Can't Let Go

by Michelle Lynn

  “Chrissy!” the guy screams, and I’d know that voice in my next life. My feet stop, and I turn around only to stare into the bluest of eyes. “Hey, it’s me.”

  “Dex.” I sigh and fall into his arms. Sobs burst out of my mouth as tears fall from my eyes while he comforts me into his arms.

  “It’s okay. I’ve got you.” He rubs my back up and down. We stand there for a few minutes until my sobs turn to whimpers. “Nico is an ass,” he comments, and my head snaps back.

  “How do you know Nico?” I ask, swiping my tears.

  His brows furrow, and he cocks his head. “Why wouldn’t I know him?”

  “Why are you here, Dex?” I question, because he shouldn’t be. He should be at his mom’s studying for his SAT or something to secure the future he takes for granted.

  “I just got here.” Answering my questions, becoming more confused.

  “Is your dad here?”

  “No,” he answers, and his eyes widen, realizing the purpose of my twenty-questions. “Chrissy,” he pleads, but the vomit that almost escaped a few moments ago, churns in my stomach again.

  “Why would you ever want to be a part of this scene?” I ask, and he shoves his hands in his pockets.

  “I’m not. I just come down every once in a while when I’m bored.” He rolls back on his heels. “Let’s go get something to eat.” He reaches out to grab my hand, but I snap it back.

  “How could you be so stupid?” I ask him, and his head moves back in the audacity of my comment. “Yes, stupid, Dex. You have it all, and what? You’re going to throw it away for a few extra bucks when you’re bored?”

  “I don’t have a problem, Chrissy. Not everyone is like your dad,” he argues, and I shake my head.

  “You’re better than this, Dex. Better than this life. You have the opportunity to walk away and never come back,” I tell him, and now it’s him shaking his head.

  “Chrissy, give it a rest. I don’t need a fucking second mom. It’s nothing.”

  “It’s not nothing, Dex. It will suck you in and you’ll never get free. Don’t tempt yourself. There’s no such thing as easy money.”

  “Jesus, Chrissy. I don’t need to be lectured. Loosen up for once.”

  “Loosen up?” Our voices rise on the dark deserted streets.

  “Have fun. It’s not all seriousness.”

  “Take your wallet and toss it in the trash can, because if you continue to go down this path, that’s where it will end up.” Turning around, I find my way to the LaCrosse and climb in without ever looking back at him.

  Screw my dad, he’ll have to find his own way home. Fuck Dex for not being the guy I thought he was. Instead of driving home, I use the last few gallons of gas, driving around the streets of Akron.

  Doubts if Nico’s right bounce around my head. Should I embrace the life, since I see no hope in escaping it anytime soon? Should I really get on Dex for tempting himself in something that could diminish his whole future? When it comes down to it, I should only care about myself, screw everyone else, including my dad.

  IT’S BEEN SIX months, and I’ve heard nothing from Dex since that night on the street. We used to text or Facebook message at least once a month, but it’s been quiet. That night changed me, in a way for the better. I no longer harp on getting out of this life, but strive to make sure it becomes a reality. Unable to go to college in a few months, like I’m sure Dex is, I’ve signed up for a few courses at the community college. I got a job at a retail store in the mall. I may not have gotten to where others are and where I want to be, but one day I will.

  Tonight I’m going to the county fair with friends from work. I’ve decided to have a relaxing summer before my classes start. After all, where did all that hard work at school get me? Right where I am. No scholarship, no grants … nothing.

  “Hi, Chrissy,” Camden greets me when I slide into the bench of his truck. He’s a nice guy who probably does have a crush on me, but for some reason I just don’t feel that excited, can’t get enough of you feeling when it comes to him. Even with his dark messy hair and bright green eyes, my body doesn’t respond.

  “Hey,” I greet him and turn around, smiling at Katie and Pete, my two other co-workers. Spending eight hours with someone folding and hanging clothes can bond you pretty fast. They’re all in similar positions as me. Not on the go away to college train. They’re all enrolled in community college, like me, and will live at home for the time being. Now, they don’t have a gambler for a father … Camden’s mom raised him by herself and works two jobs to keep a roof over them. Katie’s dad is disabled, and she never mentions her mom, but they have limited funds. And Pete, his mom got laid off last year and his dad struggles to remain employed. Since he’s the oldest of four, he helps them out with babysitting.

