Tied to Him

by Tia Siren

  “You said you were drunk, but that doesn’t explain why you’d do such a thing.” I studied his face as he stared at the dirty kitchen floor, as if the dust bunnies dancing over the linoleum held the answers. His eyes filled with tears and he tried to wipe them away without me noticing.

  “Chase, what is it?” My heart suddenly ached for him. I got up from the table and put my arms around his neck. I pulled him close and rested my cheek on his chest. I knew he had a heart. I could hear it beating inside his chest.

  “Tell me why you’re so sad,” I said. “You helped me. Now let me help you.”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN: Chase

  Floodgates.

  I didn’t know why, but having Audrey’s arms around me and her head resting on my chest opened the floodgates, releasing the emotions and rage I had been harboring for so long.

  We went to sit on the couch and I told her all about my pathetic, miserable life. I knew that it would drive her away, but that was okay. She’d given me the greatest gift a woman could offer a man. I was her first, but she was under no obligation to stick around to deal with an asshole like me.

  “Emily and I were married right out of college,” I said, exhaling the words. I spied the pack of cigarettes on the coffee table but tried to ignore them. I had to do this sober or I wouldn’t do it at all. “We had Kiley, our little girl, a few years later.”

  “Do you have a picture of her?” Audrey asked, looking around the living room, which was cluttered with clothes, trash, cigarette butts, and empty beer bottles.

  “I put all of her pictures away,” I said quietly. “I don’t want her to see me like this.”

  It was a silly notion, that my dead daughter couldn’t see me if I stored her photos away. My head seemed to be full of silly notions these days. Silly or not, god forbid she see the pitiful asshole her daddy had become.

  I felt Audrey’s fingers gently stroking the back of my neck. Her fingers felt cool and comforting on my skin. She said, “Tell me about Kiley.”

  I took a deep breath, and for the next hour I told her everything there was to tell about Kiley.

  What a hard labor Emily had.

  What a pretty baby she was.

  What a happy toddler she became.

  How wonderful and infectious her laugh was.

  How she loved to hold my hands and stand on my toes and dance with me.

  How I read her Winnie the Pooh each night at bedtime.

  How we had to watch hours of Barney & Friends.

  How I called her “My Angel” and bought her little angel figurines to set around her room.

  How my heart grew ten sizes each time she smiled at me.

  And how she died one afternoon as we drove home from school.

  I never saw the other driver coming.

  I saw lights.

  I heard brakes.

  I smelled smoke and felt the heat of a fire.

  I heard my angel scream for her daddy.

  Then darkness.

  I woke up in the hospital eight days later with a broken body and a dead daughter.

  “My life ended that day,” I said quietly, wiping the tears from my eyes. “I stopped caring about everyone and everything. Emily tried to be patient, but I started drinking and eventually drove her away, too.” I glanced into Audrey’s eyes. She was crying. She rested her head on my shoulder and put a hand over my heart.

  “It wasn’t your fault,” she whispered. “Kiley would not want you to punish yourself like this.”

  I snorted at her. “How would you know what Kiley would want?” I asked, pulling away from her. “How could you possibly know what my little girl would want?”

  Rather than run away, Audrey took a deep breath and looked me square in the eyes. “Because my dad died three years ago of liver disease,” she said, tears streaming down her cheeks. “He drank himself to death, just like you’re trying to do. And I can tell you with all my heart, the only thing I ever wanted was for him to be happy. Because when he was happy, he didn’t drink.”

  Audrey got off the couch and knelt in front of me. She held out her hands. I rested my hands in hers and gazed into her eyes.

  “Kiley wants you to be happy, Chase,” she said. “She wouldn’t want you to live like this. I think that’s why you and I have been brought together. Kiley told you to give me an F because she knew that I could help you get your life back. I couldn’t do it for my own father, but maybe I can do it for hers.”

  I smiled at her. “Kiley told me to give you an F?”

  “You never know,” she said, climbing onto my lap and wrapping her arms around my neck. “Angels work in mysterious ways.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY: Chase

  Nancy Dorfmann glanced at me from across her immaculate desk with a look of disgust on her face. She had a pair of reading glasses perched on the tip of her pudgy nose and was scanning a printout of the posts from FaceSpace, which the dean had ordered taken down, but not before Nancy could print them out.

  “This is disgusting,” Nancy said, alternately reading a comment and then looking at me as if I had written it. “I can’t believe our students would post such filth.”

  “I agree,” I said, frowning along with her and giving her a nod. “Most of these kids are shitheads, Nancy. But I’m not sure what that has to do with me. I didn’t post a comment to the thread.”

  “Your actions prompted these shitheads to do this,” Nancy said, setting the pages aside and glaring at me over the top of the glasses. “You are becoming an embarrassment to this institution, Professor Hollander.”

  “I know.”

  “Neglecting to follow procedures, showing up to class inebriated, failing to administer the required tests, failing to submit status reports. And god only knows what other rules you’ve broken that we don’t know about.”

  “I think you covered most of them,” I said.

  She took off her glasses and shook them at me. “Do you find this funny?”

  “Probably no funnier than you do,” I said with a shrug.

