The Rhythm of My Heart

by Velvet Reed

  “You’re crazy.” I giggle.

  “Crazy about you and our baby,” he says, and pulls me in for a smoldering kiss that really isn’t appropriate at this moment when our families surround us on Christmas day.

  “All right, you two, knock it off,” my dad interrupts. “There’re more presents to get through.”

  Resting our foreheads together, I sigh in contentment. “Merry Christmas, Cole.”

  “Merry Christmas, Gracie,” he replies.

  Staying where I’m perched on Cole’s lap, we turn our attention back to everyone else. Ruby is so excited about her gifts; she picks one up for five minutes, and then puts it down again and grabs another one, wanting to play with everything at once. She certainly has been spoiled this year with everything that Cole’s family has given her as well as her usual stash from Charlie, Dad, and me. John, Olivia, April, and Sam have all fallen under Ruby’s little charms and treat her as if she’s their own grandchild and niece. Ruby has taken to them completely too, and the fact that they’ve all made an effort in learning the basic signs is touching. Nicole’s family was never around even before Ruby was born, so it’s as if Ruby is getting a whole, new, extended family, too.

  Watching how happy and excited she gets every time she opens a new gift, and then running up to Cole to show him what she got, is precious. Cole gives her his complete attention; since he’s been learning more sign language too, he’s been able to communicate with her more. Ever since that first night of babysitting, she’s adored Cole and he’s adored her right back. He really is going to be an amazing dad.

  When the last present has been opened, the men start cleaning up the paper and packaging, while we women head to the kitchen to finish fixing the food. With so many pairs of hands helping out, we’re sitting at the table enjoying Christmas dinner before we know it.

  Everyone’s exuberantly happy. The sound of Christmas carols, playing as background music, sets the perfect mood as we continue to sit around the table after all the dinner dishes have been cleared away. Knowing that this is the perfect time for Cole and me to let everyone know our plans, I reach under the table and place my hand on his thigh to subtlety get his attention. When he turns to me, I quietly whisper, “I think we should do it now.”

  “Okay, let’s do it,” he replies.

  “May I have everyone’s attention for a few minutes, please?” Cole says, causing all conversation to stop, and everyone to look at him expectantly. “Gracie and I have been discussing a few things, and we thought that this would be the perfect time to share it with you all.”

  “Oh, you’re getting married!” Olivia exclaims, and I watch Cole’s expression change slightly.

  He gives an awkward little chuckle. “No, actually, that’s not what I was going to say.”

  Olivia’s excitement over the prospect of a wedding deflates instantly.

  “Oh,” she murmurs, and then quickly composes herself. “So, what’s the news then?”

  Good save, Olivia.

  “Okay. So we know it’s a little early considering the baby isn’t here yet, but we’ve decided that we are definitely getting the baby baptized, and we know who we want the godparents to be.”

  As I look around the table, I can see the keen interest on a few faces. Cole glances at me, smiles, takes my hand, and brings it to his lips and kisses it before continuing.

  “We know that this baby is going to be blessed with so much love, and we really couldn’t choose one person over another.”

  “Just say who it is, already.” April blurts out, cutting Cole off.

  Everyone chuckles at her impatience.

  “Anyway, April, we want both you and Ashley to be the godmothers,” Cole tells them.

  Both of them jump out of their chairs squealing with delight. Seriously, you’d think they just won the lottery. They hug each other and are around the table hugging Cole and me within seconds. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. We’re going to be the best godmothers, and now we have even more right to spoil the baby,” April excitedly announces.

  When they return to their seats, Cole starts again. Wow! Who would have thought asking people to be godparents would be such a drawn out affair. “And we’d love it if both Charlie and Sam would be the godfathers.”

  “Hell yes, we will,” Charlie declares, and he’s up giving Cole a man hug and then pulls me into his arms as well. “I’ll always protect your baby, just like you do with Ruby, Gracie. I’m honored that you would have me,” he says, with complete sincerity.

  “We wouldn’t want anyone else, Charlie,” I reply.

