In Every Port

by Karin Kallmaker

  Jessica was in the midst of typing in a lengthy citation for her book when the phone rang. Wearily, she marked her place. The phone had been ringing continuously since lunch.

  "Jessica, it's Cat. I really need your help!"

  "Anything, Cat, what's wrong?" She heard the near hysteria in Cat's voice.

  "Jim asked me to go out tonight. He has these play tickets. I lied and said I had a prior commitment and he really pressed me about breaking it. He said we should get to know each other better, especially since he thinks I might be up for a promotion to another property — and he wants to be able to say he really knows me. Oh, Jessica —" Cat broke off.

  "It's okay, go on."

  "Well, I really dug myself into a hole," she said shakily. "I told him you were dropping by to pick me up for a meeting at a women's association, that you'd be making a speech and I'd be making a presentation on our hotel and you were not in your office so there was no way to call it off. It was so lame, but it was all I could think of. And I thought he'd be leaving around four-thirty but I just heard he's sticking around until six tonight. I said you'd be here at five."

  "It's okay, I can make it. Really," Jessica said, trying to give Cat an infusion of calm energy. "I'll be there a little early, in my best bib and tucker. I'll look at my watch a lot and ask to borrow your phone to call and confirm my speaking time. Did you say where the meeting's at?"

  "Sausalito, seven o'clock. That's why we need to leave at five," Cat said, in a low voice. "I can't believe I panicked like that. But I was so scared —"

  "It's okay. I'll be there before you know it."

  "Thanks, Jessica," Cat said. "I really owe you."

  "I'll think of an appropriate payment," Jessica said, in a teasing voice. Like maybe you could love me for the rest of your life?

  She put on her don't-screw-with-me white silk blouse and navy blue pinstripe suit. Jim Barton had better not mess with me, she thought grimly.

  She found the sales office by 4:55 and asked for Cat. Cat appeared almost immediately.

  "Jessica! I'm almost ready," she said loudly, with a big smile.

  Jessica responded in kind, feeling as if she were in a play. She knew Cat too well to be fooled by her smile. The lines around her eyes were filled with tension.

  "We can't afford to be late," she said as they walked back to Cat's office. Cat gathered up her briefcase and purse, and an armful of hotel brochures. Jessica saw her tense as Jim Barton walked into the room.

  "Off to your meeting?" he asked lightly.

  "Yes. Jim, you remember Jessica Brian, don't you?"

  "Sure do, I never forget a face," he said, shaking Jessica's hand.

  He sure does remember you, Herself commented wryly. You're the bitch who screwed up his first pass at Cat. Jessica smiled vivaciously. "We're going to risk the Sausalito ferry," she said.

  "Marin County Businesswomen's Association," she said.

  "Some women's meeting, right?" he said.

  "Must be a big slice of business for you to give up an evening," he said to Cat.

  "They're thinking about doing an exhibition. Of course, I think they should hold it here," Cat said, smiling. Jessica thought her smile was so brittle it might break.

  "Isn't that Katy's area of responsibility?" he asked, playing with his tie and unbuttoning his grey suit jacket.

  "Usually, of course. When they mentioned their idea at a meeting, Jessica promoted me as the person to know, so I couldn't very well pass the presentation onto someone else after the big build-up Jessica gave me. I'm very interested in their Association, too."

  And what the hell difference is it to you, Jessica wanted to demand. Why do you care how she spends her time off?

  "Well, I hope we get a contract out of it," Jim said pleasantly. "Your department could use the numbers."

  Jessica got mad. She knew Cat had an above average rental rate, the best of all the Regencys in California. She tried to keep a handle on her temper as Cat began to edge toward the door of her office.

  "We do try," Cat said, smiling, smiling.

  "I know you do, kid," Jim said, and he put his arm around Cat, squeezing her chummily. As Cat walked toward her door his hand went to the small of her back, patting Cat as if she were some pet animal.

  Jessica saw red. How dare he touch Cat! As she turned, she saw a small table with glasses and a full pitcher of ice water on it. Her action was spontaneous and well-choreographed.

  "Cat, aren't you forgetting your brochures?" Jessica asked, and she turned back toward Cat's desk. Her briefcase swung out and rocked the little table. The pitcher toppled and spilled its contents on what was closest to it — which just happened to be Jim.

