Independent Jenny

by Sarah Louise Smith

  “I named the sat nav,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.

  “That’s rather cute,” he said, smiling. Then he looked away quickly and shifted from foot to foot. He looked about as comfortable as I felt.

  “I hate this,” I said, taking a deep breath to stop myself from getting tearful.

  “Saying goodbye? Me too. I’ve had such a great time with you.”

  “Well yes, but I mean this awkwardness.” I moved my hand back and forth in the space between us. “We were fine before, all easy going and relaxed, and now we both feel weird.”

  “Yeah, I know.” He sighed. “Next time we see each other, the kiss will be a distant memory and we’ll just be like friends again, right?”

  That’s not what I wanted and I was pretty sure he knew it. I didn’t have any idea that we’d see each other again anyway, and I certainly couldn’t forget the kiss as easily as he was obviously going to.

  “Right,” I said, taking another deep breath. “Yes, so … keep in touch.”

  “I will. Be careful driving back. Take regular breaks and text me when you arrive.”

  I gave him a hard but brief hug and got into the car quickly. He stood outside the cottage and waved me off as I drove down the track. Leaving him was a lot harder this time than it had been ten years ago, not only emotionally but physically, seeing as I was driving down a country lane crying my eyes out. I should really have stopped but I knew he wouldn’t be far behind me and I didn’t want him to see me like this.

  Wentworth let out a big sigh in the back.

  “I know, I know, I miss them already too,” I told him.

  Once I’d taken a road in the opposite direction to the farm, I pulled over and dabbed a tissue on my eyes. I had a long way to go, and it’d take me forever if I didn’t pull myself together. I took a swig of water and set off again, feeling calmer albeit just as sad.

  The journey back seemed to take forever. I took regular breaks, stopping a few times at service stations to eat, stretch my legs, and wonder what Will was doing now. Wentworth was his usual laid-back self and slept most of the way.

  As I passed mile after mile of motorway, I thought long and hard about how I’d tell Ross that it was over. I couldn’t afford the mortgage on our house so I was going to have to find somewhere to live and I had no idea what I could afford. I hoped I could manage to rent a flat or small house for me and Wentworth. I even wondered if Kieran would rent me a room for a couple of months, since I knew he might struggle with his bills with Hayley gone. Poor Kieran. How was I going to face him when I got back?

  And then there was Aiden. Ross and I were over, so was it Aiden’s turn now? I was curious but uneasy about the whole thing and every time I tried to think about being back at home, maybe going on a date with Aiden, my mind would drift back to Will and replay our time together.

  Finally, twelve hours after leaving Will, I pulled up outside home. It felt like a long time since I’d been there. Wentworth ran happily to the front door, wagging his tail, and I let us in. Ross wasn’t there, which was good. I was glad he’d honoured my wishes and relieved to have the house to myself, although there were traces of him everywhere; dirty cups, socks on the landing, the bathroom was dirty and the bed was unmade. I sighed as I walked around, annoyed he’d not bothered and sad this wouldn’t be my home for much longer. I put my clothes in the wash, got clean sheets out, and climbed into bed with a cup of tea.

  I opened up my laptop and found a bunch of emails, mostly from potential clients making enquiries for next year. But also one from Will, sent only this morning, not long after I’d left.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  I didn’t open Will’s email immediately, wondering if how I would feel if he was telling me he wanted to be with me. Then I scolded myself for having such high hopes and silly thoughts and clicked on it, to see what he had to say.

  Hi Jenny,

  I’m sorry how things were left between us. I know it was awkward after the fun we had this week, and it should have ended with fun too. I hope we can be friends like we talked about. I really enjoyed your company and talking with you over the past few days.

  Hayley and Guy have been off working the farm this morning and seem very loved up. I’m happy for them but I do feel bad for this guy she was engaged to. Anyway, I hope you had a good journey back and that we can keep in touch. I’m sorry, again.

