by Beth Rinyu
“I thought you said that he wasn’t nice.”
I turned around and looked at him. “Well, sometimes people change.”
Ryan smiled. “Well, this necklace is really cool. You think it will help me hit some home runs?”
“Maybe, Ryan.” I smiled.
He smiled as he looked down at the necklace in his hands. “I love you, Mom.”
I didn’t know what brought the tears to my eyes more: Ryan telling me he loved me or hearing him call me “Mom.”
“I love you too, Ryan. Always have and always will.”
I started my car and smiled inwardly. I was no longer that scared teenage girl that let everyone walk all over her. I was a mother, doing whatever it took to protect her child.
***
Dailan wrapped his arms tightly around Ryan when he got out of the car. “You okay, buddy?”
“Yeah, I am. Check this out, Uncle D. It’s a good luck charm. It was Babe Ruth’s!” Ryan opened up his hand to reveal the necklace that he was still clasping onto tightly.
Dailan looked at him strangely. “Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah, my mom’s friend Jonathan gave it to me.”
Dailan turned his attention to me, clearly waiting for an explanation. “Ryan, why don’t you go put that in your room so that you don’t lose it,” I said.
“Okay,” Ryan said excitedly, running into the house.
I waited until he was inside before I spoke. “He’s not pursuing the custody case. He’s the reason that Ryan is here right now, Dailan. He was able to find out from Rachel where he was.”
Dailan took me in his arms and kissed me on my head. “I’m so sorry, Nicole. I should have listened to you about her. I was wrong.” I looked at him and raised my eyebrow. “Yeah, don’t get used to hearing that because it doesn’t happen often.”
“Wow, that is a first!” I shook my head and smiled. I hugged him, tightly. “Someday, Dailan.”
“Someday what?”
“You will learn that I’m always right.”
Chapter 60
Nicole
The past…
It was my first day of college classes. I was nervous and excited. I worked my butt off all summer long at the diner and made more than enough money to get my own insurance policy and pay it off for the full year. In addition to giving me extra spending money, working helped to take my mind off of thinking about him and what he was doing, where he was at, or what milestone he was reaching. I was sitting on Dr. Sullivan’s big fluffy couch, watching her shift her glasses from her head and back down to her eyes for about the fifth time since our session had begun twenty minutes ago.
“Nicole, you’ve come a long way in these past few months. Going forward, what would you like to accomplish with our weekly sessions?”
“Well, I want the guilt to go away. I want to stop the pain in my heart when I’m reminded of him. I just want to think about him and be at peace with myself, knowing that I made the right choice.”
She shifted her glasses back to her head and nodded. “Well, I don’t know if the pain in your heart will ever go away, Nicole. He was your child, regardless if you never held him or saw him. There’s a bond there that could never be broken and it’s good to have that pain. It’s a reminder to let you know that he’s real, that this really happened and you survived it. But the guilt, that will go away eventually. You made the right choice for your baby. Just because it hurts doesn’t mean it was wrong. Usually the right choices are the ones that hurt the most. What you can do to start alleviating some of the guilt, is free yourself from the ghosts.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Stand up to those that have hurt you so badly. Don’t be afraid of them anymore and, most of all, don’t let them walk all over you. You are emotionally stronger than most women twice your age.”
“How do I stand up to them?”
“By letting them go, Nicole. Don’t dwell on what they’ve done or how they treated you; it will only bring you down. Instead, forget about them. Don’t waste your time hating them. It takes too much energy to hate; energy that you could be applying to something else. Just set them free from your life and move on.”
I was silent as I looked out the big picture window into the perfectly manicured courtyard. I finally turned my attention back to Dr. Sullivan. “I don’t know if I will ever be able to do that.”
“You will, Nicole. One day you will. It may not be today, it may not be a year from now, but some day you will think about them and feel nothing. No pain, no hate – nothing – and that’s how you will know when you freed them.”
I nodded, hoping that maybe one day that would come to be. We finished up our session and I walked out to my car. Sometimes, I wasn’t sure if I felt better or worse when I came from seeing Dr. Sullivan. She brought so many things to the surface for me, things that I wasn’t ready to deal with. So, I tried to think about the positive words that she had implanted in my brain over the past hour. How I should be proud of myself for my accomplishments and my independence. Those were words that I never heard at home from my parents; the two people that I yearned to hear it from the most. I repeated her words over and over in my head and smiled. Yes, I should be very proud. I did it. I had given birth to a baby boy, graduated high school, and was now headed to my first day of college. I looked at the date on my phone, three months old today. As much as I tried telling myself that my life was back to normal, I knew that it was far from it. My life had been forever changed by the little boy who had grown inside of me for nine months. He would always weigh heavy on my heart. And even though we never really met - I would love him forever, I would like him for always, as long as I was living, my baby he would be.
Chapter 61
Nicole
“Nicole O’Maley,” the nurse said as she poked her head out into the waiting room.
“You sure that you don’t want me to go in with you?” Dailan asked.