  The water and ice cubes splashed onto Jim's crotch, then down the entire front of his grey pants, leaving a dark wet trail. Jim shouted and grabbed at the pitcher. The rest of the water poured onto his shoes.

  "Oh, I'm so sorry! How clumsy of me," Jessica protested. She grabbed a couple of Kleenexes from the box on Cat's desk, then bent to dab at Jim's soaked kneecaps. "Oh dear, these aren't really going to help." She batted her eyelashes just as Marilyn did when she was playing innocent.

  "I'll call housekeeping to come and mop up the water," Cat said, going back to her desk. She turned her back on Jim and Jessica, but not before Jessica saw her shoulders quiver with barely restrained laughter.

  "I'm just so sorry. I just can't believe I did that," Jessica said again.

  "It's quite all right," Jim said.

  Jessica could tell it wasn't quite all right. What's the matter, loverboy, she thought, did your ardor get dampened? Herself went off into gales of laughter, but Jessica kept her expression guileless.

  "You must send me the dry cleaning bill, you simply must," Jessica said.

  "Oh no, it's just water. I'll go and find a towel," Jim said and he quickly disappeared down the hallway holding his jacket closed over the very obvious watermark on his pants.

  "Let's go, shall we?" Cat said in a bland voice.

  "Oh let's," Jessica agreed, equally blandly.

  Once in the elevator, Cat began to laugh. She laughed all the way out to the street.

  Jessica pulled her into a doorway, out of sight from the hotel. "Stop laughing, Cat," she ordered. Cat's eyes were filling with tears.

  "It's too funny. The look on his face," she gasped out.

  Jessica fumbled in her purse and found a tissue. "Come on, take some deep breaths. Blow your nose and let's get out of here," she said, glancing over her shoulder. "You don't want him to find you having hysterics."

  "Thanks, Jessica. I feel so much better. Maybe he'll just decide I'm bad news and leave me alone," Cat said hopefully. "He deserved to get water all over himself. I'm so glad it happened."

  "You don't think it was an accident, do you?" Jessica asked.

  "Well, of course — no! Jessica, you didn't."

  Slowly, Jessica nodded, a tiny smile playing about her lips.

  "You wonderful, wonderful woman." Cat threw one arm around Jessica's shoulder as they walked, giving her a quick hug.

  "Yes, I know. I'm pretty wonderful. Want to buy me a pizza?" Jessica's heart was pounding from Cat's nearness.

  "I'll buy you two pizzas! Can we change first?"

  "Sure. Jeans and sweatshirts?" Jessica asked.

  "Would I wear anything else?"

  "I wonder what Jim's wearing right now," Jessica mused.

  Cat started to laugh again. "He lives in Walnut Creek. He has an hour's commute."

  "With wet pants on. Gee, I guess he'll be a little embarrassed." Jessica giggled. "The devil made me do it."

  "I like your devil," Cat said. "Do you have any other wonderful qualities I don't know about?"

  Jessica choked on a swallow and was speechless all the way home.

  "I wish I could get a decent night's sleep," Cat said the following Sunday night. She had been pacing for almost an hour. Jessica felt as if she were watching a volcano walk back and forth in her living room.
"I'm running on adrenaline and caffeine right now. I don't know how you stand me."

  "I understand why. You're not bothering me at all, please believe that," Jessica said firmly. "Let me help."

  Cat stopped pacing and looked toward Jessica, but she still had a faraway look. " 'City on the Edge of Forever.' "

  "Say what?"

  "A great Star Trek episode. Let me help is a more powerful phrase than I love you, according to one Captain James T. Kirk."

  "Oh." Perhaps that was right, Jessica considered.

  "I was able to duck the dinner invitation for last night, but I'm running out of excuses. I can't pour ice down the man's pants every time he gets out of line," Cat said with a weak smile.

  "I wish you could," Jessica said darkly. "It's too good for him. Castration's a thought."

  "You're so bad, Jessica," Cat said with a half-hearted laugh.

  Jessica realized that she was not being very successful at cheering Cat up. Jim had intensified his proposals for dates and dinner and Cat was to the point of confrontation — and probable unemployment.

