Ugly Duckling: A True Life Story of Beauty, Manipulation and Murder

by Phillips, Royal

  All because of you, sweet Pammie.

  Pam, Randy and puppy

  ____

  AUGUST 5, 1969

  “I don’t care much for fair weather husbands, Royalie, I believe they should be good friends.” Pamela.

  _____

  AUGUST 10, 1969

  “When am I ever going to get boobs, Auntie Royal?” I just look at her and smile.

  Pam and Erik at 2 years old

  _____

  SEPTEMBER 12, 1969

  There was one solo Lamaze teacher I heard about, the nurse, Marti Anderson. She taught classes in her home on the Mesa and I was eager to learn about what my body did in pregnancy and labor. My doctor refused to listen to what I was learning and said I should leave all decisions up to him. In spite of his advice, I forged on to classes and learned for the first time in my life how to relax and obtained knowledge about exactly what my body did in labor and delivery. At 8 months of pregnancy, I changed doctors to Ralph Green who was new in town and was the first to support natural childbirth. I was scared but determined to learn this birthing process. I was excited to experience this new direction.

  _____

  OCTOBER 30, 1969

  After two dry runs to the hospital, Dr. Green announced I am 3 centimeters dilated. Rodney took me to the Lobster House for an unhurried luncheon. We laughed and joked. All so very merry. Our natural childbirth classes seem to be paying off. How different this birth was compared to that of my boys.

  About 3 PM Rodney said, "We better go now." At Cottage Hospital I was 5 centimeters. The nurses remarked at how calm and happy I was. Rodney and I played Parcheesi and I did my Lamaze relaxed breathing with ease and kept laughing. Dr. Green arrived and announced that he had never seen a woman "crack up" during labor.

  Next door a woman who was half as dilated as I was moaning and crying. At first this spooked me but later made me determined to forge ahead. At transition, I actually could see colors and shapes of these intense contractions! Dr. Green said, "Maybe those are what we need to bring the baby.”

  I gave birth to my 10 lb. daughter, Paige Elizabeth, with no drugs, no episiotomy and with a 5 1/2 hour in hospital labor. She was two weeks “overdue” but I waited patiently. My hospital stay was three days.

  I could do cartwheels of triumph after her birth. Rodney cries tears of joy. We have our girl! It was so different from my boys’ births when I was fearful and had no information. Having experienced the highest high of my life and overcoming mental scars of my sons’ births, I went on a mission. I decided to bring this information to other couples in my community.

  We must call Pam; she now has a beautiful female cousin to adore!

  We have our girl! The birth of Paige 1969

  The boys meet their baby sister, Paige

  _____

  NOVEMBER 18, 1969

  Quotes from Randy at 6:

  Mom, do you really like hippies?

  “Yes, I do, Randy.”

  Why?

  “Because I like what they stand for- peace and love.”

  What kind of people don’t you like?

  “Well, I like most every one. I guess I would have to say people who are fakes.”

  What is a fake?

  “People who aren’t truthful to themselves…they pretend and don’t always tell the truth.”

  Pam at 12:

  “Some people are coiled and uptight, Auntie Royal. I’d rather see them free like a gliding snake.”

  Luckily, I’m not afraid of snakes

  _____

  JULY 8, 1970

  The Free University at UCSB offered my class “The Realities and Fallacies of Childbirth.” I had just graduated from The American Academy of Family Relations in Los Angeles earning a degree to teach childbirth education. Pam encouraged me as we drove out to the University. We found more boys than girls came to learn about childbirth. All six summer classes were held in an Isla Vista church and were always full. It was a very proud accomplishment –- my first class ever. I so appreciated Pam trekking along with me and learning as well.

  Not about childbirth but rather that if you really give of yourself, with no agenda, your gift itself will be the reward. What fun we have with her along as our family.

  I watch her grow each time she comes to visit. My big brother sends me letters thanking me for taking her along. He reports that she is more considerate when she gets home! Now, that’s a fast learner, Pammie.

  She amuses me with constant questions of when will she ever get boobs! I assure her that she will have them soon.