“No, I’ll be fine. I don’t need you passing out from the sight of the needle during the procedure.” I kissed him on the cheek and followed the nurse back to the exam room.
“Okay, you need to take your shirt and bra off and the doctor will be right with you.” I undressed and sat with my arms crossed on the exam table, trying my best to cover myself with the paper gown. I stared at the pictures hanging on the wall, trying my best to calm my nerves. The poster that caught my eye was the development of the fetus in the womb from month to month. I didn’t know how anyone could think that was anything short of a miracle. I smiled, thinking about my two miracles. I heard muffled voices just outside the door. I took a deep breath when I heard the doctor knocking lightly.
“Hey, Nicole, how are you?” my doctor asked with a smile as she entered the room.
“I’ll be better once this is over.”
“Well, it will be over before you know it.”
The nurse came walking in with all of the instruments on the tray. I looked away, not wanting to look at the needle.
“Okay, I need you to take your arm out of the gown and lie flat on the table.” my doctor instructed. “The first needle is going to be the anesthetic to numb you, and then I will be guiding the other needle through your skin to collect the sample.”
“Okay,” I whispered. Sometimes I wished that they wouldn’t tell you what they were doing, and just do it.
“Okay, you’re going to feel a little pinch. Then you will be all numbed up.”
I bit my lip when the needle went in. I turned my head and looked away once I saw her grabbing the bigger needle.
“You doing okay?” she asked. I nodded. “Just relax; we’re almost done.” She removed the needle and the nurse immediately pressed on the area with a gauze pad to control the bleeding. Once she was satisfied that it was under control, she placed a bandage over it.
“Okay, Nicole, I want you to take it easy for the rest of the day. You may be feeling a little discomfort once the anesthetic wears off. Just take some Tylenol.” She ha
nded me a piece of paper with all of the after-care instructions. “We should have the results in two days.”
“Okay.” I waited for her and the nurse to exit and got dressed.
Well, it’s done and over with. Now you just have to wait. I will not let my thoughts be consumed with worrying about this for the next few days, I told myself over and over again.
I walked out into the waiting room. Dailan finally looked up from his typing that he was doing on his phone.
“Hey, how did everything go?” he asked. He stood up, took my hand, and we walked out of the office.
“Well, they had to remove it,” I said, trying to keep a straight face.
He looked at me in confusion. “The lump?”
“Nope, my whole boob.” I couldn’t hold my laughter back anymore when I saw the look on his face. “I’m kidding!”
“You know, you shouldn’t even joke around about that.”
“Oh, my God, will you lighten up!” This was such a role reversal for Dailan and me; usually he was the one that was constantly teasing. He had been on edge all morning, acting as if I was going in for brain surgery.
“Nicole, I seriously don’t know what I would do if something were to happen to you.”
“Well, nothing is going to happen to me. You are stuck with me for the rest of your life.” I stood on my tippy toes and kissed him on the lips when we reached his car. “Now take me to get something to eat, unless you want me to starve to death.” He opened the car door for me and smiled, kissing me on the forehead just before I got in.
***
“Oh my God, I wish she would bring our food out already!” I was starving as I waited for the waitress to bring out my French toast and double order of bacon.
“Nicole, the detective called me this morning about Rachel,” Dailan said reluctantly.
“Oh?” Suddenly I was losing my appetite.
“Apparently, she’s been taking medication for a while and stopped taking it these past few months and that’s what caused her to go off the deep end.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, please, that’s her lame excuse?”
“Nicole, I’m not making excuses for her, but I talked to her brother too. She’s really sick.”
“So, what are you saying –” I stopped myself from talking as the waitress brought us our food.
“Can I get you anything else?” the waitress asked.
I looked up at her, flashed a quick smile, and shook my head. I began to speak again, once she walked away. “What are you saying, Dailan? That we’re supposed to let this go all because she supposedly has a mental illness? She took Ryan without permission and left him in the woods! As much it pains me to say this, but if it weren’t for Jonathan, God knows what would have happened to him.”
“If it weren’t for Jonathan, this probably would have never happened in the first place!” he replied, raising his voice slightly.
“Well, regardless, it did happen and she needs to be held responsible.”
“Okay, I’m leaving this one up to you and I will do whatever you want.”
“What? You are actually willing to just let this go?”
“No, Nicole. I want her to be held responsible just as much as you do. But the reality is that it will probably get dragged out in court, with the possibility of Ryan being forced to testify, only to have the same outcome that her lawyer is offering right now.”
“What’s the offer?”
“Eighteen months in Rivervale Psychiatric Hospital.”
I looked down at the food on my plate. Suddenly, I wasn’t hungry anymore.
“Nicole, it’s your decision. Ryan is your son.”
I looked up at him and shook my head. “No, Dailan, he’s just as much your child as he is mine. Ryan loves you more than anything. You were the one person that was there for him when he needed someone the most. So whatever decision we make, I want us to make it together.”
