In Every Port

by Karin Kallmaker

  "We're eating fish. Should we be drinking red wine or white?" Cat asked, smiling as she ate.

  "I'm not sure canned tuna qualifies as fish," Jessica said, giggling, "and besides, I've never believed those rules anyway. I drink what I want, when I want."

  "I certainly hope so," Cat said slyly, with a nervous giggle.

  "You surprise me every moment," Jessica said softly. She looked at Cat. "I've been biding my time, waiting, afraid to approach you because I was sure you wouldn't accept a relationship with me. There was Paul, you know. And you talked about men a lot."

  "Paul, dear Paul. Stupid Paul. Macho Paul. Paul was the epitome of the men I chose to make myself miserable with. I was never interested in getting married. I always wanted to have the kind of sex you read about in books," she finished.

  Then her eyes widened, as if a new thought had struck her. "I practically jumped into Paul's arms last summer. I let him stay the night again for the first time — it was the night you cut your foot. I was so, well, hot and bothered." Cat swept her hair off her neck and thought for a moment, blushing. "I really made him work, but I wasn't ever satisfied. Not until today."

  "I wasted a lot of time, but you put up quite a smoke screen," Jessica said, wanting Cat to know everything she'd been feeling.

  "I honestly don't know what I would have done if you'd approached me sooner. In New York, we seemed so close and I never even suspected you might love me. I only knew that I wanted to spend time with you more than anyone else, including the jerk at the bar."

  "Oh, my love." Jessica lifted Cat's hair from her shoulders and let it ripple through her hand. She'd been longing to do that for ages.

  "I like the way you say that," Cat said, leaning her head against Jessica's hand. "I remember how disappointed I was my first time. Losing my virginity was not exactly pleasant. How was your first time?"

  "Fabulous. Her name was Phoebe. Of course, it was just simpler that way, you understand. I wasn't a lesbian or anything like that."

  Cat laughed. "We should get medals for how well we've deceived ourselves for so long."

  "I'm beginning to think so," Jessica said. "It's taken me all my life to see the vision. There's no turning back now."

  "I couldn't turn back." Cat pushed aside their plates and cuddled happily in Jessica's arms.

  "Wait here a second," Jessica said. She kissed Cat on the tip of her nose and slid out from under her. "Be right back," she called, digging into the very back of her closet.

  "What's this?" Cat asked as Jessica handed her the Bloomingdale's bag, a trifle crumpled and dog-eared. "You bought these way back then? For me?"

  "For you and no one but you."

  "I'll show you my runway walk from my modeling days," Cat said, her face flushed with pleasure. "I love these slippers."

  "You'd better hurry up with the modeling show," Jessica said, her voice getting husky. "You're not going to wear that for very long."

  Every day was heaven. Cat gave her notice, and wrote her letter to the Board of Directors about Jim Barton. At night, Jessica marveled at how much she was learning about lovemaking from Cat. They went out to dinner and stared into each other's eyes for long periods of time, as if neither could believe the other existed.

  One Friday night they were cuddling on Jessica's couch, Cat in the corner and Jessica sitting between her legs, leaning back on her chest toboggan style. Flicking through the channels, they immediately rejected Fantasy Island and Jessica tried the other stations.

  "Wait," Cat said. "Go back, what was that?"

  "It's Briggs, the illustrious Senator Briggs. What is he doing on public television?"

  The picture shifted and Cat laughed. "Debating Harvey Milk! I want to watch this."

  "I didn't know you were following the Briggs Initiative," Jessica said.

  "I wasn't, not really, I've just always thought Harvey Milk was a neat guy. And until real recently, I didn't think the Briggs Initiative would ever apply to me. I wasn't a homosexual then." There was laughter in Cat's voice.

  "But it's a precedent," Jessica said earnestly. "It's actually a repression of free thought and free speech."

  "Okay, okay. I didn't understand it quite that way a week ago, but I understand it perfectly now. Isn't he something?"

  "Harvey?"

  "Yes. I wish I had his poise, his sureness that he's right."

  They watched him refute the Senator's arguments. He wasn't cool. He didn't use flawless logic delivered with cutting dignity. He was logical, but passionately so. He didn't argue constitutionality, but the logic of human rights. He came back to one point. His people shall be free. And everyone who wasn't a middle-class straight male was one of Harvey's people. He tried to speak for them all.

