Love, Cass

by St. Klaire, Stephanie

  I paused, sizing her up before I made my proposal. I really liked Felicity. She was easy to talk to, like we’d known each other for some time despite being virtual strangers. I felt that from the very first time I saw her. She was special and belonged here. Not just at Brother’s Keeper Security, but our family.

  “You okay?” Felicity asked, stepping toward me like she was ready to catch me if I fell.

  I chuckled. “Sorry, just zoned out, lost in thought. I tend to do that these days. Guess I’m a little tired. I was going to say, what if you fill a different role? We’ll call it a companionship role because babysitter feels a little too ridiculous.”

  “Oh? For Reagan? I adore that little girl. I love it when she’s down here.”

  “Actually, for me. Of course, Reagan is with me a lot still, so I guess her too.” I laughed. “Liam feels split between two places. Since he isn’t ready to give up some of the responsibility here, maybe he’ll let you assist me. That’s what we’ll call it. I’m hiring you as my assistant…well, unless they need you here, then of course you do whatever you need to do.”

  Felicity crossed her arms and ankles as she leaned against a table behind her. She was quiet for a moment, but started to nod like she was coming around to the idea.

  “I think I like that. I can play a support role here if they need me — especially at night when they’re out in the field and Liam is with you — then, during the day, I’m all yours so he doesn’t have to worry about you so much. It’s a great way to earn his trust too, and that’s what I’d like. He said it himself — they need to trust me.”

  “Excellent point. And if it helps, I already do trust you, Felicity. I’m pretty sure the guys do too.”

  “What’s going on in here?” came a gruff voice from behind me.

  The startle was just enough to knock me off balance. The fatigue made losing balance and even falling that much easier. Felicity was on her feet, arm around my waist to steady me as she lowered me to the nearby chair.

  “I’m so sorry,” Liam said, rushing to my side. “Are you okay? Is anything hurt? How do you feel?”

  “Like my husband just scared the crap out of me,” I joked. “I’m fine. You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that. Save that quiet ninja stuff for the bad guys.”

  Felicity handed me a glass of water from who knew where, though I appreciated it just the same.

  “Just in here working and talking to your lovely wife,” she said. “You know, to answer your initial question.”

  “I can see that,” Liam said. “Why?”

  “Because I came in here and interrupted her. She’s been kind enough to chat with me while I wait for you, love.” I kissed him while I still had him kneeling next to me. I might have been using that kiss to butter him up too. “We’re making plans.”

  “Plans?” Liam stood, his glance at Felicity sharp.

  “I just hired Felicity.” I shrugged.

  “Hired? She already has a job. You sure you’re okay?”

  “I’m just fine, stop asking me. I’ll tell you when I’m not fine, okay?”

  Felicity shifted from one foot to the other. “I think I’ll…go. Let you two talk.”

  “Fine,” Liam said, just as I said, “No, stay.”

  “Okay. This is a little awkward. I’m not sure which boss to listen to,” she teased.

  “I’m your boss, and I said you should go. The guys might need copies or something,” Liam said.

  “Copies. Got it.” Felicity rolled her eyes.

  “Hold on. Please stay. Just for a moment. Liam, hear me out.” This is where I used that kiss and tossed in a slight pout and used my charm to manipulate my poor husband. “You need and want to be here with your team. I get that.”

  “I’d rather be with you. You’re my priority, Cass…”

  “I know, and I adore you for that. But, darling, you drive me a little crazy. I love you, but you hover. And I can feel how torn you are when you’re with me and feel like you should be here and vice versa.”

  “You can’t be alone all the time.”

  “And I won’t be.” I smiled. “You aren’t ready to hand stuff over to Felicity, so she spends a lot of her time waiting to make copies.”

  Liam’s shoulders relaxed. I was getting through to him.

  “I can use help, I agree. Some days are pretty hard, and both our parents are carrying the burden when they have their own responsibilities to tend to. Reagan talks about Felicity all the time, so they’ll get along fine.”

