Independent Jenny

by Sarah Louise Smith

  There was a cassette tape with hearts drawn on it in red felt tip.

  “What’s this?”

  “Ah, that is what Guy sent me from Skye a month or so after he left. I played it so many times it’s worn down.”

  I remembered she made him one too. We spent hours discussing the songs she’d add.

  “And here we are.”

  Hayley pushed a photo towards me of two young teenagers in love, their faces so familiar to me. They really were crazy for each other back then. No wonder she’d never quite got over her first love when they’d not even broken up face to face. I looked through a handful of other photos, including one of me with Guy’s brother, Will. We’d had a bit of a thing back then too. I hadn’t thought of him for years.

  “Will was cute, huh?” said Hayley, looking over my shoulder.

  “Yes, but we were never as serious as you and Guy.”

  “Guy and I even talked about getting married when we were older.”

  “Why did you lose touch, do you think?”

  “I guess our emails just got shorter and shorter. He wasn’t much of a typist anyway and the internet was so slow back then. Took forever to dial up, do you remember?”

  “Yeah, and I remember you moaning about it, too. So you’ve been thinking about him over the years, and you’ve never said?”

  “On and off, yes. I know you think this is a bit crazy, but I’m really not trying to hurt Kieran, and I do love him. I just want to see Guy, say hello, and I’m sure I’ll realise as soon as I do that this is all stupid. It’s just something I have to do.”

  “I know.”

  I didn’t really understand, but I was happy to go along with her own drama and push mine to the back of my head for a while. I couldn’t wait to see the mountains, breathe some fresh air, and somehow sort my head out. I was pretty sure I couldn’t return any more confused than I was now, anyhow.

  Finally, we agreed to go to bed. She hugged me at the door to the spare room.

  “See you bright and early. Five am, right?”

  “Right.”

  We said our goodnights and once under my duvet I texted Aiden.

  Going to the Isle of Skye tomorrow. Don’t tell Ross, I don’t want him to follow me up there. I’m pretty sure it’s over between us. Not sure what my next move is, but thinking about you a lot x

  I waited for what felt like ages, but was only a few minutes, for his reply.

  That’s great, would love to go there walking myself someday. Have a lovely time. I’m thinking about you too but there’s no pressure. Clear your head and we’ll talk when you’re back… Have a really nice time xx

  I read it a few times and then compared it with the text Ross had sent me earlier that day.

  I hope you have a nice time and miss me and come back to me, I can’t live without you so you need to find a way to forgive me. Don’t throw our love away Babe xx

  How come Ross was all about himself and Aiden was all about me?

  I closed my eyes to think about Aiden: about his strong arms, kind looks, sweet words. and that wonderful kiss … and for the first time since Ross had told me about his infidelity, I fell asleep straight away.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The sleep didn’t last long. I was awake again at 1am. I lay in bed thinking about the photos Hayley had bought over. It seemed so long ago, and yet I could remember so much: the irrational thoughts; the mood swings; the horrible teachers and the nicer ones; the friends and enemies we had.

  As teenagers, Hayley and I had a pretty different approach to life.

  We were fourteen when she first told me she fancied Guy, and she soon set about ways to make sure something would happen between them. One Saturday morning, I was sitting peacefully in my mother’s dining room trying to get my head around some particularly boring homework when Hayley knocked on my door and absolutely insisted I came with her to the cinema. I told her I needed to get my work done but she said I’d have the whole weekend to get it done. She pleaded until I agreed and soon we were on the bus.

  “I’m starving,” Hayley told me as we got closer to the centre of town. She was always hungry, but I knew better than to mention this.

  “We could share some popcorn,” I suggested.

  “And some chocolate!”

  It was only when we were in the queue for food that I realised why she’d been so desperate to come; Guy and a few of his friends were hanging around in the lobby. He caught my eye and nodded, then came over.

  “Hello ladies.”

  I felt myself blush and looked at Hayley, who was grinning from ear to ear.

  “Hey, what film are you seeing?” Hayley asked him.

  What a coincidence, we were seeing the same film. I threw her a knowing look to let her realise she’d been rumbled; she’d obviously known they were coming and that’s why she was so desperate to make me go with her that morning. She ignored me and we spent the rest of the day with Guy and his friends; Hayley flirting and touching Guy at every opportunity, me feeling shy and embarrassed whenever one of his friends spoke to me.

  Hayley was always coming up with plans for adventures. She organised trips to theme parks or London; one time she even convinced a teacher to help her organise a weekend in Paris. I was always by her side, ready to assist, while at the same time trying to keep my head down and get through school as quickly and quietly as possible.

  We had different opinions on nearly everything. We liked different music, different films, different TV shows. I liked to sit at home on a Friday night and read a book. Hayley liked to go out with Guy and smoke weed in the underpass between her house and his, then snog his face off until the sun came up. I liked boys a lot, but I wasn’t confident enough to get a boyfriend. If a cute boy so much as smiled at me, my face flushed red as a tomato and he was sure to pass me by before I had a chance to speak. But it didn’t bother me. I’d seen enough of my mother’s failed relationships and was never desperate for love.

