Spring Fever

by Deborah Cooke

  Kade was horrified.

  Reyna licked her lips. “Instead, her expression became confused. She seemed to fold in on herself, and she clenched her fist, clutching at her chest. She fell to her knees, gasped, and then dropped to the floor. She made a horrible choking sound, then whispered the little girl’s name. She didn’t seem to be breathing by the time the little girl got to her side, and she certainly wasn’t breathing when the ambulance came. The little girl stood in the corner of the room and watched the paramedics, feeling cold and alone and frightened.”

  Poor kid. Reyna had all of Kade’s sympathy. “Where did she live next?” he asked quietly when Reyna fell silent.

  She straightened. “She was sent to the moon, to her grandmother’s house in the country, where no one ever shouted, where there were lots of books to read, and where the chickens had to be fed every day. Her grandmother didn’t ask her questions or demand that she talk about any of it. She gave the little girl jobs to do and praised her when she did them well, sent her to the local school, which was small and friendly. The girl rediscovered the collection of fairy tales and they seemed more plausible to her again. For a while, it was enough.”

  Kade braced himself for another dark turn in her story.

  “The little girl wasn’t so little at sixteen when she caught the eye of the one boy in town said to be trouble. To be fair, he had a motorcycle and he looked a teeny bit like her father, and the sight of him reminded her of something sweet and good that she’d lost forever. Maybe that was why she stared so openly at him. Or maybe it was just that she was of an age to be looking for a prince, and he was both handsome and charming. Her grandmother didn’t approve of him, because she said that what’s inside is more important than what’s on the surface. She warned the girl and they argued for the first time, the girl’s interest in this boy tainting a relationship that had always been good.”

  Kade sipped his wine and said nothing.

  “The boy found the girl when she was crying about it, discovering her in weakness as such boys often manage to do, and persuaded her to run away with him. He convinced her to go immediately, before she could reconsider the wisdom of the plan, and it was exciting. They fled to the city on his motorcycle and, for a day or two, it was a thrilling adventure. She got her first tattoo.” Reyna touched the top of her arm, where Kade knew there was a fairy that looked a bit like Tinkerbell. She frowned. “Then he took her virginity and lost interest in her, and she woke up alone in a cheap hotel to find that he had stolen her money, too. She was alone and embarrassed and felt foolish for not listening to her grandmother’s advice.”

  She looked so dejected that Kade had to try to encourage her. “Don’t a lot of people in fairy tales get robbed before they find their way in the world?”

  Reyna smiled thinly. “The girl was afraid to go back to that country house, but mostly she was too proud to admit that she’d been wrong. She began to make a life for herself in the city. It wasn’t easy. She took any job she could get but eventually, she ended up waiting tables and sharing a tiny apartment with several other young women like herself. The first thing she bought when she had a spare dollar was a used book, a battered volume of fairy tales, and she read that book so many times that it practically fell apart.”

  “Why did the grandmother read fairy tales?” Kade asked gently when she paused again, knowing that he was really asking about her own taste.

  “Because they’re about hope. Everyone gets to live happily ever after.” Reyna traced a line on the tablecloth with that spoon. “And they’re about transformation, about becoming the person you’re meant to be, sometimes at great cost.” Her gaze flicked to his. “Sometimes you have to sacrifice the treasure to win the princess. Or the other way around. Nothing comes for free.”

  He nodded, understanding.

  “When the girl had saved a little bit of money, she had her first tattoo amended. It had been cheap and crude, but there was a tattoo artist on the next block. Her name was Chynna and when Reyna explained the issue, she made the tattoo beautiful.”

  The fairy, Kade remembered, was perched on an elaborate letter O in a script that said ‘Once upon a time...’

  “And she wouldn’t let me pay for it,” Reyna continued, abandoning the idea that the story was about anyone else. “I started to work for her, running errands, cleaning the shop, doing whatever she needed doing, as well as waiting tables elsewhere, and she paid me in ink. Chynna was the one who told me to contact my grandmother. I did, although it wasn’t easy, and she started to send me books again.” Reyna swallowed. “She sent me this book first, and I knew that I was forgiven. You should have seen me cry.”

  Kade wondered if she still had that book in her library. But if she did, she wouldn’t have been admiring another copy. What had happened to her grandmother’s book? Nothing good, he’d guess. “Did you go back to visit her?”

  Reyna shook her head slowly. “No. I never had enough money for that trip and I wouldn’t let her pay for it—and then, I met him.”

  Everything in Kade tightened at the change in her tone. He had a pretty good idea what kind of guy the young Reyna had met.

  “Another one,” she acknowledged, probably seeing the direction of his thoughts. “Another bad boy with a motorcycle. Another handsome guy with persuasive charm. Another guy I couldn’t resist. And at the beginning, it was just as thrilling of an adventure. I moved in with him and thought it was my happy ending. He told me how lucky I was, and I believed it.”

