Sawyer Says

by Carey Heywood

  Kristy wasn’t bad or anything. She just wasn’t good enough for Jared. As much as I had my suspicions on how accidental her pregnancy was, I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on anyone. Jared was a wreck after it happened. The only silver lining in everything that happened was being able to offer him Sarah’s old room.

  The few times we’ve gone out since he moved in, he rebuffed any girl who hit on him. I’ve gotten in the habit of acting like we’re together when we’re out. That has to be what’s causing all my problems right now. Of course, I’m not meeting anyone if I look like I’m already taken. Maybe if I was getting some, I could stop eye-fucking him.

  I need to get laid. I’m so going out tonight. It’s been a while since I bought anything cute. I shower quickly with visions of the mall dancing in my head. I hurry to get ready.

  “Where’re you heading?”

  I gulp and glance back at him. He’s stretched out across the couch, thankfully, now fully dressed.

  “I’m running to the mall.”

  He sits up. “Can I come with? I need a shirt for the rehearsal dinner.”

  My shoulders sag. There goes getting away from him. “Hurry up, sweet cheeks.”

  I wait while he pulls on shoes and his coat.

  “Want me to drive?” he offers nonchalantly.

  I smirk and shake my head. I have no idea why everyone thinks I’m such a bad driver. It’s been forever since my last accident and almost a year since my last speeding ticket. Patience has never been something I had an overabundance of. If I were going somewhere, I’d rather get there sooner than later. Besides, a yellow Hummer on anyone’s bumper is just incentive to get out of my way.

  We knock out finding a shirt for Jared first. I make him buy the first one that looks relatively okay so I won’t have to stare at how each one hugs his broad shoulders. He follows me into a trendy little shop I like. Those clothes are fun and not expensive. Part of the reason my cash has stretched as far as it has is I don’t splurge that often.

  Wandering around the store, I grab a few dresses to try on while Jared snags a chair just outside the dressing room.

  “Are you going to model them?” he jokes, once I’m heading in.

  “You want to see them?” I ask surprised.

  He nods, leaning back further into his chair, getting comfortable. “You should catwalk.”

  I roll my eyes and shake my head as I close the dressing room door. I try on the first dress. Turns out “dress” is an over exaggeration. I’m short and this barely covers my ass. I walk out to show Jared more as joke since I can’t see myself buying it. He’s goofing off on his phone so I clear my throat to get his attention. I shiver, and I tell myself it’s the chill from the store’s AC, not the way Jared moves his eyes up my body.

  When his gaze finally reaches my face, I take in his wide eyes and open mouth. Is that in reaction to me? I start to turn.

  “That one.” I look back at him. “Get that one,” he affirms.

  Seems like Jared likes what he sees. I might be seeing things, but I swear I catch him adjusting himself.

  I change back into my clothes and grab the dress Jared likes and another one. I can’t handle a repeat of the way he looks at me so I pray to the shopping gods that this other one fits.

  He follows me to the register, standing closer than normal. The sales person snaps me out of my Jared-induced haze when she asks for my card a second time. While she rings me up, I catch her checking Jared out. I take a step back to close the distance between us. I’m being stupidly possessive of one of my best friends.

  Without missing a beat, he rests his chin on the top of my head as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. That’s clearly all this is, a natural comfort level we have developed over years of being friends. Any desire toward him I might have felt before could potentially ruin that.

  Going out tonight and picking up a honey for the evening, is just me being a good friend. Once we’re back at the condo, any hopes I have for ditching him crash and burn when he invites himself out with me. Saying no to Jared has always been nearly impossible. My whole objective for going out tonight was to get laid.

  Instead, here I am ordering another shot so I hope I won’t remember what a failure tonight is turning out to be. Based on Jared’s reaction to the dress in the store, I assumed it would be foolproof in attracting company for the evening. I’m not expecting Jared to glare at every man who looks at me. He’s easily the biggest guy in the place. So far, no one’s been brave enough to approach me.

  “Why are you being such a cock blocker?” I groan.