  Love,

  Will.

  I replied to say I was home safe, that I was sorry too and yes, we’d definitely keep in touch. I was tempted to add a ‘let me know how it goes with Mandy’ but refrained. I did add:

  PS: Wentworth is missing Fern. He enjoyed his holiday romance!

  Then I called Aiden.

  “Hi Jenny.”

  He sounded on edge.

  “Hi, how are you?”

  “I’m good, how’re you? How was Skye?”

  “I’m tired but fine. Skye was wonderful. Really beautiful place.”

  “Good, I’m glad you had a nice time.”

  “Are you with Ross?”

  “No, I’m at home, not sure where he is, I haven’t seen him since you’ve been gone.”

  “Okay, well, can I see you tomorrow?”

  “Yes, definitely. I’d like that.”

  “Okay, I’ll text you, and we can arrange something.”

  I had no idea what I’d say to Aiden, or what I wanted from him any more than I did before I went away. But I liked hearing his voice.

  Next, I called Ross, feeling nervous.

  “Hi babe, are you back?”

  “Yes, where are you?”

  “I’m just at The Fox around the corner, see you in a minute.”

  “No, I’m really tired. I’m going to sleep. How about you sleep in the spare room and we’ll talk in the morning?”

  “Oh, okay,” he sounded disappointed. “I really wanted to see you tonight.”

  “I’ve had a long drive, on my own. Hayley didn’t come back.”

  “Why?”

  “Can we talk tomorrow?”

  “Sure. Okay, see you in the morning.”

  I somehow managed to get to sleep despite the nerves fluttering around in my chest. Was I really about to end my marriage, and go it alone?

  The next morning I woke early and felt sick with nerves, waiting for him to wake up. I wasn’t sure how he was going to take the news and I wanted to sort out all the practical things as soon as I could. I heard him get up and come down the stairs and Wentworth ran to greet him.

  “Hi Wenty, oh I missed you and your mum so much,” I heard him saying in the hall. The sound of his voice sounded so familiar and I started feeling anxious about what I was about to say.

  He came into the living room and smiled at me and for a split second I considered telling him I’d try and make it work. He wasn’t the guy who cheated, or the guy who left his socks around the house. He was Ross. The man I’d met and married and loved, once. I’d forgotten how attractive I found him. Up until recently, our life had been okay. Surely it’d be easier to stay together than split everything, find a new home, and start to date again. Suddenly I understood Will’s reluctance to end his marriage.

  The thought of Will made me realise that I must end it. How could I settle for ‘okay’ when I knew how amazing it could be when you were with someone you connected with so well?

  Ross sat down opposite me and smiled. I smiled back.

  “It’s over, isn’t it? I can tell by the look on your face,” he said sadly, his eyes filling up with tears.

  “Yes. I’m sorry.”

  “You can’t forgive me?”

  “Maybe I could, but really Ross, we’ve grown apart. Surely you realise that?”

  “I know things haven’t been that great, but we can get that back.”

  “I think it’s too late.”

  “Right. So I have no say in this?”

  “I had no say in you cheating on me.”

  “I’ll regret that as long as I live.”


  “No regrets, Ross. We had a great few years together, but this whole thing has woken me up to the fact that we’ve grown apart.”

  He nodded and bit his lip. I went and sat beside him and we hugged for a few minutes. He had a few tears and I felt sorry for him. “We can be friends,” I said quietly.

  “That’d be nice,” he said, taking a deep breath.

  “You can stay in the house, if you want,” I said after he’d calmed down. “I can’t afford to live here alone.”

  “Where would you go?”

  “I don’t know, maybe I’ll stay with Shane for a week or two and then find somewhere to rent.”

  “What about Wentworth?”

  “He’ll be coming with me.”

  “He’s my dog too.”

  There was no way I was giving up Wentworth.

  “You don’t even like to walk him, Ross.”

  “Well maybe I can come and visit him. And you.”

