Hoofin’ It: A Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count)

by RJ Blain

  “That is our current theory.”

  Quinton hissed, glaring at the digital board, his eyes glowing a brilliant red. “It fits. We’re very careful with our incubi and our donors for this reason. We prevent unwanted children, but Papa insists on being close at hand for any wanted ones. We have incubi wanting to join our brood because they want a bond—or a child. It’s their nature to desire the creation of life. We try to make the arrangements in a way satisfying to everyone.” The vampire relaxed and smiled. “Your neighbors are a good example. The parents of those triplets will find themselves with a mysterious donor of toys and everything they need to give their children happiness. That’s a succubus’s nature. Papa enjoys it, too. The important thing to understand is that in a healthy relationship, the incubus’s bond fades when their child is self-sufficient or the mother is ready for another child, whichever comes first.”

  “And to think most people view demons as evil,” I muttered, shaking my head.

  “Good and evil are as much of a choice as they are nature,” Abil Ili murmured, swiping a claw against the screen to return to the main map of the United States. He zoomed in on Chicago. “Chicago has two markets, one of each type. We have confirmed Ricci’s involvement with them. We have also confirmed connections with members of the CPD. Some members of the CPD are covering these operations with the goal of keeping the Saven brood unaware of their presence. There are no demons involved with Ricci’s operations.”

  I leaned back in my seat and struggled to take slow, even breaths. “How important is Chicago to their operations?”

  “We do not know. Given time, we could find out.” The Babylonian shrugged. “Luring Ricci here was not hard. We will eliminate Ricci’s operatives and the corrupt police, and we will cleanse Chicago. It will not stop the trafficking, but for a time, it may protect the innocent. If we kill Ricci, another vampire will take his place, but he might be a younger, inexperienced vampire—one easier for mortals to hunt. Such a result would even the playing field and bring balance. This would repay our obligations to you and yours.”

  I shook my head. “You owe me nothing.”

  On a Babylonian, a smile resembled a declaration of hunger, one involving a display of sharp, flesh-rending teeth. “That is not for you to decide. This is our territory, and we have allowed it to become unbalanced. We owe you much for bringing the problem to our attention. We merely even the scales so humans might be able to wage war on a level battlefield, rather than serve as the helpless cattle of traditional vampires.” Abil Ili’s smile widened to a gaping grin. “We are no angels, either. This is a hunt we will enjoy. Please allow me to introduce to you our prey, so you know them for what they are.”

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Abil Ili went through the list name by name, and one shocked me so much I had to sit before my legs gave out beneath me. How could cowardly Stripes number among them—or be so predominant a figure in the operation to enslave women and turn them into fodder for vampires? Although Michelle hadn’t played an active part, I could read between the lines.

  Turning a blind eye to Stripes’s made her an accessory, and she’d watched me with the others. All the officers who’d come to my apartment were involved in one way or another. I found little comfort in the knowledge Captain Martins wasn’t on the list.

  Lions lived to protect, and lionesses were the jewels of a lion’s pride. All females stirred a lion’s protective instincts. I couldn’t see a lion selling any female. Buying, claiming them as his own, and controlling them I could readily believe, but Martins had never seemed the type to sow terror.

  I wondered if he even knew the officers had attempted to acquire my permit number—if he’d even known of their activities. I pulled out my phone and stared at the screen for a long time in sullen silence.

  “I’m sorry,” Marian whispered.

  I shook my head. “It’s not your fault.”

  “Still. You worked with a lot of these people. How do you think Ricci and his crime network got to so many of them?”

  Quinton made a thoughtful sound in this throat. “Likely blackmail. Our bite can’t control people—not like that. The officers acted of their own free will.”

  “They won’t understand until they experience a traditional bite, although Shane has seen a little of your powers, for all you were gentle with him.” Abil Ili clicked his talons together. “It is necessary.”

  “Take your shirt and jacket off, Gibby,” the vampire ordered. “I’m only going to take a sip, but it’ll still get messy. Marian, don’t be alarmed. It’s going to look a lot worse than it is. Abil Ili will stop you from interfering if he must.”

