by Mara White
Ryan grabbed them in his.
“But every word we spoke meant something.”
Jackie sighed.
“And every time we walked away did, too.”
“I didn’t walk away, Jackie, but all the silence in between—it was just our debt to pay. We’re both here now.”
He tugged her hands, pulled her into his chest. She closed her eyes and said, “I’m scared. What if this doesn’t work out?”
Ryan chuckled and stroked her hair. “Then we will be like everyone else in the world who fell in love, tried and failed. It’s okay, either way.”
“You’re ridiculous,” she said, and looked up at his face.
Ryan only shrugged. “‘What if’ will be the only phrase we have to describe us if we don’t try. I’ll always be the ‘what if’ guy, and vice versa. We owe it to ourselves to try.”
“I want to agree but I don’t want to say the words ‘you’re right,’ your head might inflate to the point of exploding.”
“What, exactly, are you implying?” Ryan asked. His fingers slipped downward and poked into her waist. Jackie squealed and jumped in place with a laugh. No one had tickled her in a long time.
She wriggled from his arms and crouched down. He was ticklish behind the knees. She went for it, bringing Ryan to the floor with a raucous laugh. They wrestled on the ground together, tickling and laughing like children.
Ryan pinned her beneath him. His face hovered inches from hers, waiting, wanting, a signal, an acknowledgement of the heat he could feel between them. Jackie leaned up. Just a centimeter but it was all Ryan needed. His lips met hers. Soft and tentative at first, an open mouthed kiss without tongue. She responded with her body, pressing into him. He was being gentle with her and all she felt was urgency. Her mouth blossomed and opened to his; the kiss became a hunger. His hands, which were caressing her hairline, now fisted her mane and yanked her mouth to his. Kissing Ryan was comfort and passion. He was warmth and kindness. Their connection felt so right, that Jackie imagined he must hold a part of her soul. Of course, there were men who could turn her on, but no one could do what Ryan did—which was demolish her carefully constructed walls. Through years of loss, she had painstakingly put them up and with a kiss, Ryan could dismantle the entire structure, rendering her vulnerable and raw. The sensation of melting, or maybe melding hit her swiftly. She felt whole pressed against him. Hip to hip, mouth to mouth. Ryan was air and peace. She was pinned to the floor underneath him, yet she felt buoyant for the first time in years.
The flame between them was undeniable, it had never gone out, nor had it flickered. The fire was whole and strong and raging. Jackie couldn’t overlook it or pretend it wasn’t there any longer. She wanted to get burned, walk on coals, feel the heat, singe her skin—the whole lot.
Ryan slipped his hands under her shirt.
“Is this okay?” he asked. She nodded. One expert hand slipped behind her back and unclasped her bra. He massaged her aching breasts until she arched into his touch. He nudged her shirt up with his nose, peppering kisses along her abdomen. She fisted his shirt, yanked it up and over his head. Ryan was fit like an athlete, his pecs and six pack still sculpted like she remembered. “How ‘bout this?” he mumbled, before taking her eager nipple in his mouth. Jackie groaned her response. She fed it to him and surrendered her body. “I don’t want to rush this. Or push you.” He looked up at her.
“I will never speak to you again, if you stop now. Also, stop asking,” she said. Ryan laughed.
“What the lady wants, the lady gets.” In a swift motion he tugged her jeans and panties down. The rush of his knuckles against her thighs, ran tingles up her spine. She used the break to shuck off her shirt completely. Ryan fumbled with his belt, but stopped suddenly when he realized she was completely naked. Jackie had never been self-conscious but she trembled with the intensity of the moment.
“Jack,” he said. He took her in with reverence and a certain humbleness that brought scarlet to Jackie’s neck, blossoms of red blush appeared on her clavicle and chest. “I’ve missed you, that’s all.” But it was more than that and she knew it as well as he did.
