Brownbread & War

by Roddy Doyle

  Denis The boxer, Walker Smith, was better known as what?

  Gary, seemingly in a trance, mouths ‘Cliff Richard’ to himself. Bertie and Tommy know the answer. George’s team doesn’t. George looks at Martin, almost aggressively expecting the answer. Martin shrugs.

  Bertie (writing the answer) Oh si!

  Tommy (whispering to Noel and Angela) Sugar Ray Robinson.

  Features A singer?

  Martin (unsure) No; he means his name —.

  Bertie (across to George’s team) Havin’ problems, lads?

  George (at the same time) Hang on. —Denis, we need some clarification over here. Give us the question again, will yeh.

  Bertie Objection.

  George Wha’!?

  Bertie The question was perfectly clear. And Denis’s pronunciation was second to none.

  George I only want him to read it —.

  Angela Don’t tell him, Denis.

  George Denis!

  Denis feels both George and Bertie staring at him. Leo, pulling pints, is half anxious. Sandra keeps well away.

  Denis ____Question Number Five.

  Yvonne (supporting George) Ah, that’s not fair.

  Niamh It is, Yvonne.

  Yvonne (viciously) Fuck off, you.

  (Out of her seat.) It’s not fair.

  George is out of his seat, furious. Features also gets up; then Martin, but not as enthusiastically. Leo comes out from behind the bar. Sandra flies offstage with a full tray. Bertie’s team stay seated, thoroughly enjoying themselves but not too obviously.

  Features (the voice of reason) Ah now, Denis —.

  Denis Wha’ character —

  George No way!

  Martin (not that loud, but sincerely) The little cunt.

  Gary (quietly) Cliff Richard.

  He giggles stupidly; then becomes stern, concentrating on not getting sick.

  Denis Wha’ character —

  George tries to grab the microphone from Denis.

  Denis (ready to die in the mike’s defence) No!

  George Give us it!

  Noel ‘What character’ wha’ Denis?

  Angela It’s fuckin’ disgraceful.

  Bertie (grinning) Oh si.

  Leo gets in between Denis and George; the flex somehow tangled around his neck.

  Leo Now!

  (To George; meaning it.) I’ll bar you.

  George makes one more grab for the mike, and nearly strangles Leo. Angela is immediately out of her seat.

  Angela Here!

  George Jaysis sorry, Leo. Y’alright, are yeh?

  Angela Yeh stupid wanker, yeh.

  (To Leo; studying his neck.) There’s no marks, Leo.

  George (to Angela) I didn’t mean it.

  (To Leo.) I didn’t mean it, Leo.

  Angela Ah, look what he’s done to your fuckin’ shirt!

  Denis (back in control of the mike) Sorry abou’ that, ladies an’ gentlemen —.

  Leo is rubbing his neck.

  Leo (testing) Now.

  Features Come on, George.

  George Sorry, Leo, righ’.

  Leo smiles bravely.

  George (just short of pleading) Denis; will yeh not read it again?

  Features (telling George to come back to his seat) George.

  George, Features and Yvonne go back to their seats.

  Yvonne Are yeh alrigh’, Daddy?

  George lifts his hand and nods; meaning ‘Yes’.

  Denis Question Number Five —.

  Leo (more confidently) Now.

  Denis Wha’ character —

  Noel Three cheers for Leo. Hip hip.

  Some Hurreh!

  Noel Hip hip!

  Most Hurreh!

  Noel Hip hip!

  Most Hurreh!

  Denis (outraged, but trying not to sound it) What —

  Bertie The El Supremo of the barmen.

  Denis Are yis listening!?

  Noel Yeow, Denis!

  Denis waits for total silence. Features hands George his biro.

  George (whispering) ____Thanks.

  (On the verge of despair.) It’s happenin’ again, Features.

  Features Not at all.

  Sandra enters, carefully. Angela goes back to her place. Leo goes back behind the bar.

  Denis Wha’ character —in the popular soap opera from Australia, ‘Neighbours’, writes some of the scripts for the show as well as actin’ in it?

  Features (trying to be cagey, but pleased) I think it’s, eh —

  He leans across and whispers the answer to George. Gary looks around him as if waking up, gets up carefully and goes to the Gents.

  George (cheering himself up as he writes) Sound.

  Bertie’s team expects Angela to have the answer.