  Marian crossed her arms over her chest. “You better not hurt him.”

  “I’ll be hurting him, he just won’t come to any lasting harm, and should one of Ricci’s vampires get a hold of him, he’ll be safe from their bite—or at least capable of fighting them off. Unless you want him easy prey?”

  “Fine,” she snapped.

  Standing, I slid out of my jacket and tossed it onto my seat, my shirt following it shortly after. I glared at Quinton. “I don’t like this.”

  The vampire showed me his teeth, and for the first time since meeting him, I recognized his intent to bite me. I tensed, my breath catching in my throat.

  Strong arms circled me from behind, pinning my arms to my sides. Fangs tore into my shoulder, but they weren’t Quinton’s; Ernesto’s son watched, his smile vanishing behind a visage so neutral it frightened me almost as much as the stabbing, throbbing pain ripping through my shoulder, down my spine, and into my head. Unable to scream, I choked out a faint, weak cry.

  Marian jumped to her feet, took one step towards me, and Quinton grabbed her, shoving her down, catching her wrists in his hands and forcing them to her sides, his legs caging hers and pushing her knees together.

  I didn’t see him bite; bright lights flared in my vision, and I shuddered.

  Then, as quickly as it began, the stunning agony was gone, and I hung limply in a pair of iron-hard arms, which kept me from toppling to the floor.

  “And that is what makes a vampire so dangerous. One minute, you are alone. Safe. Fine,” Abil Ili turned to face me, clasping his taloned tentacles behind his back. “The next, you are held in strong arms, too strong for a human to scape. The pain takes you, stuns you, makes you easy prey for him. With the first sip, you are his. Had he continued to drink, the second and third, you would feel your pulse weaken as he drained the life from you, your heart struggling to adapt, fighting to keep you alive. If he meant to drain you dry, he would drink for ten minutes, one hungry swallow at a time.”

  Quinton straightened, although he braced his hand on Marian’s throat. A few drops of blood stained his mouth and splattered his chin. “Next time, the pain’ll waken your prey instinct, and you’ll fight, understanding death comes for you. It won’t be so easy, then.”

  “Indeed,” Ernesto agreed, his voice a purr in my ear. “Take your time and find your feet, dear boy. I’ve not hurt you much—hardly more than a scratch, but it didn’t feel like a scratch, did it?”

  Relief and fury waged a bitter war, but relief won. “I’ll kneecap you a hundred times for this, Ernesto.”

  The ancient vampire laughed, adjusted his hold on me, and gave my chest a solid thump. “You had no idea I was behind you.”

  “I didn’t. If your goal was to scare me, you get full points. You okay, Marian?”

  Marian shook her head, slapped away Quinton’s hand, and touched her neck. “I think I’m fine.” She checked her palm. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a scratch. That didn’t feel like a scratch. I thought you’d ripped my throat out.”

  Ernesto sighed, hooked my chair with his foot, and dragged it closer. Freeing an arm, he set my clothes on the table and shoved me down onto the chair. “That’s how traditional vampires feed. Pain is a good way to stun prey. With practice, a vampire can activate the nerves near the bite mark, all at the same time. The older the vampire, the e
asier it is. I could’ve knocked you out with the most intense pain you’d ever felt in your life. For the next three days, if another vampire tries to take a bite out of you, he’ll have to go through me first—and he won’t succeed. Don’t bother with kneecapping when you fight them, dear boy. Go straight for the head, and make sure you sever the spine before you’re finished.”

  I had to take more than a few deep breaths to gather my wits enough to sit up and rub my shoulder where I’d been bitten. For the amount of pain, the damage and bloodshed was minimal. “Sever the spine. Right. With what, exactly?”

  Ernesto smiled, and the viciousness of his expression repulsed me. Slipping his hand into his jacket, he pulled out a pair of bone-gripped daggers in black and gold sheaths. “These, one for both of you. Consider them an early wedding gift. They’re carved with a very special bone—the same bone for both.” Setting the first blade on the table beside me, the vampire circled my chair, leaned over Marian, and kissed her cheek. “My apologies, my dear. Please accept this token of my regret for frightening you.” He slipped the dagger’s hilt into her braced hand, gently closing her fingers over the bone so she wouldn’t drop it.

