Rocked Forever

by Clara Bayard

  "Oh, I'm so sorry," I blurted out, looking up to see who I'd almost knocked over. My brain could barely register what my eyes saw.

  Longish sandy hair. Wide, soft lips. Kind hazel eyes. Chiseled jaw.

  Matthew.

  "I…" The ability to speak left me and I stood there, eyes wide and mouth open.

  His hands were raised from trying to catch me before we both fell down, and he was frozen in place too.

  From inches away I could see emotion warring behind his eyes, and his pulse beating hard in his neck. The gentle scent of his skin reached my nose and sent ripples of desire, pain and warmth through my whole body.

  Softly, he said, "Ellie," and the whole world around us disappeared.

  I'd imagined a million scenarios about how we'd see each other for the first time in so long. None of them involved a literal collision in a hallway. There was supposed to be a long dramatic wait, anxiety-filled preparation. Hours of nervous primping.

  "Hi," I whispered, unable to look away from his face. How I'd missed this beautiful face. And there were things I'd almost forgotten. The soft shadow on his neck and chin when he didn't shave, the way his eyes reflected the entire universe. The way his hair swung slightly with every breath.

  Matthew's hand came up and stroked my cheek, barely touching my skin. My chest squeezed so tight I thought my heart might burst. Without thinking, I threw my arms around his neck. The tidal pull of our connection drew us relentlessly together, more powerful than his anger or my pain.

  He yanked me close and kissed me hard on the mouth. The second our lips met, we both gasped, and then attacked. All tongues and teeth, roughly devouring each other, we traded breath and drowned in each other. My fingers tangled in his hair as his hands gripped my back.

  I moaned as his chest pressed against mine. He sucked my tongue into his mouth and I tasted him. I was home. Finally, exactly where I'd always wanted to be. It was a dream I never wanted to wake up from, and I surrendered to it completely.

  Matthew grew hard as he pressed intently against me. He shuffled us back towards a wall and held me against it as his hands roamed my body, tracing my curves as if re-memorizing me from shoulder to hip.

  I straddled one of his long, lean thighs and moaned. No longer a person, I was living desire, desperate and wanting, caring about nothing but the pleasure of his kiss, his touch.

  His hands slid down the back of my jeans, soft and cool against my heated flesh. His teeth grazed my lower lip, making me burn hotter than I thought possible.

  And then, unbidden and unwanted, a voice intruded on our imagined privacy. "Geeze, get a room. This is why I fucking hate Vegas," a man nearly shouted as be stomped past us.

  It was enough to break the spell.

  Matthew stepped back, breathing hard, his eyes hooded, his skin flushed.

  I pressed three fingers over my mouth, already slightly swollen from those few moments of passionate kisses. The phantom pressure of Matthew's hands on my body remained, and I shuddered.

  I looked up into his eyes and saw he was as overwhelmed as I was. But just as I was about to reach for him, a memory flashed into my brain. The coldness in his eyes when he'd left me. The disgust in his voice when he'd thrown us away like we were nothing. The weeks and weeks of no contact. How I'd moped and cried and hated myself. How I'd been humiliated myself repeatedly without him. My skin cooled, and my heart ached.

  As if he could read my mind, he frowned. "Ellie, let me-"

  "No," I spat back before he could finish the thought. "I can't. This was a mistake. All of it. I spent so much time thinking I wasn't good enough, that I didn't deserve you. But I was wrong. You don't deserve me." And without checking to see if he followed or cared, I ran. Back through the throngs of drunken gamblers and half-naked women, all the way to the elevator that took me back to my hotel room, feeling dizzy and barely able to see.

  Once there I locked the door, stripped off my clothes and climbed into the shower. I turned the water on as hot as I could take and stood there, trying to wash away my pain. I sobbed, tears falling to invisibly combine with the water as I cursed my weakness.

  Six

  By the time I got to the security meeting, I'd calmed down a lot. My hands were barely shaking as I found a seat in the corner of the room and started to take notes as the others gathered.

