Shelby’s Angels: Sometimes I’m Not

by Stephanie Burke

  “Yes, Shelby.” Again in harmony, but this time, they almost seemed chastened. Like little school boys.

  “Very good, boys. I’ll be seeing you, and remember -- no stains on the dresses.” And with that, she sent her little drag princesses out into the cold cruel world.

  Actually, she sent them a few blocks down the street and to the left, but the way Delsin dragged his pretty pedicured feet made it seem they walked into hell.

  Watching them leave, Shelby shook her head, then turned, hearing a suspicious sniff behind her.

  “Will, baby? What’s wrong?” There was just the hint of tears in his eyes as they watched the two men make their way out into the dangerous streets.

  “You raise them up the best you can, and you prepare them for this kind of thing, Shelby. But when the baby birds leave the nest…” He sniffed again and watched the two forms disappear down the street.

  “Baby birds? Those two?” Shelby’s face twisted up into an expression of great confusion. “Those shrews?”

  “I do hope they’ll be fine, Shelby. This is their first case all alone. I just worry so.” He sniffed again and wiped at a tear trickling down his face.

  “Right,” Shelby snorted, then realized things were quiet in Angels.

  Raidon was out scouting and gathering information, Barika was locked in the computer room, gathering intel, and the rest of the boys were sleeping off their hot time in the old basement last night. She looked up at her big teddy bear of a man, a hungry gleam in her eye and an itch starting below her belt. “Wanna go fuck?”

  “Okay!” Just like that, the tears cleared up and Will was leading Shelby back to their rooms.

  So much for the baby birds, Shelby thought, then she caught sight of a half-empty sex basket and snatched it up as Will sped her past the living room.

  Apparently, when the baby birds were away, the mommy and daddy got to play in the nest! “Ohh!” she purred. Will led them through the bedroom door, then soundly closed and locked it behind them. “Heating lotion. Bubble gum flavored. My favorite!”

  * * *

  Del and Shen and their suitcases filled with fake boobies and gowns guaranteed to give them a figure stood outside the gray steel door and contemplated what to do next.

  “You knock,” Shen said, a cute little pout on his face as he crossed his arms defensively.

  “Why should I?” Delsin snapped back, crossing his own arms and staring at his teammate.

  “Because I’m too delicate to bruise my knuckles on the cold steel door.”

  “As am I!” Del snapped. “I’m a descendant of gods! I was pampered in my --”

  “Village!” Shen snapped, rolling his eyes. “Tiny small dirt-filled hovel of a village!”

  “How dare you speak of my township in such a manner? I have you know we were practicing courtly refinements before you and your barbaric people sliced off your first heads in the name of honor!”

  “At least we had swords!” Shen shot back, nose up in the air. “Your people were using elephants to stomp the heads off people in the name of honor.”

  “What do you know of honor, China Man?” Delsin growled. He took a step closer to Shen.

  “I know once a connection is made between two people, it is dishonorable for another to begin to flirt and tease.”

  “I would never --”

  “And you prove to be a liar as well as dishonorable.”

  “What are you speaking of?” Now Delsin was genuinely confused and he didn’t like it one bit.

  “Since your brains seemed to have been depleted at last night’s orgy, I’ll tell you. I’m speaking of --” His eyes took on a dreamy cast. “-- the luscious and delectable Feenixxx.”

  “Since when do you like girls?” Delsin asked, stumped. He remembered flirting a bit with the tall black goddess, but he felt it was safe. Shen never went for women.

  “Who said anything about girls?” Shen snapped.

  “Feenixxx --” Del began.

  “Is the most exquisite male I have ever beheld.”

  “Male?”

  Before the conversation could go any further, there was a loud clang and the metal door swung open. “I was wondering if you two ladies were going to stand out here all day, or if you were actually going to have some guts and knock on the damn door.”

  Trevah, The Thunder blah, blah, blah, was standing at the door, in all her four feet five inches of glory. She eyed both Shen and Delsin critically. “Sure, you are pretty enough to pass, but are you any good?” She tapped a long, red, lacquered nail against her waist, which was squeezed into the tightest black leather corset either male had ever laid eyes on.

