Shock

by Francine Pascal

  “All right, I’ll try it,” Gaia said. “But the minute I start feeling stupid, I’m out of here.”

  “It’s a deal,” Jake said.

  They joined the group in the middle of the park, imitating the poses of the people in front of them as they moved through a slow-motion series of stances that went back thousands and thousands of years. A lot of them were similar to the ones Gaia knew from martial arts training, but holding them and moving through them at superslow speed made her feel weirdly calm. Her muscles seemed to really enjoy it, and she felt the whirling gyroscope of her brain begin to slow to a comfortable hum. After a few minutes the two of them stopped, stepped out from the huddle of people, and walked slowly up the street.

  Gaia didn’t really feel like talking. She didn’t want to break the silence in her head. She remembered this feeling from scuba diving: After coming up to the surface, even the biggest motormouths tended to just sit in a blissful daze. The shoop-shoop breathing sounds of the deep lulled everyone into a waking sleep. She felt that way now, too.

  Apparently Jake felt the same way. He was just strolling along, eyes cast downward, in as meditative a silence as she was. He looked up and smiled, still not speaking. Gaia didn’t go so far as to smile back, but she didn’t feel the need to scowl at him and look away, either.

  Well. This was nice. No accusations, no arguing, no betrayal, no weirdness. Maybe all I needed was to get away from everyone, Gaia mused. Everyone I’m usually around, anyway.

  “So where did you learn to fight?” Jake asked her as they walked toward the F train.

  “Oh…I don’t know.”

  “Come on. Of course you know,” Jake pressed.

  Gaia shrugged. “It was just something I got really into when I was a kid,” she told him.

  “Uh, no.” Jake shook his head. “If it was just a hobby, you wouldn’t have such professional-level skills. What are you really? One of those circus kids? Like Jackie Chan? Did a traveling martial arts circus take you away from your parents at the age of three and mold you into a killer?”

  Gaia laughed. That made twice in one day, she noted. “It wasn’t quite that dramatic,” she nonanswered, sidestepping the question. “What about you?”

  “Oh, I got interested the way every other red-blooded American does,” he told her. “By seeing a Bruce Lee movie with my older brother at an impressionable age. After that, I had to do it. I guess I was kind of a weird kid because I never got tired of it, never gave it up, even when we got Nintendo.”

  “Wow, you stuck with it even in the face of impending Sonic the Hedgehog,” Gaia said dryly. “Who knew anyone could resist temptation like that?”

  “Damn, you’re harsh!” Jake laughed. Gaia shot him a withering look. “You’re so different from everyone else at school,” he added, almost as an afterthought.

  You don’t know the half of it, Gaia thought. “I do seem to stand out,” she mumbled.

  “Look, I know you think I’m a meathead or something,” Jake said, stopping in the middle of the Houston Street sidewalk. “Or maybe you haven’t given me much thought at all. All I know is, you absolutely refuse to respond to my friendly advances, which no one has ever done before.”

  Gaia smirked. “You’re very fond of yourself, aren’t you?” she asked.

  “Not really,” Jake answered. “I just want to hang out some more. I think you’re very…interesting. It seems like you have a lot more going on here than you let on,” he added, putting his hand on his heart when he said the word here.

  What was he suggesting? That under Gaia’s tough demeanor was some fragile waif waiting for someone to unlock her heart? Was he for real?

  “Look, that’s very touching and all, but I really don’t have a whole lot going on here,” she said as she put her own hand on her heart, mocking his previous gesture.

  “Oh, I think you do,” Jake said, this time putting his hand on her heart. “I can feel it,” he said.

  Now he was way out of line. Simply put, Jake was playing to the wrong audience.

  “Hey—careful with the merchandise,” Gaia said, swatted his hand away.

  “Okay, sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Jake said. “I won’t do it again.”

  Gaia wasn’t exactly sure what was going on in Jake’s head. Was he flirting with her, or was he just trying to reach out and fix someone? Either way, Gaia was in no position to add any more names to the already too long list of people in her life.

  “Look, I have to go,” Gaia said.

