Personal Demons

by Jay Lygon

  ***

  When we got to Joey’s, Hector came around and opened the truck door for me.

  “Thank you for hearing me out, Sam.”

  I stared at the ground. Small talk. Maybe I could delay him with small talk until I figured out a way around that ‘just friends’ thing. “I owed it to you.”

  “You didn’t owe me anything, Sam.”

  We shuffled our feet. I had to think of something quick.

  “That kilt I had made for you is at my house. I can send it to you,” Hector said. “But you probably don’t want to wear it. Never mind.”

  “If you’d like to see me in it, maybe I could come over and show you how it looks on.” I stepped closer, hoping to turn an innocent little goodnight kiss into something else. Just friends? Not if I could help it.

  His voice got soft. “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.” He leaned against the truck.

  Did he mean a kiss or seeing me in the kilt?

  Alberto stepped out from behind a tree. “It’s a terrible idea.”

  I fumed. “Go away, Alberto.”

  “You may want Hector back, Sam, but he won’t want you.”

  “I already know about him and Deal, so give it up, asshole.” I was beyond playing nice. As Hector said, I gave everyone way too many chances, and Alberto had already taken all of his.

  “You may know about him and Deal, but does he know about you, Sam?”

  Panic hit my chest like a supernova. I couldn’t begin to defend myself if I didn’t know the charges, but I didn’t want Hector to hear anything that would set him off on a jealous rage. I hated Alberto. Hated him.

  “That doesn’t concern me,” Hector said through gritted teeth.

  “No? So you don’t mind hearing that he was caught fucking Harris Smith in the men’s room in Palm Springs? Harris’ boyfriend sure did. I’m sure you saw the pictures. They were in all the papers and on TV.”

  My heart sank as Hector’s hands balled into fists.

  Waves of dread swept through me. It didn’t matter what I said, of course. Hector always believed what he wanted to, and he always wanted to believe that I was a cheater. This time wouldn’t be any different. I just knew it.

  Alberto grinned triumphantly as he looked from Hector to me. “How long did you expect the God of Sex to go without fucking? He called me the same night he left you for a little play time.”

  I cringed. Hector crossed his arms over his chest and looked at his fingernails. Oh man. He was furious.

  “Yeah. He fucked me that night, Hector. Pounded my ass for hours. Sam sure does like Latino men, doesn’t he?”

  My last chance with Hector had been snatched right out of my hands. I should have flirted with him. I should have poured on the seduction when we were at the beach. I was going to kill Alberto.

  Hector made an odd noise, something between a quiet sneeze and a snort. He flexed his fingers out. “Sam fucked you?” he asked quietly. Was that laughter in his voice? I didn’t dare hope.

  “All night long.” Alberto put his hand on his hip.

  Hector pinched his nose. “Sam fucked you?”

  “Yes.” Alberto sounded a little less sure of himself.

  Hector glanced over at me so quickly that I wasn’t sure if I really saw him wink. “That’s something I would have liked to have seen. I don’t suppose you taped it?”

  “No.”

  “Oh, well. Maybe next time you bend over for him, you’ll let me watch. Tell me, Alberto. How long did Sam fuck your ass before you begged for mercy? One minute? Two?”

  The cocky smile slid off Alberto’s face. “Hours.”

  Hector seemed to grow bigger with each deep breath he took. His mouth was a harsh line.

  I didn’t need to check his aura to see the dark fury settling around him. Oh, fuck. How many times had we played out this scene? Hector didn’t lash out with his fists anymore, but his anger was bad enough. The air seemed too thick to breathe. This was what I’d run away from. I couldn’t take it again.

  Alberto stepped closer to the truck. “Well, I didn’t mean he fucked me for hours. We were going at it for a real long time. I didn’t keep track of how long he was pounding me, but I came, like, four times. After he did me, I fucked him. Bareback.”

  My temper boiled over. “In your dreams. I don’t like you. How many times did I tell you that I didn’t want to be famous? A hundred? A million? It doesn’t matter, because you never listened. As for fucking you? Hah! I wouldn’t touch you on a dare.”

  “You don’t want fame, Sam? Fine. I’ll stop using my power to make you famous,” Alberto said.

  “It’s about time you took the fucking hint.”

  He drew himself up. “Don’t be so sure about that, Sam. Fame has another side, you know.”

  I shrugged. “I prefer to be an unknown.”

  Alberto’s dark eyes sparked. “Oh, no, Sam. I’m going to make you infamous.” His hands rose and I could feel him gathering a powerful curse. “Tomorrow at the Golden Globes, you’re going to become the laughing stock of the world. They’re going to put clips of your telecast on YouTube so that people can ridicule you. You are going to be so humiliated that you’ll never show your face in public again. You’ll be ruined, Sam. And I am going to relish every second of your downfall.”

  “Enough!” Hector bellowed.

  I shrank back.