She placed her hand on his, stilling it, before swatting it away. Then made easy work of his belt, button and zipper. When he thumbed his boxers down and stepped out of them, his cock bounced to attention. Jackie licked her lips, kneeled and dragged her hands down Ryan’s side until she reached his hips. He guided himself into her mouth. She remembered his taste. Ryan’s cock strained against her soft lips as pre-cum leaked out in anticipation. When he pumped himself in and out of her mouth, his butt cheeks clenched. She groaned at the feel of his perfect ass under her hands. “Damn,” he moaned. Jackie chuckled, which caused another groan from Ryan. She worked to take his engorged length all the way in, remembering his stamina and just how much he’d loved having sex. With her. Ryan only wanted her. Jackie could feel the slickness of her arousal building between her legs. She hummed while she sucked him off and when he came, shuddering into her mouth, she took it all.
Ryan scooped her into his arms. She nuzzled her nose in his neck, while he carried her to her bedroom.
“I can’t believe you’re really here.”
He laid her on the bed and climbed up, pushing Jackie’s ankles toward her butt and effectively spreading her wide. His grip tightened almost brutally on her ankles.
“Believe it,” he said with a knowing smile. A smile he lowered to her inner thigh with a devilish glint in his eye. Jackie trembled in anticipation. The first swipe of his tongue at her center made her body convulse. The tongue lashing that followed made her see spots. She thrust her hips, but his hands stayed solid on her ankles and Jackie was trapped in his delicious punishment.
Ryan. He was here. In her home. With her. In her. She couldn’t get enough of him. She wanted him closer and wondered why in the world she’d ever let him go in the first place. When she came, his fingers curled inside her, his mouth still tasting her, Jackie let go of everything, all of the apprehension and doubt that constantly followed her. She came and her orgasm released everything she’d been holding inside her. The keen she unleashed was feral and exposed. Her body trembled instinctively and she gripped Ryan’s shoulders before going limp. The way he looked at her was a gentle warning of what was to come. Hair mussed, mouth swollen, expression cocky and greedy, the most gorgeous man she’d ever laid eyes on crawled up her body. His erection pressed into her belly and Jackie tipped her head back into the pillow, offering up her neck. Ryan raked his teeth down the taut cord, propped himself up on his forearms and entered her. It had been years but Jackie had never forgotten what he felt like. Their eyes connected as he slid his full erect length inside her. Her body clenched, as if already anticipating the loss of him. Ryan was thoughtful and slow, but the ache inside her was torment. Her body didn’t want slow and she desperately clung to him. The harder and deeper he thrust, the closer she inched to the edge.
“Harder. Don’t stop,” she panted.
“Never,” he said. He slammed into her again and her breasts bounced with the impact. She reached her hands up and braced them against the headboard. “I don’t ever want to stop.”
She wanted more than anything to believe that was possible. She wanted Ryan for forever, too, but could it be that easy? Jackie squeezed her eyes shut. All she knew about love was loss and how much it hurt. Sensing something, Ryan pulled out. Her eyes flew open and met his.
“Don’t go there, Jack. Stay with me.”
He grabbed her hips and twisted until she rolled. He used his knees to push hers up and then he gripped her hips ferociously. She slid to her elbows for support. Ryan pushed into her hard, hitting a place inside her that made her lose all rational thought. She moaned.
“Finger yourself,” he demanded. She was breathless at his command and did as she was told. With two fingers pressed to her clit and Ryan slamming into her, she finally let go. Fierce and wild waves rolled through her body continuously until the pleasure
built past the point of containment. He spanked her ass savagely and thrust just as brutally. Jackie cried out in abandon as the orgasm ripped through her. Ryan pulled out and came on her ass, his semen hot and abundant, despite just having come in her mouth. He whispered her name as he collapsed to the mattress right alongside her. He tucked her under his arm. Jackie was dazed in a sort of bewildering stasis.
“Well, fuck,” she said, as it was the only thing that came to mind. He smiled against her shoulder.
He’d paid for an air B and B and only stepped foot in the place once.