  “Who’s going to ride the Ferris wheel with me?” Katie asks, and Pete instantly accepts the invitation. Glancing back at her, I slyly smile and her eyes dart to the back of Camden’s head. Shaking my own, I turn around and focus on the road in front of me.

  Once we pull up, Camden parks on the grass field and we all emerge with a carefree and fun energy. I haven’t felt this way in a really long time. We pay our fee and begin walking the narrow dirt pathways, passing games, farm animals, and food vendors. The smell of the fried dough circles in the air, enticing my feet to automatically follow its scent.

  “Let me get it.” Camden pulls out his money after I order.

  “Get me one, too,” Katie calls out, and Pete rushes over to hand Camden money.

  “I got mine, guys,” I tell them, grabbing my wallet out of my purse.

  “Please,” Camden requests, and there’s something unfamiliar in his eyes.

  I begin to nod my head. “Okay,” I relent. Maybe I’m being too unfair to him. Maybe there could be something here if I would give it a chance.

  “You, though, pay for your girl,” Camden inadvertently reveals Pete’s feelings for Katie, and I raise my eyebrows his way.

  “Fucker.” Pete punches Camden’s arm, making Camden chuckle.

  “It’s okay, I won’t say anything.” I touch Pete’s arm, and his body slowly falls out of the tense-filled one a second ago.

  “Thanks, Chrissy.” I smile and walk over to join Katie at the picnic table with Camden joining me on my side while Pete takes a seat next to Katie.

  Suddenly, it’s beginning to feel like a double date, instead of four friends out for fun. Remnants of powdered sugar are on our fingers, our clothes, and the table by the time we finish. Piles of napkins on top of the paper plates with grease rings get tossed in the trashcan, and we find our way over to the Ferris wheel.

  Camden’s body inches closer to mine while we wait in line. His arm finding its way behind me, his fingers grazing the small of my back. Although it’s not making my stomach flip uncontrollably, it’s comforting. There’s something about him that may sway me to be more than friends. Who needs all those racing hearts or tingly touches?

  Getting on the Ferris wheel, it’s close quarters and Camden doesn’t mind closing the space between us. Swinging his arm around my shoulders, he slides closer so we’re thigh to thigh. My body seems to be warming up to him. No somersaults like Dex, but I’m getting a few light flutters.

  I enjoy my time with Camden. He tells me about some customer that came in last night, pulling uncontrolled laughter out of me at his impersonation. Pete keeps rocking their seat in front of us, and Katie continually screams at him. Eventually, my cheeks hurt from laughing so hard, and the thought that maybe this is where I belong arises. That this is where I fit in.

  The ride slows and our chair moves down stop by stop. We finally reach the bottom and Pete and Katie stand outside the gates waiting for us. Camden gets out first and holds his hand out for me. I catch his eyes roam up and down my legs as I climb out. Linking our hands together, he guides me through the make-shift metal fence. Opening it for me, he smiles down at me and the flutter picks up speed a little more.

  Paying a
ttention to Camden, beginning to see something maybe I’ve been ignoring, I don’t hear another voice until Camden squeezes my hand tighter. When I look up, he nods his head and I follow his vision. Without warning, my stomach somersaults out of control and my heart picks up at a frantic pace. Those blue eyes entrance me just as they always have.

  Dex’s eyes glance down at my fingers locked within Camden’s, and I begin to relax my grip, but Camden clamps onto mine tighter. My vision wavers to Camden whose eyes are dead set on Dex. I wonder if he feels this electric current like I do and he’s acting territorial?

  Dex shoves his hands in his pockets when he reaches us. “Hey, Chrissy,” he softly says, obviously remembering our last encounter.

  “Hey, Dex.” Staring behind him, I find his group of friends. Even that Tori girl from his mom’s wedding a few years ago. They’re all put together in their new designer clothes and clean cut haircuts. “This is Camden, Pete, and Katie,” I introduce them, and everyone nods their heads toward one another.

