To Love Again (Learning To Live Again Book 2)

by Dori Lavelle

  Fuck it. Let them think what they like. He didn't have to justify himself to anyone. "I just wanted to know if she's all right. She inhaled quite a bit of smoke."

  "She's fine." Brian sat down and shot a disapproving look at Sarah. "It's kind of you to ask about her."

  "It's my job," Shaun said and caught himself. He used to say that back in Serendipity when someone thanked him for saving a life. "Er, I was just in the area and thought I'd drop by. I'm glad she's doing well. I should go now."

  Brian nodded. "We'll tell her you asked about her."

  "No," he said quickly. "That's not necessary. Have a good night." He gave a wave and walked out into the freezing night. He didn't stop at his truck. Instead, he wandered the streets for an hour before he drove home. He wanted to see Kelsey, and it drove him crazy that he couldn't.

  Why couldn't she just leave things the way they were? You couldn't always have what you wanted in life. But he had to admit it wasn’t easy to walk away. He had broken his own rule. He had fallen in love with Kelsey. And now she wanted nothing to do with him.

  ***

  Shaun stood outside, gazing at her window like a stalker, dying to go knock on her door, to tell her that he wanted her and only her, the past or the future be damned. But the past pulled at him still, and he couldn't move on. His hopes and dreams for the future had been dead and buried since the day Carmen took her last breath.

  Maybe this was for the best. In his mind, he was a criminal. It didn't matter what anybody else thought.

  He walked into his cottage and went straight to bed. He dreamed of Kelsey—the ring of her laughter, the glint in her eye. Whatever happened, he would live with those memories. If only they were enough to stifle the ones from the past.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  A bell chimed as Kelsey and Maeve stepped out of Mandy's Shoes, laden with shopping bags. They both had the day off and had spent it in Limmery to cheer up Kelsey. With bowls of chicken and potato soup, occasional free shampoos and blowouts, and unexpected late-night calls to check in, Maeve had proven to be quite a friend.

  To end their shopping day, they slipped into a small café across the street from the shoe store. Kelsey was relieved. Two hours of shopping—although mostly window shopping—had left her exhausted.

  Before they sat down, Kelsey noticed Maeve's eyes were fixed on her face, her brows drawn together.

  "What?" Kelsey asked.

  Maeve frowned. "You look pale. Are you okay?"

  Kelsey balanced her shopping bags on a chair. "I'm just tired. This morning I woke up feeling as if I hadn't slept at all."

  "Lucy pushing you too hard?"

  "The opposite. She keeps telling me to take time off."

  "Maybe you should. Listen to your body."

  "I don't know. Working at The Hot Pot has taught me so much." She reached for the menu. "Let's order. I'm famished."

  "You're hungry already? I thought we were just having tea. We ate pizza two hours ago, remember?"

  Kelsey gave the waiter her order—a chicken sandwich with mayonnaise. "I'm supporting the food industry."

  Maeve squinted at Kelsey. "If you say so."

  ***

  Kelsey and Maeve shoved themselves and their shopping bags through Kelsey's front door, and Kelsey immediately flopped onto the couch.

  "Before you think about relaxing, I need you in the bathroom," Maeve said, pulling Kelsey back to her feet.

  Too tired to object, Kelsey obliged. In the bathroom, she perched on the edge of the bathtub and watched Maeve digging in her handbag. "What's this about?"

  "It's about you. Something's not right." She emptied the contents of her bag into the sink.

  "About me?"

  Maeve turned around to face Kelsey. In her right hand was a pink-and-white rectangular box.

  Kelsey blushed. "You're joking, right?" A pregnancy test?

  "It would explain a few things. Today is not the first time you are more exhausted than you should be. And these past few days, you're eating more than even I do. And you know I have a big appetite."

  Kelsey's insides froze and her hands tightened on the edge of the tub. "It can't be."

  "When was your last period?"

  Kelsey jumped up and disappeared into the bedroom to get her day planner, which she kept next to her bed. She held her breath as she leafed through the pages. She always placed a small red cross next to the dates on which she had her period. They were normally regular. January, however, was blank.