  “Regan calls her City,” Liam interrupted with a smirk. That little girl had her daddy’s heart. “We’ll work on that.”

  “I think it’s adorable, and City fits,” I added. “I could use some girl time, a distraction, and someone to watch my shows with when I’m stuck on the couch or in bed. Let’s be honest…you aren’t a reality TV or sappy romantic comedy kind of guy.”

  “I hate that shit,” he promptly replied before catching himself. “But I don’t mind watching it.”

  “Liam, will you paint my nails?” I asked. “And shop online with me for a few new outfits that fit a little better? Oh, and Reagan will want her nails done too since mine are going to be pretty.”

  “I see your point,” Liam said. He wasn’t about to paint anyone’s nails. He looked at straight-faced Felicity, then me. “Okay. She can be your assistant. But there are conditions.”

  “Name them,” Felicity and I said in unison, then giggled.

  “Oh crap. You’re already giggling together.” His hands raked through his hair. “We still need Felicity training and in the loop.”

  “Okay.” I was in a negotiating mood. “What does that look like?”

  “When I’m here during the day, she can help you out. When I get home in the evenings, I can brief her on what’s going on and anything I need her to work on. She can use my home office while you and Reagan nap or hang out so she’ll still be nearby. We’ll move training with the guys to the evenings while I’m home so we’re actually adding to the workload and hours.”

  “I can handle it. It all seems doable,” Felicity said.

  “If it’s easier,” Liam hesitated for a moment, “we can even move you to our floor. There’s a guest apartment. It’s…bigger than the loft you’re in now. Consider it a job perk.”

  “Sounds great. Being closer in case you guys need me to help with Reagan makes sense…even if it’s just a few floors difference.”

  I smiled and clapped my hands together. “Sounds like we have a plan. I love it.”

  I stood, ready to go back to our floor so I could rest. This had been productive, but exhausting. Dizziness set in, as it often did. Both City and Liam took an arm to steady me.

  “Look at you two, already working as a team,” I joked. “I’m going to head back upstairs. I think it’s time to take a little nap before we head over to the pub for family dinner.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Liam asked.

  “I’m fine. This happens all the time. City can help me back to the apartment if you don’t have anything for her.”

  “I’m caught up, so I can be free…if it’s okay with you, Liam?”

  “Go ahead. I’ll let the guys know our new arrangement and meet you upstairs. I’ll show Felicity,” Liam emphasized her given name, clearly not fond of Reagans nickname for her, “around the apartment and my office and give her the rundown on meds and schedules while you nap. We can start all of this…tomorrow, I guess.”

  Liam was headed out the door, but stopped to say, “You may as well come to family dinner at the pub. Mark your calendar and don’t miss it unless you have a really good reason.”

  “Or I’m fired?” Felicity teased.

  “No. Or you’ll face my Ma. You haven’t been through enough combat training for that yet.” And he left.

  “Well, City. Looks like you got yourself a new job and dinner out of this,” I teased.

  “And a new friend.” She locked elbows with me to help me back to the eleva
tor and home.

  - 8 -

  Time isn’t promised…

  Felicity had become more than a friend. Over the past weeks, her companionship meant the world to me — to us, really. Though he didn’t say it in so many words, I knew Liam was feeling less pressure knowing he could be away and Reagan and I were okay.

  Felicity was family now. We spent so much time together, it was like I gained a sister and Reagan an aunt. The rest of the family adored her as well. I was happy about that. They were going to need her when things got harder, and I think she knew that.

  If one good thing came of this arrangement, it was my husband was smiling again. Not just for my benefit, but because he had a little less to worry about day to day, though I knew with each passing day he felt one day closer to a time without me.

  I was feeling a bit better, too. To the point where my doctors were concerned. I never thought I’d see the day where living stumped a doctor more than dying. My energy wasn’t great, but it also wasn’t lacking any more than it had been. I wasn’t healing, I was more or less getting used to what the new me — treatment and all — felt like. There was something to be said about routine, even in this.