  Jake looked hurt and bewildered. “Gaia, don’t leave. I promise not to come near you again.”

  “It’s not that,” Gaia said. “I just have to be somewhere.”

  Gaia hurried away from Jake, taking long strides down the sidewalk and feeling just as agitated as ever. God! She should never have done t’ai chi. It had relaxed her so much, she’d let down her defenses and opened herself up to yet another attack—of sorts. Right now she didn’t need to be introspective or calm or serene. And she certainly didn’t need to open her heart. She needed to stay on her guard, listen for bullets whistling past her head, and get things done.

  What things, she didn’t know. But she had to get things done.

  Squeezed and Crushed

  BY THE TIME SHE GOT BACK TO THE Upper East Side, Gaia had calmed down somewhat, but she was still in no mood to be messed with. She was glad she had been able to avoid a confrontation with Sam. She felt like an idiot over Jake. And she felt sad about Ed. All in all, her emotions were still a complete jumble, but at least she was blocks and blocks away from anyone who could—

  “Gaia.”

  Oh.

  That voice drizzled over Gaia’s heart like honey over a piece of toast. She turned around.

  “Didn’t I just leave you downtown, Sam?” she asked, trying not to look up at him. She had to keep herself safe. And noticing how rumpled and handsome he was—that was about as unsafe as it got. He tried to kill you, she reminded herself. That helped. A little.

  “Well, yeah.” He stood in her way, not moving. “You did. But I couldn’t let you walk away like that. Gaia, what is going on?”

  “Nothing’s going on,” she mumbled. She tried to walk past him, but he wasn’t budging.

  “The last time I saw you was right here,” he pointed out. “Right in front of your building. You were arguing with Ed. And I think it’s partially my fault. I’ve been pushing myself on you and taking up your time. I hope he wasn’t too angry at you.”

  “We broke up,” she told him.

  “Oh, Gaia. I’m so sorry.” Sam made a move to hug her. Gaia stepped back. She was starting to get really steamed. It was painful, seeing how Sam could lie to her face like this. He tried to kill you, she reminded herself again. But this time it didn’t help her feel better. It fueled her anger.

  “It’s okay,” she said. “I mean, it was a long time coming. It’s not your fault. Not anyone’s fault. You should go back to Dmitri’s.”

  “Look, what is your deal?” Sam was getting angry. “I’m just trying to be a friend, and you’ve put up the Great Wall of Gaia. Is something bigger going on? Is it something with your dad or—all this other stuff that’s happening?”

  “I can’t believe you!” Gaia finally exploded. Her anger rose like vomit into the back of her throat. “How dare you talk to me like you give a crap about my well-being? Why don’t you get the hell out of my life?”

  Sam’s face seemed to melt, from confusion to horrified incredulity. “Wha-what are you talking about?” he stammered. The old habit came out when he was under stress. Gaia was amazed he could fake it like that.

  “You set me up, Sam. You tried to have me killed. Did you think I was too stupid to put two and two together? Here’s a hint: When you’ve been that sloppy, you’ve got to finish the job or the girl you’re trying to murder’s going to be really mad.” The words rolled out of Gaia’s mouth. Not even his expression of complete and utter noncomprehension could stop her.

  “S
et you up? Have you killed? Gaia, I don’t—”

  Gaia whipped out her cell phone and shoved it in his face. “I’ve still got the text message you sent me,” she pointed out, scrolling it up on the screen. “From your cell phone to mine, courtesy of Smith and Wesson.”

  Sam took the phone out of her hands and looked at the screen.

  Don’t be sad. Just received some new information. Meet me at the Ukrainian church on Eleventh Street. Tomorrow. 8:00 A.M.

  “Oh my God. Gaia, I did not send this to you.” The words tumbled out of Sam, who was staring at the cell phone with horrified shock. “I couldn’t have. My cell phone has been missing since I left your apartment.”

  “Yeah, right,” Gaia said. “I got the message like five seconds…after you left,” she said, finishing her sentence in a self-doubting whisper.