  "Is there a possibility?" Maeve asked when Kelsey walked back into the bathroom.

  Kelsey nodded, her head heavier than usual. "This can't be happening."

  "Do the test. It could be nothing. Maybe it's just stress. It's quite common."

  "I hope so." Kelsey reached for the pregnancy test.

  "I'll go and make you a nice cup of tea. Call me when you're done."

  Maeve left the room and Kelsey listened to the sound of her footsteps fading down the stairs. The last step creaked beneath Maeve's weight and then Kelsey closed the door.

  She looked down at her right hand and tightened her grip around the pregnancy test. The fragile box cracked as it gave way. If she squeezed tighter, she might just snap the stick.

  She closed her eyes and tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together. She counted the times she’d felt nauseous in the morning or woken up in the dead of night to wolf down a sandwich, a piece of chocolate, or anything she found in the fridge. It had been more than once, more than twice, more than she was able to remember. Or wanted to.

  All those nights, and she had thought nothing of it.

  The air froze inside her lungs and beads of sweat formed on her forehead. Please, God, let there be another explanation.

  By now the box was disfigured. She forced herself to open her hand and get on with it. She couldn’t.

  She left the bathroom, almost colliding with Maeve, who was waiting outside the door.

  Kelsey unwrapped her fingers to reveal the damaged but still unopened box. "I couldn't do it, not now."

  Maeve leaned against the doorframe. "Wouldn't it be better to know? A day or two won’t make a difference."

  One of the reasons Kelsey liked Maeve so much was that she didn't mince words. But right now, Kelsey wasn't in the mood for the truth.

  "I'm scared. I never thought I'd have a child...and definitely not like this." A bitter laugh escaped her lips. "Not with a man who doesn't even want me."

  "You have to remember one thing," Maeve said. "If you are pregnant, it's not only his baby, it's yours as well."

  Kelsey placed the palm of her hand on her abdomen. "Fine. I'll do the test today, but not now."

  Maeve smiled. "If you want to be alone, I understand."

  "You don't mind?"

  "Of course not. I know this is difficult. If you need me, I'm a phone call away."

  Maeve went back into the bathroom and gathered the contents of her handbag from the sink. Then she left, leaving Kelsey alone with fear coursing like ice water through her veins, and a pregnancy test in her hand.

  After what seemed like hours of pacing and forcing herself to take even breaths, Kelsey finally took the test. Time dragged as she waited for the results to show. When the five minutes were up, she held her breath and held up the stick, hoping for one pink line.

  There were two.

  ***

  Maeve answered on the first ring. "Tell me."

  Kelsey opened her mouth to speak but the words came out broken.

  "I'm coming over," Maeve said. "Hang in there."

  When Maeve arrived, they sat down at the kitchen table.

  "How is it even possible?" Kelsey asked, herself more than Maeve. Then she remembered. A week after Shaun had confided in her and they'd decided to be friends with benefits, they'd spent a heated night together and the condom had broken. She hadn't worried much about it, since she was also on the pill. Two types of contraception, and she still managed to get pregnant.

  "What
do I do?" For the first time since Kelsey had known her, Maeve had nothing to say. She reached out and held Kelsey’s hand. "Maeve," Kelsey said. "Can you do me a favor?"

  "Sure."

  "Please don't tell anyone about this."

  "Okay."

  "Thanks." Maeve enjoyed nothing more than passing on a juicy piece of gossip, but her tone assured Kelsey she was going to keep this news to herself. Just as she hadn’t told anyone about Kelsey's rendezvous with Shaun.

  "Will you tell Shaun?"

  Kelsey wilted in her chair. "I don't know." A week ago, she'd made a clean break of it. Now she was carrying his baby. He was no longer just the man she loved but couldn't have; he was the father of her unborn child.

  After Maeve left, Kelsey spent the rest of the evening under the covers, pretending she was stuck inside a bad dream and she would wake up any minute.

  In the morning, she went to see a gynecologist in Limmery who confirmed the pregnancy. Whether they wanted it or not, Kelsey and Shaun were tied to each other forever.

