Independent Jenny

by Sarah Louise Smith

  I repeated all this to Shane in the thirty seconds he could spare me before the lunchtime rush.

  “Look, firstly your head is all over the place. You’re bound to feel mixed up and fancy the first guy you see, especially one who’s being nice to you. Just take a breath, get some perspective, and stop being so intense.”

  “I guess so,” I said, taking a deep breath as instructed.

  “Secondly, if things don’t work out with you and Ross then Aiden’s bound to be interested in you. He’s always liked you. I’ve noticed the way he looks at you before.”

  “Why didn’t I notice?”

  “Too busy being in love with Ross, perhaps.”

  My head was spinning.

  “Look, Aiden’s your friend, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “You need all the friends you can get. So be friends and don’t do anything stupid.”

  I nodded my head and watched him head back to the counter. I picked a table by the window and watched Aiden appear at the end of the street and walk towards us. He looked nervous, which bought back the panic.

  Easy for Shane to say all that, but how could I just not fancy someone? I hadn’t had this new, fresh feeling about someone for so long and I liked the rush.

  As Aiden entered the coffee shop, he smiled and sat opposite me. We made small talk about our mornings and the menu. I advised him to try the grilled turkey and avocado wrap – advice he took – and after we’d placed our order, he looked at me seriously and said:

  “Look, I know Ross is my brother but you’re my sister and my friend, so whatever you want to say to me is in complete confidence. Okay? But no pressure to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

  “Thanks, Aiden, that’s really nice of you.”

  I took a deep breath and felt calmer. This was fine. Normal, friendly convo. He was like a brother to me, for goodness’ sake. No silly crushing going on here.

  “So, how are you doing?”

  “I’m getting by. I think I was in shock for the first day or so, now I’m just trying to get my head around the whole thing.”

  “What’re you going to do? Do you know?”

  “I have no idea,” I confessed. Maybe I should divorce your brother and marry you? I added silently.

  “I know he’s my brother, but you deserve better.”

  Did he mean he would be better? Because I had no doubt at that moment that he would.

  “I don’t know … I don’t know how I feel about him, or anything right now to be honest.”

  Aiden nodded. Was it me, or did he seem nervous? He was playing with a packet of sugar.

  “Well, whatever you do, I hope you and I will always be friends.”

  I reached out and put my hand on his to stop it from jittering the sugar.

  “Always, Aiden.”

  He looked at me and our eyes locked. Again. We just looked at each other for a moment and then the waitress came and Aiden pulled his hand away abruptly.

  “This looks nice,” I said, smiling brightly as if nothing was going on.

  “Jenny, I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry for what?” I said brightly, taking a bite of my sandwich.

  “Are you going to pretend this isn’t happening?”

  I gulped and put my sandwich down.

  “I’m so confused, Aiden.”

  “I know.”

  “I don’t know where all this has come from,” I said, gesturing between us then wondering for a horrified moment if we were on the same page. But, to my relief, he nodded. We looked at each other and I really, really wanted him to kiss me. Then I thought of Ross and shuddered.

  I glanced over towards Shane behind the counter, wondering if he was watching us, but he was too busy serving customers. I looked back at Aiden, and he smiled at me.

  I smiled back.

  “Eat your lunch,” he said, picking up his own. We ate in silence for a while, looking at each other, I could feel my face blushing, my heart racing. It was like we were in our own little bubble and I didn’t want it to burst.

  “You’re right, that was delicious.”

  “Told you so.”

  I finished my final mouthful and smiled at him.

  “You okay?”

  “Yes. Confused. But okay.” I felt myself blush again.

  “You’re just confused because you know the way I feel about you and you’re comparing me to Ross, which is natural because he’s hurt you and you’re looking for something, or someone to hold on to, to make you feel good maybe. I shouldn’t have asked you to meet me, I’ve just made it worse and I’m sorry.”

  What did he just say?

  “Whoa! Slow down. What? I don’t know the way you feel about me.”

  He looked away and now it was his face’s turn to go red.

  “Aiden? How do you feel?”

  “Well, now I’ve definitely made it worse.”

  “Aiden. Please explain,” I said gently after another moment’s awkward silence.

  He looked back at me and I realised it. All these years, all the times we’d spent together, he’d had a thing for me. He hadn’t started looking at me this way recently, he’d always looked at me this way just like Shane said. I’d just ignored it or not thought about it because I was with Ross and I hadn’t given Aiden a second thought.

  “You need to sort out things with Ross. Make a decision. Then I’ll explain.”

  “What if I need you to explain now?”

  He looked down at our empty plates and then glanced at his watch.

  “Don’t you have to get back to work?”

  “I don’t care about that right now.”

  “Do you want to get out of here?”

  “Yes.”

  He called the waitress over and paid for our food. I’d never felt so uncomfortable in his presence, and yet so happy to be around him. What was happening to me? Why hadn’t I noticed this before? Why had I married that lying, cheating rat?

  “Let me just say goodbye to Shane.”

  Chapter Nine

  Aiden hovered by the door as I went and got Shane’s attention.

  “We’re just going for a walk,” I told him.