  Her ample bosom seemed to be pushed almost up to her neck and bobbed hypnotically as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Her short styled hair was a combination of golds and browns, and was razored within an inch of its life, its wild spikes sprouting out attractively over her small head.

  Her lips were full and lush, painted the same red as her nails, her eyes an amber, wolf-like hue. But even with all her intimidating features, the razor nails, the bitch shoes and corset, the devil may care attitude, she still gave off the impression of a small puppy nipping at one’s heels.

  “Good?” Delsin asked for the both of them.

  “Oh! She must mean blow jobs and hand jobs and other learned skills,” Shen said, bouncing a little as he looked over at Delsin. “Those are highly marketable skills.”

  “Oh!” Del said, brightening up a bit. “I’m flexible enough to suck my own dick.”

  “You can?” Shen asked, staring wide-eyed at his fellow Angel. “Can you teach me?”

  “But I thought you were mad at me,” Delsin said, confused.

  “Before you two get any ideas about sex shows, I have to tell you we run a clean and law abiding business here!” Trevah said. She gave a little leap, waving her arms to get the men’s attention, but was ignored.

  “I am,” Shen said in a thoughtful tone. “But if you teach me to blow myself, imagine the time I would save on wining and dining a potential mouth! Not to mention no one gives better head than I do, so I can completely please myself.” A grin tugged at his lips and his eyes glittered at Delsin.

  “Humph.” Del rolled his eyes at Shen, then finally focused on Trevah who was jumping up and down in her high heels trying to get their attention. “Female,” Del said, “if you need to use the lavatory facilities, I’m sure they are provided somewhere within.”

  “Yes,” Shen snorted as their hostess’ mouth dropped open. She slammed it shut and crossed her arms over her impressive bosom. “And if you will kindly remove yourself from blocking the doorway,” he continued, “we can continue this conversation about legalities inside. I hope your liquor license is updated.”

  “And what skills do you possess?” Delsin asked. “I would assume blow jobs must come easily to you, as you are only crotch high to most males.” He hefted his case and walked past Trevah, whose mouth remained open in shock.

  “Delsin, that’s rude!” Shen walked past Trevah, patting her slightly on the head with his free hand, then twisted his face up in disgust as his fingers came back tacky. “And you really need to wash the semen from your hair if your lover has bad aim. It may be protein-based, but the alkalinity may damage your hair.”

  Then to Delsin, “Blow jobs can’t be one of his skills. It’s all in his hair!”

  “ ‘His?’ ” Delsin sounded surprised.

  Shen quickly followed down the short, dark hall, leaving behind a stunned Trevah, and found himself entering a large, lighted dressing room.

  “Trevah has a penis,” Shen stated, then smiled, ignoring Delsin’s gasp of disbelief.

  “All true.” Shen tried not to wince at the characters lounging about the room in all manner of undress. “Hello. I am Shen.”

  By then, Trevah recovered enough to walk into the dressing area, and was immediately assaulted by Delsin.

  “No! Trevah does not have a penis!” Before anyone co
uld move, he reached out and stuck his hand beneath her skirt, cupping a handful of… taped cock and balls.

  “Hey!” Trevah managed, her -- his -- voice dropping several octaves as he batted at Delsin’s arm. “You stop that! That will cost you, honey, and you don’t look like you can afford me!”

  “Charging is illegal!” Shen gasped, upset that this creature was charging for things in Feenixxx’s place of business. “And after you just spouted your words about legalities! Shame on you!”

  He placed his hands on his hips and gave Trevah the sternest glare he could manage.

  The other three queens in the room exploded in laughter. “Looks like you over-thought your position with that one, darling.” A tall, slim redhead sat in a chair running an electric razor over a light afternoon beard. She turned away from her mirror and smirked. “You still trying to play rooster in the hen house, Trevah, darling?”

  “Get your hand out of there!” a flushed Trevah snapped, her eyes blazing as she tried to push Delsin away.

  “Oh, my Gods, please tell me you’re not using duct tape!” He looked a little pale, ignoring Trevah’s attempts to get away. He fingered the interesting knot of tape and string holding the queen’s cock and balls in place.

  This of course sent the redhead into peals of laughter. She rose to her feet and dropped her shaver onto her makeup table.