  On the way back from the gynecologist, she stopped at a church, where she lit a candle for her mother and prayed for herself, asking God for the strength she knew she would need. She rarely reached out to God, unless she was in trouble. And this time she clearly was.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  EIGHT YEARS EARLIER

  "I have the test results for you, Mrs. Brannon." Dr. Marcel's words were directed at Carmen, but he acknowledged Shaun with a glance as well. "You wanted your parents to be here for the news. Should I wait a little longer?"

  Carmen shook her head, and Shaun felt her freeze next to him. Her hands were clasped tight in her lap and her head was bowed. She was a wilted flower.

  She was terrified. The bouts of pain in the last few days had been so excruciating that she was convinced the test results would reveal something awful.

  "I hope you have some good news for us, Doctor."

  Dr. Marcel picked up a sheet of paper. "I wish I did."

  Shaun's stomach clenched and his heart started to race. But he had to be calm and strong for his wife. She had developed a unique ability to read his emotions without seeing his face. "What's wrong with my wife?"

  Dr. Marcel cleared his throat and met Shaun's gaze. "She has cancer."

  Laughter broke out, taking both Dr. Marcel and Shaun by surprise. They turned to Carmen, who was laughing so hard, tears rolled down her cheeks.

  "I knew it." She threw back her head and laughed even harder. "When it rains, it just pours, doesn't it?"

  While Shaun and Dr. Marcel gaped, she continued laughing. Then she wiped her cheeks and sucked in a breath. "What kind of cancer?" she asked in a small voice. "Is it curable?"

  "I can't say at this point," Dr. Marcel said cautiously.

  Hot anger swelled inside Shaun, and he stood up and began pacing the room. "What do you mean you don't know?"

  "Mr. Brannon, I know how hard this must be on you and your wife. But please have a seat so we can discuss this further."

  Shaun did as he was told, but his jaw was tight and his eyes shot bullets at the doctor's face. "Just tell me my wife will be okay, please."

  Dr. Marcel leaned back in his chair. "The treatment will depend on where the cancer originated. We don't know at this point. We need to run more tests to try and find that out."

  "So," Carmen leaned forward. "I have cancer of unknown primary?" Her voice was surprisingly calm and controlled.

  "What the fuck does that mean?" Shaun shot up and started pacing again. Dr. Marcel didn't ask him to sit this time.

  "Well," she said, "it pretty much means I might be a ticking time bomb. The has cancer spread before the source is known."

  Shaun stopped pacing and looked at the back of Carmen's head. It baffled him how she could remain calm under these circumstances while he felt like strangling the doctor for simply being the bearer of bad news.

  "There's nothing that can be done? It's too late? Is that what you're trying to tell us?" Shaun dared the doctor to him to give him the answer he didn't want.

  "Not necessarily. We have to run some more tests, as soon as possible." He paused. "But the chances of finding the source look slim. We're dealing with poorly differentiated malignant neoplasm, meaning the cancer cells look so abnormal, we can’t tell what type of cell they may have originated from. That makes it difficult to find the source."

  Carmen started to cry, her earlier calm dissolving. "In the meantime I should...get used to the idea that I could be dying."

  Shaun went to her and leaned his forehead to hers. "That's not gonna happen. I won't let it. We'll do every test there is, see specialists. And we'll beat this thing, together."

  "Or maybe my time is just up." She choked on her words. "It could be that I was meant to die in the car accident that night, but I cheated death, and now it's trying to get back at me."

  Shaun didn't respond. He didn't know what to say anymore. He wanted to punch fate in the face for stealing his wife. He wanted to tell her she was wrong, that what they were going through was just a test, and they would get through it. But what if she was right?

  Saying he needed air, Shaun stumbled out of the room and slipped into an empty room to call his brother. Garrett was just as shocked at the news, but tried to discourage Shaun from thinking this twist of fate was his fault too. Shaun believed everything that had happened to Carmen up to this point was his fault, but he promised his brother that he'd try. Only that proved to be difficult. When he walked out of the room to return to Carmen, he walked straight into her father's fist. Which meant they had already heard the news.