  No. No more doubt, she told herself. You can’t trust him. You can’t trust anyone.

  “You’re just saying that because I busted you,” she insisted, snatching the phone back. “I know you tried to kill me, Sam. Now you want to talk your way out of it, and you can’t. Just leave me alone.” She pushed past him, feeling doubt nagging at her, tugging on her sleeve like an insistent child.

  “Gaia—”

  “I’m serious.” She whipped around. “Just—leave me alone. I have to find my dad. I’ll deal with you later.”

  Gaia blocked out the memory of Sam’s confused, pained expression the minute she turned her back on him and went into her building. Her feelings for Sam were as intense as ever. But she couldn’t ignore the message and its aftermath. She felt like a palm tree getting thrown around by a hurricane. You bend this way, you bend that way, but that doesn’t mean you can’t break, she thought. The confusion and emotion inside her were like a tourniquet around her heart. She felt squeezed and crushed. The pain was physical, and it was intense.

  She took a moment in the elevator to shut her eyes and focus. Sam was not her problem. Finding her father was. She breathed deeply, forcing her heart to slow and her temperature to drop. By the time she entered the apartment, she had managed to push Sam to the back of her mind. She thought she’d lie down and try to figure out what to do next or just wait for Dmitri’s next word.

  Hearing a noise, she walked warily to the living room. There was Natasha, sitting on the bloodred velvet couch, folding laundry in a huge wicker basket.

  “Natasha!” Gaia said, surprised. She had to admit, it was a relief to see someone familiar. Natasha was as close as she could get to her dad, after all. “I didn’t think I’d find you here.”

  “Well, I do live here,” the older woman responded.

  “But you’ve been gone. Where were you?” Gaia sat next to her, thinking of the way Tatiana sat next to her mother, trying to imitate the same ease.

  “Terribly busy,” she said. “There has been much to do in searching for your father.”

  “You look tired,” Gaia told her. It was true. Natasha’s willowy, elegant frame looked as young as ever, but her face had a completely different cast to it than it had just a few days before. Gaia felt a swell of affection for her. It hadn’t been easy, getting used to having a stepmother. But she believed her dad really loved this woman. The brief moment that they’d all been a family had already taken on the golden glow of nostalgia.

  “Well, I guess I have been worried,” Natasha admitted, putting down the socks she’d been rolling and resting her long, white fingers against her eyes, the red nails at her fingertips standing out in stark contrast to her pale skin.

  “What did you find out?” Gaia asked.

  “You know I cannot tell you that,” Natasha told her sternly.

  “Of course you can. You have to,” Gaia insisted. “He’s my father.”

  “I know, but there are professionals handling this. You have to have faith that we know what we are doing.”

  “Faith?” Gaia gave a frustrated roar. “Look, no offense, but it was you people who thought George Niven would keep me safe, and I almost got iced by him and his trashy wife.”

  “I know, I know,” Natasha said. “That was regrettable, but I am telling you, the search for your father is being handled.”

  “Don’t you get updates? I mean, aren’t you his fiancée? Should I contact them directly? As a blood relative, I mean. Maybe I’ll get more out of them.”

  “They hate that.” Natasha shook her head. “No, we are supposed to be good soldiers and hold our positions until we get different orders. I am sure they have everything under control.”

  “Natasha! Will you stop saying that?” Gaia took a pair of socks from Natasha’s hands and threw them on the floor. “My father almost choked and died. I’d say there’s a pretty good chance he was poisoned. He was taken to a hospital, where he just…vanished. And all you want to do is sit here waiting for orders? I thought you loved him.”

  “I do love him,” Natasha said firmly, fixing Gaia with a sharp glare. She stared at her for a long time, with an odd expression that Gaia couldn’t quite read.

  “Please,” Gaia said. “Tell me whatever you know.”

  Natasha dropped her eyes. “The truth is, I am being stonewalled, too,” she finally admitted. “I cannot…” She seemed to wrench the words out of herself.

  “I cannot seem to get a straight answer from our superiors. They tell me that he is alive but that he is being kept in a remote location.”