  She watches me breastfeed baby Paige while I tell her all the benefits of that ancient and correct piece of motherhood. Her mother did not breast feed her kids. I wonder if Pam is truly learning from me. As I learn, I teach my children.

  _____

  JULY 15, 1970

  I blew their minds! Son Randy who just turned eight and niece Pam at 13 going to see HAIR in Los Angeles. I was a bit concerned about Randy being so young but my kids know all about birth, babies and bodies.

  This “rock musical” was the first of it’s kind in theater. Hair was a satire on the hippie counter-culture and sexual revolution of the 1960s. The musical's profanity, showing use of illegal drugs, its portraying of sexuality and its nude scene caused controversy. This seems to truly be the “age of Aquarius”.

  Randy especially liked it when the singer came up from a trap door in the stage wearing a gas mask and then sings the song "Welcome, sulfur dioxide. Hello carbon monoxide. The air ... is everywhere". Pam liked being invited onstage at the end and dancing wildly with the actors. I liked the three singers inside of one spandex dress belting out BLACK GIRLS. We sure had a lot to talk about on the drive back up to Santa Barbara.

  Pam and Randy entertain us, Montecito

  _____

  AUGUST 20, 1970

  I go to the new Crocker Bank and they tell me that my account is overdrawn. “That’s impossible,” I blurt out. I ask to see the checks. And there they were, more forged checks by Rodney. This was the third time he had forged my name. The first time was when we were newly married and his steak restaurant was bankrupt. My mother advised me that I had investment stock in Canada and that I should bail my husband out so he didn’t have a black mark against his credit. This was Pandora’s box for Rodney. Another banker called me one-day years later and said that my note was due. I thought all notes were musical. I was not educated about financial matters. It was easy for Rodney to forge my name on a bank note. He and his pals wanted desperately to get Occidental Petroleum stock. They had a hot tip. Unbeknown to me, he bought $50,000 worth of stock from my account. The banker was uncomfortable and so was I. We made Rodney sell all the stock at a loss of $10,000. My personal account went back to normal. The rest of his pals lost everything. And once again, I changed banks.

  All these deceptions brought back my mother’s words that no man would love me for who I was-only for the money I had.

  I am enraged and speed home.

  I keep thinking about the time I was looking for a rocking chair at Salvation Army, pregnant with Randy, when he tore off a ten dollar sold sign and bought the chair for me. He then lectured me, “Remember, Royal, it doesn’t matter how you get something as long as you get it.” I sensed big trouble.

  I throw his clothing out of the second floor balcony as he drives into the circular driveway. He yells up, “What the hell are you doing?” I yell down, “Three times and you’re out. Out, out, out!”

  _____

  SEPTEMBER 2, 1970

  The anguish of divorce is rather overwhelming. However, I am rallying fairly well. I worry about my children’s psychological welfare but am hopeful that their father will be aware of their needs throughout their growing up. I cannot hang on and carry him along. Perhaps now he will face his responsibilities realistically. Perhaps not. But I must go onward. Dr. Ben told me I could not do this alone -- raise my three little kids unaided. And Mutzie tells me I will never be married again. That no
man would want me with three children in tow. All this input becomes a green light for me. All I have to do is be told that I cannot do something and I become ignited to prove them wrong. I shall devote myself to these three beautiful cherubs. That is my main duty that comes easily filled with love.

  _____

  SEPTEMBER 5, 1970

  Pam and I stay up late and we talk about her family. We swing in the hammock under the live oak trees.

  My mother absolutely hated my sister-in-law Lois. They were both queenly. She considered Lois to be from a mediocre family and not qualified socially for her number one son.

  I loved to play beauty parlor with Lois. I would pretend we were at Elizabeth Arden’s while she let me comb her hair and put make up on her face. I would make sandwiches in the shape of hearts and diamonds and serve them to her on a sterling tray. My mother was envious and complained that I never played beauty parlor with her. I could never imagine myself touching her.

  _____

  DECEMBER 3, 1970

  Contrary to my mother’s negative predictions about being a divorced mother of three young children, there was a tall, slender, silver haired airline pilot that lived on the beach nearby who asked me out. I instead asked him to dinner. He was introduced to my kids. He said, “All your kids are going to have dinner with us?” I replied, “Absolutely.”