  “Hi,” he says to them, but the only one who responds is Katie.

  “Well … hello to you … Dex,” she remarks, her voice etched with seduction. “Ouch,” she says, turning toward Pete who desperately tries to non-verbally tell her something.

  “Can I talk to you for a second?” he asks me, and I don’t even debate it in my head.

  “Yes,” I answer and pull away from Camden’s tight hold on my hand. “I’ll be right back,” I tell them, and Camden’s eyes fixate on Dex.

  We walk over to the benches, and I see sets of eyes from his group and mine on us the whole way. “I wanted to say, I’m sorry,” he says, his head hanging low.

  “Me too,” I tell him. “But, Dex—”

  “No, Chrissy. Please, don’t lecture me again,” he requests, and I quickly back down. “I just wanted to apologize, the things I said were shitty.”

  “Okay,” I mumble, “I’m sorry, too.”

  “How have things been?”

  “Busy. Graduation is next week. How about you?”

  “I graduated last week. I’m heading to Western in the fall. Are you going anywhere?” he asks, hesitantly. I’m sure amongst his friends, it’s as common of a question as a waitress taking a customer’s drink order. But out here, it’s not usually even brought into conversation.

  “I’m going to SCC, community,” I admit, and he nods his head slowly.

  “That’s good,” he says, although I know how lame it sounds to someone who gets to go to a university.

  “It is what it is.” My eyes shift to Camden, who tries to hold a conversation with Katie and Pete, but I catch him glancing over. I wish I wanted him half as much as my body’s desperate need for Dex.

  “Do you want to maybe get together for dinner or something?” He leans against the bench, propping one foot up. I can’t help but stare at his strong tanned legs, arms and just his overall amazing body. His blonde hair is a little spiked, and he’s become even manlier than six months ago.

  “Sure,” I answer, knowing full well it probably won’t happen, although, I kind of wish it will.

  “DEX!” one of the guys screams. When Dex glances back, the guy waves him over and points to the game area.

  “I guess I better get going,” he says and quickly wraps his arms around my body. He brings me to that warm, safe place my body craves, but before I can really relish the feeling, he’s backed up from me.

  “Okay, well, message me or something,” I instruct him, watching him back away toward his group of friends.

  “I will. Bye, Chrissy.” He waves his hand, flashing that wide smile my way before turning around and venturing back over to his friends.

  “Bye,” I respond, giving a small wave of my hand. Watching someone walk away that you care so much for, as a friend and maybe more, is harder than I thought. Our lives are too different, going in directions too opposite to ever remain on the same path. It was always inevitable, but this time, there’s more of a finality to our friendship. One problem is thinking that I’ll never see Dex again, and it pricks my heart a little more than I’d prefer.

  Fifteen minutes later my friends’ path crosses Dex and his. As his friends joke around with one another, girls screaming in laughter from the guys jokes, my vision is solely on him and his on mine. Automatically I want to run into his arms, have him hold me and let him take care of me. But his one friend pulls him away and our eyes unlock, and I’m thrown back to our reality. How do I love someone so much that I’d rather lose in order for them to gain more than I can give?

  He talks for a second and then looks our way again. Desperately wanting to tear my eyes from his, I excuse myself to go get a lemonade. As I’m pulling my money out, his hand stretches in front of me and I can feel his chest against my back. Closing my eyes to compose myself, and maybe calm my erratic heart before turning around, praying like hell I can keep it together.

  “You don’t have to do that,” I tell him.

  “I wanted to.” He shrugs, and a small smirk forms across his lips.

  “Thank you,” I say, taking a sip of my drink.

  “I miss you,” he says.

  “I know,” I respond, and his eyes falter slightly. “I miss you, too,” I say, and his eyes perk up.

  “Let’s go. I’ll take you home,” he says, motioning with his head to the side.

  I glance at a very interested Camden and then back to Dex. “Dex,” I sigh.

  “Come on, Chrissy,” he pleads, but I see Camden and think I should be with him. He’ll be here long after Dex leaves for school. I just wish my heart agreed with my brain.

