Sawyer Says

by Carey Heywood

  Her look told me to be patient. “I’m your godmother, darling. Your mom and I never lost touch, and after she died, I contacted your grandmother. Agnes was not my biggest fan but was so overwhelmed with grief, I suggested spending the summer with Jared and me would be good for you.”

  “Overwhelmed with grief?” Disbelief dripped from my tone.

  “Of course she was. She had just lost her only son. I don’t know what changed over that summer, but her original intention was for you to live with her.”

  “I don’t believe that.”

  “Believe what you want. It’s the truth, though. I’m pretty sure she had even enrolled you in school, too. She asked my advice about back to school shopping.”

  “Well, clearly something happened because I went straight from being with you to a boarding school in Canada.” My tone is harsh.

  “Sweetie, I don’t know what changed. I only know what was originally discussed. I need you to know that summer with you and Jared was one of my most favorite moments of all time. If I wasn’t such a flake, I would have kept you with me all the time, but you were probably better off in Canada, and Jared absolutely was better off here with his dad.”

  I nod, more confused than ever. If my grandmother had actually wanted me in the beginning, what changed? This conversation leaves me with more questions than I had started with. Wendy pulls up to the curb.

  Wendy leans toward me and cups my cheek in her hand. She turns my face to look at her. “Are you okay? Do you want to park? I can call Jared to come pick you up.”

  I rest my head against her hand for a beat before lifting it. “I’m okay. Just confused and...” I pause. “Confused is the best I got for how I feel.”

  We unbuckle and hug after she pulls her bags out from the back. “I love you, kiddo. Call me if you ever need to talk about anything.”

  I bury my face in her hair. “I will. I love you, too.”

  She pulls back, her hands on my arms. “Be gentle with Jared. Okay?”

  “I would never do anything to hurt him. Ever,” I blurt.

  She pulls me back into her arms. “I know that, honey.”

  I watch her until the second set of automatic doors close behind her before climbing back into my car. I have to adjust my seat forward before I pull away. I’ve always been short, but all this thinking about my family these last few days makes me wonder how tall my mom and dad were. They were both taller than I was, in the way all adults were, when they died. If they were still alive, would I be as tall as my mom was or shorter?

  My questions swirl on repeat. What happened? What happened? What happened? Why did I go to live with Carmen instead of my grandmother? After I get home, I do a Google search for the school I attended. Carmen had been in her fifties when I lived with her. I’m not sure if she still even works there or is retired. I try calling the school but have to leave a message since it’s after business hours.

  Frustration makes me antsy. I pace from room to room in a vain attempt to pick up. I’ve cleared everything off the kitchen countertop and am wiping it down when Jared gets home.

  I hear his key in the door and the extra stomp of his boot to knock any snow still clinging to his boots. I hear the clatter of his keys dropping into the glass bowl on the table by the door, the quiet drop of his hat next to it. I’m looking back at the pile of stuff on the island, not feeling like putting any of it back. In my attempt to clean, I’ve made more of a mess.

  “Hey.”

  I keep my eyes on the pristine countertop in front of me. Maybe I can ignore the mess I’ve made. If I don’t see it, maybe it doesn’t exist at all.

  He comes to stand beside me, his pinkie finger teasing the edge of my hand without actually taking my hand. He’s scoping me out, trying to get inside my head. I drop my head forward, my chin to my chest before rolling it to the side, my ear to my shoulder, my eyes on his.

  “I cleaned the counter.”

  His arm lifts to wrap around my shoulder and pull me closer to him. “That is one clean counter.”

  He wants me to open up, to tell him what’s bothering me. He doesn’t want to have to ask.

  “I had lunch with your mom today.”

  “And took her to the airport.”

  Ah, he knows something. She must have called or texted him after I dropped her off.

  “What did she tell you?”

  “That you’re dealing with some stuff. She didn’t say what.”

  I curl further into him, pressing my cheek to his chest. “She said my grandmother was planning for me to live with her, but something changed.”

  His one arm stays banded across my shoulders, holding me to him while his other hand strokes slowly up and down my back.