  It’s then I notice that Sam hasn’t moved or said anything about our request. Cole clearly notices as well. “I take it you’re not interested, Sam,” Cole remarks with a slight edge in his tone.

  I can’t read the expression on Sam’s face at all, but it’s blatantly obvious that his eyes are glassy. He stands up. “Yes, of course… Thanks… I… I’ll be back in a minute.” And that’s all he says, as he leaves the room.

  Cole looks as confused by Sam’s reaction as everyone else at the table is. I’m not sure how to take his response, but if he doesn’t want to be the baby’s godfather then he doesn’t have to be.

  “I’ll go speak to him.” Olivia offers, but Cole stops her right away.

  “No, mom, Gracie and I’ll go. You guys start on dessert; we’ll be right back.” He reaches for my hand and helps me stand, and then leads me toward the living room without saying a word. When we reach the entrance, we see Sam standing in front of the Christmas tree, just staring at it.

  “Look, Sam, if you don’t want to do it, it’s fine. It’s not like we’re going to tie you down and make you,” Cole tells him.

  Sam shakes his head, and when he speaks, his voice breaks a little but he doesn’t turn to face us. “I’ve never been asked to take on a responsibility like this before. I mean, I know I have a duty to care for my patients but this is completely different.” He turns to us now and his eyes have welled with unshed tears. “I know for some people being a godparent is just a title, but it’s not to me. You’re asking me to be more than the surrogate uncle.”

  “You’re not a surrogate uncle, Sam,” I declare.

  “Yeah, I am. I’m not the baby’s uncle by blood like Charlie is, but by being a godparent, it means that I’ll have a permanent place in its life.”

  “Of course, you have a permanent place in the baby’s life. You’re my best friend; goddamn it, and I’ve considered you my brother since the day you came to live with us. Blood means nothing. What’s going on with you, Sam? I thought you’d be happy and excited about this,” Cole says.

  “I’m honored guys, really, I am. I honestly don’t know how to explain to you both what I’m feeling right now, but I do know that I’d do anything, anything at all, for either of you or the baby. Thank you for believing that I’m worthy of the role; it means more than you know,” Sam confesses.

  Since I’ve been pregnant, I’ve gotten to know Sam really well. We’ve become great friends, and he does have the protective big brother vibe happening at times. Therefore, right now, I get the feeling that he is struggling with emotions that he’s not familiar with. There’s definitely something deeper going on. I need to talk about it with Cole later and see how we can help him.

  “There’s no one else we trust more with our child than the four of you, Sam. You have to know how important you are to us,” Cole tries to convince him; he walks over and pulls Sam in for a man hug.

  “The feeling’s mutual.” he mumbles, and it suddenly occurs to me that Sam has some major issues expressing himself and dealing with his feelings. The need to go comfort him has me moving across the room and pulling him into a hug.

  “You are going to be an amazing uncle and godfather, Sam.”

  “Thanks, Gracie,” he responds and pulls back clearly ready to end the conversation.

  “All right, let’s get back in there before April eats all the trifle and we’re left with the damn ap
ple crumble,” Cole says, jovially.

  “Don’t worry; I hid a bunch of the Christmas cookies from her. I’ve got you covered.” Sam snickers as he claps Cole on the shoulder and heads back to the dining room, in seemingly cheerier spirits than moments before. His change in demeanor does nothing to settle the concern I’m feeling for him though.

  “Let’s get some dessert, baby,” Cole suggests, as he comes to my side and wraps an arm around my waist guiding me back to our families.

  With the festive mood quickly returning, the rest of the day goes by without a hitch; there’s no more talk about godparents. A game of Pictionary has everyone in hysterics over our pitiful artistic skills, and the teasing banter ensures a wonderful Christmas is had by all.

  My final thought of the day as I drift off to sleep in Cole’s arms is while this Christmas has been fantastic, next year will be even better because we’ll have our own little Christmas elf to spoil.

  Chapter 42

  Ashley….