  “I came here with them.” I nod my head toward my group of friends.

  “So what? I came with them, but I just want to spend some time with you.”

  “I can’t, Dex. I’m sorry.” Before I stop myself, I place my lemonade on the table and wrap my arms around him so tight I’m surprised he’s not suffocating. He holds me just as firm, and I try to commit the smell of Dex to memory as my face rests in the crook of his neck. “Good luck in school. You’ll do great.”

  Without looking him in the face, although I would love to be able to study his face for an hour just to burn the image into my head, I turn on my heels. Running around the opposite side of the stand, I hunch over and sob.

  Ranting to myself over and over again that it’s for the best. I would only bring him down. He can’t be worried about me when he has his whole future to figure out. Then I hear his friend come over and just the sound of his voice is enough for me to doubt my decision.

  “What are you doing with that girl? You have Bella over there waiting for a rematch from last week. Come on, man.” Dex must not move right away because his friend continues. “I know she was hot, but enough of the slumming it, man. Let’s go.” Then it’s silence except for the employee working the stand, the clinking of pans replacing the beating of my fast heartbeats Dex ignites. Repeating my mantra that he’s better off without me over and over until I compose myself enough to join my friends.

  22 years old

  “HULK, LET’S GO, man,” Brady screams up the stairs. I can only imagine Sadie, tapping her foot. We’re due to meet up with Jessa and Grant in order to be on time to Trey’s parents’ house. My phone vibrates on the bed as I shrug my t-shirt over my body.

  Picking it up, still shaking in my hands, a number I don’t recognize crosses the screen. Wavering on whether or not I want to chance this being something at the house, I hit ignore because I don’t want to be bothered with my dad’s so-called “business” today. Then thoughts of someone raiding or maybe some loser found out where my dad’s operation is. Worse case, someone ratted him out. Figuring someone who I have programmed in my phone would have made the phone call to alert me, I wait to see if they leave a voicemail. Which they do—my phone vibrates a second later.

  Clicking speaker, I place the black rectangle on my dresser while I gel my hair. My fingers are manipulating each strand, placing it in the perfect spot when
her voice comes across. My hands stop mid-air and I my eyes fixate on the phone. Closing my eyes, that sweet sound that’s only lived in my dreams the past years still unglues me to the core. “Um … Dex. I’m in town and … um … I was wondering … if maybe we could … um … talk.” Her voice is practically shaking from the awkwardness of the phone call.

  “HULK!” Brady screams again. Debating in my head what I should do. I could easily claim ignorance that I never got the call. Say that I was already out of town. Excuses run through my head as to why I would leave her wherever she is. Then the images of her alone, or worse, not. Knowing even with the distance that has formed between us over the years, I could never, would never not go to her if she needed me.

  Walking out my door, I peer over the railing to a sour Brady. “Man, I gotta do something. You guys go without me,” I shout down.

  “What is so damn important?” he asks, sensitive to the fact he can tell something’s off with me. Brady is like the father of our friends, protective of us all.

  “A friend needs me,” I say, remaining vague. If Brady knew the half of what I did when I leave this house, he’d probably have an anxiety attack.

  He stands there staring up at me and wavers at the door. Probably counting in his head how long he has before Sadie, his fiancé, comes in search of him. “What’s up, man?” he asks, stepping up a few stairs.

  “I’m not sure yet. I need to make a call.” I’m honest with him because Brady has a sense of comfort about him. Although, I’m fairly certain our secrets are shared with Sadie, he keeps things mostly to himself.

  “Do that, and we’ll wait.” He jogs back down the steps, and the front door shuts behind him.

  Sitting on my bed, I bite my lip. It’s been so long. Not that she hasn’t crossed my mind; I’m not sure a day goes by that I don’t wonder where she is and what’s she’s doing. I question why she left and never answered my calls. The guilt that I somehow left her behind always resonating inside somewhere within me, even when she’s the one who disappeared on me. The small piece of electronics sits in my hands like a ten pound weight. There’s no turning back, no erasing from my mind once I press that call icon.