  “Isn’t that a good thing?” he coaxes gently.

  I press my nose into his shirt, nuzzling it as I shake my head.

  “Why not?”

  I sag against him, knowing he’ll hold me up. “I’m just confused now. I wish I knew what changed. Your mom didn’t know.”

  His arms support most of my weight as he walks us to the sofa and sits, pulling me into his lap. “What can I do to make you feel better?”

  I offer him my lips in response. His head dips as his lips land on mine. I sink into the solace of his touch. My worries dissolve and flee for now. It scares me how easily I can lose myself in him. The world outside of his skin on mine fades away. The way my body reacts to his feels more than something chemical, more than hormones, and pheromones.

  He makes me feel better in a way I’ve never been able to experience with another person. I straddle him so I can grind against him through his jeans. He pulls my sweater over my head, and instead of doing the same with my tank top, he tugs it down to uncover one of my breasts. He lifts me, bringing my nipple to his mouth. I miss the press of his cock between my legs.

  I reach my hand down between us, fumbling with the button of his jeans. I want him inside me. I groan when he gently nips my sensitive peaks.

  “Please, Jared, please,” I beg.

  “What do you want, baby?” he whispers against my skin.

  I can’t think with his mouth on me. I want him. I don’t want to spell it out. I want him to rip off all my clothes, bend me over, and make me forget everything else. I don’t want there to be a stitch of clothing between us. I want to feel his skin on mine from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head. I want him to move me. I like feeling light in his arms. I need the delicious burn I’ll feel when my body stretches so he can fit inside me.

  Knowing he won’t move until I say something, I speak, “Give me all you got.”

  He sets me back down on him. He flips the back cushions off and over the back of the sofa as I pull my tank top off. At the same time that his hands go for my breasts, my hands move to free his cock. He gives my nipples a playful tweak before gripping me by the waist, lifting me and setting me next to him.

  He’s hanging out of his jeans. He takes off my socks and pants. He leans back for a beat before diving face first into my crotch. My back arches as my fingers find purchase in his hair.

  “Oh, fuck,” I whisper, locking eyes with him.

  My mouth drops as Jared pulls a mouthful of my underwear down my legs with his teeth. I need him to fuck me now. I’m naked, and he still has all his clothes on. Sure, his cock, his rock hard cock, is hanging out, but I want to feel his skin. He tugs his hoodie and the t-shirt he’s wearing under it off. I try to move, but he shakes his head and slowly takes off the rest of his clothes.

  I’m shaking waiting for him. My hands are too restless to stay still. I roll my nipple between my fingers before pinching it. My other hand drops to tease my wetness. With hooded eyes, he pauses to watch me touch myself. I lick my lips and lift my hips to give him a better view. His desire feeds my own. Just when I’m about to cave and reach for him, he moves to cover me.

  My hands move to his neck. I pull his lips down to mine. I sigh into him as he fills me. He waits, letting my body relax around him. My
eyes are closed. When they flutter open, his eyes are there to lock onto.

  “God, you feel so fucking perfect,” he groans, his lips hovering over mine.

  My hands slide up to his face, one to each cheek to hold his eyes to mine as he moves in and out of me. My hips meet his with each of his thrusts, but his eyes are what captivate me. I always believed him when he told me he loved me. This beautiful man loves me. I’ve never felt so scared and alive at the same time.

  He sits back on his heels and takes me with him. My hands hold on to his shoulders until he settles himself back down on the couch. My body is now over his. I lean back, arching to feel him deeper inside me. His hands cinch my hips, lifting me and pulling me back onto him. My body takes over. I feel the build within me, the anticipation of release.

  “Don’t stop, harder. Don’t stop,” I breathe.

  “Get it, babe. Get it,” Jared encourages, driving into me.

  “Oh, God. Oh…fuck.” I ride the pulses out, shaking when they leave me.

  They send him over the edge. His hands turn to vice grips on my hips as he spills himself into me. His breaths are ragged as his hands loosen and move to rub the red marks they left on my sides. I lie down on his chest, my ear on one slope as I listen to the thump of his heart. His hands slide up my back and into my hair, rubbing the base of my skull.

