by Ashley Hall
And to think that I was only twenty-two!
# # #
When I first met Mack, it was like a fairytale. He was three years older than me – seventeen to my fourteen – and he seemed like a real man. He had hair on his chest and bulging, muscular biceps. When he smiled at me, I felt my heart was going to melt out of my body and drip onto the floor.
My friends all teased me about having a crush, but I knew I was right and they were wrong: this wasn’t just a crush, it was true love. I spent hours doodling Mack’s name in my school notebooks, blowing off my studies. It was just as well. I’d never been great in school anyhow. And obsessing over Mack really gave me something to think about, something I thought I’d want for the rest of my life.
The day he first asked me out, I thought I was in heaven. He came up to me in the parking lot after school, where I was waiting for a ride home from my mom. With his tight bootcut jeans and black leather jacket, I thought he looked tough and sexy. When we made eye contact, my cheeks burned bright red with excitement and shock that someone like him would ever want someone like me.
“You wanna go to the movies this weekend, Anita?”
I had stammered and blushed and bit my lip. “Yeah,” I said softly. “That would be great. When are you picking me up?”
Mack snorted. He spat on the ground and sucked his teeth. “I ain’t pickin’ you up,” he said. “You meet me there. I can’t have my parents seeing me with a girl.”
He said it like a dirty word. I should have known at the time, should have taken it as a red flag. But I couldn’t – it was like there was some secret, cosmic rope pulling me towards Mack and no matter what I did, I couldn’t pull away. He’d already become the center of my universe, and we’d barely talked! Thinking of going on a real date with him was too good to be true.
That weekend, I met him at the movies after spending a painstaking hour crimping my hair and applying glitter eye shadow to my lids. I had to do it all in secret: Mom and Dad were real strict, and if they ever knew I was planning to meet up with a boy three years my senior, I knew that I’d really catch hell. But I lied, and told them I was going out with a girlfriend. Dad didn’t ask any questions after that. I knew talking about girl stuff always made him squeamish.
I could hardly wait to see my Prince Charming. When I skipped up to the movie theater, I was shocked to see Mack already there, smoking a cigarette. It occurred to me then that I thought he’d stand me up. Somehow, I wasn’t actually convinced that he liked me. It seemed improbable. How could someone as sexy and grown-up as Mack want me, a skinny little fourteen-year-old girl?
That night turned out to be the best night of my life so far. Mack bought us tickets to a movie and popcorn, which we shared. Every time my fingers touched his in the tub of popcorn, I shivered with lust. Just sitting next to him was enough to set me off, and the electricity crackled between us as the movie started.
Now, I couldn’t tell you what we saw. In fact, I barely even watched the movie. I was more taken with Mack: his sexy profile, the scent of his cologne wafting over from the seat next to mine. I was enchanted by him. I imagined him taking me home and kissing me gently on the lips. Maybe we’d even French! I’d never Frenched before, although I had kissed a couple of guys by the time I was a freshman in high school. My friend Cory always told me that I moved too fast, but I was determined to prove her wrong once and for all. I didn’t move too fast – I moved at exactly the right pace to entice Mack Dawson.
When the movie was over, Mack asked if I wanted to go for a drive. I was nervous – I remember that my skin was cold and clammy and my stomach kept turning over and over. I was so thrilled at the idea of being alone with him! But as soon as we were driving through the country, I realized that I might have gotten more than I bargained for. After all, Mack was close to an adult. My palms began to sweat and itch as I realized that he’d probably had sex before. Like, actual sex.
I wondered if my parents would kill me if they knew where I was.
Mack pulled the car over to an overlook, by the mountains. The night air was cool and I shivered – I’d only worn a tank top with my favorite pair of jeans. Mack grinned when he saw me with my arms wrapped around myself. He slid out of his jacket and passed it over to me in one smooth motion, without losing focus on the road. I shivered again – not because I was cold, but because the jacket smelled deliciously like him. Like danger, like spicy cologne. Like illicit cigarettes smoked after dark in some parking lot in the middle of nowhere, watching the stars.
As the car rolled to a slow stop, Mack turned off the headlights. For a moment, everything was black. Then my eyes adjusted and I could see his eyes, staring right at me. I felt like he could see me without my clothes on, like he could see everything that I was and everything that I felt. It was the most exposed sensation that I’d ever had, and I struggled to hold his gaze.
“Thanks for inviting me out tonight,” I said shyly. “I had a lot of fun.”
Mack grinned, exposing a row of white teeth. They weren’t too even; I could tell that he needed braces and hadn’t had them, but the overall effect was still sexy as hell. I blushed.
“You’re a real babe,” Mack said. I blushed even harder as he reached out to stroke my cheek. As he ran his hand down the side of my face, he wrapped his other arm around my shoulders and tried to pull me closer. At first, it felt awkward: I was still buckled into my seat belt and I giggled nervously as we struggled together for a moment. Finally, I managed to unbuckle the nylon belt holding me against the seat and I launched forward into Mack’s arms.
