Hoofin’ It: A Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count)

by RJ Blain

  I chuckled and waved my hand at Marian. “This is why they can’t prosecute Ernesto. Welcome to hell. It’s populated by smug vampires and their demon partners. Amy, if you want a pair of victims for later, take my parents. Maybe you can keep them out of my hair for a few hours.”

  “Hybrid-form werewolves are a delicacy, but it’s so difficult to get them to play. It’s not fair. That one’s been with his mate too long. You brought me a treat I can’t enjoy.”

  The succubus pouted, and if Dad had managed to keep his tail still, I might’ve been fooled by the nonchalant way he browsed through my refrigerator. “Your fridge is clean of illegals, pup. I even reset the meter and cleared its settings to ensure they didn’t tamper with it.”

  “Dad, stop wagging your tail. You’re not a dog.”

  “But your guest said nice things about me. It’s an expression of happiness. Allow me to express my happiness without your prude rules getting in the way.”

  Werewolves. I sighed. “Mom’s hopeless, too, Amy. Sorry. She’s been infected for too long.”

  “I noticed. That’s also unfair.”

  I turned my attention to Ernesto. “Why are you here in the middle of the day, and what possessed you to invite my parents to town?”

  “Could you ask your blushing bride to leave me with at least one leg and both arms today? It’s so difficult finding a donor this time of day, especially when I have to behave myself for the first time in my life.”

  “Hey, Dad. Remember how you were expressing curiosity about meeting a bloodsucker, and how you were bragging your virus is so robust not even an ancient vamp could knock you out for more than an hour?” The bragging had happened back home, but I rarely got to call my father out on something.

  Mom cackled. “You’re an awful child.”

  “It’s not against the law if he consents, and Amy can make sure Ernesto doesn’t hurt him.”

  “But I can’t play with him. That’s not fair,” Amy whined.

  I was going to regret the next words out of my mouth, but how often would I have a vampire indebted to me? Since I had made the offer, it was my favor, and it also served to add a few protections to my parents while they were in Chicago. “Show my parents the sights, take them down to Lower Chicago. Marian and I will slip out a little later to run some errands in my rust bucket. We’ll swing by to make sure they’re okay. Then we can talk, as I expect that’s what why you bothered to visit. And since you came here to talk in person, you probably think my phone has been tapped.”

  Ernesto faked a sniffle. “You have bred such a beautiful child.”

  Dad’s eyes widened. “You’re seriously calling me out on that old bet, Shane?”

  “Have fun, Dad. And if you ask really nicely, Ernesto can give Mom’s virus a boost while he’s at it.” I arched a brow at the vampire. “You are that good, aren’t you? It’d be a shame if I thought you were this amazing vamp for no reason.”

  “My dear boy, you flatter me.”

  “Get out of my house and take these two cops with you. Remember, Ernesto. Cops. Both of them. Visiting cops. Don’t dump them anywhere.”

  “Don’t ruin all my fun!”

  “Amy?”

  The succubus purred. “Don’t worry, Shane. I’ll make sure he behaves—mostly.”

  “No siblings this visit.”

  Her purr shifted to a pout. “Why not?”

  “Because I don’t want to wait twelve hours.”

  “And if I speed things along a bit for them?”

  “If both of my parents don’t consent, you will not help them. Understood?”

  “Not fair!”

  “Stop whining. You’re almost as bad as my father.”

  Mom turned to Dad. “This is payback for the joking we did about selling him to a sex trafficking ring. I hope you know this. This is your fault. March, dear. We will be talking about this later, Shane.”

  Surrendering with a sigh, Dad set the meter on my table, snagged Ernesto by the waist, tucked the vampire under his arm, and headed for the door. “I’ll remember this, you rotten manipulative brat.”

  “Remember the glitter. This is only the beginning, dear father. Have fun.” I waved, shooed the quartet from my apartment, and closed the door. I waited until I heard the stairwell door slam before turning to Marian. “And that is how you legally sell your parents to a vampire and a succubus for the afternoon and evening. What’s for lunch?”

