Paperback Romance

by Karin Kallmaker

  ***

  The Salzburg Mozart Festival was in full swing when Nick stepped from her plane. The air was still crisp—though not frigid, as it had been in Oslo—and she was glad for her extra padding.

  There were signs of festival everywhere in the central hotel district. After they had checked in and unpacked, Oscar had pleaded fatigue, leaving Nick biting her tongue with everything she wanted to say to him. Oscar, by his very reticence, demonstrated he knew something was amiss. How could she tell him she’d kissed Carolyn Vincense? How could she say she’d been dying a little each day until she saw Carolyn because she wanted to kiss Carolyn again? She knew she was running headlong down a path to ruin. She knew Oscar would try to talk her out of it. But when it came to Carolyn she found she had no control whatsoever. How was she going to achieve anything remotely satisfying with Carolyn? Just being friends wasn’t at all fulfilling.

  She knew Salzburg as well as the Mozart Requiem she was conducting in Dom, the Great Cathedral. Rehearsals for the Sunday performance started first thing tomorrow, and doubled up her schedule—she also had rehearsals for the Salzburg Philharmonic performance. She wouldn’t have a chance to visit old stomping grounds again.

  She listened to the Glockenspiel and her thoughts wandered. The last time she had heard the rich, clear tones she had been a woman. She clenched her hands into fists. Bloody hell, she was still a woman. She still loved her vagina and clitoris and breasts. And she loved women. In this garb, to love women should be natural and easy. Dressed as a man she could start up flirtatious conversation with any woman she saw and be thought completely natural. Dressed as a man she could be a pest, make insulting comments and send drinks to women’s tables and be thought completely natural. Dressed as a man she could look at the smorgasbord of women around her, pick one out and expect the woman to do whatever she liked, and most people would say that was completely natural. But if she changed her attire and appeared a woman and she did so much as tell another woman she thought her beautiful, most people would say it was perverted. The clothing was a lie. Underneath was truth.

  So how did she want to live? In lies or in truth? The desire for another woman’s body was a surging pulse, and the pressing urges of her libido made logical thought very difficult.

  She had Schnitzel Cordon Bleu—ham, veal, cheese, dipped in egg and fried…oh she hadn’t had it in such a long time, like something else she could think of. She lusted after all the woman she saw, returned a few smiles and nods of interest. She felt a fraud, suddenly—not the clothing, this time, but because she’d read an article on the plane that Oscar had clipped for her about a woman in America who was conducting an all-woman philharmonic, in addition to traditional orchestral assignments. Nick hoped that brave woman would some day get her due. But because Nick was living a lie, she would most likely get the big break first, even though this woman in America had been conducting for ten years, all the while resurrecting and performing works by woman composers. Nick felt herself to be a complete fraud, and she envied Joann Falletta—the woman in America—from the bottom of her heart. She had always thought her own priorities were in order, but shadows of doubt had caught up with her.

  Shadows of doubt and the full spectrum of lust—after two steins of bock she decided she couldn’t stop seeing Carolyn. In fact, the two days before Carolyn arrived seemed an eternity, but at least she would be honest about it. She wanted to see Carolyn so she could be a woman with her and God help Nick if Carolyn went running to the nearest newspaper when she found out.

  Despite a muzzy head when she went to sleep, she woke refreshed the next morning and ready for rehearsals. She hummed Mozart in honor of his birthplace. Rehearsals were at ten sharp, and she arrived early, wanting some small peace in the Cathedral before the others arrived. She wasn’t completely alone, but she sat down in the back and wondered if prayer would do her any good.

  Probably not. Prayer, here, wasn’t going to do the likes of her any good. Maybe she should make a pilgrimage to Delphi where the Goddess once enlightened the Priestesses of Apollo. Or to Lesbos. Or just inside herself.

  She wasn’t surprised when Oscar sat down next to her.

  “I have something to tell you,” she said immediately.

  “I think I can guess. You’ve been walking on air since that lecture in The Hague. I’m perfectly aware of how far The Hague is from Amsterdam.” Oscar examined the handle of his walking stick.