  It was the perfect time for an assignment like this. While I'd seen all of the security staff around the band all the time, I never really thought about what went into the planning and implementation side. How to balance fan access with the safety of the guys. How hard it must be to stay on top of things when we were in a new city every two days.

  I was jotting down ideas for side posts about extreme security failures for bands in the past when the room went silent as Red entered with someone in a police uniform.

  "Okay, gang," Red said, crossing his arms and standing in the center of the room. "We don't have a lot of time but I want to make sure we go over everything twice." He nodded at a man in a suit sitting near me. "Eric's briefing this morning informed me there have been a record number of calls and already a few fan incidents, so we've all got to bring our A game. First of all, let's walk through the-" Red stopped mid-sentence as his gaze landed on me.

  I smiled brightly, but the expression faded from my face when he didn't return it.

  He muttered something to the uniformed man and then walked over to stand in front of me.

  I could feel my face redden and get warm as everyone else turned to stare.

  "Ellie, can I talk to you outside for a moment?"

  Oh, no. What now? "Of course." I tried to look casual as my heart pounded in my chest, as I gathered up my things and followed him outside like a kid getting kicked out of class.

  We walked a few feet down the hallway and stopped.

  "What are you doing here?" Red asked evenly.

  "I… you invited me to the meeting."

  "Yes, but that was before. My understanding is you were going to meet with us in a few hours to hand over your credentials."

  "Why would I do that?"

  He sighed and crossed his arms again, but this time the gesture was tense and intimidating, and I fought to keep from shrinking away. "Ellie, please don't do this. You know I'm fond of you, but this is my job. I can't let you just hang around after you've been fired or reassigned or whatever you all call it."

  "Is this some kind of joke?"

  "Not at all. Look, I can understand you're upset. It seems unfair to me, too. But Matthew's a member of the band and if he wants you gone, you're gone. Even if it doesn't make sense. But…"

  He kept talking but I didn't hear a word. There was a loud rushing in my head and the walls of the hallway seemed to skew and slide around. I gripped the ornate molding behind me to keep from falling down.

  Fired? Just like that? How could it be? Matthew. He said Matthew did this. All because I left him after our kiss. Could he be that petty? That cruel? After over a month of ignoring me, I should have known the answer to that.

  "Red, I… I'm sorry." My voice was raw.

  He reached out and put a hand on my shoulder. "No, I'm sorry. I know you wish you could finish out the day and so do I, but this is the way it has to be."

  "Of course."

  "I can trust you to go back to your room alone, right? And we'll talk later?"

  "Sure. Yeah."

  "Good. I gotta get back in there." He looked down at me and smiled kindly. "It'll be okay, kiddo. Everything will work out for the best."

  "Thanks." The term of endearment was like a knife in my heart. "Get to work, slacker," I choked out, holding back a sob.

  I headed back to the elevator, fully planning to return to my room as promised, but something snapped inside me. The tears dried before falling and rage filled the emptiness inside me. What was the point of all of this? Why had I made myself open and vulnerable just to get kicked in the teeth again? I was not this girl. This weepy, weak-willed loser living on the edge, waiti
ng for a man to make me whole. I didn't need Matthew. I didn't need this job. I'd made a name for myself. Worked my ass off. Grown and changed and learned and I'd be damned if I was going to let a broken heart turn me into a broken person. I've been through hell in my life and this was nothing. Nothing at all in comparison.

  I pressed a new button on the elevator, steaming. No one treated me like this. I was not going to slink away, let him get away with dismissing me yet again.

  Making my way through the band's suite, I barely noticed the people I passed as I headed up to the bedrooms. I glanced at the labeled luggage that lined the hall and stopped at the door I wanted. Without knocking I flung it open with my heart pounding and my hands curled into fists.

  Matthew was standing by the bed, facing the door, with a duffel bag open in front of him.

  "Ellie, what are you doing in here?"

  "I've got something to say to you."

  He grinned. "Good, I do too."

  "No, you've said enough, you coward. It's my turn to talk and you're going to listen."

