by Ashley Hall
“I think there’s something wrong with my food,” I said as quietly as I could manage. Café Nori was practically empty and I didn’t want the staff to hear me being rude. “It smells really horrible for some reason. I’ll just box it up and throw it away when we get back to the office.”
Susan opened her mouth like she was going to reply, then closed her lips before she could get any words out. “Anita,” she said slowly, almost like she was suddenly nervous about something. “I hate to say this…but your food’s fine,” she said softly. “I can smell it from here, and it smells amazing. Want me to try a piece?”
My jaw dropped and my mouth hung open. “Sure,” I managed to choke out.
Susan reached down with her chopsticks and lifted a piece of lobster king roll between them. She popped it into her mouth and chewed, then smiled at me cautiously. “It’s fine,” she said. “Are you….feeling okay?”
I sighed. I’d been lying to her all afternoon, but suddenly I didn’t feel like keeping up the charade any longer. “No,” I said bitterly, shaking my head. “No. I feel like shit. I just threw up the entire contents of my stomach, and I still smell that horrible smell. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
Susan licked her lips, then set her chopsticks down and took a long swallow of water. “I hate to ask this, but is there any chance you could be pregnant?”
I could feel my eyebrows flying up before I could stop them. I stared at Susan, wide-eyed and openmouthed.
“No,” I lied. “No. There’s no chance at all.”
# # #
When we got back to the office after lunch, I told Susan I was sick and that I was going home. After sending an email to my bosses, I grabbed my stuff and hightailed it out of the office before anyone could ask any more questions. To be fair, I did look sick: I looked downright wretched. My skin was green and I couldn’t stop the waves of nausea that were now threatening to drown me in their wake. Thankfully, no one asked any questions as I darted out of the office and down the street to where I’d parked my car.
Durango wasn’t like Carlsbad, that was for sure. Instead of big parking garages, there were empty lots all over the place. I hustled over to my beat-up car, an old Volvo I’d driven in high school. My stomach heaved again and I had to pause and brace myself against the roof before opening the door and climbing inside. My parents had bought me the car for my sixteenth birthday, and then I’d blown them off to go hang out with Mack. When I thought of it now, I felt shame and sadness.
But there was no way I could call them, not with everything going on. After a few minutes, I felt marginally less sick so I hopped inside and drove to the nearest drug-store. As I drove, I tried to count how many weeks had passed since I’d had my last period. It was more than a few. I had stopped taking birth control before I left Mack, although there was a chance he could have tampered with it. That thought threatened to make me puke again, and I had to pull over to the side of the road and wait for the nausea to subside.
Finally, I was able to pull into the parking lot of a CVS. As I picked out a pregnancy test from the shelf, my hands were shaking. My palms were sweaty and damp, and I almost dropped the damn thing a number of times before I made it to the register to pay. Thankfully, the kid working barely even looked at me as I swiped my credit card and stuffed the pink box inside my purse before anyone else had time to see me.
At home, I paced nervously in the kitchen. I’d set a timer for three minutes, and it seemed to take forever. I flipped the stick over and stared at the box. I could see the fluid spreading over the tip and I bit my lip as I closed my eyes, waiting impatiently for the result.
Pregnant.
I groaned and closed my eyes as soon as the word appeared in the little pink box. If this was right, I was fucked.
Chapter Three
Anita – Four Years Ago
I woke up that morning feeling excited and nervous, like butterflies were swarming around in my stomach. I had turned eighteen two weeks ago, and today was the morning of my high school graduation.
“Honey, I made pancakes,” Mom said as I slipped into the kitchen and hopped on a stool by the breakfast bar. “Your favorite, right?”
I nodded. “I’m hungry,” I admitted. My stomach growled and we both laughed. It was a rare moment. Things had been tense in the house for a long time. Ever since I’d told Mom and Dad that I didn’t plan to go to a four-year school, only community college, they’d been upset with me. Of course, the real plan was for me to move in with Mack as soon as graduation was over. But they didn’t know that, at least not yet. My stomach twisted over and I tasted a sour taste in my mouth.
“Here you go,” Mom said. She slid a plate of whole-wheat pancakes encrusted with blueberries towards me on the counter. “I hope you enjoy these.” She muttered something else under her breath. “And how are things, Anita?”
I gulped some orange juice and wiped my mouth on the back of my hand, ignoring Mom’s stern glare. “They’re fine,” I said. “I mean, I’m happy to be graduating.” I pulled a face. “But I hate those stupid gowns. I wish I didn’t have to wear one.”
Mom sighed. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime event, Anita,” she said calmly. “And soon, you’ll be in college and studying hard. Tonight is your chance to celebrate. Are your friends doing anything afterwards?”
I shook my head. I had plans with Mack – we were going to sneak into the woods and get drunk. That was what we normally did on the weekends. Secretly, I thought he had a surprise for me. After all, we’d been dating for four years! But I didn’t want to pester him and ask, because I knew he got angry when I asked too many questions.
“What about Melody and Karen?” Mom needled. “I’m sure Melody’s parents are throwing a big party. Doesn’t that sound fun?”
