by Cass Sellars
“Stop. No. Please make her stop. Please make her stop.” Tears streamed from Parker’s eyes, her nails still abrading Syd’s skin.
Sydney shocked fully awake and instinctively folded Parker into her. “I’m here, baby. I’m here, it’s just a dream. Park, you’re safe.” Her breaths were short and shallow as she listened for Parker to come back to her. “I’ve got you. Please wake up.”
Parker shook awake suddenly and gasped as she swallowed a sob loudly into Sydney’s neck. “I’m sorry.” She stroked the abraded skin gently. “Did I hurt you?”
“No, Park, it’s all right. Are you okay?” Sydney refused to lessen her hold.
“I…I need to know something.” She blinked up into Sydney’s gaze.
“Anything.”
Parker’s voice was distant and disconnected as she spoke. “When Becky told me you were with someone at the Pride, the redheaded girl in the bathroom, is that true?”
Sydney sighed in resignation before she answered. “Yes and no.” She tightened her grip on her lover’s body when Parker tried to pull away. “Please let me explain. Please.”
Parker stopped pulling away, but remained tense as she searched Syd’s face. Syd was desperate to provide answers they both could live with. She sighed and embarked on a conversation she’d hoped never to have.
“It was months ago. I told you that night we went to the Rio for dinner that I had thought I could live the way I used to after I met you, remember? Allen had warned me that I would hurt you if I didn’t feel the same way that you did. I was…scared maybe? I don’t know. I also told you that night that I couldn’t live that way anymore. It’s almost as if I went there to prove something to myself. That I couldn’t just want to be with one person only…with you.” Syd took another deep breath and pressed on.
“That girl was there, I don’t know her name. I danced with her. We kissed a little.”
Parker exhaled loudly as she sat up and folded her knees under her chin, blinking away the moisture forming in her eyes. She knew intellectually that she was being slightly unfair to Sydney, but she couldn’t control her emotional response.
“We hadn’t talked about anything exclusive.” Parker tried to shrug it away rationally. “I can’t really expect…”
“Let me finish,” Sydney said quietly stroking a finger down Parker’s arm. “I admit it. I wanted to prove that I could still hookup, control it, run it, and leave it all there—whatever you want to call it. I did go into the bathroom with her to…” Parker shifted uncomfortably. “Anyway, it started to go in that direction. Then I saw myself in the mirror, I think I actually saw myself the way you would see me. No, we hadn’t talked about anything relationship-wise, but I couldn’t imagine letting you see me the way I was seeing myself at that moment.
“I told her right away that I couldn’t be with her and I walked out. I didn’t even stop to talk to Steve, I just wanted to come home. I couldn’t think about anything or anyone but you. I knew I was in a different space because of you. That’s the last time I so much as looked that way at another woman, I promise you.”
Parker looked directly at Sydney for the first time. “Would you have told me about that night if she hadn’t said anything or I hadn’t asked?”
Sydney sighed again. “I honestly don’t know. Since it would have made you doubt me, maybe not, but that decision was taken away from me.” She gently stroked her cheek near the cut. “Park, I never want to see you hurt. I can’t even explain what I felt when I saw Becky with you. If you hadn’t stopped me, I don’t know that I would have.”
“I just wanted it all to stop. To have you back with me. I was so scared for you.” Parker pushed the faceless woman from her mind and tipped her head onto Sydney’s shoulder. “Thank you for telling me. I’m not needy, you know. Not usually,” Parker offered.
“What do you mean?” Sydney looked quizzically at Parker.
“I don’t like this feeling. I get a divorce, I cry. I sell my house, I cry. I empty a box, I cry. You make me happy, I cry. The next thing I know, I’m forced to spend two hours with your Ode to Bad Judgment and I cry some more. This isn’t who I am. I go toe to toe with men with twice my experience and much more power. I don’t fold, Syd, I just don’t. I’m used to feeling strong and it’s the one thing I can count on…usually.” She dropped the words as much to hear them as to convince Syd they were true. Her hands betrayed the sentiment as they shook involuntarily.