  Jessica sighed happily as Cat kissed the top of her head and hugged her periodically. When the debate was over a Tyrone Power swashbuckler movie came on and on impulse, Jessica rolled over and unbuttoned Cat's blouse.

  "Oh, fie," Cat protested. "Why, what are you doing? How can a helpless maid withstand such force?" Cat unhooked her bra and shoved Jessica's hands under her blouse. "Why, how you push yourself on me."

  Jessica giggled. "I shall take thee to bed, wench."

  "Oh, no, I beg of thee," Cat cried dramatically, jumping off the couch. "Do not force me," she said as she ran into the bedroom, shedding her clothes along the way. Jessica heard her body go thump on the bed. "You have overwhelmed me," she called.

  Jessica walked slowly to the bedroom. Cat was already under the covers, naked. Jessica stopped in the doorway. I feel as if I'm in a state of grace when I'm with her, she told Herself. How can she be so very much everything I dreamed about?

  "I love you," she whispered, walking to the bed.

  "Prove it," Cat whispered sensuously, all her laughter gone. "I'm yours, Jessica."

  They said nothing more to each other than their own language of interchange, murmurs of ecstasy, groans of deep-felt want. The world was wet and salty sweet, inflamed and charged with electricity. Legs entwined arms entwined legs. Mouths were thirsty and drank sweetness. Emptinesses were filled.

  Election day was Cat's first day at her new job, and Jessica met her to celebrate at the Italian restaurant where they had first had dinner. Cat chattered away about her new staff, her new boss and Jessica sat in the glow of her enthusiasm.

  "It's great to be working on a new project. You don't have any shortcomings to gloss over. There are three convention planners on the architectural board for the hotel, so we should have perfect meeting space."

  "It's amazing to think your job could be so ideal after the crud you went through with Jim Barton," Jessica said.

  "Hey — I forgot to tell you! Marsha heard from a trusted source — you would not believe this woman's grapevine — that Jim Barton has just been transferred back to corporate. He was promoted to vice president of disappearing markets." She was grinning happily.

  "A promotion?" Jessica was incredulous. "That hardly seems fair."

  "Sorry." Cat laughed. "It's an insider joke. It actually means he's been transferred to a position that sounds better but is organizationally less important. No subordinates. Marsha said no one will say why."

  "But we know, don't we?" Jessica said, smiling back at Cat.

  "I'm just about finished," Cat said a few minutes later, pushing the last of her fettucini around on her plate. "I don't want to get too full. A full stomach makes me sleepy and I don't particularly want to go to sleep tonight. At least not right away," she said, wiggling her eyebrows at Jessica.

  "You darling," Jessica said, reaching across the table. She linked her fingers with Cat's. "Have I told you recently how much I adore you?"

  "No. At least not since this morning," Cat teased. She looked at their linked fingers. "Aren't you afraid people might stare at us?" she asked Jessica quietly.

  "A little, but I want to touch you," Jessica said softly. She released Cat and then realized that the man and woman at the next table were staring at them. The
couple looked away when Jessica returned their stare.

  "They looked at us as if we were insects," Cat muttered.

  They finished their dinner quickly and walked home, mostly in silence.

  "Well," Cat said, finally. "You tried."

  "Tried what?"

  "To make a statement."

  "I wasn't trying to make a statement. I wanted to touch you," Jessica repeated. "If they can't handle it, that's their problem."

  "I can't handle it," Cat said slowly. "I mean I can, but I thought I wasn't going to have any problems."

  "Someday it'll be okay, I know it," Jessica said. "Let's watch the returns and see what happened with Briggs. I have this feeling that it's not going to pass, that people just don't believe that gay and lesbian people are after their children's bodies."

  "I hope you're right," Cat said doubtfully.

  Most of the local coverage was devoted to the Briggs Initiative — defeating it meant a lot to San Francisco. By the time the votes were tallied, two-thirds of the voters said that they didn't think that job discrimination against gays was right and so they voted 'no' — and proposition six failed. The local news reported parties all over San Francisco's gay community.