  "I wonder if I'll ever sleep again," Cat observed a few minutes later.

  Jessica considered the pale face, puffy eyes, the nervous cough, the hair that didn't seem to glisten anymore. A plan formed in her mind. "Let Aunt Jessica take care of that," she said with a bright smile. She selected two albums from her collection and went to the door. "Come on, we'll see if my magic system works for you."

  Cat smiled brightly, too, and Jessica sensed the effort it cost her. "What are we going to do?"

  "Don't you worry about a thing. You're not to think about anything, okay? Run along and change into your pajamas," she said as they went to Cat's apartment. In the kitchen, she poured them both a glass of milk. She put an album on the player and turned the stereo up.

  "Now what?" Cat said from the doorway. She was wearing a nightshirt with New York Cat emblazoned across it.

  Jessica thought she was adorable, but found it easy enough to forget she was burning with fever for Cat, at least for the moment. She had to help Cat get some sleep. "Into bed with you," she ordered and she followed Cat into her bedroom. Like a little girl, Cat clambered into her bed, fluffing up her pillows, sinking down under the covers.

  Jessica put the album on and drew up a chair, dimming the light in Cat's bedroom just a little. "Have some milk," she offered and she kicked off her shoes and curled up in the chair.

  The narrator on the record began and Cat gave a squeal of delight. "Peter and the Wolf! I haven't heard this in ages. The french horns are the wolf."

  "Right you are. I like Leonard Bernstein's voice, don't you?"

  "Shhh," Cat ordered imperiously. "I want to hear."

  "Okay, okay," Jessica said, smiling.

  "The oboes? The duck! Of course, I just forgot. The flute I know is the bird. And the clarinet is the cat, yes, I know that. I've always thought of myself as a clarinet."

  Jessica didn't agree. She thought Cat was a cello because a cello affected her the way Cat did. They both made her heart soar. Whenever she listened to solo cello she wanted to cry. She rested her head on her knees and watched Cat enjoying the story.

  "Uh-oh, the bird and the duck don't see the sneaky old cat coming," Cat said, her eyes beginning to droop. She snuggled down into the pillows, wiggled her feet and finished off her milk.

  Jessica smiled gently to Herself.

  Well, Herself observed. You certainly are in a bad way.

  I know. I think she's started to need me, to want me to be there for her.

  Don't you want her to need you?

  Yes. But I want more. I want her to feel needed and loved. I want her to feel desire for me and the joy of being desired. Most of all I want her to know that together we are strong, unique, two souls that have merged to become one perfect union.

  You don't want much, do you? Do you think she can give you that?

  Yes, of course. She's free and mature.

  "Oh no, the wolf ate the duck," Cat exclaimed. "What a mean guy."

  Herself snickered.

  You know what I mean when I say mature, Jessica told Herself crossly. I want to make her realize she's free to choose any way of life she wants.

  What if she wants a Mohawk and purple hair?

  I'll help her dye it. So there! What do you have against Cat anyway, she asked Herself sternly. Out with it!

  You're not who you were, Herself said plaintively. You've changed.

  Is that so bad?

  I guess not, Herself admitted. You seem a lot happier, even if you are a melted puddle around her. You haven't had trouble sleeping for months now.

  I'm glad you've accepted it.

  Herself sighed. Well, why don't you get in bed with her right now? Come on, let's get this show on the road!

  Oh hush up, I don't need you helping my sex drive any. It's hyperactive enough as it is.

  "Good for Peter. He got the mean old wolf," Cat observed, sliding down into the bed, her eyes closed. "What are we going to do now, Auntie Jessica?"

  "You're going to lie still and listen to some nice music while Auntie Jessica keeps the boogie man away."

  "Okay."

  "Nighty night. Don't let the bedbugs bite," Jessica said softly, turning off the light. That was what her mother had always said to her.

  She changed albums to some quiet music. A softly played guitar streamed comfortingly around Jessica, through the doorway to Cat's bedroom.

  "That's nice," she heard Cat say sleepily.

  "Go to sleep," Jessica said gently, but with force. The power of suggestion, she hoped. She stretched out on Cat's couch, ready to turn the record over, if need be.