Sydney pivoted on the bed and turned Parker’s face up so she could look into her eyes, to stare into them. “Do you get how much you’ve been through in less than a year? It would have crippled your average woman, your average person, and believe me, you aren’t even close to average. I admire the hell out of you for what you’ve done and how much you have dealt with. She could have really hurt you badly. I want you to be a little bit needy. I want to feel like I can protect you, take care of you—otherwise what would I be for?”
The cloud of doubt and distrust drifted away. Parker grinned as she knelt and fell against Sydney. “Arm candy, remember?”
Syd laughed as she pulled Parker down into her arms again. “Lie with me. I’m not ready to be away from you yet. And if that makes me needy, I’m okay with that.”
*
Saturday’s rain emphasized the fall chill as Parker answered concerned calls on her new cell phone and hosted police officers requesting further statements and clarifications, even physically walking her through it once again which was numbing and made Sydney visibly seethe. The space across the hall pulsed with untapped emotion and unavoidable dread.
She skimmed through old movies and Syd made soup which they ate quietly in their pajamas. Parker felt a calm wash over her. Jenny had called to report that Quint had asked about her and instructed her to take as much time as she needed away from the office. Parker acquiesced to Monday and Tuesday but firmly declared her intention to return to the office midweek.
Parker was pleased when Sunday brought still more rain tap-dancing somber rhythms on the roof. After their second cup of coffee, Sydney headed to the shower and without announcement, Parker crossed to her loft for more clothes and shoes. She slowly slid the door open and absently pulled the remnants of dangling crime scene tape from her doorway. She rolled it into a haphazard ball which she dropped unceremoniously onto the floor inside the silent space. She stopped and forced herself to scan her home. She shuddered at the jagged memories that stabbed at her mind. She walked upstairs, secretly grateful Becky hadn’t made it up there. Parker wondered what Becky had been thinking when she’d planned the trip to her house—maybe nothing. She couldn’t understand the thought process of a madwoman.
When she reached the closet, she collected beige cotton pants and a thick red sweater, tucking her underwear into the pocket. Remembering thong-gate with a grin, she started back down the stairs. She reached the bottom and sat on the third step staring over her living room now decorated with crippling memories.
She had made such a long journey to get here, in her own space; she refused to be haunted by some deranged ghost who’d made such a temporary and unwelcome visit.
Sydney wore a desperate expression when she rushed through the doorway searching for Parker. She knelt on the stair in front of her, damp hair glistening against the light.
“You okay, baby?”
“Yeah,” Parker responded quietly reaching for Sydney’s hand, “but I need you to do something with me.”
“Anything,” Syd replied cautiously, taking her hand.
Parker stood, leaving her belongings on the stairs. She reached up and kissed Sydney just inside her door. Pulling her by the hand, Parker rounded the kitchen island and kissed Sydney again, briefly recalling having to send her the dismissive text. Moving through to the living room, she walked Sydney around where Becky’s body had been when she was arrested and just after Sydney pointed her gun at her head. She walked Sydney to each place in her home where the ghosts danced and demons taunted her. She placed Sydney wher
e she could kiss her or hug against her. She pushed Sydney into the side chair and placed her knees on either side of her hips. Parker leaned into a kiss with her stoic, careful lover. Feeling something hard bruise against her knee, she dug beneath the chair cushion, producing the detached heads of the statue that Becky had used as a weapon. She handed them to Syd, who silently tucked the evidence into her pocket knowing the police would want to have it.
“There,” Parker said with strength and finality. “Now, I can picture you in all those places I was picturing her before. I just wanted to take my home back.” Parker smiled and curled contentedly into Syd. “Thank you.”
Syd cracked a little as she held what she had been so desperate to save two days before, and what she was so desperate to run from as many months before. The Klaxon of a reversing tow truck drew their attention to the soggy front lot. They watched silently as the Jeep was attached to a steel hook and pulled down Meridian. This quick retrieval of an ugly reminder was, no doubt, courtesy of Mack Foster.