  “It was a wonderful day. I…have to try for more wonderful days. You may think that it’ll cost me everything I’ve worked for, but if I don’t try for some peace I’m going to lose it all anyway.”

  “I have been pretending that your life is simple, but no one should know better than I that it isn’t,” Oscar said. More performers were assembling.

  “She arrives tomorrow,” Nick said.

  Oscar nodded. Nick rose to greet the choirmaster.

  ***

  Carolyn had a long list of sights she wanted to see in Salzburg, and she methodically went about her task, checking each one off her list as if she were making an extremely organized trip to the grocery store. She would see everything she wanted, whether Nick called or not. She hoped Nick wouldn’t call. She could go on hiding from herself for just a little longer if only she didn’t have to confront Nick again. She asked herself, for the thousandth time, why Nick had kissed her. Had Nick thought she expected it? Had Carolyn in some way acted as if she wanted it? Was Nick just trying to keep her cover as a man secure?

  The Marionettentheater was performing in the square when Carolyn walked past Mirabell Palace. Carolyn sat among the children, laughing as the puppets butchered The Magic Flute. She kept one eye on the clock in the Glockenspiel. She had an appointment at the mineral spas.

  Carolyn had never been reluctant about taking her clothes off in gym class. She was modest, but not shy. It had seemed natural to admire other women. When she was twelve it had seemed natural to compare. But as she stood in the changing room for the spa, having made what could only be a leap of faith in the last week, she couldn’t stop a blush as she avoided and yet sought out the sight of the other women’s bodies. She knew why she looked. She knew why it seemed natural—it was. Her body sent confirmations to her heart—it’s natural, it’s good. Swelling hips, the satin line of thighs—Carolyn turned away, shocked by the surge of erotic energy in her body, only to find other bodies catching her gaze.

  She soaked in the steaming water, and knew that the heat inside wouldn’t entirely go away when she showered. She laughed to herself. In romantic Paris she had decided, once and for all, that she was frigid. In cool Salzburg she was burning with sexual possibilities. Either there’s a lesson there, she told herself, or it’s just plain old-fashioned irony.

  She had signed up for the all-body massage. The muscular, statuesque woman left almost no part of Carolyn untouched. Carolyn could only hope that the masseuse put Carolyn’s perspiration and high color down to the vigor of the massage, and did not attribute it to her blonde hair and Nordic figure. She recalled suddenly how flustered she had felt around Samantha and her dark beauty. How warm—yes, she was definitely entering a warm period. A highly tactile period when everything from the rough towel under her to a silk blouse sent shivers through her body. The flustered thoughts about Samantha recalled similar flustered thoughts about Alison, and then Nick of course came to mind again. She refused to hope for a message when she got back to her hotel.

  There were four messages. The last three were marked “urgent.”

  “How does a gala sound?” Nick’s voice was not its usual abrupt tone—much warmer, in fact.

  “Well, I’ve got a concert tonight…not yours, I’m afraid,” Carolyn said as naturally as she could manage. The massage had left her energized and strong.

  Nick made a disparaging noise. “Rubbish, I’m sure. Well, maybe you could just drop in and…that’ll give us a chance to compare schedules. I’d love to sight-see with you again. Why don’t I leave a ticket to the gala for
you at the door and maybe we could slip away and make plans.”

  “A gala sounds interesting,” Carolyn said finally. “Tell me where.”

  “Schloss Mirabell…do you know where that is?”

  “I walked by it this afternoon. I’d love to see the inside. I’ll be there.” Well, Carolyn told herself, if she had something to look at and explore, then seeing Nick would probably have less impact on her composure. Right.

  A gala called for her best outfit, she decided, which was a raw silk suit in black she had bought on impulse in Madrid. She belted an elegant strand of silver links that Alison had given her around the tunic, and tucked the pants into her calf-height boots. She surveyed herself critically. She hoped she looked cool and aloof. “You’re a dame who can stand it when the going gets tough,” she told her reflection. She wondered if this outfit was something a self-respecting lesbian would wear.