  With wide eyes, Marian jerked her head in a nod.

  Turning to Quinton, Ernesto canted his head to the side and crossed his arms over his chest. “Explain yourself this instant, son. I felt your bite on him.”

  Ernesto’s son grimaced.

  “Ernesto,” I called, scooting the chair a few inches forward so I could retrieve the dagger and examine the black and gold sheath, fashioned in the likeness of a phoenix rising in billowing flames. “I consented.” Aware of the odd way the Babylonian spoke, I did my best to mimic him. “Abil Ili honored me with his help, but to do so, he needed Quinton’s aid. He bit my wrist so I would not thrash while Abil Ili showed his expertise.”

  The Babylonian chimed his laughter. “Such a clever little human.”

  “Shane,” the ancient vampire complained. “What have you done to yourself now?”

  “The injuries from his fall were fatal. It was just as bad as we were warned—perhaps worse. Abil Ili and his soothers gave him care humans couldn’t have provided. It was bad.” Quinton shot an apologetic look Marian’s way. “Worse than I anticipated when I asked to enthrall him to smooth the way for Abil Ili’s work.”

  “I promised to kneecap him over it later.”

  “Boys,” Ernesto spat, shaking his head. “Let this be a lesson to you, Marian. Don’t have sons. Daughters grow up to become beautiful women worthy of protection. The sons? Sons grow up to be men determined to give their old men heart attacks.”

  “That would necessitate you having a functional heart,” I shot back.

  With a long-suffering sigh, Ernesto bowed his head.

  “Be nice, Shane.”

  “He bit me. I don’t need to be nice.”

  She laughed and smiled at me. “You’re grumpy. Put your clothes back on. He’s bribing us with weapons, so forgive him—for now. We can kneecap them both later. It’ll be a date.”

  If I counted the ways I loved Marian, I would begin with her adaptability. Her smile and laughter were close to the top of the list. Add in her protectiveness, something I hadn’t known I’d wanted, and I was lost and gratefully so. “All right.”

  “I’d have come sooner, but I had preparations of my own to make. Abil Ili, it has been too long, old friend. Where do we stand?”

  “We have gone over our target list, although I fear I may have dealt a wound even I cannot heal.” The Babylonian bowed to me. “For that, my apologies. It is a deep pain, knowing friends have turned to foes.”

  Ernesto sighed. “How bad?”

  “It’s bad,” Marian answered. “At least a quarter of the officers Shane worked with are involved. His former captain appears to be innocent. And it gets worse; another quarter aren’t actively participating, but they’re aware of what’s going on and have done nothing to stop it. Disgusting.”

  “And when it comes to something like this, being aware it’s happening is no different from participating.” Ernesto slammed his fist into the table, startling me so much I jumped in my seat. “They willfully ignored the slavery of others.”

  “Yes,” Abil Ili confirmed. “The visiting hives are getting into position now. We have confirmation Ricci has arrived, and he has brought Mark O’Conners. They are yours, should you want them.”

  Ernesto hissed. “I’ll take O’Conners. That grudge is personal, and I’ll stain my hands by showing him what a truly ancient vampire can do. He’ll experience the worst pain in this world before I weaken him and leave him for the wolves to rip apart.”

  I had no doubt he meant my parents, who would do just that; pieces of O’Conners would be scattered over several city blocks by the time the pair of lycanthropes finished with the hitman. “Wear a poncho.”

  “A decent human being would be concerned for the victim.”

  I looked around the room. “Decent human being? Where?”

  Marian scooted her chair closer and kicked me in the ankle. “Shane!”

  “You’re an exceptionally sexy human being, so my point stands.”

  I liked when Marian blushed, and I smiled at having gotten a reaction out of her.