I shook my head, not wanting to tell her that I’d barely talked to Melody or Karen all year. Ever since I’d started going steady with Mack, he’d told me that he didn’t really like me blowing him off for girls from school. I’d always thought that was kind of controlling, but it seemed to make him happy when I listened to him and ignored my former best friends. It hurt to think about sometimes, but after all, I had Mack. He was all I needed. We were so in love – I couldn’t wait to finally begin our adult lives together! I grinned whenever I thought of it. We’d get a cute little apartment, and I’d fix it up, and Mack could help me with the harder stuff. I thought of us cocooned in our little love nest, happy and oblivious to the rest of the world.
“Anita, what’s wrong? You’re daydreaming,” Mom scolded. “Your pancakes are getting cold. Don’t you want them?”
“Yeah,” I lied. I cut a small piece and pushed it around on the plate with the tines of my fork, sopping up all of the syrup that Mom had poured over the pancakes. She kept her eyes trained on me. “This is good,” I said after taking the bite. It was good; Mom was a good cook. But I was still too nervous.
“Anita, spill,” Mom said. She put her hands on her hips and stared at me. “I know you well enough to know when you’re lying to me. Haven’t you thought of how your lying affects me, too?”
I bit my lip. “Mom, I’m moving in with Mack,” I said. The words tumbled out of my mouth and I cringed. I hadn’t even had a chance to think about them yet, and that wasn’t how I’d wanted to tell her. I’d wanted the speech to be eloquent, firm, me living on my own and that was that.
Mom frowned. “Anita,” she said slowly. “Do you really think that’s a good idea?” She bit her lower lip. “Don’t you think that you should, you know, maybe cool it between the two of you for a while? You’ll be going to community college soon, and you’ll need to focus on your studies.” She let out a little laugh that I recognized as one of her nervous tics. “Don’t you think so? I mean, what can Mack possibly give you at this point? Is he even working?”
“Mom, god,” I sighed in exasperation, pushing the plate of pancakes away from me. “He’s a mechanic. You know that. And he’s in a motorcycle club.”
M
om closed her eyes briefly. “Yes, I know,” she said. Her voice was strained and tense. “But Anita, do you really think it’s wise to become involved with someone like that? At this time in your life? We just want what’s best for you, honey.”
“I have to go,” I said, hopping down from the breakfast bar and swinging my backpack over my shoulder. “I’m supposed to meet Mack and I don’t wanna be late.”
Mom didn’t say anything as I darted out of the house. Instead, she watched me go with a sad look on her face. I felt guilty, like something was tugging at my heartstrings, but the guilt wasn’t enough to make me turn around and go back in. I was eighteen. I was an adult now, finally. And there wasn’t anything Mom could do to make me stop wanting to be with Mack.
Mack met me on the outskirts of town. “Hey,” he said shortly. “You’re late. Where the fuck were you?”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re so moody these days,” I teased. “I was having breakfast with my mom.”
“What’s that nosy cunt want now?”
I always had an odd mix of feelings when Mack spoke about my mother, a combination of guilt and wanting to laugh uncontrollably. My parents had never liked Mack, and they’d never made a secret of it. But that didn’t change anything.
“She’s trying to make me feel shitty about moving in with you,” I said as I sidled up to Mack and wrapped an arm around his bulky waist. He lit two cigarettes in his mouth and passed one to me. Wordlessly, I took it and inhaled. I didn’t even know when I’d started smoking – sometime after being with Mack. But now I loved cigarettes. They calmed me down and perked me up exactly when I needed it.
“Well, she’s a bitch, and she’s fuckin’ nosy,” Mack said. He spat on the ground. “We goin’ for a ride or what?”
“I have to be at school by eleven,” I said in a small voice. “It’s graduation rehearsal.”
Mack laughed. “That’s retarded,” he said. He stared at me. “They fuckin’ want you to practice? How hard is it to walk in a goddamned line?”
I swallowed. “It’s mandatory,” I said in the same small voice. “If you skip, they don’t let you walk.”
“That’s fuckin’ bullshit,” Mack said. “You meeting a guy?” He threw his cigarette butt on the ground and crushed it with the heel of his motorcycle boot. “You fuckin’ some jock asshole, some football player behind my back?”
“No, no,” I said quickly, holding up my hands. “Mack, it was just a joke. Relax!”
Mack growled. “Don’t fuckin’ tell me what to do, bitch,” he said in a nasty voice.
Tears welled up in my eyes and I blinked. There was a lump forming in my throat and I stared at the ground so I wouldn’t start to cry in front of the man I loved.
“Mack,” I said slowly. “That hurt my feelings.” I looked up at him, expecting an apology. I didn’t know what to do – after all, we’d been together for years. We loved each other! Just because he was in a bad mood didn’t mean anything, right?
“Fuck your feelings,” Mack said. “I don’t have to waste my time on a no-tit high school baby who thinks being a slut with some jock is going to do her any favors.” He started to climb on the back of his motorcycle and I stared, rooted to the ground.