  “I don’t find it funny at all.”

  “Then neither do I.”

  She glared at me for a moment. “I don’t understand you,” she said in her most disappointed tone. “You had such a bright career. For years you were the star of this department. Your students loved you. Your work was published in the top academic journals. The administrators and your peers respected you. And most importantly, you respected yourself. And now…”

  “And now I don’t,” I said with a shrug.

  The high I’d been on when I walked into Nancy’s office was gone. Now all I could think about was getting the fuck out of there and getting home so I could get shit-faced drunk.

  Funny, the difference a few minutes can make. I’d spent the entire weekend with Audrey, and while my life outside of this office seemed to be looking up, I had pretty much fucked my career and left it to die on the side of the highway where I’d lost Kiley.

  “The dean has asked for my recommendation regarding your future here at Trent State,” she said. “As you know, we can terminate your tenure with just cause.”

  “I understand.”

  “I think we have just cause.”

  “I think you do,” I said, shrugging with my eyebrows.

  I was a disappointing fuckup, tried and true, but I wasn’t going to give Nancy Dorfmann the pleasure of firing me.

  Before she could say another word, I got out of the chair and left her office.

  There was a fifth of whiskey in the glove box of my car that was calling my name.

  It would be gone by the time I got home.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: Audrey

  Rachel’s eyes were as big as saucers as she stared across the table at me. The Starbucks on campus was packed, so we were grabbing a cup of coffee at a little off-campus shop called Brewster’s. It was much quieter than Starbucks and the coffee didn’t taste like burnt shoe leather. Or Chase’s prehistoric K-cups.

  “You and Professor Hollander s
pent the weekend together?” Rachel said, her mouth hanging open. “No fucking way.”

  “Yes, fucking way,” I said, proudly flexing my eyebrows. “And yes, we fucked in every way you can imagine. We might have even done a few things that you’ve never done.”

  “I find that hard to believe,” she said with a grin. She threw her hands in the air and looked at the ceiling. “Thank the lord this all worked out okay. I just knew you were never going to speak to me again after Duke posted that shit on FaceSpace.”

  “Duke’s an asshole,” I said.

  “I know,” Rachel said. “But he’s hung like a horse.”

  “I know. That’s the important thing.”

  “Speaking of hung, how was Professor Hollander in bed? Were you adequately satisfied?”

  I grinned at her. “Yes, adequately satisfied in every way,” I said with a sigh.

  “So, what now?” Rachel asked. “You want me to fix you up with one of Duke’s pals so you can work on perfecting your technique?”

  I shook my head. “No, actually. Chase and I…”

  “Oh shit,” she said, putting a hand to her mouth.

  I blinked at her. “What is it?”

  “You’re gonna see him again, aren’t you?”

  “Well, yes. I was thinking…”

  “Audrey, you can’t do that,” she said.

  “Why can’t I?”

  “Because the man is old enough to be your father for one,” she said, scolding me with her eyes.

  “Seriously? You’re going to play the age card? You, the girl who fucked a sixty-year-old man just to see what it would be like?”

  “I was doing Viagra research,” Rachel said with a smirk. “And that old man was not a professor.”

  “What’s that got to do with anything?”

  “Audrey, Chase Hollander is a professor. There are rules. He can’t get involved with you. They’ll fire his ass.”

  I blinked at her. “They will?”

  “Of course they will. There are strict rules about professors and students getting involved. Why do you think I haven’t fucked more professors?”

  “I just assumed you preferred dumb jocks with big cocks,” I said, trying to laugh when I really wanted to cry. I hadn’t thought about what our relationship might do to Chase’s career. If we were discovered, he could be fired on the spot, tenured or not. And his career was really all he had left.

  “Shit, Rach, what am I going to do?” I asked with tears welling in my eyes. “I mean, I think I really like him. I mean I really, really like him.”

  “Well, if you like him you’ll leave him alone,” she said, wagging a finger at me. “You need to just thank him for popping your cherry and move along. You don’t want to be responsible for that man losing his job, especially is he’s as fucked up as you say he is.”

  “I didn’t say he was fucked up,” I said defensively.

  “He’s a forty-three-year-old man with a drinking problem and a death wish,” she said. “That’s fucked up. You do not need that shit in your life. The grades were fixed this morning. You got your B. Now let it go. Leave Chase Hollander alone and get on with your life.”

  “I don’t know if I can do that,” I said, biting my lip to keep from crying.

  Rachel squeezed my arm. “Audrey, you have no choice. The man has enough problems. Don’t make yourself one of them.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: Chase

  I sat in the parking lot outside Nancy Dorfmann’s office with the unopened fifth of whiskey nestled between my legs, thinking about the mess I’d made of my life.

  My baby girl was dead.

  My wife was gone.

  My career was over.

  My hopes and dreams had disappeared long ago.

  Everything was all gone.

  The only thing left for me now was to be gone myself.

  My phone was lying in the seat next to me. It buzzed and I glanced over at the screen. It was Audrey calling to see how my meeting with Dorfmann went. Audrey, the one ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark and hopeless world.