He pressed his lips to mine and I closed my eyes, savoring the feel of the kiss. My first real kiss. His chin was rough with stubble and the usual teenage acne, but that didn’t matter. What mattered was the sensation of him, wrapped around me, making me feel safe. The smell of cologne and cigarette smoke was enough to make me dizzy. When he slipped his tongue in my mouth, I almost drew back because the sensation was something unlike that which I’d ever felt. His tongue wasn’t slimy, but it was viscerally wet. After a moment, I began to enjoy the sensation, and I found that I couldn’t imagine kissing without it.
Mack slid his hand down my back and pressed me closer. The gesture was both familiar and startlingly possessive. A shiver of lust crawled down my spine as I felt my body slam against his. Our kiss deepened and the sensations coursing through my body grew even more intense as I moaned softly into Mack’s mouth.
“God,” Mack muttered. He tangled his hands in my hair and tugged – not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to make my eyes roll back in my head. I couldn’t believe this – I was finally here, making out with a hot guy in his car! I was finally making it!
Mack grabbed one of my hands and tugged it towards him. He set it on his lap and began rubbing his crotch with my hand grasped in his. I felt a huge bulge under the fly of his jeans and I almost cried out with surprise. His dick felt so big – I was suddenly afraid that whatever we were doing, whatever sex was, that it wouldn’t work. He’s not going to fit, I realized as Mack rubbed himself faster and faster against my hand. I began to find the rhythm and after a moment, Mack let his hand fall away and I continued pleasuring him on my own.
The sensation swarming through my body was incredible. I felt like my skin was on fire, like fireworks were exploding right beneath the surface. As I rubbed Mack, I noticed a change in his own behavior: he began breathing more heavily and his face grew damp with sweat. The car was filled with an intense, musky odor.
When he uttered a groan of pleasure and jerked his hips against my hand, I began rubbing him faster than ever before. Then Mack suddenly shoved my hand away, but not before I’d felt a touch of wet denim under my fingertips.
He grinned at me again, panting like a dog. “That’s enough for now,” Mack said. He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket, lit it with the knob on the dashboard, and leaned back in his seat with a smug expression on his handsome face.
I should have known at the time it wou
ld be the last time I felt truly happy around Mack Dawson.
Chapter Two
Anita
Susan and I always got lunch together – it was just one of our many rituals at Rocker & Powell. I felt happy and confident that I was finally making a real friend in Durango, even if I couldn’t help but feel a little self-conscious. I was really out of practice when it came to talking with strangers. And I had that past, after all: I couldn’t hide it forever, but I knew that it would be wise to try.
“You want salads or burgers today?” Susan leaned over my desk with her hands on her hips. “Come on, it’s 12:10! Normally we’re already eating!” She rubbed her stomach with one hand and started to laugh.
“Alright, alright,” I replied, pretending to grumble as I stood up from my desk and pulled a cardigan from one of the bottom drawers. “What do you think about sushi, actually?” I pulled a face. “I’ve been craving it, and I can’t understand why.”
Susan laughed. “Sounds good to me, Café Nori?”
I nodded. Nori was right around the corner from Rocker & Powell. I liked the small restaurant a lot – it was one of the best things I’d found in Durango. The servers always remembered us by name and it had a cute, small-town feel despite being a trendy sushi café.
The weather outside had turned sunny and warm. Sometimes, I had to admit that I really missed Carlsbad. Durango wasn’t like California; we had an actual winter. And snow. And ice storms. I shuddered – I hadn’t even been in town for more than a month and a half and I was already dreading winter.
We’d just arrived at Café Nori and let ourselves inside. The owner had waved and pointed towards a corner table. As I took my cardigan off and folded it inside my purse, I sighed.
“Uh oh,” Susan said. “You look pissed, what is it?”
“Nothing,” I said. “Just getting used to the fact that I don’t live in California anymore.” I raised my eyebrows. “You know. Winter and all that.” I shuddered and wrapped my arms around myself. “I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. I didn’t even have closed-toed shoes until like, last week!”
Susan hooted with laughter. She passed me a menu but I left it face-down on the table. I’d been starving not ten minutes ago but suddenly my appetite had completely disappeared. Besides, I knew what I’d order anyway: a California roll and a lobster king special. It was my usual order, and the staff probably could have made it for me in their sleep. But all the same, it was delicious.
“Are you okay?” Susan asked, once she was finished laughing. “I mean, did something happen?”
I shook my head. “No, not really,” I lied. “I just wanted a change of scene. You know, I’d been in Carlsbad my whole life. And it’s not like I went to college – so I sort of stayed the same while all my friends grew up.” And left me when I got involved with an abusive biker, I thought grimly.
Susan frowned. “Are you not happy here?” Before I could reply, she continued: “I know it’s real hard makin’ new friends and all. But you’re doing a great job. You’re so sweet and nice.” She squinted. “It’s hard to believe you don’t have a boyfriend yet! I noticed one of the interns checking you out the other day!”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, right,” I said. “More like staring at my tattoos.”
“Come on, be fair,” Susan replied. “It was Ethan. Don’t you think he’s cute? That blonde hair and blue eyes?” She sighed dramatically. “If I was about ten years younger, I’d go for him myself. He’s dreamy!”