  Nick's face was crimson with anger as he jabbed Shaun's chest with a finger. "This is all on you. If anything happens to my daughter, I'll hold you responsible."

  Shaun swayed from the pain that shot through his nose, and the weight of the accusation. He dropped into a chair, and Nora, Carmen's mother, rushed to his side.

  "Stop it, Nick," she yelled at her husband, her voice drenched in tears. "The car accident was just that, an accident. And this... God knows this is not Shaun's fault."

  Nick's eyes spewed fire. "Don't bring God into this. Where was he when this man destroyed our daughter's life? Was he dead?"

  Nora jumped up and lunged for her husband. "Don't you dare talk about God that way." She pummeled his chest. "He's all we have now. And He will heal her." She grabbed his shoulders. "We have to believe that. And you have to forgive Shaun for what happened that night."

  Nick shrugged her hands off his shoulders. "Never."

  That one word cut Shaun to the bone.

  When Nick stormed out, slamming the door behind him, Shaun turned to Nora, who was kneeling in the middle of the room now, sobs shaking her body.

  He touched his nose and winced. "I get him. I'll never forgive myself either."

  "Just be there for my little girl," she said, and stood to leave. "She needs you now more than ever."

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  As he'd done all week, Shaun planned to spend as much time away from his cottage today to prevent himself from bumping into Kelsey, wanting to touch her, to fuck her. He drove to Limmery and sat inside a small café, trying to get some writing done. But he couldn't focus. It was one of the rare times when he didn't find pleasure in writing.

  After a wasted hour, he ordered his fifth cup of coffee and tried again, but everything he put down on paper was shit. So he quit and went for a drive to nowhere.

  In the end he drove back to Dreara. He didn't stop himself—couldn't stop himself—until he pulled up in front of The Cooking Academy.

  "Hey, Shaun, fancy seeing you here." Clara from Conaire’s Corner was smoking a cigarette outside.

  Shaun stuck his head out of the car window. "Hi, Clara. How are you?"

  Clara took a long puff and dropped the cigarette to the ground, grinding it into the asphalt with the toe of her shoe. "Well, apart from the fact that my workplace is in ashes and I have no job, I'm doing great."

&n
bsp; "I'm sorry about what happened…the fire." Shaun shifted behind the seatbelt.

  She shrugged. "What are you doing here anyway? You want to learn to cook too?"

  Shaun groaned. He didn't want to speak to anyone but Kelsey. Small talk was not on his radar right now. He wanted Kelsey, and he was ready to tell her that. "No, just driving around doing research... for my book."

  "Sorry to disappoint you. There's nothing much to see here. You just missed Kelsey. You could have taken her home, since you two are neighbors."

  Shaun frowned. "I thought class wasn’t over for a few hours. Why did she leave already?"

  "Kelsey had to leave. She fell sick."

  He didn't want to show his concern for Kelsey, but worry tainted his voice. "Is she okay?" He gunned the engine again and reversed the car.

  Clara yelled something over the sound of the engine, but he didn't hear. He had to get to Kelsey. The thought of her being ill tortured him. He was tense during the drive and sighed with relief when he turned onto Edgeway Street.

  Kelsey's car was parked out front. He killed the engine and burst through her gate. He rang the bell, then stood there with his hands in his pockets and his heart racing.

  Maeve opened the door. "What are you doing here?" Her eyes blazed. She clearly knew what had transpired.

  "I'm here to see Kelsey." He pushed past her and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

  Maeve followed, but he had opened Kelsey's door and closed it behind him before Maeve could enter. She didn't go in after him.

  Kelsey lay on the bed, looking small. Her nose was red, her face pale, and she was coughing every few seconds. "Are you okay?" He paused. He didn't approach the bed just in case she threw something at him. "I was at The Cooking Academy, and Clara told me you weren’t feeling well."

  "I’m not," she said, her voice hoarse but controlled. "But it’s just a cold." She coughed again. "What are you doing here, Shaun? You're not supposed to care, remember? You only wanted my body. So why the hell are you here?"