  I did, however lose my virginity at Hayley’s sixteenth birthday party. Her parents were pretty liberal and very trusting, so they’d gone to stay at a hotel for the night. She invited a bunch of friends over and we drank cider, ate pizza and talked about what we’d do when we left school. We were always talking about the future, wishing our lives away.

  Guy was there, of course, and he bought a bunch of his friends, including his older brother, Will. They looked nothing alike. Guy had wild scruffy hair that came down past his jaw, and wore faded jeans and band t-shirts, while Will was more clean-cut and dorky. Way cuter, too, in my opinion.

  It was past one in the morning when I went out to sit on the swing in Hayley’s garden. Most of my friends were canoodling with most of Guy’s friends and I’d just been sitting in the corner, feeling awkward, so I went outside to get some air. The cider had gone to my head and I felt a bit queasy. Until Will came and sat next to me.

  We’d always known each other, in an ‘acknowledge one another in the hall’ sort of way, and we’d had a few conversations now and then, but I’d never really thought of him much until he leant against the swing post and smiled. He looked nervous, which somehow made him even cuter.

  “Hi Jenny,” he said.

  “Hi Will.”

  “A bit much in there, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, not my scene really.”

  “Me neither. I only came to get out of spending the evening with my parents and their friends.”

  I laughed. “Me too.”

  “Don’t you want to be here? I thought Hayley was your best friend?”

  “Yeah, but she’s much more outgoing than me.”

  “I know.”

  I looked up at him and he smiled at me, causing my pulse to quicken just a little. A breeze blew through the garden and I shivered.

  “Cold?”

  “A bit,” I admitted, although I made no move to go inside the house.

  “Come over here,” he said, getting up and walking to a wooden bench. I went and sat next to
him and he wrapped himself around me and rubbed my arms.

  “Better?”

  “Yes, thank you,” I just about managed to utter.

  I turned to look at him, just about making out the lust in his eyes in the darkness and then he leaned in and kissed me. From nowhere, I somehow found the confidence I’d never had before and led him to Hayley’s parents’ spare bedroom. We fumbled around a bit, and then our clothes were off and we were having sex. Just as I was starting to think I understood what the big deal was, it was over.

  We were boyfriend and girlfriend for a year after that. I was quite impressed with myself, having a boyfriend who was in the year above us at school. We didn’t declare our love over and over like Hayley and Guy, in fact we never even said ‘I love you’ at all. There was plenty of chemistry, and we fooled around a lot, but sometimes I felt we were very close friends who enjoyed being naked together rather than we were soul mates. We spent most of our time together talking, sometimes about superficial stuff but mostly trying to decide what the meaning of life was and what the future held. The heavy stuff that teenagers contemplate seemed lighter when I was with Will, who was much more mature than any of the other boys I knew.

  We’d been together for almost a year when he told me he’d been accepted at the University of Edinburgh. He hinted that we’d see each other when he came back for breaks, but then his parents announced they were moving to the Isle of Skye to take up a farming opportunity, so the chances of him coming south were slim.

  “So, I guess we’ll just be friends then yeah?” I said, when he told me. His face was blank and for the first time since that night in Hayley’s garden, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

  “I guess so. I mean, it’s a long way.”

  I hesitated, thinking about whether I wanted this to end or not. I wasn’t sure I liked the idea of hours of waiting for him to call, or write, or visit.

  “Yes, and you know what they say about long distance relationships…”

  He nodded. “Let’s keep in touch though, yeah?”

  “Of course. You’re one of my best friends.”

  “You are my very best,” he said, smiling his cute smile and pulling me in for a hug.

  Hayley and Guy didn’t take the news about Skye so well. There were tears, screams, shouts. Hayley tried to convince him to stay and suggested they both drop out of school and find a place together, but he said he wasn’t going to make her give up her life for him. So they promised to email every single day and agreed they’d go to the same university. It was only a year or so to wait until they were together again.

  I tried to tell Hayley she couldn’t plan her education and pick her university based solely on a boy, but she was having none of it. She’d always acted with her heart, always on impulse and with passion.

  The day before they left, Will and I went out for dinner at Pizza Hut. He was quiet and distant and I asked him why.

  “I guess I’m just a bit overwhelmed about moving,” he confessed.

  “It’s a long way, I guess.”

  “And very different, even when I go visit the folks. Mum and Dad are so excited about it, but Guy’s so miserable and moaning all the time about missing his mates and Hayley and only having sheep for neighbours.”

  “And you?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I’ll be away at university most of the time, and I don’t mind going home somewhere remote and quiet in the holidays. It looks pretty.”

  “I’ll miss you. We should write to each other,” I said, wondering if we would. I liked him a lot but he wasn’t the love of my life. I’d seen my mother have enough of those to know that.

  “I’ll miss you too. We’ll definitely keep in touch.”

  We had a reasonably nice goodbye, a long hug and a quick kiss. I felt sad, but not heartbroken. Unlike Hayley.