  "Let's go, Jessica," Cat said suddenly. "I want to be part of the victory. It's what I am now."

  "Are you sure?" Jessica asked quietly. God, it took me forever to get used to being a lesbian. How did she come to terms with it so quickly?

  "Yes. It feels right. That's where I belong, in that community. Let's go join the celebration! We won," Cat declared, with growing excitement. "A month ago I didn't belong to anything. Now I belong to all those people and the entire movement. I want to belong."

  "Okay," Jessica said, jumping up. "Let's go find out what's out there for us!"

  Cat kissed her enthusiastically and they changed and caught a cab to the Castro district where Harvey Milk was supervisor. It didn't take the driver long to find a neighborhood bar filled with people.

  "This is great," Cat said in Jessica's ear as they squeezed toward the bar. They found a spot and ordered drinks and Jessica felt Cat's arm slide around her waist. She put her arm around Cat's shoulders. They were among friends. They had nothing to hide from anyone. Jessica felt drunk already, drunk on freedom and happiness.

  "I feel wonderful," she whispered to Cat, and she kissed her softly on the corner of her mouth.

  Cat kissed her back. "I think we shouldn't stay too late," she murmured suggestively. "There are a few things I'd like to get done when we get home."

  "Such as," Jessica prompted.

  Cat's response was drowned in sudden shouts and people all over the bar stomping their feet and applauding. Harvey Milk had just walked in. Standing on tiptoe, Jessica looked at the man who inspired her with so much hope.

  Harvey Milk was not a tall man, not an imposing figure. But he had that quality of being a man of the people. There was an aura about him that attracted everyone, including Jessica. She wanted to bask in his courageous light for a moment, take a piece of it away with her. He gradually gravitated to where she and Cat were standing, arms around each other, and suddenly Jessica found her courage.

  "Supervisor Milk, I want to thank you for your commitment," she said. What a dumb thing to say, she thought. Cat seemed tongue-tied.

  "Did you vote today?" he asked, with a smile of polite interest.

  They both nodded silently. "I'm grateful for what you've done for us," Cat said, after a gulp. She squeezed Jessica. "You've changed our lives, a lot of people's lives."

  "Thank you very much," he said sincerely. "That's what I want, for people to care." Someone else attracted his attention and Jessica was overwhelmed with the excitement of having met a man she felt was going to make a significant, long-term impact on the gay rights movement. She felt the hope of it in her soul.

  People called for a speech and Harvey Milk was coaxed up onto a bar stool. "I don't want to make a speech," he said when the bar fell respectfully quiet. "I want to celebrate." He raised his beer. "Here's to homogeneity!" He grinned. "Look it up," was all he said.

  Much later that night, Cat did the few things she'd wanted to get done and then Jessica was pressing her down into the bed.

  "Your turn to lie back and enjoy it," she said huskily. "You make me so happy. I'm going to love you any way you like."

  "Yes, Jessica," Cat breathed.

  "Do you like this?" she asked as her mouth alternately caressed one beautiful, erect nipple, then the other.

  "Yes."

  "More?"

  "Yes."

  "Touching?"

  "Yes."

  "Lower?"

  "Yes."

  "Here?" Jessica said with a sigh of anticipation.

  "Yes."

  Jessica parted Cat with her tongue. She knew she was going to cry while she loved Cat but she couldn't help it. Cat trembled and kept murmuring "Yes." Jessica immersed her tongue in Cat's taste, Cat's feel, Cat's softness. She felt Cat gather herself slowly, tighter and tighter until her entire body flexed and fluttered in ecstasy.

  Jessica didn't want to move her mouth. It fit perfectly into Cat. She wanted to put her arms around Cat's hips and just lie there, but she was sobbing too hard to breathe properly and finally she lifted her head.

  "Darling," Cat whispered, "what's wrong?"

  "Nothing, nothing's wrong. I'm so happy, Cat. I love you, Cat, I love you so much," Jessica said in a jumble. "I don't know what I've done to deserve this kind of joy."

  "I was just asking myself that question," Cat said. "I feel silly and over-romantic, but I feel as if fate has pushed us together — that I was meant to be with you."

  "It's spooky," Jessica said. "And wonderful."