He looked away, like he didn’t want to tell me what his choice would be. “Tell me, Dailan. Tell me what you would do.”
“I would take the offer that her lawyer is presenting. I don’t want Ryan to be put through anymore.”
I took a deep breath and contemplated my decision. I thought about Rachel and the hell she had put me through in the past and more recently in my present. She was suffering her own personal hell inside her own head and as much as I wanted her to pay for doing what she had done, I knew that the demons she was battling in her mind were payment enough. Strangely, I didn’t hate her. I didn’t feel sorry for her. I felt absolutely nothing.
One day you will. It may not be today and it may not be a year from now, but some day you will think about them and feel nothing. No pain, no hate – nothing, and that’s how you will know when you’ve freed them.
“I’ve freed my ghosts.”
“What?” Dailan asked in confusion.
I looked up at him, realizing I had just spoken my thoughts out loud. “I agree. Let’s take the offer.”
Chapter 62
Nicole
Dailan and I arrived home. My mom was watching Ella and Ryan was out with my dad. I was surprised to find my sister sitting on the couch with my mother when we walked through the door. I could tell she had been crying as she quickly tried to wipe away the tears.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
My sister began to burst into tears. Dailan took Ella from my mother and started to exit, clearly not wanting to know what my sister’s problem was.
“No, wait, Dailan. Don’t go. You’re going to find out soon enough,” my sister said.
He stopped dead in his tracks and hesitantly turned around.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“I’m pregnant.” She began to sob.
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t think “congratulations” was appropriate, seeing how she was still married! I bit my lip and waited to see if Dailan would say something first, but he didn’t. He seemed just as shocked as I was.
“Oh, well, does Tommy know?” I finally broke the silence.
“No, I haven’t said anything to him yet. I’m not sure what I want to do.”
Dailan’s eyes widened. “You know what? I’m just going to leave this conversation now; I really don’t want to know any more. Tommy is my best friend and I just wish you hadn’t told me this.”
“I know and I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do.” She began to cry again.
“Dailan, Ella had an early breakfast. Let’s go into the kitchen and get her lunch,” my mother said in an effort to give me and my sister some alone time, which was the last thing that I wanted. I hadn’t a clue as to what to say to her. Dailan couldn’t make his exit quick enough, as my mother followed behind.
I sat down on the couch next to her. “Well, this is just another thing that Mark is going to hold against me with the whole custody thing.”
“Don’t be silly; no judge in the world would grant him custody just because you’re pregnant. This kind of stuff happens all time.” I said, waving my hand in the air.
“I’m sorry, Nicole.”
“For what?”
“For the way I treated you when you were pregnant with Ryan. I know how scared and alone I feel right now and I’m thirty-three years old and already have two kids. I can’t imagine how you felt at seventeen.”
“It was scary, but I listened to my heart and that’s what you need to do. Don’t worry about what anyone else will say or do. Do what you feel is right.”
She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. My sister and I never showed any affection toward each other at all, so I was feeling very awkward. I was happy when my dad and Ryan walked through the door, breaking up our “sisterly moment.” My sister excused herself to go into the bathroom and wash her face.
Ryan wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. I didn’t tell him what I was having done today, but he knew I was going to the doctor and he was so genuinely concerned that it made my heart melt. “I didn’t
think you’d be home already. Are you okay?” he asked, pressing his forehead up to mine.
“Yup, I’m home and I’m fine, Ryan.” I said, trying my best to put his fears to rest.
“Oh, I gotta tell Uncle D something!” Ryan said, jumping up and running into the kitchen when he heard Dailan’s voice.
“How are you feeling?” my dad asked.
“I’m okay. Still numbed up, but really, it wasn’t a big deal.”
“Well, you should be taking it easy.”
“I am. Dailan is home for the rest of the day, so I’ll be fine.”
“When are you going to have the results?”
“In a few days.” I could see my dad beginning to tear up. “Dad, I’m okay. Everyone has me on death’s door. I know it’s going to be fine. I’m not even worried about it.”
“You always were the strong one, Nicole.”
“What?”
“Out of all three of you, I knew you were my strongest, the one who would be able to handle any situation that life threw at you. Did your sister tell you?”
“Yeah, she did. The only advice that I could give her was the same advice that I gave myself ten years ago – go with your heart.”
He looked at me sadly. “And I’m so glad that you did and didn’t listen to me.”
I smiled and he smiled back. He took my hand as I got off the couch and we walked into the kitchen.
“Tell her!” Dailan said to Ryan. Ryan began to turn red and giggled.
“Tell me what?” I asked.
“Katy Carmichael asked me to be her boyfriend.” He put his head down and turned bright red again.
“She did? Well, what did you say?” I couldn’t contain my smile.
“I told her that I would have to think about it.”
“I taught you well,” Dailan said, giving Ryan a high five.
“What? Why did you do that? You like her, right?” I asked.
“Well, yeah, but Uncle D said that I had to play it cool; that’s how he got you wrapped around his finger.”