  She rubbed her arms as if she were cold and it took her a long time to continue. When she did, her voice was soft. “I remember the first time he hit me. It astonished me and I fought back, but not for long. He had a way of making sure that resistance was punished. He liked a fight first. It turned him on. But the more I fought, the rougher he was. I look back now and I’m amazed by my weakness, but he had been telling me repeatedly how worthless I was. I had started to believe it. I truly thought that I couldn’t survive without him. In hindsight, I know that it was a persistent level of emotional abuse and very effective. I lost my confidence. I lost the ability to make decisions on my own. He called me incompetent and unreliable, and I became both, simply because I believed him.”

  Kade didn’t like this turn of the story. He’d seen too many guys like this.

  “That was when he started to take my money, demanding it as soon as I stepped in the door, telling me it was for my own good. I argued with him, although it was a more feeble objection than it should have been. Maybe in my heart, I feared he was right. He broke my wrist that night for my defiance.” She took a shaking breath. “The next time I came home, he’d shredded my favorite books, the ones from my grandmother. He left them in pile to make sure I saw them and then he burned them before my eyes. He told me that was the price of ingratitude, that he was taking care of me and I needed to acknowledge it.”

  She stroked the book again and her voice dropped lower. “The only one he kept back was this one, because he knew it was the most important. He said that every time I defied him, he’d tear out a page and burn it.” Reyna shook her head and her tears fell, but she didn’t seem to notice. “I didn’t believe him, but he did it. Right in front of me.” She swallowed. “The destruction of my books shattered me, just the way he knew it would. Seeing him outside my place of work, watching to make sure I didn’t run, destroyed any urge to flee. I knew that if I ran and he caught me, I might not survive his lesson. I knew I was trapped forever. And I couldn’t leave that book. He’d chosen the perfect bait.”

  “But in fairy tales, there’s always an escape,” Kade suggested quietly.

  Her smile was fleeting. “That’s what Chynna said. She’d urged me to leave from the beginning, but I was trapped before I recognized the truth. She wrote to my grandmother when I couldn’t do it, and the new books were delivered to Chynna’s shop instead. Sean thought my grandmother had forgotten me and he was gleeful about that. I had a little secret stash at Chynna’s and I lived in terro
r that he would find out about it. On the other hand, its existence gave me hope. He started to burn pages from the blue book, just to terrorize me, not for any transgressions on my part. Just because he could. I hated him so much. Chynna started to pay me a wage, but she held it back, another secret stash that Sean couldn’t take from me.” Reyna smiled a little and raised a hand to the back of her neck. “She gave me the butterfly tattoo on my back so I would have the strength to be free. When he burned the tenth or the twelfth page and I was a wreck, she said the moment would come and insisted I should run.”

  “Did you believe her?”

  “Not really.” Reyna sighed. “And then my grandmother died, and I felt as if the world had ended. I’d let her down by never going back to visit, and by ignoring her advice. She hadn’t been well at the end, although I hadn’t known it. She would never admit to weakness like that.”

  “You came by that honestly, then,” Kade said lightly.

  “She’d sold the house, making the kind of deal you can only make in the country, that she could live in it until she died and then the farmer next door would take possession. The lawyer wrote to me at Chynna’s place, a certified letter sent overnight, telling me to come. I wouldn’t have gone, but Chynna insisted. She said it was my chance. She packed my books and gave me the cash she’d put aside for me. She gave me clothes and pushed a train ticket into my hand, escorting me out the back door of her shop and off to Grand Central Terminal. I was sure he would show up and intervene, but he never did.”

  “Too much trouble to chase you?”

  “Maybe. I don’t think he knew for certain what had happened until it was over. It’s possible that Chynna lied to him.”

  “What a good friend.”

  “The best.” Reyna sighed. “The funeral was nice. Small but heartfelt. Afterward, the lawyer told me that I was her sole heir, that the books were in storage and that the money was all mine. I knew it was my chance, just like Chynna had said. I didn’t go back to New York, not until last March. I went to Portland, looking for a place to recreate what I’d loved about my grandmother’s farm, and met Lexi there.” She swallowed. “I never saw Sean again.”

  “Why’d you go back to New York this spring?”

  “Lexi wanted to have an adventure in the city, to celebrate Olivia finishing grad school. I was afraid, but I thought it was time to take a chance. I can’t surrender the whole of New York to him. It’s been three years. I don’t want to live in fear.” Her features set with the resolve he had come to associate with her. “I won’t live in fear. Not for him.”

  “It must have been frightening to be there.” Kade watched her closely, awed by her strength and determination.

  “Terrifying.” Reyna straightened. “Which was why I went back a month later to have Chynna color the butterfly.”

  “In the same neighborhood?”

  Reyna smiled. “No, her shop has moved. Totally different part of town. I don’t think I would have had the nerve if she’d still been at Imagination Ink in Chinatown.” Her eyes widened slightly. “Still, I was really glad to get back on that train.”

  Kade reached across the table and touched her hand. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever known, Reyna.”

  Her gaze searched his, as if she didn’t believe him, then she pulled her hand away. “I’m scarred, Kade. I can’t give you what you want from me. I can’t be the person you want me to be.”