  “And that’s the smug expression of a man who knows he won that round.” Ernesto sat on the table and swung his legs as though he were a younger man. “If you need me for Ricci, I’ll come, but I’ll take out O’Conners first. He doesn’t leave Chicago alive—or in pieces big enough to bother with a bodybag. I’ll take the children with me while you and yours begin the purge. Once we’ve taken care of O’Conners, we’ll rendezvous with you. Text me the location when you have him cornered. Do be careful, Abil Ili. He may be younger than me, but he’s still dangerous.”

  “Not dangerous enough,” the Babylonian replied.

  I believed him.

  While the Chicago Babylonians had mounts, they were not shedu. Instead, we got scaled demented deer with a giant curved bone horn jutting out from under their equine chins. The one nearest to us had a long, pale beard falling down to its broad chest, braided and decorated with sapphire and ruby crystals. A pair of antlers rose from its brow, each prong sharpened to a lethal point. Green, brown, and golden tufts of fur stuck up through the gaps between its scales, and it wore a bejeweled saddle but no bridle. The saddle lacked stirrups, and I could guess at why.

  The Babylonians rode into battle with their talons sheathed in steel blades.

  “Ernesto?” I swallowed to ease the dryness in my throat.

  “What is it, dear boy?”

  “What have we done?”

  “Nothing yet. And anyway, they started it. We’re just finishing it.”

  The demented deer turned its head towards me, opened its mouth, and showed off its curved teeth. Its long, tufted ears twisted back, and the fires of hell burned in its black and red eyes.

  “We’re really riding these?”

  “These are the kirin. Yes, we are.”

  “Kirin?” I’d heard the name before, but it took me a minute to remember why. “Chinese unicorns?”

  “No, those are qilin. Qilin are nice Chinese unicorns, guardian spirits. Qilin don’t have much use for vampires. Consider the kirin a rather distant cousin of the qilin. They enjoy getting their hooves dirty for a good cause. They’re tricorns, if you want to get technical about it. The lower horn is for gathering blood and cutting open prey for easier eating. This habit is the source of enmity between the qilin and the kirin; the qilin don’t approve of the consumption of meat.”

  “They think it’s blasphemy,” the kirin said, a female judging from the sweetness of her voice. She laughed merrily, tossing her head, turning a bright eye to me. “I haven’t gotten to eat a human in centuries. This will be delightful. I am Bai Bao Chen, for I am a jewel of the morning sea. You bring change and chaos where you go, so I look forward to carrying you into battle. Prove yourself interesting, and I may grace you with my presence longer
.”

  I really needed to stop hanging out with beings who thought of me as food. I only knew two things about the Chinese, which were to bow when being polite and that I really liked their food, even the fake stuff made in America no one else could tolerate. I dipped in a bow, my hands clasped in front of me, careful to lower my head enough to be respectful. “I’m honored, Bai Bao Chen.”

  “A quick study, this child of yours,” the kirin murmured, and I thought she sounded pleased. “Introduce him, Ernesto, as is your place.”

  “He is Shane. The lady is his mate and future bride, Marian. You honor us, Bai Bao Chen. Who would you recommend ride with us into battle?”

  I raised my head, and the kirin lifted hers high, her fiery eyes scanning the herd. “Fen Guanyu Shi, for she remembers the old forests and their beauty well and honors their memory.”

  A deep green kirin stepped forward, and golden crystals chimed from her beard. She lowered her head, approached Ernesto, and blew her breath in his face. “You still stink, ancient one.”

  Ernesto’s laughter rang out. “And you’re as irreverent as you are beautiful, as always. I would be honored to share the hunt with you.”

  “Quinton, as my loathing for you will never die, I shall send Tai Wu Xiang with you, in the unlikely chance he might rid the Earth of you once and for all.”

  A jet black kirin separated from the herd, head held high. “Rude, Bai Bao Chen. I would not rid the Earth of such entertainment.”

  “Can I not dream?”

  “Do not listen to her, friend Quinton. She sends me with you for I am the best equipped to protect you, for I bring good fortune in the heart of battle. Blood will flow, but it will not be ours, not this day.”

  Quinton smiled. “It’s good to see you again, Xiang.”

  “And it’s good to ride into battle once more. My herd sister is right. It has been too long since we have walked the Earth, far too long since we have been instruments of balance, even for a small matter such as this.”