Shelby’s Angels: Sometimes I’m Not

by Stephanie Burke

  “I’ll advise you not to look too closely,” Shen called as Dove reached the door. The room went silent as they all waited with bated breath for Shen to drop the next bomb. “He eats like a baboon.”

  “Thanks, Shen!” Dove groaned, then walked out, giggling. “Dinner will be interesting.”

  Any reply, once again, was drowned out as the queens inside howled.

  Chapter Six

  One by one, the queens exited the room, going off to their separate places, and soon only Shen and Del were left in the room.

  “Shen.” Del approached after a moment of silence between the two.

  “Yes?” Shen released his hair from its bun and shook the long, inky locks out.

  “I really, really am sorry about Feenixxx. I didn’t know.”

  “I know,” Shen said, picking up a brush and running it through his hair.

  “I mean --” Del took a moment to collect his thoughts. “I need to know I can count on you, Shen. It is only the two of us here.”

  “You can count on me, Delsin,” Shen said, gesturing mildly with his brush. “I’ll never let personal get in the way of business. Unless it has to deal with personal hygiene products or beauty aids, not that I need enhancements.”

  Del’s eyes widened in shock. “I would never come between a man and his beauty products, Shen! That… is not becoming in a male.” He sniffed, a single, horrified tear rolling down his cheek, as he stared at his friend.

  “I’m so sorry,” Shen blurted. “That was beneath me.” He rose to his feet and extended his arms to his comrade-in-arms.

  “That really hurt!” Del sniffled, but allowed the embrace.

  “I would never accuse you of something so low.” Tears welled in Shen’s eyes as well. “That would be beneath us both! It is worse than stealing a job or a man!”

  “A job and a man, I can forgive.” Del brought himself under control. “But personal care products? I would kill myself first.”

  “You are indeed a man of honor.” Shen reined in his tears so he wouldn’t give his eyes those horrid red lines. “But I’ll still kick your ass for coming in between the lovely Feenixxx and I.”

  “You may indeed try.” Del snorted, pulling away and gracefully wiping one tear from his face. He knew his eyes looked their best when they were just a bit glassy. “But you will lose in the end, even if you get the man.”

  “Get?”

  “Yes, get!” Del took a step back and glared at Shen.

  “You only wanted him when you thought he was a woman. Not that he would fall for your overblown, vulgar looks.”

  “Overblown? Bitch!”

  “Whore!” Shen shouted back, arms akimbo as he glared with just enough intensity to make him look severe and passionate.

  “Slut!” Del hissed, narrowing his eyes to look dangerous.

  “Courtesan to you, you third-world sway-backed tramp!”

  Del smirked as his quick mind latched onto a phrase he had seen reduce other models to tears. “Your mother!”

  “I know!”

  But before the argument could get heated enough to lead to physical damage, the door opened and Cara walked in.

  “Ladies, there are some interesting people here to see you.”

  “Interesting?”

  Both men ran their hands over their hair and straightened their clothing.

  The sudden switch from violent tension to eager anticipation threw Cara for a moment.

  “Um, did I interrupt something?” Cara narrowed her eyes and placed one hand on her hip, glaring at the two queens. “Do we have a boggle I have to rectify? Because I will.”

  “Interesting?” Shen repeated, almost hopping in his eagerness. Could it be Feenixxx there, waiting for him?

  “Two guys that say they know you. But all that shit can and will wait if you two are cat fighting in here.”

  “This is nothing,” Del said, taking a step forward. “Who are these men who are here for us?”

  “Big black guy and a huge brown one.”

  “Rika!” Shen giggled, clapping his hands. “I wonder what toys he brought for me?”

  “Toys?” Cara asked, looking more than interested.

  “Oh, yes!” Shen added, a bit lost in his memories. “Rika has such wonderful toys! He has this twelve-inch --”

  “Shen!” Del snapped, rolling his eyes. His sharp tone pulled his partner from his mental orgy. “Don’t kiss and tell!”

  “Don’t pay me any attention,” Cara chortled. “I’ll live vicariously through you guys. Too busy to do anything else.”