  He tries to look innocent before shrugging. “These dudes are all losers. You should be thanking me.”

  A song I like coming on is the only thing that stops me from arguing with him. I head toward the dance floor instead, surprised when he follows me. This has to be some new level of torture. I try to imagine anyone else behind me and just lose myself in the music.

  When his fingers grip my hips, I start to melt into him before remembering this is Jared. With a jolt, I step away from him. Appreciation mode only. Safer for all involved to not mount my roommate.

  My goal for the night suddenly shifts from getting laid to not throwing myself at Jared Keller.

  I am being the biggest cock blocker on the planet right now. There is no way I can handle Sawyer bringing some random dude home. She might be pissed at me, but she deserves so much more than that. If there is one thing that can come from us now being roommates, it’s that I can finally get her to understand how amazing she is.

  The past year has given me a perspective I have not had before. I know now more than ever how my actions can have potentially life-long consequences. I went from being irresponsible with a girl I didn’t love to married and expecting a baby in the blink of an eye.

  Now I’m divorced and seeing the world in a completely new way. Kristy’s a nice girl; and who knows, maybe if she hadn’t gotten pregnant I could have grown to love her. Instead, I married her out of obligation. As scary as fatherhood seemed, I was all in, one hundred percent.

  I know what it’s like to grow up with separated parents. I didn’t want that for my son or daughter. I was ready to be whatever Kristy needed to make sure that didn’t happen to my kid. When she lost the baby, we both realized we had rushed into a marriage neither of us was ready for.

  As much as I mourn the loss of the baby we will never meet, I feel shame because of the relief I felt when I knew I wasn’t going to be the father to a baby whose mother I didn’t love. Casual sex becomes anything but, when you accidentally knock someone up. It might annoy Sawyer, but I won’t let her make the same mistakes I did.

  “You snore.”

  Well that’s a fine way to wake up. I squint across our room at Jared. He’s in his bed, his head resting on his hand. Our room has two doubles. The bed and breakfast, where yesterday my best friend Sarah married Will, is on the small side. Jared and I decided to double up and share a room so there would be an extra room available for someone else.

  “I do not snore.” At his raised brow, I add, “I breathe loudly.”

  I reach over, grab my phone off the nightstand between our beds, and groan when I realize how early it is.

  Jared chuckles after I cover my face with a pillow. I can hear him getting up and dressing, so I leave the pillow across my face to give him some semblance of privacy in our shared room. I hear him inhale.

  “Dude, I smell bacon. Come on. Let’s go get some before it’s all gone.”

  I shift the pillow back behind my head, giving him an exaggerated pout. “I don’t want to get up. Why don’t you go and bring us both up a plate?”

  One side of his mouth pulls up. “Not happening. Now get your lazy ass out of bed.”

  I’ve known Jared forever. After my parents died and my grandmother was saddled with me, I somehow ended up on a boat with a bunch of strangers protesting whaling. Jared’s mom was both marine biologist and protestor, and brought him along for the ride.<
br />
  There is nothing like pissing off the Japanese government to add some flash to a ‘what I did over my summer vacation’ essay. I smile to myself remembering how we drove the crew crazy that summer.

  “Earth to Sawyer, bacon waits for no one,” he jokes, snapping me out of my daydream.

  I had slept in flannel super hero PJs. I learned the hard way a long time ago, that just because Atlanta was considered the South didn’t mean it couldn’t get cold as shit in the wintertime. Bummer is that it’s supposed to warm up next week when we’ll be back in Colorado. Jared quickly turns around when I start changing. I don’t know why this bugs me. It’s not as if he hasn’t seen boobs before. I glance down at my chest. Sure, I’ll never be called busty, but I’d gotten over that a long time ago.

  I pull on some jeans that are one squat away from splitting at the knees and a fuzzy black sweater. I pop into the bathroom to make sure my hair isn’t acting all crazy and brush my teeth. Jared follows me, deciding to brush his teeth as well. I hesitate before spitting paste into the sink. I feel weird spitting in front of him. I’ve never felt like that. As long as I’ve known him, I’ve brushed my teeth with him a million times.

