Alice in Tumblr-land

by Tim Manley

  Please. I just need to believe it’s possible.”

  Mulan always preferred hanging out with the guys. She’d take a night of playing cards over an afternoon at the spa in a heartbeat. It kind of creeped her out, seeing other women naked; it always felt like their boobs were looking at her.

  Yes, Beauty and the Beast were totally in tune with each other. And nowhere was this more evident than in the bedroom. Wow. Everything there was just . . . okay, so maybe recently things hadn’t been entirely successful.

  All Beauty’s friends told her she and the Beast had to communicate more.

  So they did. They started sexting.

  Goldilocks kept taking fries off her friends’ plates.

  Then she’d be like, “Wait, does this have gluten in it?”

  Pinocchio told the interviewer, “Oh yeah, I have tons of restaurant experience.”

  Arthur didn’t want all the responsibility that came with being king yet, so he just passed his days taking it easy and having a good time. He took Excalibur out pretty much only if he wanted to be really dramatic when cutting a sandwich.

  Snow White was sitting down to a dinner the Prince had made for them, when she was suddenly overcome with this feeling of love for him. She wanted to know every part of him: his vulnerabilities, his fears, his dreams for the future—for their future.

  Then the Prince said he was ready to have a baby, and Snow White was like, “I’m sorry, what?”

  The Sheriff of Nottingham invited Robin Hood onto his TV show and said, “You’ve been giving to the poor for years, and they don’t seem to be getting any less poor; don’t you think it would be more effective to let the money trickle down from the job creators?”

  Robin Hood replied, “Why don’t we talk about something we can agree on?”

  After what felt like an hour of silence, the Sheriff of Nottingham said, “So, do you like . . . ice cream?”

  Sleeping Beauty was psyched it was Saturday. She had all this time to herself—anything was possible! Her friends had sent her a bunch of texts inviting her out. So, what would she do with her one wild and precious day?

  Stay in her pj’s and watch 30 Rock in bed.

  Yes, she thought, wrapping her Snuggie tighter, this is the life.

  The Tortoise and the Hare Facebook-stalked each other.

  The Tortoise looked at the Hare’s Facebook photos of his swanky apartment and thought, He may have material possessions, but does his work make him feel alive? The Hare read the Tortoise’s status updates and thought, A writer in Brooklyn—how cliché.

  The truth was that a part of each of them longed for the other’s life. How are you supposed to know if you’ve chosen the right path?

  Peter Pan finally accomplished his dream.

  “Found a way to never grow up?” asked Tinker Bell.

  “Defeated Hook?” asked a Lost Boy.

  “Even bigger,” said Peter. “I made a meme that went viral.”

  Chicken Little feared that when people “liked” a photo she posted, they didn’t really like it.

  Wandering farther into Tumblr-land, Alice found her old friend the Caterpillar sitting atop a mushroom reading an e-book.

  “Who are you?” the Caterpillar inquired, and Alice immediately had an existential crisis.

  The Ugly Duckling liked to read at the bar, even though everyone else was there just to get laid. She was interested in more important things: art, the human condition, the fight to end poverty.

  Then the guy she’d been eyeing all night left with this girl who was wearing some weird floral jeans or something. It’s always the manic pixie dream girl that gets the guy, she thought. Fuck you, manic pixie dream girl!

  Though Little Red Riding Hood harbored a growing disdain for anyone with a wang, she decided to give them one more shot, and signed up for OkCupid. Thousands of dateable suitors were just a click away!

  But all she got were these creepy messages from wolves.

  Well, that was disappointing, she thought, and went out and bought a vibrator.

  Arthur was loving his life of leisure, until one night when Merlin appeared at the door.

  “Stop running away from your future,” he said. “Accept responsibility for who you are capable of becoming.”

  Arthur was stunned.

  “Damn,” said Lancelot from the couch, exhaling a bong rip. “Shit just got real.”

  The Frog Prince wasn’t having any luck finding that true-love kiss to turn him human, but he figured out a solution: He lowered his standards.

  So he kissed a girl who was part troll. And a girl who wore those weird toe-shoes. And most frighteningly, he kissed a girl from LA.