  Instead of coming at me, though, Hector stalked over to Alberto. “Maybe a month ago you could have convinced me that what you said was true, but I promised Sam I’d changed, and I always keep my word. My bullshit detector is going off, Alberto. I’ve seen how Sam reacts to you. You disgust him.”

  I didn’t have to say a word, and Hector believed me! That was a first. Maybe he really had figured that out. I’d never been so relieved in my life. Maybe there was hope?

  Alberto’s façade was slipping, but he tried to bluff his way through it. “Oh, yeah?”

  “And don’t you dare ever threaten Sam again. I’ve had it with you, Alberto. Every God has. If you don’t change your ways really soon, there’s going to be hell to pay.”

  “Ooh! Are you going to spank me, Hector?” Alberto clapped his hands. “I’m so scared. Come on. I dare you. I bet Sam will just love watching you spank another boy.”

  “I’m giving you a chance, Alberto,” Hector warned.

  “And I’m telling you to go fuck yourself, troll.”

  What an idiot. Hector rarely gave warnings. Alberto should have listened.

  Hector whipped out his mobile phone and dialed. “It’s time,” was all he said.

  “What was that about?” Alberto asked. I wanted to know, too.

  Hector grinned. “You’ll find out soon enough.” He winked at me. “Don’t you move, Boy. I’ll be right back.” He grabbed Alberto’s arm. “I’ve set you up on a blind date with your destiny, Alberto. You don’t want to keep her waiting.” They disappeared.

  There I was, alone on the street, feeling like an idiot. I would have gone up to Joey’s apartment, but Hector told me not to move, so I didn’t. But I could think, and where my mind went wasn’t a good place. Alberto had cursed me. The Golden Globes telecast was going to be a huge disaster. My tongue already felt thick in my mouth. People were going to laugh at me. Humiliation galore. I didn’t think I could endure that. I sank down onto the curb. My life was fucking over.

  The God of Misery, who had impeccable timing, trotted along the gutter and leapt into my lap. Its tail curled around my neck and squeezed.

  Moments later, Hector phased back, alone. “Sorry about that. What’s wrong?”

  I sighed. “H-h-h-he--”

  “Oh, no, you don’t. Don’t do this to yourself, Sam. You’re going to be great tomorrow. I know you’ve been tormenting yourself for a year with visions of everything going wrong, but you let your imagination run away with you.”

  “C-c-c-cursed m-m-me.”

  “Only you can give his curse power, Sam. Don’t listen to him.”

 
The smile I summoned up was pretty sad. I’d managed to push the upcoming telecast into a corner of my mind and forget about it, but it was less than twenty-four hours away, and it was going to be the worst night of my life.

  There was no use prolonging my agony with Hector. I had some serious mind-fucking to do, followed by a major meltdown. “I have w-w-w-w.” I gave up trying to say the word. What was the use?

  “Don’t chew on your lip, Sam.”

  Hector reached down to take the God of Misery by the scruff of its neck. “Get out of here.” He tossed it down the sidewalk.

  Misery scrambled for the bushes.

  “If you keep feeding Misery, it’s going to keep coming back. You should know that by now. Don’t do this to yourself, Sam. Don’t give in to it.”

  Too late. I was barely treading water in a sea of self-doubt.

  “Boy! I know what you need,” Hector said. “Would you like for me to bind you? Maybe you could get to your subspace and relax.”

  Relief and hope swept through me. If Hector wanted to get back together, who gave a shit about the telecast? He said he wasn’t with anyone. I wasn’t with anyone. I still loved him. He couldn’t have stopped loving me so soon, could he? Maybe he took me to my favorite restaurant for dinner because he was flirting with me. Maybe he was trying to woo me back. I grasped his hand and let him pull me to my feet. I fell against him accidentally on purpose. All he had to do was put his arms around me, and I was his. I smiled at him.

  Hector put his hands on my arms and stepped back from me. “Just as friends, of course,” he said.

  Well, fuck.

  ***

  Home. I was home, and I knew it. Even the warding spells at the front door seemed glad to let me pass into the house. Hector let me stand inside the living room and take it all in at my own speed. Everything felt like it fit. There was space for me that was my own, and I didn’t feel as if I had to apologize to anyone for being in their way. The house smelled right, if a little musty. I swore I could recite the title of every book on every shelf lining the walls. I knew where the mended holes were in the afghan we kept folded over the back of the couch. It was my space. His space. Our home. Except that it wasn’t anymore.

  Hector wiped a hand over the coffee table and picked up a glass. His smile was guilty, but sweet. “If I’d known I was going to bring you here, I would have cleaned up first.” He set down the glass. “Did you want to get started right away?” He glanced down the hallway toward the bedroom and winced. “Uh, give me a second.”

  It didn’t do at all to laugh at a Master, at least not to his face, so I wandered over to the front window and looked out at the neighborhood. Deal’s McMansion wasn’t right across the street, but I could see most of the first story. Lights were on. I wondered if she had Alberto under control and if she’d talked him into accepting punishment. Of course she had. She was Deal. Besides, I was sure that floggers and whips weren’t the only training Hector had given her. He’d probably taught her the fine art of the ‘Baby, I’m disappointed in you’ speech. I only hoped it was as effective on Alberto as it was on me.