Chapter 38
Ryan
The days flew by like the summer nights of childhood, where you woke up one morning to September and a beeping school bus before you were ready. He found himself not only counting down the days, but obsessing over the hours, the minutes, the moments of contact that remained. They ate out, went to the movies; basically, had as much fun together as they did during college—minus the abundant alcohol and vicious sex games. Being with Jackie was as easy as breathing. He had expected their interactions to be at least a little awkward at first and instead, they were near perfect. The laughed like best friends and fucked like professionals. Ryan adored Jackie, the way she looked, the way she smelled, the way the girl goddamned sneezed. And he loved the important things, too, like her worldview, her morals and ethical self. Jackie was a caretaker, she always put others before herself. Ryan had an overwhelming desire to take care of her. Not some ridiculous crap like keep her barefoot and pregnant, although he wouldn’t object to that, if it was what she wanted at any point. But Ryan wanted Jackie to finish school—to really take care of and invest in herself. It was, of course, too soon to bring that kind of thing up, but he wanted her to have the intellectual and growing experience of finishing her degree, if she were inclined to do it. The opportunity had been cut short due to the tragedy with her sisters. These were the things he pondered as he lay awake every night in her comfy bed.
“Ryan, you look like crap!” Jackie said jovially on his third morning in California. She handed him a steaming mug of coffee, looking adorable in boy shorts, pulled up knee socks and a weathered cardigan over her tank top.
“No sleep because you refuse to keep your hands off of me,” Ryan said. She fell over easily when he wrapped an arm around her waist.
“Okay, I won’t touch you!” Ryan silenced her protest with a full mouth kiss. He debated whether or not to tell her that his lack of sleep wasn’t the work of their hours of lovemaking alone. It was anxiety that wouldn’t let his brain or body rest and warded off sleep at the sheer terror of missing something. Be it the flutter of her lashes or the rise and fall of her chest when she slept. He wanted it all, including all the little moments he’d missed.
He rolled her supple body under his and inhaled the warm soft scent of the clothes she’d slept in. Jackie was a goddess, makeup free, hair in a messy top knot and smelling of coffee. Her body gave way to his like a footprint in the sand. He tasted her neck as he slid an almost painfully engorged morning erection against her willing, yielding body.
“I love California,” he said, murmuring the words into her neck at the base of her hairline.
“Hmmm.”
He dragged his length in and out of her in slow, sweet torture. Her arms he pushed out to the sides and then up above her head.
“No breakfast?”
“Dessert first.”
“Oh!” Jackie exclaimed as he slid down her boy shorts.
“I like this apartment. I gets so much sunlight,” Ryan said. He was working hard to keep a straight face. Jackie gasped at his penetration, her legs wrapped possessively around his waist. He loved the look she got in her eye when she was aroused. It was bright and dazed at the same time, an alertness that begged to be extinguished. And when he accomplished it, he felt like a man. Bringing Jackie to orgasm was the greatest privilege he’d ever known.
“I have a two year lease,” Jackie moaned. She gathered her wits enough to cock an eyebrow at Ryan. What was he doing? Sure, they communicated during sex, but it seemed like he was up to something.
“I think being with you, waking up next to you in the morning is the best thing I’ve ever done. I don’t want to stop doing it.”
Jackie sat up and Ryan came with her. They gazed into one another’s eyes and Ryan could feel the pull to her like a magnetic force. He couldn’t break away from Jackie, even if he wanted to. He knew in the deepest recesses of his heart that they were meant to be together, that they’d waited this long for a reason. No one else had ever spoken to his heart like she did, and honestly, he didn’t want them to. He knew Jackie was the one.
“I want it, too,” Jackie whispered. He could see the flicker of fear in her eyes. He brushed a tendril of brown hair behind her ear and kissed her between the eyes.
Ryan knew that Jackie had lost more than any one person should have to bear. He wanted to make up for her losses, he wanted to be the one who was always there. Ryan couldn’t take away what had happened to her, but he could make her feel safe, give her a life and a home.
“I hear there are a lot of PT jobs out here, they actually try to recruit people from the mid-west. I know, I’ve gotten calls from the headhunters.”