  Cousin Pam with baby Paige

  I placed Paige into her high chair and brought in the main course. He said, “Children should be seen and not heard.” I said, “Nonsense.” At the end of our candle light meal, he said, “I have never seen such well behaved kids.” I smiled. He asked me out again. I was thirty and he was fifty-three. I wondered if that would be a problem. I wondered if he would still date me knowing that he would never stay over night with my children and I. I had made a commitment to myself to never expose my children to my sexual life.

  I met Jim by way of a divorced group garage sale in Montecito. My kids have nicknamed him, “Captain Jim”.

  Captain Jim in his United 747

  _____

  JANUARY 10, 1971

  Having experienced the highest high of my life and overcoming mental scars of my sons’ births, I decided to bring this information to other couples in my community. I obtained my teaching credentials at the American Institute of Family Relations in Los Angeles and have been teaching and coaching ever since. I began to study how the world has children and raises them. There are some common denominators. There are primal, earth-rooted techniques that we cannot afford to lose, as we become more and more high- tech. And more and more disconnected with earth and her rhythms.

  To begin teaching in this “hippie era” was difficult for me because I was from Montecito, I wasn’t a hippie and I wasn’t a nurse. I was one of the only teachers in the middle of the road. I was a mother who believed in the best possible beginnings for babies and families. I had to prove myself to the doctors that I wasn’t a witch and that I was going to help their practice instead of hurt it. Eventually, most of the doctors came around to even suggesting their patients take my classes.

  Royal teaching Lamaze

  _____

  JUNE 12, 1971

  Captain Jim takes baby Paige and me on many picnics up in the Figueroa mountains and invites us down to his seaside home. He made dinner for us early every Wednesday night when I taught my childbirth classes. The children began to cherish Captain and, amazingly, Rodney, my ex husband, and Captain became friends. Rodney was always impressed by Captain’s being the number one pilot for United. I remember him driving me down the lane from his parent’s nearby house to see Captain’s beachfront home with the helicopter sitting in front. Rodney told me that Captain had his own tickertape machine so he could keep abreast of his portfolio. I was not impressed at all by his material wealth. I already knew that money did not buy happiness.

  Picnic with Captain Jim 1971

  _____

  AUGUST 5, 1971

  No repeat of my mother’s painful addictions. I knew I had to be sober for this journey. I could not party and raise my three cherubs correctly. I didn’t hesitate or take up a fan club to spur me on. I merely dialed the number. A man called “Tom” said, “THIS COULD BE THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE.” I later met “Sally” that evening at All Saints By The Sea church and weirdly, our lives were extremely parallel. I wasn’t very nervous at this first AA meeting and was relieved to see others like me. And this then, is REALITY, painful and painless both…one day at a time. Smiles and my very own natural “high”. My family will benefit and most of all, so will I. Thank you AA and ALANON, I have come home.

  _____

  AUGUST 2, 1972

  Pam is with me in Montecito for the summer. Her mother has become very ill. Pam said that her mother was just being overly dramatic and that she wasn’t that sick. But Lois Johnson Phillips was very sick. Pam is awfully upset about having to move to Tucson because she left behind her gymnastics team, which she adored. I assure her that she could find another gymnastic team and become a star. I urge Pam to write caring cards, develop some compassion, and remember what her mother has put up with. Pam is 15 and very rebellious towards her mother and father.

  Pam at 15, Santa Barbara Botanical Gardens

  AUGUST 3, 1972

  I look at Pam who is taller than me now and smile. “When are you ever going to get boobs, Pammie?”

  Pam and Royal Swimming

  _____

  AUGUST 31, 1972

  Birth and death are similar — uncertain, an actual fact to be recorded, full of fear, the unknown, letting yourself surrender to become and to not be. Death is a miracle not to be fully understood. Birth is a miracle trying to be understood. They are both awesome.

  Today, Lois Phillips, only 42, died.