  Lesbian, lesbian, lesbian, she asserted as she stared at herself. Color flared in her cheeks. Get used to it, she thought. Come on. “Hi, I’m a lesbian,” she said to her reflection. The woman in the mirror looked too perky to be a lesbian. Carolyn wondered if she would look better if she got her hair frosted. She tried to picture herself as a blonde, or a redhead. Something exotic. Something that looked more like a lesbian somehow. “If you’re a lesbian, prove it,” she told the woman in the mirror.

  The woman in the mirror blushed and kept on blushing. Carolyn wondered if lesbians blushed. Nick had blushed, but Nick wasn’t—no, just because she wore men’s clothes did not mean she was a lesbian. But why had Nick kissed her—oh, it was hardly a kiss. Dwelling on it was making her crazy. “Every woman you meet is not a lesbian,” she told herself sternly. She had thought, throughout the day, she had seen literally hundreds of real, substantial, gorgeous women she was certain were all lesbians. She sighed, then realized the time and hurried away from her reflection and the telltale blush.

  The ticket Nick had promised was waiting for her, and she was given admittance to the main building of the baroque palace. With a sigh, she walked slowly up the marble Cherub’s Staircase to the main ballroom. Once there she found no signof Nick so she fought her way to the bar and returned to the valued windows of the main ballroom hall with a glass of champagne. She sipped and wrinkled her nose as the bubbles tickled. The skyline was low, but punctuated with steeples and spires silhouetted in the last of the evening light. In the reflection of the glass she gazed over the crowd and tried to pick out any woman who looked like she might also be a lesbian.

  No one stood out from the crowd. One woman was particularly lovely—slight and graceful like a dancer with pale golden hair. Couldn’t possibly be a lesbian, Carolyn decided, but nevertheless she could feel heat suffusing her face and she imagined slipping the spaghetti straps off the milky white shoulders. Stop that, she commanded herself. It’s rude. She refocused her eyes and concentrated on the skyline for a few minutes.

  At last she spotted Nick nodding politely as three older men all talked at once around her. Carolyn found it incredible that no one had guessed Nick was a woman when it was so obvious to Carolyn now. But then Nick was unusually tall for a woman, and with that height, the severe expression, long nose and very short hair, there was little to betray the truth. Her hands might have, but now that Carolyn thought about it, she’d never studied them when Nick wasn’t wearing white gloves. Carolyn stared at the jacket which concealed every hint of womanly attributes. The striped tie and stiff white shirt dropped without swelling from neck to waist. The tuxedo slacks were cut fashionably baggy so neither from the front or back did Nick’s figure look anything other than masculine. Carolyn successfully controlled a blush as she contemplated seeing Nick as nature had made her.

  Across the room Nick suddenly looked up and caught her staring. Nick gave her a guarded smile and within a few minutes headed her way. Just as Nick stepped up to her someone called Nick’s name. Carolyn and Nick both looked toward the voice. A flashbulb went off and Nick swore.

  “Bloody hell. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to happen. Maybe when we first met it would have been okay, but not now.”

  Carolyn was blinking, trying to get her eyesight back. “Who was that?”

  “Some society reporter, no doubt. Let’s hope something else is more interesting for tomorrow’s paper.”

  Carolyn let Nick guide her out to the balcony, then along the curve until they were away from the open doors and brilliant lights of the party. They were partially screened by potted trees.

  “Nick, what did you mean it would have been okay in the beginning?”

  “What?”

  “The photograph.”

  “Oh.” Nick flushed. “Oscar likes to see my picture in the paper.”

  “Or you do.” Suddenly, Carolyn understood. The dinner in Munich, the kiss, the ticket tonight—they were just blinds for the press. “You were just using me, weren’t you?” Carolyn leaned away from Nick although her body told her not to.

  “I was past that idea when we first went to dinner.”

  “I don’t…” Carolyn stiffened as Nick put her hands on her shoulders “—believe you.” The stiffness became a shudder. “Oh God, don’t touch me.”

  “Carolyn—” Nick’s voice faded away.

  Carolyn thought it was Nick who leaned closer, but as her arms found their way around Nick’s waist she wasn’t sure. She only knew that Nick’s lips were on hers, tender and soft. Carolyn moaned and pulled Nick as close as possible. She cupped Nick’s cheek, then her hand slipped to Nick’s throat, earning an answering moan from Nick.