  “Trevah believes in doing things the archaic way.” She approached the two newbies and daintily stuck out one manicured hand, palm down. “Dickcoatoff, but you can call me Dickie, sweetie.”

  “Charmed.” Shen’s look of horror was replaced by one of delight as he reached out and took that tiny hand in his and raised it to his lips. “I am Shen, and the one playing juggle the balls with the illegal whore in training is known as Del.”

  “How charming!” Dickie grinned and turned to point to the other two queens in the room. “The short blonde diva with the to-die-for lips is Meri-Cherry Quite Contrary, but is simply known as Mer.”

  The blonde in question smiled and winked before she rose to her feet and ran hands down an impressive curvaceous figure.

  “Charmed,” she breathed, her voice deep and sultry.

  “And the quiet brunette --”

  “Sable!” the queen in question corrected as she also rose to her feet and gave a shake of her tassel-clad boobies.

  “Did I say quiet?” Dickie good-naturedly rolled her eyes. “The quiet sable is Dove Barr. We all just call her Dove.”

  “A pleasure.” Shen grinned, then turned to Del. “If you’re through fingering the prostitute…”

  “I am not a prostitute!” Trevah snapped, finally managing to push Del away. She slammed her hands across her chest in a huff.

  “You informed Delsin he would have to pay for your services,” Shen politely stated. “What is that, if not prostitution?”

  “I was trying to get him off me!”

  “You use duct tape?” Del stated again, still looking horrified. “But… but… but tape will irritate your skin! It will cause a rash! Have you no pride?”

  The room exploded into laughter, and Trevah turned a shade of red that matched her lipstick. “You two will not be working here long!” she snapped before she turned and stalked out of the room.

  “Don’t let her get to you.” Dove shimmied across the room, her tassels swaying madly. “Trevah is a bitch and she thinks she has seniority over all of us, just ’cause she’s been here the longest.”

  Once she reached Shen and Del, she began to circle them both, critically examining them from head to toe. “You both have a great head of hair. Yours, I take it?”

  “Yes.” Shen tossed his hair over his shoulders and smiled.

  “To have my hair other than it is would be a great insult to my ancestors.” Del reached back to grab a comforting armful of his hair. “It has never been cut, only trimmed to maintain its heath and beauty.”

  “You have to trade tips, hon,” Mer purred as she took her seat again. “I go through hell trying to keep mine in order.”

  “Well,” Dickie pointed to a spot where three empty vanities sat, “make yourselves at home over there. Camellia and Christi will be here later and you two have to get into costume for rehearsal.”

  “Rehearsal?”

  Shen and Del shared a confused look. Dove took over where Dickie had paused.

  “You didn’t think you would get out of it today, did you?” She smiled brightly, but it dimmed a bit as she continued. “Peppa and Quim aren’t here anymore. You’ll have to begin to learn the order in which we perform.”

  “Peppa and Quim?” Del asked, as Shen began to unpack his suitcase.

  “They… well, they just up and disappeared.” Dove sighed. “I hope they found someone to love or some gig better than this. The alternative is unthinkable.”

  “Alternative?” Del realized they were speaking of the missing queens.

  “Yeah, that someone snatched them off of the streets or something.”

  “Snatched!” With just the right amount of shock in his voice, Shen turned from unpacking his makeup and stared at Dove.

  “Conjecture,” Dickie soothed. “No one knows what happened. That’s why Feenixxx went out and scoured you two.”

  “And speaking of scour…” Mer added. “I think it’s time for the two of you to get clean and neat and all pretty for your performance. You got all you need?”

  It was time for Del to rely on Shen, because although he could do makeup as befitted one who was a descendent of a god, he had no idea what to do with the…

  “Prosthetic boobs,” Shen said with a grin, pulling out two latex and silicone breasts and presenting them to Delsin, one jiggling mammary in each hand.

  “Ohh!” Dickie purred. “I am saving up for some of those! Do you guys need any help?”

  “No, we’re both quite capable,” Shen assured. He pushed the jiggling breasts into Del’s hands and pulled out a canister of medical adhesive and a case of body makeup.

  “Well, then we have to go. Ladies?” Dickcoatoff gestured to her two friends, and the happy trio exited the room, laughing and speaking about the two new girls.