  I should be sated, blissed out. Instead, I’m overly emotional, raw. Jared’s oblivious until a tear slides from my cheek to his chest.

  “Hey.” He shifts, trying to turn my head to look at me while I turn my face further into his chest. “Are you crying?”

  I shake my head, not to say no, but as a silent plea that he not ask. He ignores it, shifting further up so that his back is to the side of the couch and I’m sitting up in front of him. My hands cover my face. I try to hide in the crook of his neck. His fingers wrap around my wrists, and he tugs them from my face. He holds them both in one hand, and he pushes away the hair that has fallen into my eyes.

  His thumb brushes my cheek. “Sawyer, why are you upset?” His eyes soften. “Did I hurt you?”

  I shake my head.

  “Please, talk to me,” he urges.

  I gulp, swallowing the desire to free any more threatening tears. “You didn’t hurt me.”

  I start to move, but he holds me tight. “I’m not letting you go until you talk to me.”

  “I just hate that I don’t know what happened. I needed her,” I admit.

  “No matter what, you’ve got me. “ His arms band tightly around me.

  Later, as Jared is putting our kitchen back together, he asks me to come to work with him tomorrow.

  “Say what?” I can’t mask the confusion on my face.

  He passes me a take-out menu. Neither of us feels like cooking. “If you stay here, you’ll just end up dwelling.”

  “Well, isn’t that what you’re technically supposed to do inside a dwelling?” I try to joke.

  “You’ll feel better if you get out. I’ll give you a private lesson.”

  Something in the way he says it makes my gut drop. I play it off. “You’ve tried before.”

  He flashes me a crooked grin, doing his best not to laugh. I can do lots of physical activities. I’ve been doing yoga so long my balance and flexibility usually make picking up other sports a breeze. Snowboarding is not one of them. Every time I’ve tried, I’ve spent most of my time on my ass. Goofy foot or regular, it doesn’t matter.

  “Come on. I’ll make it worth your while.”

  “Is that so, Keller?”

  He grins then nods toward the menu in my hands. “Ready to order?”

  Sawyer watches the tree line out of the side window as I drive. She wanted to drive, but I’m already stressed enough. Besides, my SUV already has clips on the roof rack for my board. I love her, but I’m not letting her drive my ride. I hope this works, getting her out of the condo. She’s never been the outdoor sports type, more into yoga than anything else.

  I can’t wait to get her on the slopes, my turf. She can be as stubborn as she wants anywhere else, but we’re heading to my mountain. Once she lets go, she’ll see how fun it can be. How right we can be.

  Maybe that’s the problem. As long as we never leave the condo, she can trick herself into not acknowledging us. Whatever my mom said to her sparked something in her. I don’t know what she said, other than encouraging Sawyer to seek out answers from her past. This reminds me of that quote about learning lessons from history or being doomed to repeat it.

  When Sawyer and I first started whatever it is we’re doing, I mourned the time wasted. We’ve known each other forever. We could have been together forever. It took me long enough to understand how untrue that is.

  I’ve learned that with every single failed relationship of mine, and watching Sawyer bail on every dude she’s been with, how to be the man for her. These years wasted have really been my internship into all the pieces that make up Sawyer Sterling. As much as she likes me to take the lead in the bedroom, she never really gives it all to me.

  There’s a piece of her that she’s still holding back. Maybe getting her outside of her comfort zone and into mine will be the trick. There’s also no rush, though. I’d never admit this to anyone but we’re light-years farther than I even dreamed was possible. Just because there is no rush, doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying.

  Loving Sawyer has made me a greedy man. I can’t get enough of her, and I don’t think I ever will. She has turned me inside out, and I’ll never be the same again. It took me a long time to get this close to her. I’ve got until the end of time to make her mine. Only thing I can’t do is scare her off now that we’ve come this far.

  That would be the biggest mistake of my life.

  Getting out is just what I needed.