I bit my lip. “Not exactly my type,” I pointed out as diplomatically as I could.
Susan laughed. “So what is your type?”
I wrinkled my forehead. “Um, tall and tattooed,” I said. “Lots of black leather. Drives a motorcycle.” I winced as I realized I’d basically described Mack to a T. You’re supposed to be getting along without him, I thought with dismay. “You know, maybe I will ask Ethan out,” I said suddenly. “I dated a biker guy before and it didn’t go well.”
Susan nodded wisely. “My uncle’s a biker,” she said, sipping her plastic glass of water. “And he’s kind of a jerk. He has a girlfriend, but he steps out on her all the time. And he like, always wants to party. It’s like, grow up, you’re fifty-five.”
I nodded, not wanting to tell her about Mack. “My ex was a jerk,” I admitted. “But that’s over and done with. We’re broken up. No contact and everything.”
Susan didn’t reply – the waiter had walked over, and she was busy holding her menu up and asking him about the daily specials. I felt a sense of dread and foreboding come over me.
I still couldn’t believe I’d had the courage to leave Mack. It had been the hardest thing I’d ever done, and if I was being completely honest with myself, I regretted it sometimes. The nights were dark and lonely, and I didn’t like sleeping alone. I knew that he’d been an awful boyfriend, but he was all that I’d ever known. After all, I’d given him so much. My virginity, my teen years, some of my youth. I’d loved him so much, and that was all I’d wanted from him: to be loved in return.
“So what happened?” Susan asked after the waiter left. She cringed. “I ordered you your usual,” she added quickly. “You looked really lost in thought, and I didn’t wanna disturb you.”
I smiled quickly. “Yeah,” I mused. “I was just thinking about home. About Carlsbad. I don’t think I can ever go back.”
“Well, what about your folks? Are they happy you’ve settled somewhere else, or do they miss you?” She sipped her water again and fanned herself with a meaty palm. “If I were them, I’d miss you like hell,” she said. “My kid’s only in kindergarten, but I can’t imagine her moving away.” She let out a loud guffaw that embarrassed me. “I have no idea how I’m gonna cope when she goes off to college!”
My smile faltered but I kept it plastered on my face. “I’m sure they do,” I said. I hadn’t talked to either of my parents in about four years. We’d gotten in a fight about Mack, of course. They’d wanted me to leave – they’d tried convincing me that it was the best thing for me. But I’d refused, and they’d said they couldn’t continue to support me when I was with someone who was so blatantly horrible to me. It had hurt at the time, but it was what I’d expected. After all, Mack had been pressuring me to cut ties with my family ever since I graduated high school. But it still stung that they didn’t want me around anymore.
I remembered my mom’s words like I’d just heard them yesterday: “Anita, we love you. And as soon as you want to break up with Mack and come back to us, we’ll welcome you with open arms. But we can’t support our daughter staying in a relationship with a man like that.” She’d sounded so bitter, like I was a failure. I’d shrunk back from her words like they were poison. Mom and Dad hadn’t known much about what went on between Mack and myself. They didn’t know that he’d ever laid a hand on me. They just didn’t like him because he was a biker, and because I was their goody-two-shoes daughter from the right side of the tracks.
In a way, it had made me feel slightly vindicated to ignore them. They don’t know him, I’d thought as I left their house for the last time. They don’t know that he can be a good man, a decent man who treats me well.
That feeling didn’t last long. Of course, that night, the abuse started up again and I had a black eye and a fat, busted lip before morning.
“Anita, why don’t you call them?” Susan asked in a gentle voice. “I’m sure they’d love to hear from you now.” She raised her eyebrows like she was a psychologist giving me much-needed advice. “You shouldn’t try to live without involving your parents in your life. They always love you, even if they’re not the best at showing that.”
I pursed my lips. “It’s fine,” I said.
When the waiter came with our food, I was relieved for the distraction. Susan had ordered a bowl of soup and a big platter of rolls – secretly I wondered how she could eat so much – and she dug in almost immediately. My California roll and lobster king roll looked delicious, but I wasn’t hungry. I picke
d up my chopsticks and broke them in half, rubbing the tips together and picking up an end piece of the roll.
When the food was halfway to my mouth, I was hit with the most revolting, disgusting stench that I’d ever smelled in my whole life. It was like rotten fish, garbage, and sewage all stirred together. The bile rose in my throat before I could force it back down and I quickly dropped the piece of sushi on the floor before covering my mouth with my hand and bolting off to the bathroom.
The only good thing about the whole event was that Café Nori had single stall bathrooms, and Susan couldn’t follow me in. I puked until my throat was raw, filling the bowl with hot, sour liquid that tasted like it had come from something dead and rotting. The smell was enough to make my eyes water and tears streamed down my face as I gushed vomit into the toilet.
When I was done, I washed my mouth out and patted my sweaty face with a paper towel. The pad felt hot and coarse against my skin and I closed my eyes, suddenly dizzy.
Susan eyed me cautiously as I approached the table. The rotten smell was still there, threatening to turn my stomach with each passing second.
