one of my great-grandfathers, other side of the family.”

  “Two? Two? That’s so unfair. Not a purebred, but that’s better than most. Which one of your parents is the half?”

  “Mother.”

  “That explains so much,” Marian muttered.

  “Bummer. So she won’t be getting her wings?”

  “She’s infected with lycanthropy, Kelly. I’ve told you this before.”

  The young succubus dismissed me with a wave. “Lycanthropes are amazing lays. You should try one sometime. Right, Marian?”

  “Why are you asking me? Shane’s not a lycanthrope.”

  “His daddy is. That’s close enough. They’re supposed to be real beasts in bed, but I’m not allowes to have my rounds with them—not until I get my wings.”

  “I can verify he’s a real beast, but I’ve yet to try his performance in an actual bed.” Marian smirked.

  My face burned. “She didn’t need to know that.”

  “Did he take you in an alley against the wall? That’d be hot. That scar gives him a real bad boy appeal.”

  “No, I did no such thing. Damn it, Kelly!”

  With her smirk widening to a full grin, Marian whispered something in Kelly’s ear, which made the unfledged succubus’s mouth drop open. “Oh hot damn, do I wish I’d gotten a piece of that. No wonder you branded him. Screw branding him, I would’ve chained him up and never let him out from under me again.”

  I closed my eyes and wished I could disappear. “The boss?”

  “Hold your horses. This is serious girl business we’re attending to.”

  Expecting a succubus working a brothel to have restraint made me unreasonable, especially when gossiping about sex was involved. While I waited for her and Marian to finish their giggle-punctuated discussion, I faced the nearest wall and banged my forehead against it.

  Turning my back to the entry of a brothel ranked among the dumbest things I could have done, so when a strong tail coiled around my leg and a silk-clad pair of breasts pressed against my back, I clacked my teeth and grumbled curses. “Hello, Amy.”

  “Am I so obvious, Gibby?” the succubus purred.

  “Yes. You’re the only one of your demonic sisters to put on clothes before rubbing up against me.”

  “You brought a female into my domain.”

  “She’s off limits.”

  “I heard. I’m jealous. The boss sent me down to bring you both upstairs, and he asked me to tell you to leave the shirt off. He likes it.”

  Of course he did. Vampires enjoyed naked flesh almost as much as succubi, and Ernesto had been trying to get a sip from me for years. “All right. Get off, and at least try to keep some control over that tail.”

  “Kelly’s right. You are a spoilsport.”

  I heard the click of Marian’s little Ruger. “That one’s mine. Get your hands off.”

  “Ah, I love them when they’re so jealous. So delicious. You should take her for another ride, Gibson. She’d like it.”

  One day, maybe I’d be able to tell if the succubus was being serious.

  Chapter Twenty

  One of Chicago’s five crime lords, a vampire the CPD hunted daily, seemed like someone I’d want for an uncle if I could ignore his record and tendency to view humans as prey. As far as arch nemeses went, Ernesto Saven numbered among the better ones, tempering cunning, ruthlessness, and greed with humility enough to put humans to shame.

  Old long before Christ’s birth, Ernesto possessed a Middle Eastern flair, eyes darker than sin, and a smile promising hell to any who got in hi
s way. “Shane, dear boy, it’s been too long since you’ve paid this old soul a visit. And to bring a lady with you? There’s hope for you after all.”

  “Do I need to shoot you in the kneecap again, Ernesto?”

  “Do I get that sip I’ve long desired?”

  My next words would condemn me. Some sins were worth committing, and if making a deal with a vampire sold my soul to the devil, the cause was worth the price. “I’m open to negotiations.”

  Ernesto rose from his seat to perch on the edge of his dark desk, and a flicker of red light burned in his eyes. “You have my undivided attention. But first, your eye. That worthless bauble is buying justice for many. I’ve been watching the news. Humans.” Disgust dripped from his tone, intense enough Marian grimaced. “It is not often I find pride in having an enemy who has morals and integrity. If only they knew what they wasted.”

  “I’m confused. Are you trying to flatter me so I shoot you or don’t shoot you?”

  “It’s been so long since I’ve enjoyed evidence of your love.”

  “Oh for fuck’s sake.” I whipped out my new Ruger and shot the vampire in the knee. Unlike humans, Ernesto didn’t bleed, but I hated the crunch of dried, brittle bone in the wake of the gun’s concussive blast. Since I knew he’d beg until I shot the other one, I shifted my aim and fired again. “I swear. You meet with me only so I’ll do that to you, don’t you?”

  “You’re the only cop with the balls to actually do it.”

  “Ex-cop.”

  “Your breed never quits. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? And with a badge bunny?”

  “She’s the badge.”

  “So you’re the badge bunny, then?”

  I grunted to acknowledge the vampire’s successful baiting and wrinkled my nose.

  “Say it,” Ernesto ordered.

  One day I would learn from my mistakes. One day. “I’m the badge bunny.”

  “She’s a pretty cute badge. Is she tasty?”

  Marian pulled out her gun and blasted Ernesto in the ankle. “I’m revising my opinion of coming here, Shane. This is great. You should take me more places.”