  It’s New Year’s Eve, a night to celebrate the end of one year and the start of another. A night where you get to let loose and then wipe the slate clean, ready for a fresh start. A night when people make silly little promises about how they’re going to change, but they rarely follow through on them. But not me, I don’t make resolutions; I make plans. Realistic plans like offering new services to my customers. Chocolate and cookie bouquets… Yum! Taking a week off and going somewhere tropical, so I can relax and soak up the sun. And my last plan… putting myself out there and making more of an effort to meet someone normal; someone I can actually have a decent relationship with.

  Seeing how happy Gracie is with Cole has me wanting the same thing. I want someone who will love me unconditionally. I was raised by my Grandmother, because my parents thought I was too much of a burden and left. I haven’t seen them since I was six years old, and Grammy died when I was nineteen. I am lucky that Grammy left me her house in her will; I may not have any biological family around, but at least I have a home. The only home I’ve ever known. Bryan, Gracie, Charlie, and Rubes have always been my family. They’ve shown me how a family should love each other, but I want my own family, too. So, as I said, in the New Year, I plan on opening up more; I hope I can be as happy as Gracie, too.

  “Hey, you okay?” Gracie asks, as she takes a seat beside me on the outdoor lounge. Cole has had the huge deck closed in with detachable screens that make it look just like another room. There are a few outdoor heaters keeping the area warm with people milling around them, even though the night isn’t too cold. The Tierneys are here, of course, and Bryan and Charlie, too; some hospital staff, the girls that I work with, and loads of kids are here. The atmosphere’s buoyant with music playing, laughter, and an abundance of food and drink. Why am I feeling so down?

  “Yeah, I’m great,” I reply, trying to disguise my mood with an overly bright smile.

  Gracie cocks her eyebrow. “Don’t lie to me, Ashley Brookes. I’ve been your best friend since we started elementary school. I know when you’re hiding your feelings, and quite frankly, you don’t want to screw with a pregnant woman when she can’t have a drink on New Year’s Eve.”

  “One drink isn’t going to hurt you, is it? I mean, surely, you can have a little sip,” I say, trying to change the subject.

  “In case you’ve forgotten, the baby’s father is a doctor; its grandfather is a doctor, and its uncle is a doctor. I’m pregnant, not stupid, Ash. There’s no way I’m going to subject myself to any fetal alcohol syndrome lectures, even for the sake of one sip.”

  I start giggling at the thought. “They’re not going to lecture you for one sip, Gracie,” I try to convince her.

  “Ha! I’m not even going to tell you how many times Cole has discussed my pelvic floor muscles. You pee yourself a little one time and it becomes a major medical crisis,” she retorts.

  Choking on the sip of drink I just took, I stare at my best friend in disbelief. “You… You peed yourself?”

  “God! It was like two little dribbles, okay. But everyone has to make a big deal about it. The baby was pushing on my bladder, and I was crying. Sue me.”

  I burst into hysterical laughter as the image of Gracie peeing herself flashes through my mind. “Oh, my God! That’s the funniest thing ever,” I exclaim.

  “You can laugh about it now, Ashley, but I’ll be laughing and saying I told you so when you’re pregnant, trust me.”

  Well, that won’t be happening for a while, so there’s no need to worry about it yet.

  “So… Are you going to talk to me?” She asks.

  I lean over and place my hand on her stomach. “Has the baby been kicking much today?” I ask.

  Grace picks up my hand and moves it to a different spot where I feel the baby moving about. “That’s so incredible, you know. Does it feel weird on the inside?” I know I’m trying to deflect the subject again, but I don’t want to bring down Gracie’s happiness by admitting I’m slightly jealous of her.

  “Yes, it is incredible. No, it doesn’t feel too weird, and no, you are not going to distract me because I know you’re not yourself. Come on, Ash; please just tell me what’s going on. Stress isn’t good for the baby, you know.” She pouts at the end for dramatic effect.

  I smile because I love this girl fiercely. “You had to use the baby guilt trip, huh?” I giggle, and Gracie smiles innocently in return. “It’s nothing really. I… It’s just seeing how happy you are with Cole; it makes me want that, you know? I want to be loved and adored. I want someone to share my life with.”