  "Wunnerful, wunnerful," Cat said with a laugh. "Where are you going?" she asked as Jessica suddenly got out of bed.

  "Hang on a second." Jessica swore as she stubbed her toe on her desk. She turned on the light and found her dictionary. Standing in the door of her office she read to Cat.

  "Homogeneity. Comparable. Equivalent. Having no discordant elements."

  "Nice word," Cat murmured when Jessica returned to bed.

  "Sure is. A word to live by."

  They slept on it.

  The following evening, after what Cat called an I-missed-you-all-day-roll-in-the-hay, Cat was making dinner and Jessica was watching Bugs Bunny when Jessica's doorbell rang. Jessica grabbed a robe while Cat dashed into the bedroom for her clothes. "Who can it be?" Cat asked as she flew by.

  "I've no idea," Jessica said. She belted her robe around her tightly and peeped through the peephole. The hallway was dark, but she could tell it was a woman. She opened the door.

  "Roberta!" Jessica was stunned.

  "Jessie!" Roberta exclaimed. Jessica recognized the tight red satin pants before Roberta threw her arms around Jessica. "Some guy let me in the building. I wanted to surprise you! It's so good to see you!"

  In shock, Jessica stood back and invited Roberta in. She watched in a daze as Roberta carried in a large suitcase. Oh no, she wailed to Herself. What will Cat think? What will I say to Cat? What will I say to Roberta? Herself observed smugly that this situation had been bound to happen someday and Jessica should have thought ahead.

  "What are you doing west of the Mississippi?" Jessica asked. She couldn't think of anything else to say.

  "Following the path of employment. I got tired of Chicago and decided to come to California. All the disco's are in California, along with the sunshine," Roberta explained, looking around her with interest. "You look great."

  "So do you. Uh, why don't I go get dressed," Jessica said, aware of Roberta's sexual scrutiny.

  "If you think you must," Roberta answered.

  Just then the bedroom door opened and Cat came in, dressed. Jessica knew Cat must have heard their conversation.

  She performed perfunctory introductions. Cat smiled and shook hands and seemed to wait for Jessica to say more, to explain her relationship to Jessica. Jess
ica was losing control of the situation.

  Roberta looked at Jessica again and flushed. "I think I arrived at a bad time. I wanted to surprise you. Maybe I should come back later."

  Jessica saw Cat take a deep breath. Her eyes bored into Jessica's, commanding her to say something. Jessica's mouth opened and closed slowly. You're doing fish imitations again, Herself said. "No, don't be silly."

  "Oh," Roberta said, looking from Cat to Jessica. "Are you, I mean —"

  "We're neighbors," Cat said coolly. Jessica felt Cat's rage and hurt like heat from an open oven. "I'll be going now so you can visit with your friend," she told Jessica sweetly, too sweetly.

  "There's no need," Jessica began.

  "Oh I have scads of housework to do and grocery shopping, of course. See you later, maybe."

  Cat smiled and said nice to meet you to Roberta and then she left. Jessica heard the too-quiet click of Cat's door on the other side of the foyer. She sank down on her sofa.

  "Wow," Roberta admired. "She's beautiful. And how convenient. I wouldn't mind spending a few hours between those legs."

  Jessica's head shot up, and she blushed a furious red. "She's not available," she told Roberta in a quavering voice. "We're lovers, we're together."

  "Sorry," Roberta snapped. "Why didn't you say so?"

  Yes, indeed, Herself asked, why didn't you say so when Cat was here?

  "I guess my surprise was a big mistake."

  "I am glad to see you, but I can't —"

  "Oh, I understand," Roberta said bitterly. She pushed her hands into the pockets of her jacket. "Don't call us, we'll call you. Story of my life."

  "I'm sorry. I never expected to see you again," Jessica said in a quiet voice.

  "I never pegged you for a one-woman woman, Jessie," Roberta said, turning her back on her. "I've got some other friends to see, so I guess I'll be going."

  "I am sorry, Roberta. We had a very good time."

  "I was looking forward to more," she said.

  "I can't."

  "Tied you down, has she?"

  "No! I tied myself down. I love her and I wouldn't hurt her for the world," Jessica said passionately. Herself commented that she had a strange way of showing it. And she was saying it to the wrong person.