  She and Guy sent each other soppy emails, and she would moan about the internet dial-up, and how slow it all was. Sometimes she showed me their messages. They were pretty much just moaning about how much they missed each other, to start with. But gradually, the emails became shorter. And less regular. Then it just fizzled out and one day he didn’t reply to her email. And she didn’t seem that bothered, at the time. She fancied some guy she met while working at the cinema and that was that. Or so I thought.

  We drifted apart for a while after we finished school. I was in Bath, Hayley was in Manchester. We occasionally emailed each other but I didn’t see her for a few years.

  Then, just before I got married, she called me and said she was living in Bath too. Our friendship was renewed and we got on better than ever before, despite our still obvious differences; even to look at us it was apparent. Hayley was always in her designer clothes; Prada suits and Jimmy Choo (who?) shoes. Me in my supermarket-bought tops and Converse All-Stars. She wore make-up every day, I saved it for special occasions.

  Yet, we got on. We clicked. We could make each other laugh and we both shared a love of good food, good wine, and chocolate cake. What more do you need from your best girlfriend?

  Occasionally, we’d talk about the old days, about our school friends, about the brothers who’d moved to the Isle of Skye. About the funny things we’d done and thought and said back then. She never gave me any indication that she was still thinking about Guy in any way other than as a fond memory. I’d never have guessed she was still thinking about him like that.

  Hayley met Kieran in a pub not far from the Travelodge in Bath. Come to think of it, maybe it was the same pub that Ross had met his latest conquest … Anyway, they had a drunken kiss and that was that. They dated each other for a year, moved in together, and got engaged just before Ross dropped his bombshell and we split up.

  We were split up, right? Separated? I wasn’t sure. It still kind of felt surreal to think of myself as a single woman, no longer married. An almost-divorcee. I tried to picture myself living alone and the thought made me feel physically sick. Anyway, I wasn’t going to think about Ross and that situation right now. I’d far rather concentrate on someone else’s problems. Like my crazy friend in the spare room.

  So, when I thought about it … Hayley loved Kieran. I knew that. He was adorable; so romantic and sweet to her. Worshipped the ground she walked on. Ran around after her. Put up with her fickleness and whims. He was handsome, smart, and always the perfect gentleman. She’d even told me that he picked up after himself and never left his socks on the floor, like Ross did. She didn’t know how lucky she had it, and I made a mental note to tell her that on our journey to Skye in the morning.

  I wondered if she’d find Guy there or not. It seemed unlikely but I had a nagging feeling as I lay in bed, that maybe this trip was actually a very, very bad idea. What if Guy was single, as attractive to Hayley as ever, and wanted to start up again? Wouldn’t that just confuse Hayley? Wouldn’t she end up hurt? Mind you, the chances were, he’d moved on by now. We’d probably just find his parents and they’d tell her he was married with four kids and she’d get over it. I hoped so, anyway.

  What if Will was there? That’d be weird. Although I liked the idea of finding out what he was up to these days. I imagined him married with children. He’d wanted to be a vet and I pictured him visiting his father’s farm, walking around in wellington boots and caring for any sick livestock.

  I looked at the clock. This time tomorrow I’d be in Skye and Ross would be here in this bed, which felt strange. Wentworth shuffled around and I cuddled up next to him, stroking his tummy.

  I closed my eyes and thought about Ross’ actions and felt the sadness that’d been floating around me turn into anger again. I found my mobile and I called him.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I wasn’t sure if he’d be awake but he answered with a sleepy “Hello?” after a couple of seconds.

  “How many times have you cheated on me?”

  I was wide awake now, sitting upright in bed, in the dark. Hot blood was rushing around my body as I let the anger build up.

  “Wh
at?”

  “How many times Ross?”

  “Babe, it was just a couple of times, honestly.”

  “How can I believe that?” My voice was loud. Even Wentworth, asleep next to me, lifted his head.

  “I love you so much, Jenny. Please listen to me. I love you. Those girls mean nothing. Come on, you have to calm down. Shall I come over?”

  Did I want him to come over? A part of me did, I had to admit. Just for a few seconds. His voice made me picture his face and I wanted him here, in bed with me, where he belonged. Then I remembered the girls and found my resolve again.

  “No! Don’t come over. I’ll be leaving soon for my holiday.”

  I hung up, turned my phone off, and lay back down.

  And then there was Aiden. We’d become good friends over the past few years, spending time together as a foursome whenever he had a girlfriend, or just the three of us during the periods he was single. We went through a phase where we met up regularly and went swimming together. Ross wasn’t a strong swimmer, so I’d go with Aiden and we’d swim up and down and have a chat between sets of lengths. We also met up for lunch quite regularly as Aiden’s office wasn’t far from mine.

  Aiden had always been nice to me. I’d done a wedding once where someone had died, right there in front of me. It was the bride’s grandfather and it was awful. I was just taking some shots of him with the bride when he just collapsed, gasping for breath in front of me. Everyone ran to help, an ambulance was called, but he was dead before they arrived. The whole wedding party was in tears. It was devastating to watch.

  I returned home, earlier than I’d expected, and Ross and Aiden were in the living room watching a film. They paused it when I came in and I told them what’d happened.

  “He just died, just like that, while I was photographing him,” I told them, getting tearful.