  “Not doing anything silly, are we? I saw the way you two are looking at each other and it makes me warm and gooey inside. That’s usually a good thing, but isn’t it a bit soon?”

  “Warm and gooey? Really?” I said, smiling.

  “Just be careful.”

  I nodded and went to join Aiden who was waiting on the street outside. We walked up the hill towards the park in silence. After a while Aiden gestured to an empty wooden bench and we sat at either end. I crossed my legs and turned towards him.

  “So…?” I asked. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to know, really.

  “Okay, well there’s obviously a bit of chemistry between us, but—”

  “You noticed that too?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did Ross notice?” Why did I care what he thought? Aiden’s shoulders dropped.

  “I don’t think so.”

  I shrugged.

  “Are you just trying to make him jealous?” Aiden asked.

  “No!” I was horrified. “The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind!”

  “Okay. Well, I would never have said anything about any of this if Ross hadn’t cheated on you. I’m so angry with him.”

  “Were you there?” I interrupted, wondering if Aiden had seen her.

  A look of sadness crossed Aiden’s face. He looked down and didn’t say anything.

  “Aiden?”

  His eyes flashed back to mine.

  “I watched in utter dismay as I saw him lean in and kiss her. I went over and asked him what he was doing, he shouted something about minding my own business, and then they left. I was so angry. I tried to follow him but it was crowded and when I got out into the street, they were gone.”

  Huh. Somehow, the ignorant fog I’d been in for the past ten days was lifted, and there for me to imagine it, was Ross in th
e bar, picking up the woman he’d ruin our marriage for.

  “What did she look like?”

  Aiden sighed. “I didn’t really look at her much, but she was dressed like she wanted it. She was an easy target.”

  I pictured the scene. I would never be able to trust him again. Ever. He leaned in and kissed her, while his brother watched. I wasn’t worth a consideration because all he wanted was to get laid by some tart. My eyes filled with tears.

  “Oh Jenny, I’m so sorry,” Aiden moved closer and put his arms around me. He wasn’t the man I was developing feelings for right then, but my friend again. He held me while I got myself together. After a few minutes, I took a deep breath and sat up.

  “Why did he tell me, do you think?”

  “I told him he had to tell you, or I would.”

  I took a deep breath. So if Aiden hadn’t seen him, I’d never have known. How many other times had there been when he’d got away with it?

  “I don’t know what I did to deserve this,” I said, letting a few more tears escape. “I guess I’m not attractive enough, or sexy enough, or something.”

  “You haven’t done anything, Jenny. You’re a wonderful person. So kind and sweet and incredibly sexy. You’re absolutely beautiful.”

  I looked up at him. His arm was still around me and we were so close. I held my breath and I wanted him to kiss me: to make me feel good about myself, to make myself feel better. I wanted to feel loved and safe and warm again. I leaned towards him but he moved away.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, embarrassed.

  “Don’t be. Listen, you need to get your head straight. I might be appealing to you right now because I’m here being the nice one when he’s been the horrible one, but it’s not fair to either of us, or even him, to do this while you’re upset and confused.”

  I nodded. Why did he have to be such a decent guy?

  “When did you first, you know, feel something between us?”

  “Last night,” I confessed.

  He sighed. “That’s what I thought.”

  “But today, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. It’s like I’ve been completely oblivious, until now…”

  His face was fixed and emotionless. It was hard to know what he was thinking.

  “Look, Jenny … what I was trying to tell you before was that I’m in love with you.”

  His face changed as he said it, moving from stone-cold to warm and smiley. The shock of his words made me catch my breath. I wasn’t expecting that.

  “I always have been. And I would love nothing more than to make you feel good right now but I can’t go down that path. You’re married to my brother and you have a mild crush on me at best. You need to take some time and figure out what you want, and maybe if things don’t work out with you and Ross we could, I don’t know, go on a date or something, but until then, I think I should leave you alone.”

  What a speech. How could I respond to that?

  “I don’t know what to say. I do have feelings for you, Aiden.”

  “That’s amazing to hear but you’re hurt and confused so you can’t know how you feel about me really. Come on, I’ll walk you back to your office.”

  We got up and I linked my arm with his.

  “You’re a decent guy, Aiden.”

  “Yes, I am. And if any other decent guy offered you kindness right now, you’d get a crush on him, too.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Promise me something?”

  “What?”

  We stopped walking and turned to face each other. I willed him to kiss me.

  “You don’t make any rash decisions. Think about what you want. Think about Ross first and whether you want him.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Think about it. Please?”

  “Okay.”

  We carried on walking.

  “Maybe you ought to get some space, get away for a few days or something.”

  “Actually, Ross and I have next week booked out. We were going to get a cheap last minute holiday to Tenerife or somewhere like that, but my friend Hayley said she’d escape somewhere with me if I still wanted to get away.”

  “Well, you should go. Get some distance. Decide what you want.”

  “Maybe.” The idea was kind of appealing.

  We kept walking. I didn’t know what to say to him. He kept taking deep breaths and I wondered why. Was he nervous? Did he regret saying what he’d said?

  “How long?” I asked, almost whispering.

  “What?”

