by Mara White
“You’re like one of the hottest guys I know and you never get excited about girls.”
Girls had hit on Ryan in front of Lindsay, at the coffee shop, in the gym, but he was usually pretty dismissive. Why? Fuck. Ryan had no idea. Because none of them are her. He raked his face with his hands and ran his fingers through his hair. It was long on top and flopped over to either side in waves. He wondered if he should get it cut before he went to see Jackie.
“Who is she?”
“Her name is Jackie. We were really close in college, like best friends close but with a little bit of blurred lines here and there.” He had just starting talking with no real plan in sight. He needed to get it off of his chest. He needed some advice that didn’t come from his mother or one of his brothers. Scott teased him to no end. Carlos cautioned him to protect his heart, and Andres told him to hurry up or he’d miss the bus and end up a bachelor, as if that were the worst thing on earth.
“Okay,” Lindsay put her hand up in a stop, splaying her fingers wide. “Best friends with benefits?”
“More or less, yeah, I guess. But there was love there, too.”
“Mormon?!” Lindsay practically shouted, as she wrestled with an egg salad sandwich on rye encased in impossibly thick plastic.
“No,” Ryan chuckled. He shook his head and grabbed the wedge shape from her, tore it open in one try.
“Go on, He-man,” Lindsay said. She bit into her sandwich.
“She held back. That’s not fair, we both did and—”
“She was Jewish and her parents hated you?”
“No, her parents were farmers, actually.”
“Oh, class wars! Hillbillys? She wasn’t good enough stock for your parents?”
“Lindsay! Do I get to tell you the story or are we playing twenty questions?” Ryan raised his voice, but he was laughing the whole time.
“Sorry, want a chip?” Lindsay proffered the bag to him.
“My parents never got the chance to meet her. Jackie was already grieving when I met her, but I didn’t really have an idea of how much. Her mom had passed away in middle school and that left her to care for her two younger siblings because their father couldn’t cope.”
Lindsay was rapt. She was nodding, eyes wide, one chip stuck halfway in transit between the bag and her mouth.
“I think because of her mom, Jackie had closed herself off. Even though there was always so much chemistry and emotion between us, it was like she purposely turned it off. I think she was scared. So you know, we were as close as could be, yet she always felt just out of my reach.”
Lindsay crunched her chips with a far-away look in her eyes.
“She had her defenses up. Refused to let you in, in order to protect herself.”
“Exactly,” Ryan said. He took a sip of his coffee and ran his thumb along the cup insulator. “But I knew what she was doing. I could see through it. But to this day, I’m not sure if she was aware of the impenetrable wall she’d built up.”
“So she rejected you, maybe precisely because she was in love with you.”
When Lindsay said it, heat rushed through Ryan’s limbs as if he’d poured the coffee onto himself.
“It gets worse,” he said. Even Ryan needed to take a deep breath to get through this part. The story was unthinkable, hard enough to even hear, let alone happen to someone you loved. “Just when we were on the brink, about to break through and figure us out, her two little sisters died in a car accident.”
Lindsay stopped chewing and covered her face. Ryan fought back the tears and struggled to continue on with the story.
“She went home. Was supposed to come back to school, but she didn’t. A weekend turned into a week, turned into months. She was devastated. It broke her. And I wanted to be the one to comfort her, but she pushed me away more than anyone else. She refused to let me help her.”
Lindsay blinked her big, blue eyes at Ryan. They were full of tears and etched with red blood vessels. She was sensitive and kind, but her friendship with him had certainly confirmed that the feelings he had for Jackie were unique. He and Lindsay were close, but there was no crackle between them, no sense of standing on the edge of a giant gorge, one where if you fell in, you might never return. It made him realize just how special his feelings for Jackie had been. He fought their legitimacy back then, constantly tried to bury them, but those feelings ran deep and had survived all of the years that separated them.
“Let’s talk about you, Lindsay. How’s your program going? Is your energy up?”
She tossed her sandwich wrapper into the garbage in the corner. She was shaking her head and turned to give him her full attention.
“Nope. You’re being really evasive. There’s a lot more to that story and we can talk about my program any day.” Lindsay was direct.
“Fair enough. We talked, like really talked, on the phone, for the first time in years. We always had our letters but ever since my birthday, we’ve been on the phone together every night. She’s lives in California and she agreed to see me. So I packed my stuff this morning. We’re going to meet up and see how we both feel.”
“I can see how you feel.” Lindsay reached across the intimate coffee table and squeezed Ryan’s wrist. He was usually such a happy-go-lucky guy, but Lindsay could tell that this girl was not just any girl to him.
“She promised me back then, when she pushed me away, that if she could somehow heal her heart, then she’d give us another chance. We made a pact on it.”
“Damn.” Lindsay’s eyes searched Ryan’s.
“I’ve got to get over to the medical center. My first client is at 9:30.”
“When do you fly out?” Lindsay asked him. They both stood at the same time.
“Tonight after work.” Ryan said.
“I feel like this is the first day of the rest of your life, Ryan. I don’t know, I’ve got a good feeling.” Ryan smiled and ran his hands through his hair again. Lindsay could tell he was trying to contain his emotions, hold back the warm spread of color that rosied his cheeks.