  “You aren’t going to push me again, are you?” I tease.

  Jared did that once years ago trying to find out which foot was my “dominant” one.

  “Nope, you’re goofy all the way,” he laughs, pushing my knit cap down to cover my eyes.

  I push it back up and stick my tongue out at him. After we’ve parked, he takes my hand and we walk to the snow school together. He hooks me up with a guest pass and gear. I can feel his coworkers checking me out, watching whenever he reaches for my hand. I stand back, surprised when he gives them tasks for the day.

  I hadn’t realized he was their manager. He stopped competing a couple years ago. He must have gotten more serious about working after that. It’s hard not to see him as anything but laid back.

  “What?” He drapes his arm around my shoulders as we walk out to the lifts.

  “You’re like the boss?” I scrunch my face at him, and he laughs.

  “What did you think I was doing?”

  I shrug. “This is ruining my whole Jared is a bum mindset.”

  His mouth drops. “Dude, I’ve never been a bum.”

  I cover my mouth with my free hand to resist laughing.

  He rolls his eyes. “You suck.”

  My hand still over my mouth, eyes full of mischief, I nod.

  It’s early and midweek. The resort Jared works at isn’t overly busy. As I sit next to him as the lift takes us up, it’s clear how at home he is here. Short of when he’s drifting off to sleep, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him so relaxed.

  “Like what you see?”

  I elbow him and look at the skiers and boarders making their way down the trail below us. “Thanks for bringing me today.”

  He slips off his glove, tucking it under his arm, and tilts my chin toward him. His fingers are still warm. He leans down to kiss me. Our eyes lock behind the shaded goggles.

  His lips are soft, our kiss sweet. We’re nearing the top. He slips his hand back into his glove and takes mine to help me transition off the lift. We are on the bunniest of bunny hills. I’ve fallen no fewer than six times and I love every minute of it. I’m not thinking about anything other than staying up. There is something so liberating in thinking o
f nothing else.

  If I succeed, I make it down the hill without falling. If I fall, it is within my power and control to try again. Two hours into it, I tag along with Jared as he teaches a beginner group lesson. I am his example. He’s off his board, his hands on my hips as he explains to the boarders how to balance, turn, and safely sit if they feel like they’re going too fast.

  They’re glued to him, attention fully under his command. Even I’m under his spell. I’ve never seen him give a lesson. I’ve never seen him manage someone. There are people around, but the first time everyone else is out of earshot, I tell him how fucking hot he is like this.

  I bite back a laugh when his eyebrows lift. His goggles move with them. He shifts them up onto his head and kisses me in front of everyone. I’ve never considered sex in the snow before, but if he said the word, I’d probably go for it.

  That is until I wipe out. Sitting on the side of a mountain crying because you turned your hips when you only meant to turn your head, which makes you face plant hard, is not fun.

  Jared is in front of me. He doesn’t even know I’ve fallen until he turns his head to glance back at me. My wrist hurts. I ate snow, my nose hurts, and I’m crying so hard I don’t know if my nose is bleeding or just running. Jared ditches his board and runs up the slope to me. I’m incoherent. My vocabulary is only head nods and shakes at this point.

  He unclips my helmet and eases my goggles off. “Can you stand?”

  After I nod, his hands move to my board. One of my boots is still fastened. He frees me as I watch. My cries have dissolved into hiccups.

  “Does anything hurt?” His face hovers in front of mine.

  His gloves are now off, and his hands cup my hand. I nod, lifting my hand. He slowly slides my glove off and inspects my wrist. I wince when he moves it. He keeps his eyes on mine as he lowers his head to brush his lips across my knuckles. He helps me to my feet, and another instructor I remember meeting from before stops next to us.

  “Grab our boards. I’m taking Sawyer to the office,” Jared instructs over my shoulder.

  We take baby steps down the slope. He apologizes the whole way. I want to tell him I’m fine. I am. I just had the wind knocked out of me, and when I fell, it happened so fast that it scared me. I’ve gotten fairly comfortable falling on my ass. It’s falling forward that I wasn’t prepared for.