  “Which is where?”

  “I do not know. They say the less I know, the safer I will be.” She raised her eyes to look into Gaia’s. “The same is true for you, Gaia. Obviously something terribly dangerous—more dangerous than anything we’ve faced before—is going on. We must be in danger. I think it is best to keep a low profile for now.”

  Gaia sat still, trying to take all of this in. Natasha was a trusted operative—and her own organization wouldn’t tell her where her fiancé was?

  “This is okay with you?” Gaia said. “I don’t understand why you’d accept that answer. Didn’t you press it?”

  “I pressed. And I got nowhere.”

  Gaia sat back on the couch, deflated.

  “Your father is in good hands—I am sure of it,” Natasha told her. “If he comes back—I mean, when he comes back”—Natasha gave Gaia an apologetic shake of her head—“he will appreciate that we did not endanger our own lives to find him. He wants you safe, Gaia. Even if it means there’s one less person searching for him.”

  Gaia scowled. “I don’t think I can just sit here,” she said. “And I’m trying to understand how you can.” She stood and started to leave the living room.

  “Gaia.”

  She stopped but didn’t turn around.

  “I know that Tatiana threw a party here last night. She should not have done that, and I have spoken to her about it. Especially when we are all so worried about your father. I think perhaps the stress is getting to her. Perhaps she is not being the most responsible person right now. I hope you will not be too impatient with her.”

  Gaia nodded, then kept walking. Stress. Stress had made Tatiana get totally drunk and blab about her friendship with Sam to Ed? If I dealt with stress that badly, I’d never have made it this far, Gaia thought. But she didn’t want to start another conversation with Natasha. This one had made her too sad and confused.

  She went to her bedroom. Before she even hit the door, she could hear tapping at the computer keyboard. She steeled herself to see Tatiana and hoped she wouldn’t be—

  Ed.

  Ed was sitting at the desk, not Tatiana.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked, standing uncomfortably by the door.

  Ed looked up and seemed thoroughly resigned to the fact that he and Gaia were within ten feet of each other.

  “Sorry,” he said. “I had to do some stuff for Tatiana, and I didn’t think you’d come home. I’ll be out of here soon.”

  “No, it’s okay,” Gaia said. “I’ll just go. I was heading back out, anyway.”

  “Wait.”
<
br />   A pause. “What?”

  “I just—I mean, why don’t you just hang out? I’ll be done soon.” He met her eyes for about half a millisecond. “There’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to hang out in the same room, Gaia.”

  She thought about that one. There were a few reasons. The totally harsh way he’d spoken to her, for one thing. The fact that he used to be the safest person in the world to her and that they had just broken up about ten seconds before. And she didn’t know how to act around him. Because she couldn’t even blame him for being mad at her, because she hadn’t exactly been forthcoming or truthful with him. There were a lot of reasons why they couldn’t really hang out.

  Then again, he was Ed. What was she scared of? He was just Ed. Gaia sat on the edge of her bed farthest from her ex-boyfriend, ex–best friend, ex-everything.

  “So what are you doing?” she asked.

  “Tatiana asked me to burn some CDs for her, so I figured I’d Limewire some extra stuff and make her a mix.”

  “Hm.”

  Another pause. These pauses were getting really annoying. What had once been a comfortable silence now seemed like a screaming chasm of unspoken words.

  “What?” Ed asked.

  “Nothing.”

  “No, you said, ‘Hm.’”

  “Yeah, I mean, hm, so you’re making some CDs, that’s nice. Whatever.”

  “Whatever?”

  “Yeah, whatever.”

  Ed poked a couple of keys to set the CD burner running and put his hands in his lap.

  “Look, I know what you’re thinking,” he said.

  “Really? Mind reading is quite a talent. Maybe you should go on Letterman,” Gaia tried to joke.

  “I’m serious. I know you feel weird about me and Tatiana, and I just…”

  What, Ed? You just want me to know you’re considering getting close to my roommate and almost stepsister? You just want to put my weird feelings out in the open so I can feel even weirder? Gaia wondered.