  “How long have you felt this way about me?”

  He smiled, sadly.

  “Always. Since I met you.”

  “You never said anything. You could have told me before I got married.”

  “Would you have ditched him and been with me?”

  Probably not. But I just shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “Anyway, he’s my brother. Back then, I could never do that to him.”

  “But you would now?”

  “Now, he’s different. He’s treated you badly. I don’t like to see you hurt. But I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t, well you … you just look at me differently…”

  I nodded and sighed. He smiled and squeezed my arm. We’d reached my studio.

  “Thank you for everything Aiden.”

  “Listen, if you decide to get back with him, then so be it. Don’t let me or how I feel about you influence your decision. You’ve got to make that choice independent of me.”

  “I know.”

  “But … well … just in case I never get to talk to you like this again…”

  He hesitated, and then he was kissing me. His arms were around my back and my hands were in his hair. I felt myself melt into his arms as I enjoyed the feeling of being wanted and loved, without the pain of the last week. The world faded into the distance and my legs turned to jelly.

  Almost as suddenly as he’d kissed me, he was walking away without a backwards glance, leaving me dizzy and lightheaded, even more confused and unsure about what I wanted.

  Chapter Ten

  I watched Aiden until he was out of sight and then walked back to Shane’s cafe as fast as I could, enjoying the rush of love hormones whizzing around my body. Somehow, all the hurt and rejection had been replaced by the delightful feeling of being wanted. Aiden loved me, and he’d always loved me. And, wow, was he a good kisser.

  Shane was wiping down tables. “Can I talk to you upstairs?” I called to him, hoping he could sense the drama by my swift stride.

  “Give me a minute, I’ll meet you up there,” he said, giving me a stern look.

  I went up and sat on his plump red sofa. I really should have been looking through my photos of Tina and Rich’s wedding from Saturday. Or was it Rick? I didn’t really care.

  Aiden kissed me. Oh my goodness. And it was so good! A kiss from a man who loved me and wouldn’t ever hurt me, like the one I was married to.

  “Go on, spill all the details for me then,” Shane said as he sat down beside me.

  “He kissed me.”

  “What?” Shane usually loved a bit of gossip but he looked more concerned than happy.

  “It was amazing.”

  “Oh Jenny. What a mess.”

  “How so? It was amazing.”

  “So you’re just going to divorce Ross and be with his brother? I’m sure Ross, his parents, everyone will be delighted.”

  “Okay, maybe it is a bit messy.”

  “Just a tad.”

  “What am I going to do?”

  “Look at you, all these lustful hormones rushing around everywhere.”

  I laughed.

  “He just makes me feel—”

  “I know.” Shane interrupted. “He makes you feel warm and fuzzy and wanted.”

  “Yes.”

  He ran his fingers through his beard and gently pulled on a few hairs, a habit he’d picked up fairly recently. I found it distracting and wondered what it felt like. Was it satisfying
? Did it help him to focus?

  “But you really need to sort things out with Ross first.”

  “I like the way you rub your beard.”

  He stopped. “Jenny. Focus. Ross. Your husband. You need to figure out if you still love him enough to make this work before you think about someone else.”

  I sighed. I was getting pretty good at that.

  “I know I do.”

  “Do you still love Ross?”

  “I don’t know. He’s broken our relationship. I can’t love him knowing what he’s done.”

  “Then tell him. Tell him it’s over. Take a break, then think about Aiden.”

  I thought about it for a second.

  “I don’t feel ready to end things with Ross though.”

  “Why? He cheated on you. You just said you can’t love him.”

  “I’m falling out of love with him. But maybe I’m not quite there yet.”

  “Well, you had a lot of happy times together.”

  “Yes. I suppose we did. But you know what? I’ve spent more time with you lately than him.”

  “Why do you think that is?”

  “I don’t know. I guess we have drifted apart. I’m not sure we have that much in common. I’ve been wondering why I ever thought we were right together.”

  “Well, he entered your life at the right moment and he was pretty romantic and kind if I remember rightly. You seemed happy, back then. Maybe you’ve just grown apart.”

  “Maybe we both stopped making the effort. Relationships take work, maybe we both stopping working at it and just became … complacent?”

  “Well, it was no excuse to cheat. But maybe this is an opportunity for you to find yourself again. Think about what you want next and what would make you happy.”

  “I’ve no idea how to do that.”

  “Maybe you should take that trip with Hayley. Get some time away to think. Maybe a week in the sun will help you figure out what you want.”

  “That is kind of appealing.”

  “Then do it.”

  He gave me a quick hug and went back to work. I walked back to my studio but I couldn’t concentrate on the photos, so after a while I went home and spent the rest of the afternoon with my earphones in, moving from room to room in a bubble of pop music, tidying and cleaning the house. I collected a load of clutter I no longer wanted in a bag by the front door, ready for a charity shop. I scrubbed inside the kitchen cupboards. I dusted and vacuumed every room. I put all the photo frames containing the faces of Ross and I together in the spare room, face down in an empty drawer. There was a frame in the hall with all of our siblings in it at our wedding. Every time I passed it, I hovered and looked at Aiden’s smiling face.