  “A lot of cold Italian food, an appetizer tray, and a gift card for a sushi restaurant, which I presume is the supplier of last night’s dinner. There were written instructions with the card, which I hid in your drawer after the cops came over. I figured you wouldn’t want your sexual exploits public.”

  “What did I do to deserve you?”

  “Standing in front of a gun pointed at me was a good start.”

  “I guess that would support my case.”

  “Considering the circumstances, a man brave enough to defend someone who’d just spit on him…”

  “I thought we weren’t supposed to discuss that.”

  “I’m making an exception this once. I haven’t had a chance to properly thank you yet.”

  I dismissed the thought with a wave of my hand and poked around in my fridge in search of cold Italian food, discovering a myriad of single-serving portions taking up most of the space inside. “Spaghetti and meatballs?”

  “Sounds good.”

  I grabbed a pair of the clear-covered aluminum pans and set them on my counter. “I’m having mine cold. Want me to warm yours up?”

  “Nope. We need to eat in a hurry, then I need to properly thank you.”

  “But you already did. You just said thank you.”

  “In bed. We need to let them get a head start on us, don’t we? And since you’ll fall asleep if you don’t eat, which wouldn’t be good for either of us, lunch comes first. We’ll take the appetizer tray to the bedroom, if you don’t mind.”

  Did she really think I was going to argue with her? “Don’t mind at all, ma’am.”

  Marian smiled.

  Did I really need to retrieve my parents from Ernesto’s clutches? I was enjoying dozing in bed with Marian nestled against me enough I wouldn’t complain if I stayed there for the rest of my life. Amy could keep Mom and Dad occupied for a long time. Succubi enjoyed the sort of challenge a bonded pair of lycanthropes provided.

  “We should go rescue your parents before someone notices they’re gone.” Marian wiggled against me, and I tucked her closer, my nose buried in her hair. She smelled like my shampoo, and I indulged in several deep breaths. “Your phone keeps ringing. You should answer it.”

  “They’ll survive until tomorrow. Probably.”

  She laughed. “Let me go. I’ll fetch your eye and bring your phone in while you laze for a few more minutes.”

  Although I sighed my disappointment, I released her and stretched, wiggling my toes against the sheets. “It’s probably my parents, some pests from the CPD, the lawyer trying to bother me with updates about the trial, and probably your friends from the FBI.”

  “You’re popular.”

  “Too popular. Unfortunately, I’m not popular for positive reasons. I was serious about running away. We could.”

  Marian chuckled and sauntered out of my bedroom, returning with my cell phone, which she tossed onto the bed beside me. “I’ll take a shower while you sort that out.”

  I took a nap instead, and my phone and Marian’s laughter woke me. “Shane Gibson’s phone. Marian speaking. Oh, Larry. Sorry, he conked out, and I didn’t have the heart to wake him. He left one of his cards in your cab? Hey, since I have you on the phone anyway, we’re going to need a cab in about an hour. We need to run some errands, and I have to do a bit of shopping. You free? Great. See you then. Yes, same place.”

  A moment later, Marian poked me. “Wake up, sleepy. You can’t stay there all day. We have a date with Larry.”

  I grumbled something incoherent and groped for my pillow, whi
ch Marian stole before I could get a good hold on it. “What does everyone have against sleep?”

  “You had a five-hour nap. Up! Go take a quick shower. We have an hour.”

  “I was out for that long?”

  “You needed it. I was down for three hours. Your phone woke me up.”

  “Sorry about that.”

  “Not your fault. Now, up! Take a shower, make yourself presentable. Larry dropped a hint or two I translated to mean you should dress up.”

  “I don’t even know if my suit fits anymore.”

  “Do what you can. I’ll make sure everything’s cleaned up while you’re getting ready.” Marian shooed me out of my bedroom and into the bathroom, tapping her foot until I cooperated with her demands. “I’ll warm up a quick snack while you’re showering.”

  “What do I have to do to make sure you never leave?”

  Marian laughed. “Should you find yourself being kidnapped, as long as I’m with your kidnappers, don’t be too alarmed. You should be more worried about me deciding to take you with me. I have resources, and I’m not afraid to use them.”