  I pretend as if he isn’t there, which isn’t easy considering how he dwarfs the small bathroom. A good foot taller than me at 6’4”, Jared has always had a way of filling whatever space he occupies. He’s lean though, all that snowboarding has left little room for fat on his chiseled frame.

  I dated a boarder once, one of his friends, Caleb. He was shorter than Jared but all muscle. I glance at Jared again, thinking back to the last time I saw him without his shirt on.

  Once we make it downstairs, I’m surprised to see how packed the dining room is considering what time the reception ended last night. Brian, Sarah’s big brother, waves us over to where he and his wife, Christine, are sitting. I don’t have any siblings. Brian’s the type of brother that makes me wish I had one.

  My stomach grumbles at his full plate. The food is set up buffet style so we go load up. I bite back a laugh at Jared’s ample serving of bacon.

  “So, do you think we’ll see the newlyweds?” Christine asks as we sit back down.

  I shake my head. “Doubtful.”

  Because Will is a teacher, they aren’t going on their actual honeymoon until spring break. Therefore, I’m pretty sure they’re going to make the most of the cabin today and tomorrow.

  “You don’t think they’ll pop in to say goodbye to everyone?” She seems shocked.

  I shrug. “I wouldn’t; but when you put it that way, maybe they will.”

  Jared looks over at me. “You wouldn’t?”

  I drop my fork and shift in my chair to face him. “Hypothetically speaking, since I have zero intention of ever getting married, if it was the day after my wedding, saying goodbye to people would be the last thing on my mind.”

  The second after I say it, I cringe. I have filter issues sometimes, and considering Jared just got divorced, I feel like I have a mouthful of foot. If he noticed, it doesn’t show. He just refocuses his attention back to his bacon.

  “What time are you kids heading out?” Sarah’s Uncle Chip asks, sitting down across from us.

  “Our flight is at five.” I tilt my head toward Brian. “Don’t forget you’re our ride to the airport.”

  The bride and groom walk in an hour later while we’re lingering over coffee. They make their rounds, stopping by each table to say hello until they reach ours. I have to smile when Will pulls out her chair. They’re good together. I’m happy for Sarah even though part of me is mourning her loss. I’ve been replaced. I’m still getting used to having Jared as a roommate. He took over her half of the condo after she decided to move to Atlanta to be with Will.

  I’m hoping now that the wedding is over and once I’m back in Denver, I can get rid of the unsettled feeling that’s been gnawing at me. I’ve never been one for routine, but I’m suddenly craving it. Jared relinquishes his seat to Sarah so she can sit next to me. Whereas Jared might be my oldest friend, Sarah is my best. I’ll never forget meeting her on that train to Jersey. We’ve been somewhat inseparable ever since.

  In an effort to be stealthy, she leans over and whispers in my ear, “What’s going on with you and Jared?”

  Huh? “Um, nothing.”

  She smirks. “I call bullshit on that. You guys seem different.”

  I have to pause to consider what she just said. Have I been acting differently? I’m excited we’re living together. I feel bad that his marriage ended, but his ex wasn’t my favorite person, so I’m not sad to see her out of his life. Maybe I have been consciously trying to look nice around him. I haven’t bummed around the condo rocking a mud mask since he moved in. I’m not really sure why. Nothing would have stopped me from doing it before.

  I look back at her. “You don’t think I have a thing for him, do you?”

  I follow her eyes as they find him, across the room, probably getting another serving of bacon. It’s Jared. He’s a great guy. I’ve known him forever. Sure, he’s hot, like panty dropping hot, but there has to be a reason nothing ever happened between us. I’m an old pro at the whole friends with benefits concept, and I never got that vibe from him. Maybe Sarah’s just in an oversexed-induced haze and she is seeing things that aren’t there. I wish I were in an oversexed situation. I’m currently in a record-breaking dry spell.