  “Can they come back?” Del asked, sighing at the still dreamy look on Shen’s face. “Please?”

  “I’ll make an exception for boyfriends, but you had better keep them under control.”

  “Rika has wonderful control.” Shen sighed, ignoring the little shove Del gave him.

  Laughing, Cara withdrew, and within a few seconds the door was darkened by the huge shadow of the two other Angels.

  “Rika!” Shen giggled, running to his friend and clapping his hands in excitement. “What did you bring me?”

  Rolling his eyes, Barika stepped inside and gestured for Nalu to follow.

  “I got you a nice set of earrings.” He chuckled as Shen’s eyes lit up. “Special earrings.”

  “Special?”

  “Every word you utter will be picked up and relayed not only to those back in command, but onto a recording device, so behave accordingly.”

  “That’s it?” Shen wrinkled his nose for a moment, then remembered the rule about creasing your canvas and allowed the expression to drop. “Nothing for looking beautiful in my robes?”

  “But, Shen.” Rika chuckled, knowing Shen would need reassurance. “You are always beautiful.”

  “That is true,” the Chinese man allowed, then reached out a hand for the earrings. “And they had better not be gaudy. I don’t do gaudy.”

  “Of course not.” Rika pulled a jeweled case out of his jacket pocket and presented it with both hands. “Milady.”

  “Rika!” Shen sniffed. “I’m a man. Please treat me as such.”

  “Sorry.” Barika released the catch and the jeweled box opened up.

  “EEEEE!” Shen squealed, causing Barika to roll his eyes at the very feminine sound. “They are so perfect!”

  Nestled in the black velvet of the box rested a pair of fan-shaped, dangling, gold and diamond earrings.

  “Let me see!” Del interrupted, pushing in to stand beside Shen so he could peek. “Ohh! Pretty, even if the diamonds are not of the best quality.”

  “Must you disparage everything I have?” Shen snapped, slamming his hands on his hips and glaring at Del.

  “I was just stating an opinion.”

  “State it next when I beat it from your cadaverous body!” Shen returned, glaring death at the Indian man.

  “You and what army?”

  Seeing the situation quickly going downhill, Rika gestured to Nalu. “Nalu, why don’t you show your boyfriend what you got him?”

  Shrugging, Nalu reached into his pocket and pulled out a long, rectangular box. Stepping over curiously, Del reached out and retrieved the offering. “What is it?”

  “Open it and see,” Nalu quietly returned. It appeared he deigned to stay in this world for a bit, until his services were no longer needed and he could retreat to his usual plane of existence.

  Shrugging, Del opened the box to reveal an exquisite tiara crested by several amber beads and marquis cut emeralds.

  “Ohh!” he purred, lifting it from the box and smiling at the dazzling beads and jewels.

  “It is the same as Shen’s,” Rika informed him with a smile. “It will pick up anything you say and relay it back to us.” Turning to Shen again, he watched as the man set the expensive baubles in his ears. “There is also a homing signal that can be activated by us at any moment. If we feel you’re in any kind of danger, we will activate them, and we will arrive ready to do violence. Understand?”

 
Both men nodded, then turned to face their individual vanity tables, Shen to check his earrings and Del to adjust his headpiece so the jewel sat centered on his forehead.

  “Delsin, Shen, do you both understand me?” Rika asked, trying to be sure the guys were actually paying attention.

  “Yes, Rika!” they chorused together, adjusting the fit of their new jewelry before turning to face the others again.

  “Hey, you have boobs!” Nalu’s observation was a little late, but it proved he was becoming accustomed to paying attention to what was going on around him.

  “Yes,” Del chuckled, lifting his belly blouse and exposing his right breast. “And they’re murder on the back, though the heft of them is attractive. I want to get them pierced, but then I may sprout a leak!”

  He giggled as he fingered his nipples for the benefit of the two men, who developed a kind of amazed look.

  “How do they stay on?” Barika finally asked, scratching his head, baffled by the realistic looking boobs.

  “Adhesive, and quite a lot of it,” Shen answered. He opened his robes to expose a nice rack that seemed to be actually growing from his body.