  “Challenge accepted.”

  “That wasn’t a challenge, Shane.”

  “I just made it one.”

  “How is that supposed to work?”

  “Whoever performs the first successful kidnapping wins.”

  Marian giggled. “And what does the loser have to do?”

  “Whatever the winner wants?”

  “You sound so hopeful, Mr. Gibson. I’m sure I’ll think of something appropriate when I win.”

  “I already know exactly what I’m demanding when I win.” Later, I’d thank Mom for the idea. I’d even try to be a gentleman about it—mostly. “Prepare yourself, Miss Peterson.”

  “You have no hope of winning. You haven’t met my family yet.”

  “No, you have no hope of winning, and you should know this, since you have met my family.”

  Marian hesitated, then she narrowed her eyes. “Pussy cats. What sort of big bad werewolf lets his offspring shave him?”

  “You’ll find out soon enough.”

  “Keep dreaming.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  My suit still fit, barely. It took more wiggling than I liked to get into the slacks, but the shirt and jacket were still within the realm of socially acceptable. Then again, the way Marian kept looking at my ass made me think the dark material was doing something right.

  Having been guilty of sneaking peeks at women in tight jeans many times in the past, I pretended not to notice, making a point of adjusting my cufflinks, straightening my tie, and otherwise doing all the fiddly things Dad insisted were necessary to play the part of a well-dressed man. “Why am I wearing a suit again?”

  “I’m burning the rest of your clothes, and you’re wearing the suit so you don’t have to leave home naked.”

  “If you win our bet, you’re going to make me wear suits for the rest of my life, aren’t you?”

  “Yes. Or uniforms, should you return to law enforcement. Uniforms are like casual suits, so that’s okay.”

  “I’m obviously going to have to get a good job to pay for all these suits.” I held up a single finger. “This is how many of these things I own.”

  “I don’t mind providing clothing for my badge bunny.”

  With my slacks still the appropriate length, just shy of reaching the floor, I could get away with wearing my ankle holster and hiding my second Ruger in the interior pocket of my jacket. I braced my foot on my chair and made sure I could reach the gun with minimal effort. “Cute thought, badge babe, but face reality: you’re going to be saving all those pennies for a nice white dress. Then you’re going to be fitting that cute ass of yours into tight jeans.”

  “Is that so?” Marian’s brows rose.

  “I might even take pity on you and dress up, too. My mother has opinions about what a man should do with a girl who buys him a gun and gets him a permit. It’d be a pity if I didn’t look the part of a gentleman.” I grinned, settled my slacks over my Ruger, and straightened, checking my leg for evidence of the weapon. “That worked better than I thought it would.”

  “Don’t even notice it. Good. Your other one?”

  I opened my jacket and slipped the holstered Ruger into the interior pocket, but after a check, the bulge was too obvious, so I relocated it to my pants pocket instead. “I should get a shoulder holster and a good jacket.”

  “And what is your mother’s opinion about what a man should do with a girl who buys him a gun and gets him a permit?”

  “It involves the white dress you’ll be wearing upon my successful kidnapping of your person. Never underestimate a werewolf’s determination to plan a wedding, Miss Peterson. Maybe I haven’t met your family, but mine’s already here.”

  Her eyes widened. “Oh.”

  “I’m sure Ernesto wouldn’t mind helping me.”

  “You wouldn’t dare.”

  “All’s fair in love and war, badge babe. Since we’re doing this backwards, maybe you should keep some form of white dress in your carry bag, so when I kidnap you, you’ll be ready.”

  “I’m starting to think I may have miscalculated.”

  “I think it’s a fair wager. If I win, you might get what you want just because I like the way you can’t seem to remember my face is up here.” I smirked, did a final smoothing of my suit, and pocketed my wallet. I shut off my phone before slipping it inside my jacket. “One of our errands will be getting me a new phone and a new number and trashing this one. I don’t like people tapping my lines.”

  “Better take the spares you have, too.”