  Hector came back into the living room. “Okay. It’s presentable. Just don’t expect anything near your standards, Sam.”

  I expected to see the bedroom in shambles, but it looked fine to me. What did he think my standards were? Oh, sure, the chenille bedspread had obviously been pulled up over wrinkled sheets, and I saw a pair of black socks under the bed, but that was it.

  “Do you want me to bind you over your clothes?”

  I gave him a look that normally would have earned a hard spanking. The man had used a crop on my balls, bitten my nipples, given me an enema, shoved his cock in my mouth, and made me beg him to fuck me. We were pretty much past the point where I’d balk at a little nudity. I pulled off my shirt.

  Hector sat on the bed and watched me undress. He’d seen me do it a thousand times, but this time his gaze never left me, as if he wanted to remember every single moment. It made me a little self-conscious. Some color spread over my cheeks, but I neatly folded my jeans as he’d taught me to and then stood with my head bowed and my hands behind my back as I waited for him to give me an order.

  He walked around me slowly. I expected him to run his hands over my skin, but he didn’t. By the time he’d made the full circle, my nerves were trying to reach beyond my body to connect with him. The wake of air that passed across my shoulder told me how close he’d come to me, but he never touched.

  “I think a full rope corset. Then I’ll bind your arms.” His voice broke, as if his throat was sore. “If you need it, then I’ll do your legs, too.”

  I nodded.

  ***

  Hector didn’t rub the rope over my nipples or my wrists. He seemed to go out of his way to avoid turning me on. Even when the ropes went between my thighs, he managed to maneuver around my balls without once caressing them. He worked in silence, his head down as if every loop needed complete focus. His hands trembled as the rows drew close to my navel.

  I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing. The more I was bound, the more control I had over my tongue. He was right. I needed this.

  Hector finished the last loop above my groin. Then, standing behind me, he gently made me extend my arm.

  I remembered him binding my arms the first time I came to his house. Or was it the second? I’d been so nervous, scared really, not of him, but of where it could lead. He’d been patient. As always, he seemed to sense exactly what I needed. Even now, when we were being ‘just friends,’ he was willing to help me get to my subspace.

  I withdrew into my thoughts. In my mind, I was in Hector’s house, but like a ghost. I couldn’t seem to move past the hallway, though. If there had been a meditation labyrinth on the floor, it might have explained how I walked and walked but never seemed to get anywhere.

  I sighed. What I wanted was for him to call me Baby. Just once. Maybe caress my face. I wanted him to tell me that I could ignore the rest of the world and float along in perfect peace, and that he would take care of everything for me. I wanted him to make the Golden Globes telecast disappear from my world, and Alberto, too, and Brett, and everything else I didn’t like. I didn’t want to have to think.

  But we were being just friends.

  Even when he’d been my Papi, he hadn’t let me run and hide from the world like that. Inside the perfect little fantasy world in my mind, though, he said, ‘Keep floating in your bubble, Baby. I’ll make everything all right. Don’t worry. Just relax. Let Papi take care of everything.’ And since I wanted to believe he would, I relaxed into the rope binding me. It was his shield around me. I was safe and content. Nothing could touch me. Not even him.

  I wanted to look into his eyes and show him how much I appreciated him caring for me like that, but he was too busy binding my arms together behind me. I cleared my throat.

  He hesitated for only a moment before making the next loop.

  Once his boy, always his boy, he once said of Ophir. I didn’t want to be like Ophir, though. I couldn’t imagine watching Hector love another man and pretending that it didn’t kill me. If I could convince him to let me serve him again, maybe he would stand as a buffer between me and the world. Maybe I could quit my job and just serve him. Life would be so simple for me. It was the perfect plan. Of course, he didn’t know about it. Would he take me back? Maybe.

  I cleared my throat again and struggled to get on top of my words. It wasn’t easy, but I concentrated and forced them out. “I d-d-d-d-don’t w-w-want to be friends.”

  Hector dropped the ends of the rope. They fell in a dull thump on the bedroom floor as he walked to his closet. Maybe he needed a break. He bowed his head.

  “I don’t want to be just friends, Hector. I can’t do that.”

  Hector spun around. He looked as if I’d struck him. His mouth was open, and his eyes were wet. “You won’t even try?” His voice was hoarse.

  “I did. I’m sorry. It won’t work.”

  H
e stumbled toward me, but stopped. “Honey, please.” Then he ran out of words and tears gushed down his face.

  I had a horrible feeling that I’d fucked up and said the wrong thing again.

  He lifted a hand as if he meant to reach out for me, but let it fall. “I’m sorry I embarrassed you at Harris’ premier, Baby. I’m so sorry for all those times I accused you of cheating. All those times you were frightened of me, every time I said terrible things to you. I’m so sorry. You deserved so much better.”