Love to Hate You

by Jennifer Sucevic

  He flinches. “Just…everything. It’s pretty clear that I can’t be involved in a relationship. I knew that going in and I ignored my better judgment.”

  The way his eyes plead with mine for understanding nearly breaks my heart in two. But he needs to hear the truth whether he wants to or not.

  “What happened wasn’t your fault, Carter,” I say. “That guy wouldn’t leave me alone. I told him politely, more than once, that I wasn’t interested. He should have walked away, and he didn’t.”

  “I almost hit him.” His voice breaks, and his gaze drops to his clenched fists again.

  “I know.” I reach out and lay my hands over his. I’m surprised when he doesn’t pull them away. The physical connection feels good.

  “When I saw him yank your hair…” He shakes his head as if he doesn’t want to relive the memory again. “I lost it,” he rasps.

  “No one blames you for that.” Not wanting him to get tripped up in the memories, I squeeze his fingers.

  “I blame myself.” He swallows, and his face loses some of its sun-kissed color. “Throwing a punch because I’m angry is exactly how my father would have reacted.”

  “You stopped yourself from doing it, Carter. That’s something your father never would have done,” I remind him.

  He bites his lip as hope and doubt flicker across his face. For a moment I wonder if maybe we’re making headway. But his next words prove just how wrong I am.

  “I can’t be in a relationship right now.” His gaze locks on mine, arrowing right to the heart of me. “I can’t be with you.”

  What he’s saying rips all my hope to shreds. My first impulse is to reason with him, but I can talk until I’m blue in the face and that won’t change his mind. Carter believes that he and his father are cut from the same cloth. Nothing I say will change that.

  It saddens me because nothing could be further from the truth.

  There’s a viciousness to Philip Prescott that Carter could never possess. I’m not only heartbroken for myself, but for Carter as well because he’s cheating himself out of something wonderful. He’s unwilling to open himself up and take a chance.

  The years he spent sleeping around and avoiding relationships now makes so much sense. Again, I’d assumed he was like a lot of guys around here, wanting to screw as many girls as possible, but that’s not the case. His issues lie so much deeper than that.

  Perhaps too deep for me to battle on my own.

  “Okay,” I sigh.

  “Okay?” His eyes widen.

  “What do you want me to say?” I shrug as a calmness settles over me and gives me a composure I didn’t think was possible. But I’m grateful for it all the same. “Do you want me to argue with you? To try and convince you that we should be together?”

  Slowly he shakes his head. “No.”

  There is a wealth of sadness in that word.

  Carter twists his hands until they’re able to clasp mine. The fist that had been clenching my heart for the last two weeks loosens.

  Just a bit.

  Just enough for me to breathe again.

  This isn’t the way I wanted our relationship to end, but it’s for the best.

  “I care about you, Carter. More than I’ve cared for anyone else.” I keep my gaze trained on his, wanting him to accept the sincerity of my word. “I hope you realize that.” Before he can formulate a response, I add, “But I won’t beg you to be with me.”

  With our hands clasped, I close the distance until I can press my lips against his. He opens willingly, surprising me again. My tongue slips inside his mouth to mingle and dance.

  This is goodbye.

  When I pull away, the sorrow filling his eyes tells me he understands that as well.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Carter

  As I lay on the bench in the gym and raise the bar before lowering it to my chest again, everything Daisy said the other day circles through my head. There’s a part of me that’s relieved by her acceptance of the situation. And then there’s a part that fucking hates it and doesn’t want to let her walk away.

  But what can I do?

  This is the way it needs to be. And yet, I can’t get her out of my head. She’s persistent as fuck. That’s always been the problem when it comes to Daisy. At some point, I have to reconcile myself to the fact that the emotions she stirs in me aren’t going to disappear overnight, no matter how much I might wish otherwise. She’s always meant more which is precisely why I need to proceed with caution.

  I can’t take one step back and expect it to be enough.

  I need to take ten.