  “Amazing!” Barika breathed, stepping forward and running a curious finger over the materials. He jumped a little when the realistic looking flesh jiggled at his touch.

  “Is it not?” Shen giggled, adjusting the obi that held his robes closed.

  Sighing, Del repaired his clothing as well. “You met Cara?” he asked as he turned to his mirror to ensure his breasts were indeed fully covered, and his sari was draped properly.

  “Yes,” Rika answered. Nalu was still staring at Del’s breasts. “What do you think? Could she be in on it?”

  “I think she cares for her people too much to wish them ill,” Shen answered with Del nodding in agreement. “But a few of the girls here need to be checked.”

  “Like who?” Rika asked, pulling a small PDA from his pocket.

  “Well, Trevah for one,” Del said with authority.

  “Yes,” Shen backed him up. “I believe he is selling his charms at bloated rates.”

  “Prostitution, got it,” Rika said. Pulling a stylus from a slot in the small computer, he began to take notes.

  “Dickcoatoff.”

  “What?” Nalu broke out of his daze to stare at Shen.

  “Dickcoatoff. Dickie. Nice enough queen, but could be a suspect. Besides, she has red hair!”

  “And that has what to do with it?” Rika looked up from his PDA, staring at Shen through long, dark eyelashes.

  “Red-haired people can be extremely violent and conniving.”

  “And your facts supporting this are?”

  “Blain.”

  There was a pause as Barika added Dickie to the list.

  “Anyone else?” Nalu asked, silently agreeing with what Shen said.

  “Meri-Meri, not quite a cherry,” Del added with a giggle.

  “Is that not a case of the pot calling the kettle black?” Shen snapped and turned his back on Del’s outraged face.

  “Meri…” Barika stopped writing and glared at the two men. “Are you serious?”

  “Meri-Meri Quite Contrary.” Shen grinned at Barika.

  “No,” Rika said, shaking his head. “I mean are you two still not over your little snit?”

  “Snit!” both fey men shrieked at the same time.

  “You need to work together. And if you can’t I call in Raidon to replace one of you.”

  “But… but that would be like admitting failure!” Del whined.

  “And we have not failed as of yet!” Shen pointed out, glaring at Barika.

  “Then you two need to get over it. Is there another name?”

  His tone brooked no argument, so Del snapped out, “Dove Barr. There are also a DJ and a bartender we have not made the acquaintance of.”

  “Okay, we’ll look tonight.” Barika replaced the stylus and slipped the PDA back into his pocket.

  “Now that we have delivered the goods and set ourselves up as your mates, we are going to go and research these names. We’ll be back in time for the show. You guy… ladies going to stay here?”

  “Yes.” Del rolled his eyes at the tall, dark man. “We will stay here and be good little dolls for your amusement.”

  “Then we will see you tonight,” said Barika.

  Nodding, Del and Shen crossed their arms and waited for them to go.

  “What? No kiss for daddy?” Nalu surprised them all by saying. “No kiss kiss?”

  “No wham bam either!” Del retorted, holding in a laugh.

  “If you won’t, I can and will!” Dickie purred, as she stepped into the room and caught the last comment. “Who’s the muscle head and his friend?”

  She gestured to Nalu and Rika, a predatory gleam in her eyes.

  “Mine and his!” Shen growled, narrowing his eyes at Dickie. He already had one man-stealer at his back -- he didn’t need another.

  “Possessive,” Dickie purred, but licked her lips, staring at Nalu.

  “He may be possessive, but I’m the dangerous one,” Del snapped, stepping between Dickie and Nalu, splaying one hand across Nalu’s meaty chest. “Mine! Back off!”

  “Understood!” Dickie grabbed a forgotten bauble from her vanity and turned to exit the room, chuckling. “If he were mine, I’d feel the same way. They going to be at the show tonight?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Nalu said politely.

  “Good! I’ll sing a special number just for you.”

  “You’ll be singing soprano if you don’t back off!” Shen snorted, backing Del up with his words.

  “You two are too cute!” Dickie giggled, then quit the room.

  “Put a red mark beside her name, Rika,” Del requested, glaring at the closed door.