  “Sure.”

  “And look after him if you go away.”

  “Okay, sounds good.”

  “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.”

  “Me too,” I admitted. “But I’m starting to move on, Ross, and I know it’s scary but you will too.”

  “Starting to move on?” His tone changed and he frowned. “Did you sleep with someone else while you were away?”

  “What? Why would you think that?”

  “You just seem different, detached somehow.”

  “I did meet someone, yes, but I didn’t sleep with him.”

  I wasn’t sure why I’d told him that but he needed to know it was over for sure, and maybe that’d help.

  “Not sure I believe that.”

  “Believe what you want to, Ross,” I said, sighing. I didn’t want to argue and it hardly seemed relevant now.

  “A holiday fling, huh?” he said, choking on his words a little.

  “I saw someone I used to know, we had a bit of a thing for a couple of days, yes. It wasn’t serious and I did not sleep with him. I guess it helped me to move on.”

  He gulped and nodded. “It really is over.”

  “Yes, I’m sorry.”

  “No, I’m the one who should be sorry.”

  We talked for a while about how we’d separate our stuff, take my name off of the mortgage, arrange a divorce. It ended up being quite a mature, adult conversation and he handled it better than I’d expected him to.

  I left him watching television while I gathered up as many of my things as I could fit into my car. I swept around the house: the house I’d loved from the moment the annoying estate agent had shown us around; the house I’d decorated and made my own; the house I’d thought I’d start a family in, and wondered how things could change so quickly.

  “I guess I’ll call you later?” I said to Ross in the doorway. He went to stand up.

  “No, don’t come and hug me,” I told him. “It’s not a good bye. We’ll still be friends, right?”

  He nodded sadly. “Okay, see you later.”

  I smiled and left, and as I shut the front door, relief flooded over me. It lasted about two minutes before the panic set in. I was single. Alone. Eternal spinsterhood was on the horizon.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Ten minutes after that, I was sitting on Shane’s sofa, telling him everything about my holiday, about Hayley, Guy and Will, about Ross and what I was going to do next.

  “So you think you and Aiden might get together?” Shane asked after handing me a cappuccino. It tasted delicious.

  “I don’t know. That kiss was pretty nice. A date wouldn’t hurt.”

  “But what about Will?”

  “I think he and his wife will probably work it out,” I said. And I realised for the first time that if that made Will happy, then that was fine with me. He should be happy, even if he was happiest away from me. My phone started ringing and Shane passed me my bag.

  “Oh crap,” I said, “it’s Kieran.”

  “Oh dear.” Shane looked as worried as I felt.

  “Hi Kieran.”

  “Jenny, what the hell is going on?”

  “Oh Kieran, I tried to talk her out of it, but she is so stubborn.”

  “I can’t believe this is happening. She says she’s not coming back.”

  “I know.”

  “Are you home?”

  “I’m back in Bath, yes?”

  “Do you mind coming over later, maybe you can help me understand all this.”

  We agreed that I’d come round and visit him later.

  “Oh that’s going to be awkward,” Shane pointed out the obvious as I hung up.

  “I know.” I sighed and silently cursed Hayley for putting me in this position. “So are you moving to Maidstone?”

  I’d avoided thinking about the idea of Shane moving away all week, but now I needed to know. I’d lost my other closest friend to Skye, was I going to lose Shane too?

  He sighed and sat down.

  “Andrew wants to.”

  “And you don’t?”

  “Not really.”

  “So what are you going to do?”

  “I guess we’ll move.”

  “Even though you don’t want to?”

  “Wouldn’t you move to make the one you love happy?”

  I shrugged. “Of course. But I also wouldn’t move if I knew the person I loved wanted to stay.”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “I know.”

  “It won’t change anything. We’ll talk all the time.”

  “I know.”

  Andrew came in and greeted me with a hug. I usually had a lot of time for him, but seeing as he was stealing my only remaining best friend away to the other side of the country, I didn’t feel so warm towards him today.