  "What?"

  I stomped to the middle of the room, right across from him with the bed between us. I felt a twinge of sadness when I thought about the times we'd spent together in bed. The passionate times, but also just chatting. Sharing quiet moments. They were gone forever, now. He did this.

  "Who do you think you are, Matthew? What gives you the right to dismiss me like a stray dog?"

  "I didn't."

  "You did," I spat back. "Is your ego so fragile? That five minutes after kissing me like you were drowning and I was the only air in the world, you can just have me fired?"

  "Have you… I don't know what you mean."

  "Liar. Red told me, but I guess he jumped the gun. Were you going to make Becca do it? Couldn't conjure enough courage to do it yourself."

  "No, I… It wasn't like that."

  I crossed my arms and glared at him. "What was it like?"

  Matthew sighed, unable to meet my gaze. "I did tell them I couldn't work with you. But that was before. And I never asked for you to be ditched from the tour altogether. But then, earlier, when I saw you, when I kissed you, when I touched you, I knew I'd made a mistake."

  "What?"

  He brushed his hair out of his eyes and finally looked at me. "When I got here I wasn't ready, wasn't sure how I felt. And yeah, I chickened out. But you weren't being fired. At least, that's not what I said."

  "What did you think they would do, keep us in separate rooms for the rest of the tour?"

  "I don't know. I didn't think about that."

  "Of course you didn't. You don't think twice before throwing me in the garbage."

  "That's not fair, Ellie."

  "It's accurate."

  "This wasn't about us, it was about business."

  "Bullshit. It's all the same. As soon as you're uncomfortable you're a bigger asshole than Rick. At least he'll fight. You just poison everything and run away."

  "I'm sorry."

  "Go to hell."

  He turned and sank down onto the bed, facing away from me. "I've been there. Scared and angry and alone without the one person I thought I could really trust."

  "Don't you dare make me the bad guy here," I said coldly.

  "I'm not." He rested his head in his hands. "I can't explain, can't seem to say the right thing."

  "Stop trying and just tell me why you did this, why you left me like that. You owe me that much."

  Matthew jumped to his feet and whirled around. "Owe you what, exactly? You want me to thank you for betraying my trust?"

  "I did it to save you. I was scared you could die."

  "I know! Don't you see, I know that. Knew it as soon as I left your room that morning. But it still hurt."

  "So that was your solution, never speak to me again?"

  "I wasn't thinking that far ahead. I just knew I had to get well, get myself together. I figured if we were over, why not let it just be over."

  "How could you forget about me so fast? How could you stop caring just like that?"

  "I didn't. I never could. I never will."

  "Then why get me fired as soon as you get back? Were you trying to punish me?"

  "Never. And I swear, it wasn't supposed to be like that. And I…"

  Shaking, I jumped in as soon as he paused. "You what?"

  "After we kissed, I talked to Becca. Told her everything would be okay."

  "I don't believe you."

  "Call her. Ask her." He held out a hand and then slowly let it drop. "I read your email. Watched some of the video you sent."

  "That was days ago."

  "I know. I just opened it." He sighed. "You're right. I am a coward. I couldn't do it before. I didn't think I could bear you looking at me like you are right now. Hating me. Shutting me out."

  "You're the one who shut me out."

  "I know, and I'm sorry."

  "It's too late for sorries."

  "I know that, too," he said, voice thick with emotion. "But come on, be honest. You weren't exactly trying hard to get in touch with me while I was away."

  "Why would I? You made it clear the last time we talked. You wanted nothing to do with me."

  "I was angry. I didn't really mean what I said."

  "Could've fooled me." I narrowed my eyes.

  He shook his head. "God, you're so sure you're unlovable, it's like you're just waiting for everyone to abandon you."

  "Maybe I am. And what was your method to disabuse me of that ludicrous idea? Oh yeah, I remember. You did abandon me. You swore to never forgive me and walked away for months. What a silly fool I was to take you at your word."