  She hadn't thought about her mother or father for a long time. She had been born when her mother was thirty-seven, her father almost fifty. They had always been elderly to her. They had loved her very much, but in an undemonstrative way. She had never wanted for anything, but the quietness of her parents' home had prevented her from asking friends to her house. Consequently she was rarely asked to other girls' houses. So she made only a few friendships, and they were fleeting.

  And then when she was nineteen, her parents had died in an accident. She had grieved, missing the quiet way they had supported her life. But then college and self-discovery and coming of age had put her childhood behind her.

  How had she lived so many years in a closet of her own making, hiding most of all from her real self? All those years seemed a haze now. There was only Cat and her life since Cat had come into it. When Cat went out of her life again, if Cat went out of her life again, she corrected mentally, she would mark it as another era.

  She drifted in a sleepy haze, relaxed by the music. She heard the record turn off. No sound came from Cat's bedroom. She decided she'd take a nap before she risked waking Cat up by checking to see if she was asleep.

  "Jessica, wake up. Come on, wake up."

  "What?" Jessica raised her head, wondering briefly where she was. Cat was bending over her, her hair tousled and body backlit by a light from her bedroom.

  Cat sat down next to her, one hand on her shoulder. "You fell asleep on my couch. Aunt Jessica's magic cure had its effect on you too," she said with a soft laugh. "I hope you don't have a crick in your neck."

  "What time is it?"

  "Time for me to get ready for work. I feel so good, thank you. I really needed to sleep and you helped," Cat said. The warmth of Cat's hand on her shoulder burned into Jessica. For a moment Jessica had thought Cat was waking her up in their mutual bed. For a moment she had arched her body toward Cat, wanting to taste her lips, her mouth, the softness of her neck.

  As Jessica tried to gather her composure Cat leaned down, her arms sliding under Jessica for a long tight embrace. "I can't remember ever having a friend like you," Cat whispered into Jessica's ear. "Thank you for being there." Jessica felt the soft swell of Cat's breasts pressing against her own and she trembled. "You're cold," Cat said in concern, sitting up again. "My bed's stil
l warm. Why don't you go get in it and go to sleep again? You must still be sleepy."

  Jessica wondered what Cat would do if she sat up and kissed her. Cat's body was on the verge of awareness, Jessica instinctively knew it. If she kissed Cat they would go to bed, Jessica knew that, too.

  And Cat would regret it immediately afterwards, wondering what had led her to do something so perverted. Cat had to make the first move or she would always feel that Jessica had seduced her.

  "Come on, sleepyhead," Cat urged, pulling Jessica to her feet.

  In a daze she followed Cat. Wearing only panties she slid between the warm sheets of Cat's bed and let lassitude overtake her.

  Cat's aroma surrounded her. The pillows smelled of her hair, the sheets of her body. Would Cat lie in her bed tonight and smell Jessica and wonder why the scent comforted her so? Or would she change the sheets before she slept in them?

  She listened to the soft noises of Cat showering and then drying her hair, sliding her closet open stealthily. Jessica kept her breathing steady. This is the most erotic thing I've ever done, she told Herself. Sleeping in the bed of the woman I love.

  It is pretty hot, Herself admitted.

  Not hot, keep your mind out of the gutter. It's erotic. There's a difference.

  Considering the state of your nether parts, my dear, Herself replied sarcastically, I don't see any difference.

  She sighed deeply. Yes, isn't it wonderful?

  "Did I wake you, I'm sorry," Cat said quietly, standing next to the bed.

  "No, you didn't. I'm just dozing. Your bed is very warm."

  "Electric mattress. It's imported from New Zealand and incredibly self-indulgent."

  "Ummm-hmmm. You're leaving. I'll go home now," Jessica said, sitting, up. Cat pressed her back into the bed, her hands warm on Jessica's bare shoulders.

  "Go to sleep."

  "Yes, Aunt Cat." As Cat shut off the bathroom light and walked to the door, Jessica hoisted up on her elbows. The sheets slid to just above her nipples and in the closet door mirrors she could see the sleepy, tousled, wanton picture she made.

  "Cat?"

  "Yes?" She turned to look at Jessica.

  "Are you okay?"