  “Thought of something new?” he asked as he pulled out the PDA again.

  “No, just realizing what a bitch type whore Dickie can be,” Del snapped.

  Nothing more needed to be said. A big red star was placed beside Dickie’s name, thanks to a neat new program Rika had lifted from some animation site.

  * * *

  Just before Shen was to perform that night, Camellia -- Cammie -- the DJ, stalked up to them and growled, “I don’t do techno! Don’t ask!”

  Shen and Del stared at her.

  “Look at her trying to work that tired Donna Karan circa 1969 from Kmart!” Shen commented loudly, clicking his tongue at Cammie.

  Cammie froze in her tracks, and turned back to Shen, who stood just about her height.

  “And what is wrong with my clothing?”

  She was wearing a pair of hip-huggers that slung ridiculously low over her narrow hips. Her striped shirt was rather juvenile in Shen’s opinion, and the boyish bob did not work for a man trying to be a woman.

  “Well…” Del looked at Shen, who shrugged. Well, she asked!

  “First,” Del began, “Stripes make your chest look broader than it is. You should invest in prosthetics instead of rolling up your brother, father, or significant other’s sweat socks and stuffing them in your cheap bra. I can see your underwire and it gives you a look that was popular in the forties. I believe it was called ‘banana tits’.”

  “Bullet bra,” Shen added, sadly shaking his head at the outraged look on Cammie’s face. “And that shade of auburn hair dye makes your skin look much paler than it actually is.” He wagged a finger at the shocked queen. “A bronze or a blonde would suit you more, and if you prefer to go red, I would suggest gold highlights that shimmer.”

  “And hip-huggers should be worn with a jock strap!” Del chimed in. “I can see your lumps. Women may have camel toe, but no lumps.”

  “And clunky jewelry is so yesterday!” Shen shook his head sadly yet again, but his eyes were full of pity. “Swap meet junk should not be worn, no matter how retro the person who snatched it out of their child’s toy chest and shined it up before they sold it to you tells you it is!”

  “And the shoes! Do you plan to attack cockro
aches with those narrow tips?”

  By this time, Cammie had lost what little color she had in her face and stood stunned at the impromptu critique she was receiving. “How dare you?” she finally managed, her face morphing into a look of outrage.

  “You asked,” Del pointed out, grinning, proud they had provided such a needed service.

  “I… I…” Cammie stuttered.

  “You mentioned techno?” Del continued. “I’m rather fond of jazz myself. Do you have any Dizzy Gillespie?”

  “I like the blues!” Shen gave a little happy hop as he clapped his hands. “Etta James! She has the most divine voice!”

  “You bitches are sick!” Cammie snarled. She backed away, staring at the pair like they were escapees from Bedlam.

  “Bitches?” Shen stopped hopping and his eyes filled with fire. “To whom are you speaking, you oddly made-up, poorly contrived man?”

  “You! See a bitch, slap a bitch!” Cammie snarled, stepping forward aggressively.

  Before she could move an inch, Del was there, getting in her face. “No one touches that bitch in a violent way except me!”

  With his deep voice, flashing purple eyes, and a ready stance, Del was an imposing figure.

  Cammie backtracked, looked around the room to see if anyone was watching, then turned back to her DJ booth. “Fuck the both of you,” she muttered, trying to save face.

  “You are not worthy of that honor!” Shen called back, rolling his eyes at the stupidity of some men. Why, Cammie was acting more like a jealous woman with a grudge!

  Turning back to Del, Shen nodded once. “Definitely on the list… for poor dressing and an even poorer attitude!”

  Del nodded in agreement.

  The meeting with Christi went a little more smoothly.

  The jovial bartender was short and voluptuous, but practically dressed in dark jeans and a tight, white, scoop-necked shirt.

  “I saw that,” she giggled as Del and Shen walked over to the bar to request bottles of water.

  “That?” Del raised an eyebrow, his expression going blank.

  “How you handled Cammie. She’s okay, but she tries to intimidate the performers.”

  “That was supposed to be intimidating?” Del asked, rolling his eyes.