  Gracie places her hand on top on mine where the baby is still moving about. Her touch is comforting. “It will happen, Ash. I know it will. No one deserves their happily ever after more than you do. Just give it time and your very own prince charming will come charging in and carry you off into the sunset.”

  “Yeah, well, this year I’m going to help make it happen. I’m going to put myself out there more, be open to new people and experiences. I should ask Cole if there are any other hot doctors working at the hospital.”

  “There’s always Sam,” Gracie says, tentatively.

  I snort. I actually snort aloud. “Yeah, thanks, but no thanks,” I tell her.

  “You know he’s a really great guy when you get to know him. Give him a chance and I actually think you would like him,” she encourages.

  The problem is I do like him. Even when he acts like a complete ass, I’m still attracted to him more than I’ve ever been attracted to any other guy in my life. Sam has acted like a jerk from the moment I met him, which sends me straight into defense mode. I try to make fun of his comments, but too many times his words have hurt, like the night I performed in leather at Pitch and Tone. I was trying to get his attention, but both Sam and his date, basically, called me a whore. I cried for hours that night when I crawled into bed. Sam’s a lost cause and I’m not going to waste my time being attracted to him any longer.

  “Maybe he is, but I’m not interested in Sam,” I lie. “And anyway, he’s over there with Nurse Barbie. It doesn’t look like he needs any more friends.”

  Looking over in Sam’s direction, I watch as the chick beside him leans in close and whispers something in his ear. Sam smiles at what she’s saying and puts his arm around her waist, pulling her closer. He looks down at her and says something that makes her laugh. She places her hand against his chest in a flirty gesture, causing my stomach to twist into a tight knot. I’m kidding myself, if I think I can turn off this attraction I have for him.

  As if sensing my eyes on him, he looks up and glances around the yard until his blue eyes meet with mine. I quickly look away, but I can feel my cheeks heat with embarrassment from being caught staring at him. God, he’s gorgeous. Unable to stop myself, I peer up at him again and find his gaze still locked on me. He raises his eyebrow in question, and then smirks and turns away to place a kiss on Nurse Barbie’s forehead. Jerk!

  “Do you want another drink?” I ask Gracie because I know she
just watched the exchange between Sam and me; I don’t want to face any more of her questions. I need some space.

  “No, I’m good,” she replies, but I’m not blind to the sad, little, sympathetic smile she gives me.

  “Okay. Well, I’m getting a drink; then, I’m going to mingle. Let me know if you need me for anything.”

  “Sure, no problem. Only a few more hours till the big countdown, so make sure you find me when it’s time,” she says, rising from her seat, holding her belly.

  “Absolutely,” I say, and head straight for the alcohol.

  I spend the next few hours chatting with the other guests and introducing myself to the ones I don’t know. I’ve joined April and Allison on the makeshift dance floor for a few songs, but I really couldn’t get into it. Now with only ten minutes until the clock strikes midnight, I need an escape. There’s no way I’m going to stand here like an idiot while everyone around me rings in the New Year with a kiss. Slipping inside the house, I decide to head for the shadows of the hallway to wait until it’s all over and then rejoin the party without anyone noticing I’m gone.

  Time ticks by slowly as I listen to the all the joyful chatter going on throughout the house. “Suck it up, princess. It will all be over in a few minutes,” I tell myself.

  “Down here with all your friends, I see.”

  His voice drifts over to me, causing a shiver to run through my body. I can’t let him affect me.

  “Leave me alone, Sam,” I say, my voice lacking conviction.

  “I didn’t see you with a date tonight.”

  “Wow, you’re a genius. That would be because I didn’t bring one,” I sarcastically reply.

  “That’s too bad. Now you have no one to kiss when the clock strikes twelve.”

  What the hell does he want?

  “Why don’t you run back to Nurse Barbie and annoy her with your witty conversation? I’m really not in the mood for your crap tonight, Vagina Man.”

  Even with the little light shining on my hiding spot, I can see the fire ignite in his eyes.