  Lovely Lois in Chicago

  _____

  SEPTEMBER 5,1972

  It is hot hot hot in Tucson. 103 degrees to be exact. I am mystified by Lois’ funeral. The nuns refer to her as their “sister”. The Catholic ceremony that is to laude her. They don’t even know her. They never met her. She died so quickly. Pam seems concerned with the flowers. Mercedes, my sister-in-law, married to Merv in Chicago, arrives in the room. “Pam, you know I have 3 children. One boy and two girls. The girls are your age. Would you consider living with us in Chicago now that your mother is gone?” Pam looks quizzically at Mercedes and says, “Who are you exactly?” “Auntie Royal, what color do you think I should wear? Which dress do you like better?” Mercedes turns and leaves the room. Pam and I have a heart to heart talk. Whispering in the sweaty heat. She tells me the secret that Frank Jr. was really the reason they moved from Edina, Minnesota. That he had gotten into drug trouble there and they thought it would be good to move to Tucson. A girl had been poisoned by brother Putzie’s drugs.

  I tell Pam about her grandfather Johnson committing suicide in Peoria. He shot himself in his office. We are sharing these secrets. I want her to know the secrets so that they are not repeated in our lives. Protecting my children is my major concern. Yes, that is why I gave up drinking several years ago. One of my most intelligent choices. I pray that Pammie follows my route.

  This is a dysfunctional family gone bonkers.

  _____

  SEPTEMBER 5, 1972

  I sat next to Frank, who was very drunk, in the Tucson Cork N Cleaver. Most of the family was there, including his children and his 2 sisters-in-law. He kept slurring, “Where will I find another woman as great in bed as Lois? She was the greatest lay I ever had. There is no one like her.”

  I squirmed in my seat and asked him to be quiet as I watched his children across the table from me. I was embarrassed. There was no respect for Lois -- her body wasn’t even cold in the ground. I wondered if her cold responses to life ate her up with lymphoma.

  _____

  JULY 4, 1973

  After touring around the island of Santa Cruz, we set 2 anchors in Platt’s Harbor. Thomas, Captain’s stepson, and Pam have a thing going on. It makes my he
art smile to see them romping around as teens. We row the dingy to the rocky shore and take hikes to see the Island Fox and wild pigs (they scare me). It’s 4th of July and there are other boats in more popular harbors. Delicate ferns dot big boulders and Pam and I select a pond as our bathtub. We collect driftwood for our barbecue.

  Thomas and Captain Jim set up for dinner. The waves lap against hills and caves. The bleating of wild sheep lulled us to sleep. The snorting of sea lions awake us …so near the boat.

  Santa Cruz Island 1972

  _____

  JULY 5, 1973

  Thomas and Pam decided to throw each other’s Levi’s over board. They then had to dive into the cold sea and search for them.

  I am considering taking Pam to Planned Parenthood. Her long legs dazzle us as she does her gymnastic balance bar routines on the edge of the boat.

  Thomas is beside himself.

  _____

  AUGUST 5, 1973

  I see the half written letter on the table. You are writing your best girlfriend in Minnesota. My eyes fall on “I drove Uncle Rodney’s yellow Porsche to Hollywood.” But you didn’t. Rodney never let anyone touch his Porsche. I have noticed that you tend to embellish happenings and you brag about events that are not exactly true. Despite our family tendency for storytelling, I am a bit worried. Actually, I am very worried.

  _____

  AUGUST 12, 1973

  An appointment to see Doc Weininger, our beloved family shrink, is made. I want Pam to have the freedom to tell him anything she wants. Bless you, Dr. Ben. You taught me to turn the other cheek. To go the 2nd mile. You taught me about my family’s alcoholism. May you teach sweet Pammie now. You know our family history so well.

  Ben Weininger, MD

  _____

  OCTOBER 9, 1973

  I witnessed the disintegration of a home. Pretty Pam -- the niece I love with all my heart -- what a hard thing for you to do. To turn yourself over to the Court and be placed in a foster home. You are only 16. I had no idea things were as bad and sad as they were. I admire your strength and fortitude, little lady. I think about asking you to come to live with us. Yet, you love your school and don’t want to leave there. I pray that all will turn out well. You describe a parade of women in your home. Parties with panties in the chandelier. Yet your dad harps on you being a virgin. A mixed message to be sure.