“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Jackie interweaved her fingers with his and squeezed. “You want to come back? To California?”
“I don’t want to leave, Jack. I’m never leaving you again.”
Chapter 39
Jackie
Jackie looked at her phone. In twenty minutes she needed to be home and she was sitting in traffic. Ryan’s moving truck was due at the house in an hour. Ryan was due in twenty. She glanced out the window of the student driver car and sent up a silent prayer that this kid would be able to get them back to the lot in fifteen minutes.
“Come on, Jarod. Light’s about to be green.”
Jarod’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel. Some kids just weren’t comfortable behind the wheel. “Ease the gas pedal down. You got this.”
“Miss, I think I’m done.” Cars beeped at them.
“Jarod, drive,” she said sternly. Jarod let his foot off the brake and the car rolled forward. He slammed the brake pedal and they both lunged forward.
Jackie bit her lip to keep calm as the honking continued. “Breathe. Nice and easy. Foot off brake, foot on gas gently.” The car began gliding forward at a snail’s pace, but any pace was better than stopped. She drummed her fingers on the passenger side door as they crawled back to the lot. When the car was in park she practically snatched the keys from the ignition and pushed Jarod from the car.
She was nervous about today and didn’t want to be late for him. She ran home as quickly as possible. Ryan was sitting on the front step of her building. She rambled out a slew of apologies but he caught her in his arms and squeezed her to his chest. This was a big day. A huge step for her. A big leap of faith in her from Ryan.
“It’s fine. I’ve been here five minutes. Relax,” he said. He kissed the top of her head. She took a deep breath and willed her nerves to subside.
“I’m just . . . anxious.”
“I know. It’s okay. Wanna go in now, though?” he asked. Jackie laughed and slapped a shiny new key in his palm.
“Whoa,” he said, “it’s official.”
“It’s official.” She memorized the look on his face. It was pure. It was joy. It was, everything she wanted to see on his face forever. He deserved that look. He leaned down and kissed her lips softly.
“We’re official,” he mumbled against her mouth.
“Oh, no, we aren’t. Living together is official, but us . . . we aren’t—not yet.” Ryan pulled back and stared her down.
“Marry me.”
“No way—you said thirty. You have to wait until I’m thirty before you can ask me. Even then, you don’t know what the answer will be.” Jackie laughed at Ryan’s face.
“That is stupid.”
“Nope.” She cr
ossed her arms over her chest and grinned at him. “That’s the deal we made.”
“You’re more stubborn than a mule.” Ryan shot her a look before turning to use his new key. She caught the smirk on his face as he used it and her chest became tight with contentment.
The last box was finally unpacked. It had taken a week, but they’d found a home for all of Ryan’s things. Now, when she looked around the apartment, he was everywhere, even when he wasn’t there. The first two nights she’d called Rose from the front steps. She wanted to gush about Ryan without him hearing and the apartment was too small to do that. Ryan had laughed at her both nights when she came back in. The second night, he pointed to the open window and she blushed so hard, she thought she’d caught fire. He’d laughed because he’d heard every single thing she’d said about him. From how incredible the sex was, to her slight insecurities, to her all out love for him. She’d shook her head in her hands in embarrassment.
Ryan slid a mug of coffee across the counter to her. “I was thinking,” he started. She took a long pull from her coffee mug and watched him over the rim. “We should get a pet.”
Jackie wrinkled her nose. “What?”
“A pet, you know, usually an animal of the cat or dog variety that people dote on and love in their home?”
“Har har, Ryan. You want a pet?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, it’s practice for a baby.” Jackie spluttered her coffee all over the countertop. Her eyes bugged out of her head. “GOTCHA!” Ryan doubled over and laughed as she tried to regain her composure.
She wasn’t ready for kids. She knew Ryan wanted a gaggle and she wanted to give that to him. But she wanted marriage first, and a nice couple of years of them being together alone, before that. If he was craving a pet—so be it. It was something she could give him immediately. Nothing else could be rushed, in her opinion.
“Okay. Let’s get one.”