  Angela (quite happy to tell them) I haven’t a fuckin’ clue.

  Yvonne (to Niamh) Oh, I know. The fat one; what’s his name?

  Niamh doesn’t want to talk to Yvonne.

  Dermot Harold?

  Yvonne Yeah, him. He was on ‘Wogan’.

  Lorraine (remembering) Jesus, yeah.

  Dermot (to Niamh; sounding almost like a question) Great.

  Niamh smiles, and stares at first at Yvonne and Lorraine; then smiles. Yvonne makes a face at Lorraine, making her smile.

  Tommy Charlene, Scott, Madge, eh, Mrs. Mangle —

  Noel No, no, no, — fuck no.

  While Tommy goes through the ‘Neighbours’ cast, Sandra is collecting empty glasses at Bertie’s table. Angela looks at her, wordlessly asking her for the answer.

  Sandra (whispering guiltily) — Harold Bishop.

  Bertie’s team is silently and secretly delighted; watching Bertie write the answer. Martin sees what happened.

  Martin (hesitantly at first) The young one told Angela the answer.

  George (half listening) Wha’?

  Martin (pointing; almost regretting he’s said it) The young one —.

  George (copping on) Here!

  Sandra almost jumps.

  Denis Righ’; tha’ brings us to the end —

  George Denis; Sandra told them the answer.

  Sandra I did not!

  (To Denis and Leo.) I didn’t.

  Angela She did not, you; get lost.

  George (getting up, but staying at the table) She fuckin’ did. We’ve witnesses.

  Bertie Sit down, George.

  Noel Leo; bar the fucker, will yeh.

  Leo, resigned and rubbing his neck, is coming out from behind the bar.

  George They should be disqualified or there should be another question or somethin’. Fair’s fair.

  Sandra I didn’t tell them!

  George (pointing to Martin) He saw yeh. —Didn’t yeh?

  Martin Yeah.

  George New question, Denis. Come on.

  Bertie (harder) Sit down, George.

  George You should sack tha’ young one, Leo. —Denis.

  Noel Sit down, for Jaysis sake.

  George Yeh couldn’t trust her with the till.

  Sandra (quietly; getting louder) Yeh fuckin’ creep.

  Bertie is out of his seat. Gradually, all stand up. Leo stands between George and Bertie.

  Bertie She didn’t do annythin’, so sit down.

  George Martin saw her.

  Bertie Then he needs his fuckin’ eyes tested.

  Features Ah now —.

  George He heard her as welll. Didn’t yeh?

  Martin Eh —

  Bertie There. Apologise.

  Martin (not going to be bullied) I did hear her, righ’.

  We hear Gary getting sick.

  George (ignoring Bertie) Denis.

  Denis Round Six is completed. Sandra will collect the answer sheets from yis.

  Sandra I will not. He called me a liar.

  George (to Denis and Leo) She told them the answer!

  Denis ignores him, and stacks his index cards. George is outraged, appalled, furious; too furious to be too scared of Bert
ie. Some of the others sit down.

  George (to Denis) You’re un-fuckin‘-believable, d’yeh know tha’? Yeh wouldn’t read a fuckin’ question again for us, an’ then —then when they cheat an’ bribe young ones to give them the answer you let them get away with it.

  Bertie (gentle tactics, but with an edge) Sit down, compadre.

  George Don’t fuckin’ compadre me, pal. ____It’s not fair, Denis. —Denis!

  Martin This is fuckin’ scandalous.

  Angela Sit down or fuck off, the two o’ yis.

  Denis (on edge; attempting suavity) We’ll go straight into Round Seven, because we’re runnin’ a bit late. Eh, Rosemary —. Write your answers on the back o’ your Round Six sheets. Then we’ll have a break. (Attempting humour.) A well earned break.

  Leo thinks that that’s that. He moves away. George and Martin stay there. They can’t quite believe the injustice of it all. Bertie gently holds George’s shoulder, to encourage him to his seat.

  Bertie Come on, George —.

  We hear Gary getting sick.

  George (shrugging violently) Get your fuckin’ —!

  Lorraine screams. Leo is quickly back between them.

  Bertie (calmly, but angry; going back to his seat) You’re a fuckin’ eejit, compadre.

  George (staying where he is) Am I!?—

  (Getting more angry as he says it; going back to his seat; to his team; arying to drum up fervour, and almost succeeding.) It’s not a game annymore, lads. This is war, righ’. War!