  “Shall we help you unload the stuff in your car to the spare room?” he asked after Shane had explained what was going on.

  “You sure you’re okay with this?”

  “Of course, you’re family,” he said, smiling and going to the front door. I guess I couldn’t hold a grudge against him when he was being so nice to me.

  After we’d unloaded my clothes and other essentials and had some tea, I decided I couldn’t put off the inevitable any longer and I went to face the man I’d been dreading to see ever since the moment Hayley set eyes on Guy again. Kieran.

  When he opened his front door, I could see immediately the pain she’d caused, and I wondered if I looked the same in the days after Ross confessed his one-night stand. Kieran looked a wreck. His usually smiley, handsome face was pale, his eyes were red and he didn’t look like he’d had any sleep at all. He smiled sadly and walked away from the front door, leaving me to close it behind us and follow him into the living room that Hayley had furnished and decorated only a year ago.

  “Can I get you some tea, or a coffee?”

  “I’m good thanks,” I said, sitting down, “I’ve just come from Shane’s so I’ve had plenty of coffee today.”

  Kieran smiled sadly and sat down beside me on the sofa.

  “I know Hayley’s been your friend for a long time and you’re going to be loyal to her. I understand that, but I’d just like to hear what happened, from your point of view, if you don’t mind sharing?”

  “What did she tell you already?”

  “She called and told me that she wasn’t coming home, that she’d met someone else, and that she was sorry but our relationship is over.” His voice cracked on the last few words. He sat back and sighed.

  “Okay,” I said, not really knowing where to start. At least she’d called, I was half expecting her to have only text or emailed him.

  “She sounded so cold, so distant. Not like Hayley at all. I started getting angry and asking questions and she just hung up on me. I mean, I can understand that she’s changed her mind, that she met someone, but don’t I mean anything? And how can she fall in love with a stranger just like that, after only a week away? Don’t I deserve more of an explanation? She could’v
e at least come home and told me to my face.”

  “I’m sorry Kieran, I’m angry with her too.”

  I didn’t feel good about revealing Hayley’s secrets, but I was still mad with her about the way she’d handled it all, and Kieran deserved the truth, even if Hayley wasn’t going to give it to him.

  “She hasn’t met someone new. She’s with Guy, her first boyfriend back when we were at school.”

  He sighed again. “Right, I see.”

  “She was crazy about him back then, but he moved to Scotland, and now she’s crazy about him again. I told her what she is doing isn’t right, that she’d hurt you, that she owed you more than this, but she wouldn’t listen. I’m so sorry Kieran.”

  He nodded and a tear rolled down his cheek. I got up and gave him an awkward hug and offered to make him a cup of tea. He mumbled a ‘yes please’ and I left him alone for a few minutes while I fussed around in the kitchen. When I bought two mugs back, he was sitting up, looking more composed.

  “I know this probably won’t make you feel better but I do literally know how you feel, and it will get better. I promise.”

  “How’s it going with you and Ross, are you getting back together?”

  “No.”

  “What’re you going to do?”

  “Find somewhere to live, I guess. I’m staying with Shane and Andrew but I don’t want to intrude on them for long. I might find a flat or a small house, if I can afford it.”

  He nodded. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

  “I’m sorry about you and Hayley, too.”

  “Thanks for being honest with me, Jen.”

  “That’s okay. Keep in touch, yeah? We could get together for a coffee some time and bitch about how we’ve been treated.”

  He laughed. “That sounds great, thank you.”

  “It’s nice to see you laugh. You’ll move on and get over her; it just takes a bit of time.”

  “Thanks.”

  He saw me out and I took a deep breath before calling Aiden to check he was in. I then walked to his house and found him waiting on the doorstep. I still wasn’t sure how I felt, even when I saw him again.

  “Hi,” I said, smiling as I came up the road and met him on the doorstep.