Chapter Eighteen
Syd worked quietly in her loft and silently reviewed their past few weeks. She and Parker had spoken only briefly about Becky, enough to update each other on where the case was. Syd thought long term and even dared to think of them as a couple. She couldn’t imagine being without her despite their reticence to properly broach the subject.
She jogged down the stairs and helped Parker put on her coat.
“Ready for this?” Spending Thanksgiving with Richard and Allen, the girls, and Richard’s mom, Casey, was far more domesticated than Syd ever imagined she would be.
Parker helped with food prep while Syd entertained Casey and Jen with work stories about brief interactions with notorious celebrities and compelling cases. Mack arrived in the afternoon at shift end, allowing them to finally start their feast.
Before dinner, Mack checked in with Syd, offering her ear and her shoulder if it were ever required. “You know you are probably going to have to testify, right?” Mack’s warning tone was unnecessary.
“I figured. That’s fine for me. I’ve done this a hundred times. But I’m scared of what that could do to her.” Syd gestured to Parker and felt a deep concern; she seemed to just be managing to muddle through the emotional fallout, although she would never admit it.
“Well, just so you know, Becky is now claiming that you invited her there and that Parker got jealous.”
Syd shifted and her jaw tightened at the news.
Mack held up a calming hand. “No one anywhere believes that, of course, but if she is found competent to stand trial, you will both be subpoenaed.”
“Trust me, Mack, if it goes to trial I will be there every freaking day.” When Parker joined them, Syd forced her anger into hiding.
“I heard what you said, Mack. Do you really think a jury would believe her?” She slipped her fingers through Syd’s crossed arms before she loosened them and draped her arm around Parker.
“No, baby,” Syd whispered reassuringly into her ear.
“I don’t think it will even get that far, Park. Any lawyer who passed the bar will push for a diminished capacity defense instead of risking jail time.” Mack rubbed her hand over her friend’s back and smiled absently, catching Syd’s eye. “And I’m still explaining why a West District homicide sergeant arrived first on the scene of a Central District home invasion. But you already know how the gossip mill is at a cop shop.”
Mack always sought professional common ground with Syd. Syd knew this time it was to subtly remind her of their shared commitment to law and order and not vigilante justice.
“The people who need to know, already do, so they will keep me informed. Try not to think about any of this and enjoy dinner. I shouldn’t have mentioned it today. Jen will have my head.”
“Sure. And we won’t tell.” Parker smiled at her friend. Sydney remained quiet, her frustration palpable.
The crowd finally sat for dinner and Casey suggested a Thanksgiving tradition practiced in Richard’s family for decades. They all agreed to take part in a gratitude circle, each announcing the most important and significant gifts in their lives.
Casey Dailey began, spending special moments thanking her son for being the person he was. She thanked Allen for being his constant and loving companion as well as her favorite son-in-law. No one mentioned the fact that Richard was an only child. Parker and Allen briefly met each other’s eyes and smiled.
Mack spoke next. She said she was thankful for all of them, but mostly for her wife and the baby, now proudly poking out from Jenny’s small frame. Jen returned the sentiment as she kissed Mack happily.
Allen and Richard thanked each other for their partnership, their home, their stable work, and their friend Parker’s safety.
Sydney barely made it through hers when she squeezed Parker’s hand. “I am grateful for many things in my life, but nothing more than the woman standing here and for everything she is for me, to me, with me…and in spite of me.” Parker hugged her gratefully and Sydney wondered what they really were to each other.
Parker closed the circle. “Of course I am so thankful for everyone here, and for what you have done in my life this year and always.” She glanced at her friends, then concluded, looking over at Syd in front of her chosen family. “And I am most grateful for lightning.”
Everyone looked curiously at her, except Syd, who squeezed her hand and brushed a kiss over her fingers, grateful for the place they shared alone even if it didn’t have a name.