  Bertie (controlled fury) Righ’.

  Denis Question Number One —.

  Yvonne is the only one at her table who doesn’t look as if she wants to laugh. Bertie sits down, and picks up his pen. Without looking George’s way, he points the pen at him; looking down at the table.

  George (to the team; then glaring across) We’re goin’ to get the fuckers this — (Sees Bertie pointing at him.) time.

  Bertie Bring me the head of Georgeo Finnegan.

  Features Ah now —.

  As Denis asks the question the two teams huddle and glare across at each other, some more frankly than others. George makes his team concentrate on the question. Bertie hisses.

  Denis (as the light fades) Who said —Who said, “Bloodshed is a cleansing an’ a sanctifying thing”?

  Lights fade.

  Act Two

  SCENE ONE - THE QUIZ

  Kermit The Frog sings ‘Lydia The Tattooed Lady’.

  In the Kitchen Briget makes sandwiches for the next day’s lunches; wraps them, and so on.

  It is about 10.15; the middle of Round Seven.

  The teams are at their tables; some hunched, ready to answer, impatient; others in a more relaxed position, listening to Denis. Gary seems to be miserably asleep. Sandra is offstage. Yvonne is standing, in the middle of a row with Denis.

  Denis (laying down the law to Yvonne’s team) You’ll just have to bloody well listen like everyone else.

  Yvonne (as Denis speaks; pointing at Bertie’s team) Wha’ about them!?

  Bertie Sit down ou’ o’ that.

  Noel (quieter) Brasser.

  George (across to Noel; not too loudly) Wha’ did you fuckin’ say?

  Bertie He said nothin’.

  George (pointing at Noel; trying not to include Bertie) If you ever, pal, —ever. D’yeh hear me?

  Leo flicks the Pub lights on and off, on and off. Some of the characters, almost in a panic, look at their watches; they think it’s closing time.

  Features (almost terror stricken) Where’s Sandra?

  Leo (getting up on a crate behind the Bar; annoyed) Listen here a minute —.

  Noel (mimicking Leo) Now.

  Angela (to Noel) Don’t start, you.

  Leo Listen. I’m warning you now in this corner here. If you don’t leave Denis alone and let him get on with his questions, now I’ll bar yis all. I will.

  (Pointing out Denis.) Would you do it?

  Martin (quietly) Do a better job than him.

  Leo No, you would not. So, last warning, right.

  Bertie (to Angela) Tha’ hombre’s a born leader.

  Angela Oh, I know.

  Yvonne (quieter, but insistent) Well, it should be the same for everyone.

  Denis (a little moved by Leo’s defence) Thank you, Leo. I’ll just say one more thing an’ then I’ll leave it at that.

  George (impatient) Come on, come on, for fuck sake.

  Bertie (before George finishes; supporting Denis) Go on, Denis.

  Denis I’m only talkin’ about a few —.

  Niamh He’s goin’ to put us on detention.

  The girls laugh secretly, but loud.

  Angela Shut up, over there.

  Denis If yeh don’t like the way I run things, well there are plenty of other quizzes you can go to instead.

  There’s a short burst of ironic applause from Bertie’s table.

  Noel Where’s me hankie?

  Lorraine Jesus, I only asked him a fuckin’ question.

  Dermot (quietly) Fuckin’ spastic.

  Niamh Yeah.

  Yvonne (kind of aping Niamh.) Yeah.

  George (not too loud) Come on, before we go fuckin’ senile.

  (To his team.) He’s fuckin’ hopeless.

  (Rubbing his hands; leading his men.) Righ’; come on.

  Denis Righ’ —.

  Sandra enters, with a tray of empty glasses.

  George Here’s Mata Hari, look it.

  Sandra (close to tears) Fuck off!

  Yvonne glares at Sandra, as if deciding whether to attack her or not. As Denis asks the next question the tune of‘Lydia’ starts, and as the scene progresses, speeds up, slows down etc where appropriate.

  Denis Question Number Three. Wha’ soccer team —Wha’ soccer team did the world famous singer from Spain, Julio Iglesias, play goalie for?