  Why is she kissing me, Carolyn asked herself, but even as she thought it she knew the answer didn’t matter. She leaned into Nick, coiling herself in Nick’s arms, ready for more of this incredible sweetness. Her mouth invited Nick to explore. Nick kissed her deeper and harder. Carolyn, still thinking coherently in a very small part of her brain, wondered if Nick knew Carolyn was kissing her because she knew Nick was a woman.

  She arched into the circle of Nick’s arms. Nick arched in answer. Her lips answered instinctively while her brain continued to reason through the obvious: Nick knew Carolyn was a woman and that she herself was a woman. So while Nick might not know Carolyn’s reasons, she knew her own. Nick was a lesbian. She had to be to kiss another woman like this. Carolyn shuddered at the reality of a woman’s body so close and so hard against her own, hips rocking hers.

  Her hand dropped further from Nick’s throat, lower until it came to a thin layer she could feel through Nick’s shirt. Then she slipped her fingers slightly lower until she felt what should not have been there, not if Nick was a man. She left her hand there, trembling as she thought of Nick’s shirt open, the layers gone and the soft swell under her palm.

  Nick groaned, rocking Carolyn in her arms. Carolyn wanted to tell Nick she knew, but it would have meant ending that delicious, breathless kiss. She didn’t want it to end. Neither, apparently, did Nick. It deepened and went on. And on.

  Chapter Seven

  Magic Racket

  “Nick,” someone said urgently.

  Nick’s hands were at Carolyn’s back, arching her up into her arms. “Nick, stop that,” the voice said again. Nick raised her head. Carolyn felt a cool breeze blow over her damp lips.

  “Damn you,” Nick said. Carolyn realized with a daze that Oscar was standing next to them, between them and the party. More people had come out onto the balcony since they had and some were looking their way. “You have no right, Oscar.”

  “If you must do this, then the least you could do is find the back seat of a car,” Oscar said, his tone crushing.

  Carolyn blushed furiously and turned her head. “I have to go,” she said.

  “No,” Nick said. “Stay.”

  “Nick, you don’t know why—” Carolyn said. “My concert…”

  “And you don’t either.” Nick glared at Oscar then turned back to Carolyn. “Let’s leave together then.”

  “No,” Carolyn said. “You
have to stay. I just can’t bear any more flashbulbs.”

  “Don’t go,” Nick said. “Please wait, why did you kiss me?”

  “Because I wanted to, that’s why. Though lord knows why.” Carolyn’s embarrassment turned to anger. “You calculating son-of-a-bitch! You want us to be seen.”

  “Not son-of-a-bitch.”

  Oscar hissed. “Nicolas!”

  “Oh I know that,” Carolyn snapped. “But I’m not going to be your…your cover!”

  “You know…” Nick said in a dazed voice. “You know, and you still kissed me like that?”

  Carolyn stared at Nick and realized Nick was breathing hard and fast. “I said I kissed you because I wanted to,” she said defiantly. “I guessed while we were having dinner in The Hague. It…was an illuminating moment.”

  “How?”

  “When I mentioned pantyhose, you blushed.”

  “Nick, if you must have this conversation perhaps you should leave. People are coming this way,” Oscar said under his breath.

  Nick’s eyes closed for a few moments then opened again, her gaze fixing on Carolyn. “Exposed by pantyhose. My God.” Nick’s expression softened. “Please stay, and after the concert we’ll go somewhere and…talk.”

  “I won’t pose for pictures,” Carolyn said. Her body didn’t want to leave, but her pride told her that everything couldn’t be Nick’s way. “I have my own ticket…”

  “Whatever it is, it’s second rate,” Nick said with a smile more like the Nick Carolyn was used to. “Please, Carolyn…stay with me.” Oscar exhaled in a hiss of disapproval and stalked way.

  The world faded to Nick’s lips again. With the memory of their softness flooding her body, Carolyn said yes, she would stay.

  The rest of the evening was a painful and unreal blur. She sat in Nick’s box but her mind was not caught by the Rachmaninoff, not this time. She gave up trying to absorb the music and studied Nick’s rigid back instead.