  I thought about ignoring the call and just letting it go to voice mail, but I owed her more than that. I blew out a long breath as I brought the phone to my ear and said, “Hey.”

  “I can’t see you anymore,” she said quickly. I could tell she had been crying. I didn’t say anything. I just listened. This wasn’t a surprise. This was just icing on the Chase Hollander cake.

  She said, “I’m sorry, Chase. I really like you, but I don’t want to screw up your career. I really hope you get your shit together, because you are a wonderful person and any girl would be lucky to have you. I just can’t let that girl be me. I’m so sorry…” She paused for a moment. “Chase? Chase? I can hear you breathing. Say something…”

  I didn’t say anything, so she hung up the phone.

  Now Audrey was gone, too.

  I tossed the phone on the seat and sat there with my fingers on the cap of the whiskey bottle. My Kiley had been killed by a guy who’d gotten shit-faced and drove his car into us.

  I wasn’t going to do that to anyone. I set the whiskey in the seat, started the car, and headed for home.

  I’d caused enough misery to other people.

  What I had to do I would do alone.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: Audrey

  I must have been exhausted, because after I called Chase to tell him I couldn’t see him anymore, I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, it was dark outside the bedroom window.

  I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes, which were still swollen from crying. I switched on the lamp and looked for my phone. I found it tangled in the covers. I had five texts from Rachel, a voice mail from my mom, but nothing from Chase.

  No call, no text, no nothing.

  I wiped the fresh tears from my eyes and tossed the phone aside. I was a little pissed at Chase, but I didn’t know why. I mean, what did I expect him to do?

  Did I expect him to call me back or show up at my door to talk me out of breaking it off with him?

  Or did I expect him to just crawl back under his rock and wait to die?

  The thought sent a chill down my spine. Chase had made a comment to me at some point during the weekend. I hadn’t given it much thought at the time, but now the words came back to haunt me like an ill wind. I couldn’t remember the exact words, but it was something like, “When you have nothing left to live for, life isn’t really worth living.”

  A sense of panic swept through my body. I had forgotten that Chase had a meeting with his boss earlier in the day to find out if he was going to be fired.

  Then I broke up with him over the phone.

  Jesus, Audrey, you’re a bigger asshole than he is!

  But would Chase do something to harm himself because of me?

  Did he really feel that life wasn’t worth living anymore?

  Was he that close to the edge?

  I picked up the phone and called Chase’s number. The phone rang a dozen times and then went to voice mail. I hung up without leaving a message. I thumbed in a text message and waited for a reply.

  AUDREY: Chase? Are you there? Chase?

  The blinking cursor mocked me, but there was no reply.

  “Fuck, no, Chase. Don’t you do it!” I said, switching on the bedside lamp. I slid my feet into the running shoes that were on the floor next to the bed and ran into the living room.

  My purse and car keys were on the sofa. I had to get to Chase’s house before he did something crazy! I would never forgive myself if I had been the one to push him over the edge.

  I ran to the door and jerked it open.

  And nearly ran into Chase, who was standing there with his knuckles outstretched, about to knock on my door.

  I immediately felt the breath rush from my lungs and I fell into his arms.

  Then darkness.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: Chase

  I’d never had anyone literally faint in my arms before. I was just about to knock on Audre
y’s apartment door when she jerked the door open and stared at me with a look of terror in her eyes. She looked at me as if she’d seen a ghost, and then she fell into my arms.

  I scooped her up and carried her inside and gently set her on the couch. I wet a cold rag and placed it over her forehead and waited for her to wake up.

  “Hey you,” I said as her eyelids fluttered. I put my hand to her forehead to take the rag. “Are you okay?”

  She looked at me for a moment, then burst into tears and grabbed me. She didn’t just put her arms around me. I mean she grabbed me and put me in a bear hug and held on till I could hardly breath.

  “Oh god, Chase, I thought you were going to do something awful,” she said, burying her face in my shoulder. “I was afraid you were going to…”

  “Kill myself?” I asked, gently pushing her back so I could gaze into her eyes. I couldn’t lie to her. If this was going to work, whatever this was, I had to always be honest with her.

  “I thought about it,” I said quietly, closing my eyes. “I went home and gathered up every ounce of booze I had in the place and set it on the coffee table. I was going to drink until I couldn’t drink anymore, and then I was going to turn on the gas in the oven and stick my head in. Or I was going to set the place on fire. I hadn’t really worked out all the details.”

  “Oh, Chase,” she said, tugging at my shirt. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and it broke my heart to know that I was the reason she was crying. “So, did you take a drink?”

  I shook my head. “No. Not a drop. In fact, I poured it all down the toilet. It took me half an hour, but I flushed it all. Somewhere right now there’s a pack of sewer rats having one hell of a party.”

  She grinned and wiped her nose on her sleeve. “So what happened? What changed your mind?”

  “You’re going to think it’s silly,” I said.

  “No. I promise I won’t. Please tell me.”

  “I opened the first bottle and started to take a drink, and then I remembered something you said about your dad.” I blinked away the tears in my eyes and smiled at her. “You said that you couldn’t save your own father, but maybe you could save Kiley’s.”