  Once the door was closed, Del, still juggling the boobies, walked over and slid the sturdy steel lock into place.

  “These things are heavy,” he commented as he walked back, the cool latex feeling amazingly lifelike in his hands.

  “They will feel even more so after I adhere them to your chest.”

  “What?”

  “I adhere the prosthetic breasts to your chest, Delsin. Or did Puawai suckle out all of your brains in last night’s orgy?”

  “Back to that.” Del stopped in front of an empty vanity and dropped the boobs with a fleshy plop.

  “Yes, back to that. You acted without honor, Delsin. I’m ashamed of you!”

  Tears began to fill Del’s eyes, and he rapidly blinked to hold them back. Salt water, even the saline from one’s own eyes, was not good for the skin.

  “How could I act without honor, Shen? I had no idea you’d made a claim to the female.”

  “Male!”

  “You said that before. How can you tell, Shen?”

  “It’s a gift. I not only have gaydar, I have Doppler! I can easily spot a man in a dress, Del. I made my claim and Feenixxx is mine!”

  “I didn’t know!” Delsin sighed, appalled he’d inadvertently interrupted his friend’s hunt.

  “Having no knowledge of a situation is no excuse for bad manners, Delsin.” Shen pouted, just a little, as Delsin’s tears began to dry up.

  “I’m sorry, Shen.” Delsin sighed. “I had no idea Feenixxx was yours, or that Feenixxx was a man. Can you forgive me? For the sake of this case?”

  “I… I guess I shall, Delsin,” Shen agreed. “Until this case is over and I get to take my vengeance physically.”

  “A challenge to satisfy honor?”

  “Yes. I accept.”

  “Good!” Shen grinned. “We can settle this the old fashioned, honorable
way. The day after this case is solved.”

  “Agreed!” Delsin said, bowing slightly to his friend to solidify their temporary truce.

  “Wonderful!” Shen giggled and began to ruffle through the case. “Now if you remove your shirt, I shall attach your breasts!”

  Chapter Four

  “Well, shit!”

  Camille, known as Caramello to her legions of fans, stopped playing the piano as the two figures calmly made their way to the curtains on the left wing of the stage.

  “Are we in the right place?” Shen asked, chocolate colored eyes wide in delight as he took in the not so glamorous glamour of a lighted stage. A few of the sets were held together with duct tape, and the wooden stage was badly scuffed. Bright lights were definitely a drag queen’s worst nightmare.

  “Darling, you’d better be!” Caramello laughed, her light amber eyes glistening as she took in what Feenixxx had sent her way.

  Turning her attention back to Dove, who was watching the newcomers, she reminded, “Keep the tempo, girl! The voice is right, but if you want to channel Tina Turner, you have got to keep the rhythm!”

  Nodding, Dove giggled, then rushed to where Del and Shen were standing. “Ohh! You both look so exotic!” She spread her arms and let her wide smile take over her face. “I could never wear silks like that! I’d look like someone playing dress up!”

  “But Mommies,” Dickie added with a clap and a laugh. “You are both working it!”

  “This old thing?” Del giggled, turning around to let the ladies get a good look at him.

  “But do they have talent?” Trevah snapped, walking onto the side of the stage where Caramello stood by her piano.

  “Feenixxx would not have sent them otherwise, girl.” Caramello motioned Shen and Del over. When the duo reached her piano, she asked, “What are you going to do?”

  “Um, I have a lyre,” Shen said with a smile. “I thought I would perform a traditional song in Mandarin. It is called ‘Splitting the Peach’.”

  “Never heard of it,” Cara informed him with the air of a teacher instructing a student.

  “Oh,” he gasped. “It is wonderful, one of my favorites!” Leaning forward, he began to tell the tale. “It is about a Duke and his male lover. While in his youth, the concubine was revered and much beloved by his Duke. Once, he even took the Duke’s carriage when he heard his mother was ill. Taking a Duke’s carriage is a crime punishable by removal of your feet. The concubine saved his mother’s life and returned to accept his punishment, but how could the Duke punish him for one of the attributes that made him love the concubine so fiercely? He instead praised him for his loyalty and bravery, and the devotion he showed by returning to take his punishment.”