*
Syd held the door open as Parker walked wearily into the loft. She allowed her coat to slip down her arms where Sydney caught it easily and winked at her.
“Smooth, Hyatt.” Parker laughed trying to shake off the feeling of tension from Syd.
“I do my best.” She tapped a kiss on her cheek. Syd poured a scotch and waited for Parker to join her.
She scanned through the channels replete with reruns and holiday cartoons before muting the TV and turning to her lover.
“What do you think? About us, I mean.” The words hadn’t been well planned but Sydney knew if she didn’t dive in headfirst, she might not swim at all.
Parker met her eyes and spoke carefully. “What about us, exactly? I think everything is great, don’t you?”
Syd found herself annoyed that Parker wasn’t instantly where she was. Or maybe where she wanted to be. Parker was more intuitive when it came to Sydney than anyone had ever been, so why was she playing dumb now? The conversation was actually painful.
“When Becky…hurt you, we were very explicit about how much we cared about each other, you know? And we never talked about it again. I just think we should.” Syd longed to hear the words she longed to say in return.
“You mean am I going to get all clingy and demand some ring and half your bank account? No.” Parker’s words were not only unexpected they were bordering on angry for some reason Sydney could not understand.
Parker picked at imaginary lint on her clothes.
“What just happened?” Sydney asked carefully.
“Nothing. You don’t have to worry, Syd. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable tonight.”
“Whoa. Who said I was uncomfortable? Where is this coming from?” Syd had intended to reassure Parker about the trajectory of their relationship; instead she felt that she needed reassuring now.
“Did I say something to make you angry with me? We have always been pretty open with each other before now. What did I say?” Syd watched her shift forward on the sofa.
“Look Syd, I’ve been here before. Two years ago, in fact.” Parker’s eyes seem to cloud and she spoke dismissively. She abruptly stood from the couch snatching her keys from the table and crossing into the hall without even as much as a glance in Syd’s direction.
Syd stared after her unsure what her safest tactic would be. She determined her least dangerous move would be to shelter in place; unfortunately she couldn’t let that happen. She counted to ten and followed her heart.
>
Parker stood inside her loft and stared out the window. She looked tense and miserable. Sydney walked to stand behind her and draped her arms over Parker’s shoulders.
“Want to tell me where you went and why I can’t go?” She tilted her face against Parker’s hair and waited, studying her reflection in the dark glass.
“Part of doing my job means I am practical, and a planner, and most of all risk-avoidant.” Parker stopped and Syd wondered if that was the end of the explanation.
“Okay.” Syd waited again.
“I met you and I convinced myself that I didn’t need anyone. Certainly not a gigolo who attracted women like flies to a pest strip outside a country bar. Sorry if I got too cozy.”
Hell of an analogy, Park.
“We’ve said and done a lot in a pretty short time but that doesn’t obligate you to define us or make sure that I’m still where you are,” Parker continued. “Believe me. I don’t want to find myself in the same place two years from now as I was two years ago. And if talking about this scares you off, then here’s your chance, free pass.” Parker waved her hand in the direction of the door.
“Ah.” Sydney finally garnered enough nerve to speak. “Stop me when I’m wrong, okay?”
Parker turned and stepped back to take in all of the woman she had fought not to invest in.
“About two years ago, around the holidays, you felt like something was off. Like Dayne, the womanizing and ultimately cheating spouse, was pulling away and keeping secrets. And ever since we met you’ve been waiting for me to be her.”
Parker stared scraping her teeth over her bottom lip.
“You’re pretty smart because I am her, or at least, I would have been ten years ago or even two. You didn’t scare me off, just the opposite. You scare the hell out of me because I don’t know what to do with how I feel. I told you when we first met that I am a lot of things, but I don’t make promises I don’t intend to keep, and by the same token I don’t make them lightly. I don’t have any more idea what we are than you do, but I don’t have any less either.”