He’s not actually going to leave me, I thought. Desperation welled up inside my stomach and before I knew what I was doing, I stepped forward and wrapped my hands around his leather-clad muscular arm.
“Mack, please,” I begged. “Please don’t go! I wasn’t doing anything! I wasn’t doing anything at all! I promise, I’ve never slept with anyone but you!”
He turned to me and stared down. “You fuckin’ sure? Do I have to fuckin’ check your panties?”
I shook my head frantically, tears spilling down my cheeks. My heart was pounding in my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. “No, no, god no,” I said. “I promise! I’ve never slept with anyone else!”
Mack’s expression softened. “Good,” he said. “Don’t let me catch you fuckin’ around with any jocks, Anita. I’ll see you tonight.”
Before I had a chance to reply, he took off.
The rest of the day didn’t go so well. I was late to rehearsal, and found it just as boring as Mack had predicted it would be. This is stupid, he was right, I thought as I walked slowly in formation with the rest of my graduating class. Plus, I was lonely. Ever since I stopped talking to Melody and Karen, I didn’t really have any friends at school. They’d spread rumors about me and now people stared at me all the time. I didn’t really care about what anyone was saying behind my back, but it hurt all the same.
Finally, when it came time to march that night for real, I was so bored that I thought I’d fall asleep. Wearily, I walked down the aisle with some guy on the other side of me that I’d never seen. Instinctively, it made me nervous – I knew Mack wouldn’t like me walking next to a guy. But when I’d tried to protest, the graduation coordinator had laughed in my face and told me the rules were rules for a reason. It didn’t make any sense – graduation was already a stupid, outdated ritual. But I didn’t push back. I knew Mom and Dad would be in the audience, and I didn’t want to make them any angrier than they already were.
I hadn’t heard from Mom all day. I figured that she’d told Dad about what I’d said, and I was dreading his response. But I realized confidently that even if they tried to prohibit me from leaving, I’d be able to say no. I was eighteen, a legal adult, and I had a boyfriend who loved me. Mack was my future. I wished more than anything that my parents would realize that, and embrace him as a son-in-law, but I didn’t see that day coming any time soon.
When the principal called my name, I walked across the stage blushing hard. There was only a smattering of applause – kids were clapping for their friends, and I realized morosely I wasn’t really anyone’s “friend.” I was just an acquaintance, someone they’d gone to school with. I didn’t even think anyone would add me on Facebook when college started. The principal handed me my diploma and patted me on the back, then I walked to my seat and sat down heavily.
I hadn’t seen Mack in the audience. He’d promised me that he was going to come, but I was starting to panic and worry that he’d decided to break up with me after all. I started cursing myself for being so stupid. Why had I picked that fight with him earlier? Why hadn’t I been quicker to apologize? I’m such a moron, I thought as the tears started to come back. I don’t deserve a boyfriend like Mack. I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life, a fucking spinster.
The rest of the ceremony dragged. Finally, it was over. I wanted to run away and call Mack as soon as I could, but my parents found me before I could escape. Mom pulled me into a tight hug. I could tell that she’d been crying.
“Honey, your mother told me all about your decision to move out,” Dad said. I bit my lip, expecting a verbal assault. Instead, he smiled sadly. “And I think you’re right. You’re eighteen now, an adult. It’s time you try things on your own instead of relying on us any longer. I’m proud of you, and I know you’ll do the right thing.”
An unexpected feeling of sadness came over me and I hugged Dad tightly. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so nice to me – it definitely hadn’t happened in recent memory, that was for sure. Growing up, I’d always been closer to Mom than Dad. But I was surprised at the feelings of regret that were bubbling up inside of me.
I pulled away. Dad cleared his throat, his cheeks slightly flushed. It was the only time I’d ever seen him anything less than completely stoic.
“Anita, we’re proud of you,” Dad said again. He reached into his jacket and pulled out an envelope. “This is for you. We want you to use it for school, but it’s your money – you can do with it as you like.”
I gasped as I opened the envelope. Inside was a check for five thousand dollars. I stared at it for a few seconds, feeling numb.
“Dad, are you sure? This is a lot of money,” I hissed. My parents weren’t wealthy, and I couldn’t imagine them sparing this kind of money, just fo
r me. After all, I was nothing. I was just a dumb kid who’d barely graduated from high school.
Mom nodded. “Yes, honey. That’s for you,” she said. I noticed that her smile was stretched tightly across her face – she was obviously having a lot of trouble with the whole concept of me moving out. For a second, the urge to throw myself in her arms and have her stroke my hair came over me. I felt homesick and I hadn’t even left home yet. But when I thought of Mack, the urge disappeared and I smiled for real.
“Thanks Mom, thanks Dad,” I said sincerely, tucking the envelope inside my purse.
Part of me expected them to invite me out to dinner, and I was surprised when Dad said that he had to get home.
“There’s a James Bond movie on that your father wants to watch,” Mom stage-whispered to me as she leaned in for another brief hug. “We’ll talk to you soon.” She swallowed hard and cleared her throat. “Are you going out with Mack?”