  I think we were all in a better place — life felt normal-ish. It was nice to have Felicity’s companionship. It never felt like she was there to watch over us, just to hang out with us — and we had the best time. We’d binge watch all things princess until Reagan’s naptime, then it was all the trash TV and seedy movies we could cram in.

  Liam even went out on a few overnight cases, so City stayed the night and we’d have an amazing girls night in where my mother in law and sister in law, Carrigan, came over. Then, when he arrived home from being away, City would take Reagan with her, just a door down, for a sleepover so we had time together, just Liam and me.

  Life was normal. A different version of normal, but normal. We were so distracted by the positive changes, we didn’t have time to worry about what tomorrow may hold. We lived in the moment. Every second of every day was special, and we didn’t take that for granted.

  Treatments were getting harder. City went to the easy ones with me; Liam the big ones. The last couple took their toll, and the residual effects lingered longer than usual, but that was to be expected. We tried not to focus on that. Those were the days Liam stayed home and Felicity filled in for him in the lair.

  Felicity had gone out on a couple cases — no interference from Liam. He’d started to go easier on her — they weren’t besties, but they also weren’t at odds like they had been before.

  Felicity loved her job, but it was evident she was always happy to get back. It seemed she was just as invested in our family as we were. She cared. I knew she was a good fit.

  It wasn’t the fairytale I’d imagined my life to be, but it was our fairytale to live, and I’d been focusing on the glass half full because the alternative was less desirable. Obviously. All I’d wanted was time — to be with my family, to prepare and help them prepare for what was to come. I didn’t know if that would ever happen, but I was trying.

  It was at Sunday dinner when things changed. I’d been feeling especially tired after treatment for the week and hadn’t bounced back to my level of normal like usual. I didn’t feel bad, per se, but I didn’t feel good. It was odd. I was just off, and couldn’t put my finger on why.

  Liam tried to encourage me to stay home, saying he’d stay too and Felicity could take Reagan to dinner at the family’s pub, but I wouldn’t hear of it. I was far too stubborn. Sundays were my favorite. The entire family, in one place, together…it was everything to me. Especially now. Liam’s cousins were often there, if they were anywhere near town, and plenty of family-like friends we’d accumulated over the years.

  I didn’t know how many Sundays I had left, and I wasn’t going to miss one, if I could help it. This particular Sunday was one for the books. Normally, I would say that because we had everyone there, nobody was amiss, but that whole fate thing was kicking in again. Despite my circumstance, I’d been blessed with more time, and a quality of life I hadn’t anticipated. I had that crazy luck, or maybe it was curse, or just life. With the good, always came a little bad. Everything had a price. Life.

  I was sitting back, watching everyone, taking in as many of the conversations as I could. I watched them all joke and laugh, some to tears. My mind wandered as I felt the fatigue weighing heavily. I wondered if I’d miss all of them when it was my time.

  It was a peculiar thing to consider, but when you’re in that situation, I suppose you have those thoughts. We don’t really think about it until we’re faced with it. I wondered if I would feel the loss like they would. Or would they still feel close to me? I wondered how that worked.

  Everyone had their own theory — whether it was taught through church or lifestyle — but I’d never really had an opinion or belief beyond we go to heaven when we die. Isn’t that what most people thought? We didn’t ponder, much less discuss, what we felt when we were actually there. I mean, why would we? Nobody really knew, because none of us had been to heaven yet, right?

  Those were the thoughts swarming my mind the past few days. Not in a depressed way, but out of genuine curiosity. I was a planner, liked to be prepared and had lists for everything I did — but how does one make a list and prepare for…well, the afterlife? I wasn’t religious other than having a belief and living the best life I could. I didn’t go to church on Sundays, never read the bible cover to cover, I didn’t have the answers.