  Maybe twenty.

  Irritated with myself for getting sucked into another Daisy loop, I refocus my attention and slowly lift the weights above my chest. When I hit the twentieth rep, I place the bar back on the stand and use my forearm to wipe the sweat from my brow. My muscles are fatigued, which is exactly what I want. I’m here so that I’ll stop thinking about Daisy but it’s not working. No matter where I go or what I do, there she is. Maybe not physically, but mentally.

  It’s frustrating as hell.

  How can I move on if she won’t get the hell out of my head?

  The door to the weight room opens and in walks Noah. He sees me on the bench and pauses. We give each other a silent chin lift in greeting.

  I hate that shit is weird between us.

  Not only have I fucked up my relationship with Daisy, I’ve fucked it up with Noah as well. Even though Daisy says we’re cool, I can’t bring myself to move back to the apartment. It’s the whole ten steps thing. I can’t take a chance on relapsing.

  If I have one weakness, it’s Daisy. I may have told her we can’t be together, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want her. The truth is that I want her so badly it’s like a physical ache. One that’s eating me from the inside out. I don’t know what to do about it.

  Noah pops his earbuds in and starts his rotation. I go back to what I was doing, pushing myself harder. We lift in silence for about thirty minutes before he stops and guzzles down a bottle of water.

  Again, his gaze meanders to me.

  This really sucks. It’s never been like this between us. Just like my relationship with Daisy, I have no idea how to fix this one either. When I think he’s going to get back to lifting, Noah pulls out his earbuds and drops down to the bench. His elbows settle on his widespread knees.

  “You ever coming back to the apartment?” he asks.

  Since I know he won’t like my answer, I shrug and lie. “Yeah, at some point.”

  He picks up his water bottle and takes another drink. “Daze said you guys talked and everything is good.”

  I wouldn’t go that far but, it’s as good as it’s going to get considering the circumstances. “Yeah, we’re fine.”

  He cocks his head. “Missed you at dinner the other night. Mom wanted to know where you were.”

  I wince before I can stop myself.

  If Noah’s trying to make me feel guilty, he’s doing a damn fine job of it.

  Marnie texted last week to let me know they were getting together for a family dinner. Being the coward that I am, I texted at the last minute with a BS excuse. Noah’s parents are aware of my relationship with Daisy. They also know that we broke up. I assume Daisy or Noah colored in all the ugly details.

  How am I supposed to sit across from them with everything out in the open?

  I couldn’t do it. The humiliation is too damn much to deal with.

  Frankly, I’m surprised they want me around. Haven’t I already proven that I’m no better than my father?

  Craig and Marnie can’t possibly want me with their niece. They’re probably thrilled we ended it.

  Who can blame them for wanting to protect Daisy?

  I glance away as heat creeps into my cheeks. “Something came up and I couldn’t make it.”

  We’ve been friends long enough for Noah to realize when I’m feeding him a load of shit.

  That’s confirmed when
he shakes his head and snorts, “When the hell did you become such a pussy?”

  My head whips up. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me,” he says gruffly. “I want to know when you became such a pussy?”

  At a loss, I say nothing.

  “I’ve known you since freshman year and you’ve always tackled everything head on.” Noah slices a hand through the air. “All this crap with your parents, you may not have wanted to deal with it, but you did. You’re always there, taking the brunt of your dad’s abuse like a punching bag.”

  Whatever color had been filling my face, drains away until I feel light headed. Noah may know about the circumstances surrounding my family, but it’s not something we openly discuss.

  So this…

  I don’t like it. A sick knot settles in my gut as I break out into a cold sweat.

  “And yet with Daisy, you’re tucking your tail between your legs and running away as fast as you can.”

  My throat closes, making it difficult to breathe. His assessment of the situation is spot on. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to admit it. I can barely acknowledge it to myself, let alone him.

  I clear my throat. “That’s not what I’m doing.” It takes effort to keep my voice level.