“Glad yours is good, cause mine is scared half to death.
Lindsay still scanned his face, as if she were discovering a whole new side to him. She punched him hard in his bicep and smiled a huge, reassuring smile up at him.
“You’re one of the most stand-up guys I know. She wouldn’t have said come if she weren’t ready to see you.”
He over-worked every single one of his clients that day. He was always about the push, but he nearly pushed some of them off the ledge. Ms. Ronaldson, who was in her seventies, was practically jogging on the treadmill in her orthotic white loafers.
“Ohh, Ryan!” she stammered.
“Drop and give me twenty!” he said in his military tone. He flashed her a quick smile and a wink as he turned the speed lower for her. She wiped her brow and nodded at him, went for a sip from her water bottle.
“What’s gotten into you today, Ryan? You never made me work so hard before!” She was recovering from a knee replacement surgery. She dyed her own hair from a box and she managed to capture a unique shade of blue. Her workout clothes consisted of her regular wardrobe. Sometimes she’d show up in a silk blouse with buttons that tied into a bow under her chin. A cardigan and elastic-waist jeans were Ryan’s personal favorite. She was a sweet lady and had a lot of stamina for her age. He grabbed the ten pound free weights off the bench and she nearly dropped them when he transferred the weight.
“Lord Almighty, Ryan! You’re trying to make an old woman have a heart attack.”
“I’m going to be out next week and you’ll do your routine with Robin. No extra heat. No extra minutes.” Mrs. Ronaldson pouted.
“Well, I don’t like Robin and maybe I’ll just call out if you’re not going to be here.”
“Stay on schedule, Joyce. We need to get that muscle back so you can trash the walker and the cane.”
“You’re a fine boy, Ryan. I mean that,” she said and patted his hand. She wore a diamond ring that w
as canary yellow. Ryan often wondered if it was fake.
“Walters!” a booming voice startled them both. “You’re eleven thirty has arrived!”
That would be Robin, Ryan’s rather abrasive co-worker, who had the bedside manner of a military sergeant. Mrs. Ronaldson looked scared.
“Nothing to worry about Joyce. You’re just going to run through the exact same exercises. Two sessions, tops.” She patted his wrist again, but clung to him for dear life when they walked down the hall. “I’ll be back running you ragged by next Tuesday, I’d imagine.”
“I don’t want to do the ball on the floor with him,” she said under her breath.
“I’ll take it off your chart.” He pushed open the door that led to the women’s dressing room and held it for her.
“Nice job today, Joyce.”
“I’ll see you when you get back,” she nodded. Ryan crossed off the ball exercises on the paper on his clipboard.
Chapter 35
Jackie
Jackie walked around her apartment in a daze. In a week, Ryan would be in California. In her apartment. In her arms. Last night, she’d stayed up until midnight talking to Rose. Preparing herself. She was a basket case of nerves and she still had six days to go until he arrived. For Pop’s birthday last year, she’d purchased a tablet for him so they could Skype, since he didn’t like flying and she didn’t get home often enough to visit. She flipped open her laptop and opened the video chat.
Her dad’s face appeared on screen, smiling.
“Hi-ya, kiddo. Can you see me? Do I have it right?”
Jackie laughed. “Yeah, Pops. It’s good.”
“What’s going on?” He leaned toward the camera, as if to see her better.
Jackie blew out a sigh. “Pop’s do you remember Ryan from college?”
“Yup.”
“He’s coming to visit me. We haven’t seen each other in years.”
“So why’s he comin’ then?”
“I told you before, we’re pen pals. We’ve kept in touch.”
“That boy is not your pen pal. That boy was straight up over the moon about you. Only reason a man writes a woman for years is if he’s crazy about her.”
“Pops.”
“What?”
“I loved him. Love him—I think. It was just the timing.” Jackie sighed and tucked her hair behind her ears.
“Why’s my girl nervous then?”
“It’s been years! What if everything’s different?”
“So what? What if it is? You won’t know until you see him.”
“I’m just. Damn, dad. Help a girl out.”
“Kiddo, you got this. If it’s meant to be, it will be. He was good to you when things were bad. He’s not going to be bad now.”
“I know. I’m just nervous. Anxious really.”
“I think it’s excitement.”
“Tell me about Lola. When’s the last time you saw her?”
“Don’t you change the subject. You know damn well Lola visits every Sunday.”
Jackie laughed. Her dad had really bonded with Lola and maintained a relationship with her. Jackie was reminded that Rose and Lola were blessings and she was grateful.
“Listen, I gotta go, kiddo. Relax. This boy’s still got a thing for you. I’d bet money on it. Just be you and see how it pans out.”
Jackie kissed two fingers and touched her dad’s face on the screen. “Love ya, Pops. Be good.”
Chapter 36
Ryan
He wasn’t much of a flier and it wasn’t because he was afraid. The problem was that Ryan, exactly like his father Calvin and brother Scott, was built like a linebacker and too big to fit comfortably into an airplane seat. He felt like a giant trying to fold his body into a chair made for someone half his size. And he always felt badly for the person sitting next to him because they would have to sit the four hours with half of his shoulder span covering their chest.