  I knew scripture said one thing, depending on who you talked to, but how did anyone really know it was the truth? It didn’t change my beliefs, I still believed in a God and a heaven, but it left me wondering. Maybe that was faith — trusting something you couldn’t see or feel — something that wasn’t tangible.

  The curiosity grew, and I wondered what time was like…after. Was it rapid? Like to the point I wouldn’t know they weren’t right there with me? Before I knew it, they’d be there — wherever there is — having lived their full lives? I imagined that would be like a long weekend away, then poof, there they were.

  Surely, I wasn’t the only person who’d wondered such things. It was right up there with the midlife crisis where you tried to decipher the meaning of life. Maybe this was my crisis. Because I really wanted to know, but there really wasn’t any way to know.

  I couldn’t imagine the beyond was painful from missing loved ones, unless everything we were told, and some believed, was a giant fabrication of the truth. A lie. No, that couldn’t have been the case. People wouldn’t strive to be good in an effort to get to this place if it weren’t promised…right? Who wanted to spend eternity in this grand place if it was painful? If that were the case, there’d be a lot more assholes in the world. Or maybe that was the point: lie to keep the asshole population to a minimum.

  Maybe holding them in my heart would be enough to feel surrounded by them — like they were there with me and that was the work around. It was a bit of a spoof, but if I didn’t know it was a lie, would I really care? Perhaps that was why we all strived to be good people so we got to this whimsical golden palace in the sky.

  That was the magic. That was eternal healing and being whole again. You couldn’t be whole without all the pieces of your heart. Somehow, they’d all be with me, when it was my time. They were what would make me whole, and that gave me peace as I looked around the room.

  Unless, that wasn’t it at all. What if being whole and happy after meant forgetting? Your heart couldn’t ache for what it didn’t know. Sadness fell over me at that idea—the idea of not remembering those I loved the most and that made my heart ache…literally.

  That felt more like hell, and for all I knew, that was where I was heading. Maybe TP’ing the gym teachers yard every other weekend in high school was a sentence to the underworld. Or that time Reagan pulled a package of Disney big girl panties off a rack at the department store and tossed them in the stroller without me noticing. I didn’t discover them until she was l
oaded up in the car and I was putting the stroller in the back. I had been new to the whole parenting thing and hadn’t known what the protocol was on your toddler stealing from a store you couldn’t be sure of. I hadn’t known what to do, and when I saw the mall security truck with his light on in the distance, I threw everything in the back and ran like a fugitive. In hindsight, I probably should have gone back to each of the stores we had been in until I found the one with Reagan’s mark — they wouldn’t throw a toddler in the slammer for shoplifting…at least I didn’t think they would. But maybe I’d go to hell?

  There wasn’t a rule book on that, or most things in life. Some things we did well, and some things we failed miserably. We got a little grace for the things we failed, at least the first time, I would have thought. I chuckled at my brief life of crime with my toddler. It seemed like a lifetime ago, though it had only been a short time before the cancer had returned. Time flew, even when you weren’t having fun.

  That ache in my chest was still present despite moving past my morbid heaven versus hell fantasy. I thought the pain was figurative, emotional, as I got lost in thought, but while I scanned the room, completely present, I realized it was just as firmly rooted in the now as my thoughts.

  Something was wrong. I felt overwhelmed with fatigue, and everything felt a little numb, other than that pain. The room tilted slightly right, then left. Voices sounded muffled and distant. I looked at Felicity. Our eyes locked.

  “Liam,” she shouted, knocking her chair over as she got up and ran to me.

  I heard him too. “Cass? Cassidy, honey?”

  Turning to my left, I saw him reach for me.

  “I’m fine,” I said. “I’m just tired.”

  But I wasn’t.

  “I think I need to get her home,” Liam said. “It’s been a long day. They were up on the roof deck gardening today.”

  I felt his arms loop around me as I tried to stand, but I fell to the floor.

  “Call 911!” someone yelled.

  “I’ll get Reagan out of here.” I think that was Felicity. “Let’s go home, baby. We have ice cream.”