  “The hell you are,” Noah snaps. “First you avoid Daisy, and now my parents? You won’t come back to the apartment. What’s next?” His lips flatten into a thin line and his eyes turn hard. “You gonna avoid me, too?”

  I plow a hand through my hair and glance away.

  How can I argue with him?

  He’s right on all accounts and we both know it.

  “It’s not that simple,” I rasp.

  “Who the fuck said it would be?” There’s a pause. “I know how you feel about Daisy.”

  My gaze lifts reluctantly to his.

  “I also know you’ve always felt that way about her,” he continues.

  I shake my head as more lies fall from my lips. “No. I—”

  “Who the hell are you trying to fool?” He plants a hand on his chest and jerks his brows. “Me?” He shakes his head and smirks. “Nah, I’ve always been onto you, man.”

  When I sit there mutely, he continues. “You know, when Mom first mentioned your interest in Daisy freshman year, I didn’t see what she was talking about but then I watched you for a while and realized that she was right. You’d push Daisy’s buttons and piss her off to keep her away but that didn’t work, did it?”

  My head spins.

  Marnie knew how I felt the entire time?

  Noah, too?

  “Why didn’t you say something?” I mumble, feeling like a jackass.

  Noah shrugs. “It wasn’t my place. Plus, I was afraid Daisy would just mess with your head and move onto the next hapless victim, but you know what? You’re the one who’s fucked everything up, not her.”

  Noah doesn’t sugarcoat his explanation.

  “She deserves better than me.” My voice rises as panic sets in and I throw my arms wide. “You saw what almost happened. If Daisy hadn’t stopped me…” My words trail off as I choke on the fear rising in my throat. “Who knows what I would have done? What I’m capable of.”

  Noah’s lip curls and he snorts, “After what that guy did to Daisy, he deserved whatever punishment you would have meted out. He was drunk and acting like an asshole!” His expression sobers. “I’ve heard that he’s pulled this crap before.” Noah folds his arms across his chest. “My guess is that he won’t be so quick to manhandle a woman next time. I have no problem with how you handled the situation.” He glares and reiterates, “Not one damn bit.”

  A heavy bleakness churns in me, threatening to swallow me whole. “You don’t have the propensity for violence that I do.”

  He stabs a finger in my direction. “That’s bullshit, and you know it!”

  I hang my head between my shoulders and stare at the rubber mat beneath my feet. “Is it?”

  “You’re looking for any excuse to cut and run. And this is the one you’ve latched onto. You better open your fucking eyes, Carter, and see what you’re about to lose before it’s too late.”

  There’s a hopeful part in me that wants to believe what he’s saying.

  But I’ve walked around with this narrative in my head for too many years to abandon it so easily. “I would have fucked up my relationship with Daisy either way. It’s better for the both of us that it ended now rather than later.”

  Disgust fills his face as he shakes his head. “You know what? You might be right after all, maybe you don’t deserve Daisy.”

  With that, Noah walks out of the gym leaving me alone to stew in my thoughts.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Carter

  For the past few weeks, I’ve been camped out at the football house and living on the couch in the living room. And yeah, it’s gross as hell. I spend a lot of time trying not to think about the body fluids embedded in the material.

  If I’m lucky, I can catch a solid four hours of sleep at night. I didn’t admit it to Noah, but this shit is getting old. I miss my bed. I miss having Daisy wrapped in my arms. It’s the best damn feeling in the world.

  This place is worse than a frat house. There are six guys who live here, but I swear there’s at least quadruple that, coming and going at all hours. We’re in the middle of the season and these guys are cracking open cold ones every damn night of the week.

  Sure, I’ll have a few on the weekends but I’m not one to get shitfaced. Being out of control leaves a bad taste in my mouth. If I need to blow off steam, I’d much rather find a willing female to fuck.

  At least, that was my MO in the past.

  Daisy and I might not be together but touching another girl feels like cheating.