  "I'm not saying I handled it well, but can't you see it from my side?"

  "I did, and I could have understood. But you didn't get in touch. You could have called me a million times – but you didn't. Whenever you came to your senses you never said a word to me. You can't put this on me, Matthew. I'm not the one who gave up on us. I'm not the one who threw everything we had away. Everything I've never felt before with anyone. I have never felt so safe and vulnerable with anyone, not even my brother. You did that. You changed me and then you just walked away."

  He made a movement as if to come towards me and I held up my hand to stop him. I was shaking.

  "You're the sensitive one, the nice one. Tell me what to do here. Tell me how to forgive you. Tell me how to stop hearing your words echoing in my head every time I talk to you. Tell me how to not see that look on your face every time I see you." A sob escaped. "Tell me, Matthew. Tell me how and I'll do it. Because the only thing worse than being without you is this. Being so close to you and feeling like this. Feeling the loss of it all again and again. Every cell in my body is crying out for you but I can't make it stop. I can't forget. I don't know how to let it go."

  I fell to my knees, weeping.

  Matthew came around the bed and stood next to me, but didn't touch me. "Maybe you never can get over this," he said softly.

  "Then you should get me fired. Because then there's no point to being in the same place. No point in causing each other so much pain if it never stops."

  He knelt down next to me and put a hand on my head, drawing my eyes up to meet his. "There is a point. Because you're right about me. Everything you said is true. I was an asshole. I was terrible, and it was unforgiveable. And the worst part is, it wasn't even about you, really. Not about what you did. I felt so unimportant that I thought everyone would be fine without me. Even you. But the time away was good for me, in the end. I got my head together. And I missed everyone so much. I missed things I usually hate."

  Matthew sighed. "That doesn't excuse my behavior, I know. But you're wrong about us being here. Seeing you – even when you despise me – is better than not seeing you. Even if you never forgive me I'll be happy to have spent every second I could with you. Happy I'm back and that you're here. Even if I can't get back the time we lost – the time I wasted – every minute now is better. Every second of my life
since I met you, even the terrible ones, every single one is better than all the years before I knew you."

  I shook my head. "That's ridiculous."

  He laughed. "Yeah, it is. And that's love." He cupped my cheek in one hand, wiping away my tears. "I love you, Ellie. And I always will, even if I'm terrible at it and you never love me back."

  "I don't even know what love is," I whispered, closing my eyes, unable to meet his gaze.

  "Yes, you do. This is love."

  Now I looked at him. "It sucks, then."

  "Sometimes." He held my hand tightly in his. "I'm sorry. I will spend the rest of my life apologizing to you if that's what it takes. I couldn't see the truth before. And I was afraid of it. But I'm not afraid now. I can't promise I won't mess up again. I can't promise anything but that I love you. Have loved you for a long time. And will love you forever, no matter what happens." He shrugged. "Sorry I don't have more to offer you. You do deserve more. You deserve everything."

  I swallowed past the lump in my throat, looked up, and drowned in his big hazel eyes. "More?" Tears streamed down my face as I surrendered. For the moment, pushed all the pain away. Let go of my fears and just let my heart hear his words, see his face. "There is nothing more. This is everything." It wasn't brave of me to say or weak to admit. It was just the truth. Maybe had been since the first time I saw his sweet smile, heard that first kind word.

  Everything I am knew before I could ever admit to myself. Matthew owned my heart and though he'd battered and bruised it, it still beat for him. For us. For the women I've become because of our love. And so, there was no decision to be made, not really. Just a promise, like the one he'd just made. A promise to try and be strong enough to get through the pain. Together.

  I blurted out something of this jumbled mess, unsure if it made any sense at all. But as his lips pressed against mine and his arms encircled me, I knew that he understood. He knew what I meant and how I felt, and he always had. And as usual, Matthew was right. Even the worst moments since we met were worth it for this, and I was more alive than I'd ever been before.

  "I love you, too," I murmured against his mouth. The words were part admission, part pledge. They changed everything, and changed nothing.