  “You already are.”

  “You don’t mean that. You can’t mean that.”

  Kade smiled. “But I do. Come on. Let me show you.”

  She swallowed and didn’t move. “I think I would only let you down. It would just be a matter of time.” Her tears welled and this time, she couldn’t stop them. They spilled down her cheeks and her mascara smeared. “I won’t be the one to hurt you, Kade.”

  That was enough.

  “No, you won’t,” he said with resolve and waved for the check. He was glad he had a clean handkerchief and gave it to her, paid the bill, then guided her out of the restaurant. He felt protective and as surly as a bear, wishing he could find this Sean bastard and rip his throat out for him. He wanted to make everything right in Reyna’s world, but instead he got their coats and asked for her keys, expecting a fight.

  It was indicative of how upset she was that she let him take control of the situation and drive her home in her own truck.

  Kade knew it. She clutched the book to her chest as they rode back to Honey Hill in silence and he also suspected that his opportunity to argue his side was done.

  It was the first time in a long time that Reyna knew she couldn’t rely upon herself to get through a situation.

  She was a wreck.

  And she was glad that Kade took charge. He bustled her out of the lodge and into her truck, then drove to her house. They rode in silence and she appreciated that he didn’t say things that were intended to make her feel better and would inevitably fail. She suspected that he finally understood the difference between them and why they had no future.

  Maybe that made him a little sad, too.

  Either way, she took the opportunity to blow her nose and stop her tears. When she felt a little more composed, she redid her lipstick and did the best she could to repair the smeared eye make-up.

  “I should wear waterproof,” she said under her breath, trying to lighten things up.

  “Is there such a thing?”

  “I guess it’s good you don’t know much about mascara.”

  Kade smiled, but didn’t look at her. She studied his profile for a long moment, then sighed. “So, now you know.”

  “Thank you for telling me.”

  “Thank you for the book.” She touched it again, amazed that it was in her lap, and knew she had to do the right thing. “I’m sure Clem would buy it back from you. He said he had a lot of interest in it.”

  Kade frowned. “Why would he buy it back from me?”

  “Well, I assume it doesn’t fit into your collection...”

  “I gave it to you, Reyna.” She was surprised that Kade sounded angry. “It was a gift.”

  “But our fling is done. You have to see that now...”

  “It’s yours,” he said, biting off the words.

  Reyna frowned. “I don’t think I can accept it. It’s too much.”

  “You did accept it, and you told me a story, your story. We’re even, if you’re keeping score.” He parked behind her kitchen and turned to her. His eyes were impossibly dark, and she couldn’t guess his thoughts although she felt the thrum of tension in him. “I asked for one chance and you gave it to me. I’m going to guess that I didn’t change your mind.” He offered her the keys to the truck, and she instinctively put out her hand. He dropped them into her palm. “Good night, Reyna.”

  Then he got out of the truck. He came around to her side and opened the door for her, which gave her about three seconds to think of something to say. “Aren’t you coming in?”

  “Did I change your mind?”

  “No. But we could...”

  “No, we can’t. We can only do that if we’re having a thing.” She felt him studying her but when she remained silent, he reached into his pocket. He took out a business card, and she caught a glimpse of the logo of the police department on it before he turned it over and wrote on the back. “If you change your mind, you know where to find me.” He put the card in her hand, but she still didn’t say anything.

  “I don’t think that you would hurt me, Reyna, and I don’t believe that we couldn’t make it work. You have to believe it, though, or at least want to try.” The silence stretched between them again and she reminded herself that this was what she wanted. “If you change your definitions, let me know.”

  “You’ll be back,” she said when he had turned away. “You won’t give up this easily.”

  Kade glanced back and shook his head. “We had a deal and I keep my word. I asked for one date then said you could choose.” Reyna met his gaze then, wanting to believ
e him. Heat flared in his eyes, but he turned away. “You’ve chosen. I’m going. You know where to find me if you want me to come back.”

  She held the card and the book, listening to the sound of his footsteps on the gravel after he was out of sight. She tipped her head back to look at the stars and felt her tears rise again. She had what she wanted. She’d told him the truth. She hadn’t made any promises she couldn’t keep.

  Then why did she feel as if the world had just ended?

  It would pass. Reyna was sure of it. She had just been looking forward to more great sex. She had to get used to being without Kade sooner or later, so starting now just made sense.

  Too bad she wasn’t convinced.

  Kade felt like he was jet-propelled all week long. He was ruthlessly efficient, organized, and on his game. His uncle gave him a ride to the lodge Monday morning and he picked up his bike, then rode back into Portland. He was so annoyed with Reyna that he didn’t even glance at her house. He was determined not to think about her, but instead, he thought about her all the time.

  He was disappointed in her choice. He thought she was so strong but she refused to take one little chance. He knew she’d been hurt and he knew she was reacting to her experience. But he wished she’d been able to make one little move in his direction, taken one little step.

  He wanted her to want him enough to try.

  But she’d chosen and he’d promised. He wasn’t going to forget her but he wasn’t going to harass her either.