  Last night, I woke up to some random chick straddling my waist. Naked. Which is so not cool. Just because I’ve got a penis, doesn’t mean I don’t get to choose when I use it. This isn’t a damn carnival ride you can hop on and off of.

  Alright...Maybe it was in the past, but not anymore.

  Now it’s more like a monastery.

  A sharp rap on the front door knocks me from my thoughts. Most people don’t bother with such formality. They throw open the door and saunter in. So right there, I’m curious as to who it could be. Owen must feel the same because his brows jerk together as he lumbers into the entryway. Since this is his house, I let him do the honors.

  He opens the door and his deep voice rumbles out. “Can I help you?”

  There’s a pause.

  “I certainly hope so.”

  The moment I hear her voice, I shoot off the couch and fly to the door.

  Shit.

  I wrap my fingers around the wood and yank it all the way open. “Hi.”

  Marnie Walker’s eyes soften when she sees me. If I was expecting anger or disgust, there is none. She takes a moment, allowing her gaze to run over the length of me as if cataloguing that everything is the way it should be.

  Owen narrows his eyes, taking in her blue scrubs as he points a beefy finger in her direction. “You’re not from the health department, are you?”

  Marnie peers around him until she can look inside the house. Whatever she sees is enough to draw a firm conclusion. “No. But I can understand why you might be worried.”

  I jab my elbow into Owen’s side although it’s doubtful he feels anything. Owen is a big motherfucker. He’s muscle on top of muscle, on top of even more muscle. Think King Kong swatting at one of those pesky planes.

  That’s Owen in a nutshell.

  “Dude,” I roll my eyes. “This is Marnie Walker, Noah’s Mom.”

  His stance visibly relaxes. “Oh, right.” He scratches his chin as a smile spreads across his face. “Sorry, Mrs. W. The scrubs threw me for a moment.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” she says easily. “Happens all the time.”

  “Ahhh, are you looking for Noah?” Owen’s brow furrows. “’Cause he’s not here.”

  “No, I’m actually h
ere to speak with Carter.” She clears her throat as her gaze falls on me. “Do you have a few minutes, so we can talk?”

  Some of my happiness at seeing her drains away. I can only imagine what Marnie wants to discuss. Maybe she wants to reconfirm that Daisy and I aren’t getting back together.

  As much as I dread this conversation, I give her a tight nod. “Sure.” I glance behind me at the living room and contemplate the options. There are beer cans strewn across the coffee table.

  Wait a minute…what the hell is that?

  I narrow my eyes.

  Is that a thong on the chair?

  Shit. That’s definitely a thong.

  Nope. I can’t invite her in here. Plus, it’s highly doubtful she’d want to sit on the furniture. Most of the time, I feel like I need to hose myself off with Lysol after I get up.

  Decision made, I slip through the door past Owen onto the porch. “There’s a park about a block away, do you want to go there?”

  The edges of her lips curl up as if she knows why I didn’t invite her inside. “Sure, that works.”

  I glance at Owen. If he thinks it’s odd that I’m taking off with Noah’s mother, he doesn’t say a word. Which is for the best. Owen might outweigh me by a good fifty pounds, but I’ll kick his ass if he makes one inappropriate comment about Marnie Walker.

  This woman can do no wrong as far as I’m concerned. Noah and Daisy are lucky to have her. And before all this, I was lucky to have her in my life as well. That thought is like a kick in the gut.

  I stuff my hands into the pockets of my jeans as we head down the street to the small park nearby. There’s not much to it—just a slide, swing set, and monkey bars—but it’s good for what we need.

  Privacy.

  There’s a bench on the other side of the equipment. Once we’re settled, Marnie angles her body toward me. There is no beating around the bush with Noah’s Mom. For as long as I’ve known her, she’s taken a no-nonsense approach to life. It can be a little disconcerting and entirely too forthright.

  Most of the time, I appreciate it.

  At this moment, though?

  Not so much.