  “Good idea.” Armed with all three of my phones, I went to my front door and opened it to discover Michelle lifting her hand to knock. “How many cops is the captain going to send over today?” I complained.

  “As many as it takes to get your permit number out of you, apparently.” Michelle sighed. “Just tell me no so I can go back to work.”

  “Okay. No. When he presents the court-authorized warrant, he can have the permit number.”

  “You’re really going to be a pain in the ass over this, aren’t you?”

  I sighed. “Hasn’t it occurred to you if he’d just call the FBI and ask, he’d get the proof he wanted that the permit is legitimate?”

  The way Michelle blinked and gaped at me led me to believe the thought hadn’t crossed her mind.

  Marian set her hand on my lower back and peeked around me. “Is he trying to give the prosecution of the discrimination case legitimate grounds to file an addendum for harassment? If that’s his intention, could you plan your harassments for tomorrow? Our cab is going to be here soon.”

  “Where are you going?” Michelle refused to look at Marian, and the woman’s rudeness both bothered and amused me.

  “Errands.”

  “Dressed up like that? That’s odd.”

  “The loser of our bet isn’t going to like posing in white dresses all night long, either. I just thought I’d pretend to be a gentleman and wear a suit so she didn’t feel completely ridiculous while modeling a selection of white dresses for me.”

  I deserved the pinch Marian gave me, although I suspected her choice of location had something to do with the snug fit of my pants.

  “White dresses? What white dresses?”

  I allowed myself a smile. “Take a wild guess.” In a move Dad would’ve liked, I escaped my apartment, locked the door, and tucked Marian close to my side, resting my hand on her back, guiding her with a gentle push towards the stairwell. “Don’t wait up for us, Michelle.”

  Larry waited outside my building, and before Michelle could find her wits, I herded Marian into the cab and slid in after her. “I need a new phone, and Marian needs to try on a few white dresses in case someone is following us.”

  With the number of unwanted visitors to my apartment, I’d be surprised if no one checked our activities.

  “White dresses?”

  “I’m he
aring that question a lot tonight,” I muttered.

  “Apparently, if I plan a successful kidnapping of his person before he can plan a successful kidnapping of my person, he has to wear suits for me every day for the rest of his life. Should he win, which he thinks he will, he’s putting me in a wedding dress before making me wear tight jeans all the time. I suspect he’s trying to prove some point, although I’ll have to do additional investigation to learn more. Since he was rather territorial when she came calling, he dropped hints he was taking me dress shopping.”

  “You do look sharp in a suit, Gibby. You should just give the woman what she wants. You’ll be rolling with ladies if you dress like that all the time.”

  “I don’t want to roll with all the ladies. I want to roll with a single lady, and for some reason I can’t fathom, the one I like seems willing to put up with me. I might humor her on the suits, though—or a uniform if I can convince some law enforcement agency I’m worth hiring.”

  Larry chuckled. “Papa is going to be so happy. I’m sure he would be delighted to assist you with your endeavor.”

  Marian nudged me in the ribs. “That Michelle woman looked like you’d punched her in the gut, Shane. How long has she liked you?”

  “She doesn’t. Part of the whole lycanthrope in Chicago issue. I think she tolerates me because I didn’t give her extra work.”

  “That was not the expression of a woman who tolerates you. That was the expression of a woman who just had her territory violated and is pissed off about it. She was too stupid to bite you first, so she’s just going to have to live with it.”

  “Don’t I get a say in this?”

  Marian glared at me. “You already did your talking with your teeth.”

  I really wished I remembered that. I also wished I knew how badly I’d bitten her, what her general opinion of my biting her was, and if she’d let me do a very thorough examination of her person to investigate any bites I may or may not have inflicted. While I’d already been given a very good opportunity to investigate potential bite sites, she’d distracted me from the thought of checking for teeth marks on her tanned skin. Until she offered me a better selection of clues, I’d assume I’d bitten her and she liked it. “She can’t shoot worth a shit, Marian. That’s a deal breaker. And she didn’t give me a pair of guns and a really nice concealed carry permit. I’ve been informed that the appropriate response to that sort of gift is marriage.”