But really, nothing could dampen his spirits. This was a defining moment of his life and he felt nothing but gratitude to be in it. His brother Carlos had called him last night and given him a ton of shit, just to mess with him.
“What if she got really huge, dude? What if she weighs over 500 pounds?”
“I’m a physical therapist and a personal trainer, Carlos. Literally, like the perfect person to help her with that. I’m more worried about her coping skills, like if she’s actually worked through the grief or she’s continued to run from it.”
“What if she’s still heavy into the booze, or worse, like hard drugs? Faces of meth, Ry. Anything is possible.”
Ryan groaned into the phone. Carlos was obsessed with winning any argument they had.
“I don’t think they let alcoholics or methamphetamine addicts teach teenagers how to drive.”
“Who knows, it’s California.”
“I think the rules are the same.”
“STD?”
“Would you stop! I will deal with the obstacles, can we just stick to real possibilities? I don’t even know why I’m talking to you. Wasn’t it you who always told me to follow my heart?”
“Yeah, Ry. I’m just fucking with you. I think it’s going to be great! Even if she lost all of her hair early and is hunched over like Quasimodo. You two can go wig shopping!”
“Hunched over. Like you, bro? Put Ethan on the phone, I’d rather talk to him!”
“Text me. Like when you’re on the way back to her place. Tell me if she’s still hot,” Carlos was laughing. He loved tormenting his younger brother.
“I’m hanging up.”
“Have a great time. Just don’t get your heart broken, promise me that much!”
Ryan hung up the phone with a knot of panic in his chest. Tomorrow he would come face to face with his first love, maybe the love of his life. He took a deep breath and let it expand all the way in his lungs. He had never once, even for a minute, considered getting his heart broken; he’d only been preoccupied with helping to mend and protect hers, and in doing so, left his own exposed and out in the open.
Every time he could recall stepping off of a plane, he’d been excited about a destination. This time it was a person and the game felt totally different. He wasn’t arriving to explore and decide if he liked a certain place, this was a personal discovery, and one that had the potential to change his entire life. He was about to find out if he and Jackie still clicked. It was daunting, exhilarating and utterly terrifying. Would they instantly recognize each other? Should he have skipped the B and B and just asked to stay at her place? These were the thoughts that occupied his mind as his plane touched down in San Francisco. As he yanked his luggage down from the overhead rack, he could feel his heart tap-dancing. He had the overwhelming urge to run, like surplus energy needed to leave his legs. The line to exit the plane was the slowest in aviation history, the walk to the luggage carousel where friends and family could greet one another took thousands of seconds, each one longer than the next.
He recognized her from behind. Her brown hair with a slight bouncy wave to it. Shoulder length, shorter than in college. He recognized her ass and his groin tensed. The slope of her shoulders was the same. Now she was standing tall, not caving forward like she had been after Mia and Angel died. Her posture then made him think that she was physically trying to protect her heart. But now she stood confident, scanning the wrong crowd. Ryan had a perfect moment where he basked in the delight of just seeing her physical form—knowing she was near and alive.
“Jack!” he called to her. His face broke out into a wide smile.
She whipped around. Eye contact. Her smile was glorious and made his stretch even wider.
“Ryyyaaan!” she squeaked, as she raced across the floor. She flew into his arms with the force of a cannon ball. He wanted to grab her and kiss her, like a goddamned music video. Throw her up against a wall and show her how much he’d missed her. But he held her tight instead, inhaled the scent of her hair, felt his heart slow as it realized it was finally just whe
re it wanted to be.
“Ryan,” she said again, this time muffled into his chest. He squeezed her hard and never wanted to let go. The axis of his world was set right again, all the planets aligned.
“Oh, Jackie,” he said, his words right next to her ear.
I’m never leaving, he thought. I’m not so stupid that I would let go twice. This is my home, right here.
Chapter 37
Jackie
Her heart raced. People were staring as she pulled away from him. She drank him in slowly. He looked more grown up but still had a boyishness about him. His chest was firm, his arms muscled and his smile wide.
She exhaled audibly. “It’s so good to see you.”
His grin widened. On impulse, she reached up and poked his dimples. She wanted to kiss his lips. Taste him, but she refrained. For now. “Let’s get going.” She turned toward the exit but was halted mid step by the collar of her shirt.
“I still need my luggage,” he said. Jackie laughed. A blush crept up her neck. She was so taken by his presence, she’d forgotten all about luggage.
Jackie held his face between her hands. It was as if time hadn’t traveled at all and they were as drawn to one another as they were the day they’d said goodbye.
“I had a dead heart,” she told him. Ryan stood before her in her living room. He fit there. Looked right in her space. It was as if he were the missing piece and now that he was here, she felt at home finally.
“I know, I would have done anything to fix it.” His eyes cut straight to her innards. She didn’t know how, after all this time, he could still do that.
“We were just kids, Ryan.” She shook her head at him. She wasn’t telling him no, just stating the obvious. She didn’t know why. She dropped her hands. She knew they would have to talk. They needed to get whatever it was between them out in the open.