  The teams hunch over their tables, whispering frantically; keeping an eye on the opposition. They nod, and shake heads; agreeing and arguing. Bertie pats Tommy’s back. George sees this, and presses his team for an answer. Martin comes up with one, and George quickly writes it down. Both teams glare triumphantly across at each other. The girls are pressing Dermot for an answer: he hasn’t a clue. Yvonne says something disparaging; and Niamh bites back at her.

  Suddenly, all together, all three teams become alert; listening to Denis’s next question; heads bent towards Denis. Denis’s expression as he reads is a little bit evil: it’s a tough one. Yvonne’s team looks absolutely lost, and frustrated about it. Denis sorts out his cards. George’s team, minus Gary, argue out an answer. On the other side, Angela and Noel are aggressively and enthusiastically arguing. Bertie and Tommy earwig, obviously, on George’s team; leaning more and more out over the neutral territory between the tables. Tommy’s weight pushes Bertie off his stool. Tommy tries to look as if nothing has happened. George’s team, after seeing what has happened, huddle even closer. Then George very dramatically writes the answer, hiding the paper with his free hand; then gives the fingers to Bertie’s table. Bertie, after getting up, has his guns drawn, guarding himself as he sits down. The argument at Bertie’s table is very heated. Noel grabs the biro from Bertie. Angela goes for it. Bertie clicks his fingers: they stop. Angela gives Bertie the biro, and they start arguing again. George’s team looks over, delighted; making silly faces.

  Sandra delivers three cocktails and a pint to the girls’ table. Together the girls go for their handbags, but Dermot pays. Niamh and Yvonne bat their eyelashes at Dermot, then glare quickly at each other. All together they pick up the cocktails and Dermot picks up his pint. All four take a sip, and agree, nodding once, that the drinks are lovely. Leo, behind the bar, appears, disappears under the counter, reappears somewhere else; shakes cocktails Tom Cruise-style; pulls four pints at the same time, one with his mouth; throws bags of crisps offstage, and so on.

  Suddenly again, all three teams become very alert as Denis asks the last question of the round. Gary wakes up, opens his mouth,
as if to get sick; and Features gets up, grabs him and hauls him offstage. Denis’s question seems to go on forever. The teams sit stock-still and, only gradually their faces become a bit puzzled, and startled. Lorraine yawns. Leo stops to listen. Sandra tiptoes past him. And still Denis recites the question. Features comes back, sits and listens; taps Martin’s shoulder: Is it the same question? Martin nods, shellshocked: Yes. Denis finishes. For a second the teams are stunned; then huddle and consult, frantically. Leo and Sandra get going again.

  Briget exits; and returns with some clothes (part of her ‘good’ outfit which she will wear in the next scene), and irons them on the table.

  Bertie’s team is first with an answer. Noel comes up with it, and insists that it’s right. Tommy has doubts but Noel slaps them down. The others are happy with it, and Bertie writes it down with a flourish. They sit back and smugly watch George’s team going through agony. George, Features and Martin are going through agony as they try to squeeze the answer out of their brains. While Bertie’s team looks across at George’s team’s distress Noel pours some of Tommy’s pint into his own. Gary enters, and stands at the side of the stage, looking lost, miserable, forlorn. Sandra enters carrying a tray piled high with empty glasses and has to fly around Gary twice to avoid bashing into him. She flies offstage. Gary doesn’t know where he is. Leo, shaking a cocktail, leans over the counter, takes hold of Gary’s tie and leads him offstage; and is almost immediately back onstage, pouring the cocktail into a glass. Sandra lunges back onstage desperately trying to get to her end of the counter before she lets go of the tray. She makes it; and exits again. George has a brainwave. A light bulb goes on over his head. Features and Martin look to George eagerly, almost begging for the answer. George writes it and they, all three together, nod once triumphantly across at Bertie’s team, and fall back, exhausted.

  The round is over. Sandra enters, carrying a pile of answer sheets. Sandra goes to Yvonne’s table, and Lorraine goes to take the sheet from Niamh to give it to Sandra. Niamh doesn’t want to give it up yet. They both grab it and tear it. Dermot stands up, furious; shouts something at them and storms off, but not before Yvonne pinches his bum on his way past her. He tries to ignore this indignity and dash-walks into the Gents. All three girls mime: ‘Men. —Fuckin’ eejits’. Sandra dumps the sheets on Denis’s lap and grabs a full tray. As she is exiting, George, Bertie and Yvonne stand up and all shout. George, Bertie, and Yvonne Sandra!