  “For someone so observant, you are fucking blind,” she murmurs before swiping a mini muffin off my plate.

  “I was going to eat that,” I grumble, outwardly ignoring her comment.

  My eyes are drawn to Jared as he makes his way back to our table. Sarah kisses my cheek and gets up so he can have his chair back while she goes and gets a plate of her own. I’ve never been one to think too much before I leap, and I don’t like the way her comments are making me feel.

  Throwing caution to the wind, I lean over and rest my hands on his shoulder to pull him down closer to me. My lips are a breath away from his earlobe. “I think we should fuck.”

  With a loud gulp, he swallows whatever he had been chewing and looks at me. I haven’t moved. My hands are still on his shoulder, so we’re almost nose-to-nose.

  “You’ve said some crazy shit over the years, but that’s gotta be my favorite.” He flashes me a crooked grin.

  “I’m being serious.” I’m offended. Usually, when I come on to a guy, it’s better received.

  He just shakes his head, turning it back to his plate. I drop my hands from his shoulder and have to accept the fact that maybe he isn’t interested in me that way. I now blame Sarah for even putting the idea in my head. I’m contemplating my revenge when Jared bumps my shoulder with his and asks me if I’m done eating. I nod and follow him back up to our room. I’ve wrapped our awkward silence around myself like a blanket, wishing for once in my life I had kept my mouth shut.

  I’m barely in the door when he’s on me. The flipped switch is such a shock to my system that I push him away to ask him what the hell he’s doing.

  My back is to the door. He has a hand resting on either side of my face. I’m trying to catch my breath as I look up into wild hazel eyes.

  He drops one hand, sliding it down my arm until my hand is in his and pulls it to the front of his jeans. “I have been rock fucking hard since you said what you said. Please let me know if you were just fucking around.”

  “I wasn’t fucking around,” I whisper as I press my hand further against his impressive bulge.

  His lips find mine, and I grin against them. I’m so getting laid. I fumble with his belt and push his jeans down. When I realize he isn’t wearing boxers, I get even more turned on just thinking about him going commando. I stroke him, loving the way his hips jerk when I tighten my grasp around him or rub my thumb across its head. He steps out of his socks, shoes, and jeans, now naked from the waist down. He picks me up, walks me over to his bed, and drops me on it. I look up at him as he slips off my ankle boots and socks before unfastening and easi
ng my jeans down my legs.

  Scrambling to my knees, I pull off my sweater and crawl over to help him take off his shirt. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen him without a shirt, it’s just the first time I’ve gotten to touch his bare skin. I’ve always loved his chest piece. Shoulder to shoulder, his first love, the Rockies. He returns the favor and cups my breasts in his hands, rolling his thumbs over my nipples. I’m not top heavy and don’t always wear a bra. As good as all of this feels, I’m ready for the main act.

  I reach down with both hands and pull him cock first onto the bed with me.

  “Let me grab a condom,” he groans.

  “I’m clean, and I have a birth control thinger in my arm,” I pant, not letting him go.

  A mixture of emotions crosses his face before he rubs his hands over it. “I trust you, I do. I just have to wear one.”

  I feel like an asshole. His ex, the miscarriage. Of course, he’d want to be extra safe. For a beat, I’m nervous I’ve ruined the mood. My hands drop, and I watch him go over to the door to fish his wallet out from his jeans. He pulls a condom from it, and has it open and on, before he’s back to me, covering me.

  He hesitates, and I ask, “What are you waiting for?”

  “You’re so small. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  I grab his face so I can look him in the eye. “I’m not gonna break and I kinda like it rough, so how about you go ahead and pound the shit out of me?”

  Turns out Jared can follow directions nicely. He lets out a guttural groan as he impales me. Being flexible turns out to be helpful as that boy thoroughly fucks me. What’s so freeing is how much trust I have in him. When he lifts me, turns me, or positions me, I can just relax and go with it. I can only hope the wedding guests in the rooms around us are still downstairs eating. I’ve never been quiet, but holy shit, Jared has me speaking different languages.