  The Little Mermaid was exhausted from trying to understand human society. How could corporations be legally considered people? And what the hell was dubstep?

  Even the Lost Boys were starting to think Peter Pan’s constantly being online was getting out of hand. Posting to Facebook from the toilet? Nobody should ever do that.

  “It’s no big deal,” Peter told them, staring at the five open windows on his laptop, waiting for something to happen.

  They printed out articles on the Internet’s addictive nature, and tried to tempt him with a night of beer pong—“like the good old days!”—but he wasn’t listening.

  Finally they resorted to the only way they knew they could get through to him: They tweeted at him.

  Sleeping Beauty’s friends swore that her sleep habits were a sign of severe depression. And what was it she’d heard on TV? The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Or was that only for addicts? Whatever. She decided to skip the first step and went straight to pouring herself a glass of wine.

  I love this step, she thought.

  Mulan kind of dressed and acted like a guy, whatever that meant. Basically she was a guy, but a part of her didn’t want to go all the way and start identifying as “he.” She didn’t think gender should have that much power. And what would she gain from transitioning to become a man?

  Then one night at the movies she saw the line for the women’s bathroom and was like, Well . . .

  Feeling a little lost in Tumblr-land, Alice thought to herself, I’m quite sure I knew who I was when I was sitting in my kitchen, but right now I’m feeling a bit . . . wireless.

  Thankfully the Queen of Hearts had a surefire strategy she could follow to find herself.

  Alice spent the next hour taking selfies in Photo Booth.

  The Emperor got a new fedora, but his friends just thought it made him look like a tool.

  Jack bought some beans at the market, and whoa, they were magical.

  Beauty and the Beast had become sext machines.

  It was a little awkward at first—some of those terms should really have more delicate synonyms, and there was a bit of autocorrect confusion—but soon they were sending each other dirty messages like pros, complete with Snapchat crotch shots.

  Peter Pan’s constant connection to the Internet was making him feel less present in the real world, so he decided to get back to the things he did pre-Internet, to really live his life again.

  That night, he watched TV for five hours straight.

  It didn’t get easier for Cinderella right away.

  After a particularly tough day, she imagined what her mother would say to her if she were still here: There are a few definitive moments when you can choose to either give up, or keep going, and in so doing prove the quality of your heart. This is one of those moments.

  So Cinderella decided to keep going. She also bought herself a fancy cupcake because it kind of just felt like the right thing to do.

  Little Red Riding Hood’s new battery-powered purchase was certainly worth the money—she’d named him Lil’ Red—and she’d grown quite content with her man-free lifestyle.

  And of course that’s when she found a guy at the bar who wasn’t some asshole wolf
or douche bag huntsman. He was sweet, and she thought he was pretty funny, so she invited him back to her place. This was it! Finally!

  But once in bed he was too nervous to, um, proceed forward.

  Well, that was a bummer, she thought, and lit a cigarette.

  The Boy Who Cried Wolf put on his résumé for the restaurant job that he was fluent in Spanish. But then he actually had to speak it with customers and—oh no, why did this old lady just slap him in the face?

  Arthur was having dinner with Lancelot and the rest of the guys who would later become the Knights of the Round Table, talking about someone they used to know who was now famous. Or at least Internet-famous.

  The knights all played it off like they didn’t care, but Arthur lay awake that night thinking about it: How do you know if you’re the kind of person who will do amazing things, or if you’re just the kind who will try and try and never get there?

  Robin Hood had successfully become a stable, functioning adult. While the rest of the Merry Men were panicking about what to do with their degrees in philosophy, Robin Hood was executing a strategically planned social media campaign for the welfare of the poor. Big kid stuff.

  And he wasn’t at all cracking under the pressure of growing up. It was only, like, once a month that he stayed up all night watching old Nicktoons and crying into a pack of Dunkaroos.

  Though Sleeping Beauty would sleep the whole day away, she could never fall asleep at night.

  At night she just sat refreshing her e-mail inbox over and over, each time seeming to prove just how much nobody in the world was thinking about her at that moment.

  Except Obama. Obama e-mailed her, like, every ten minutes.

  The Frog Prince was one lucky amphibian: He met the perfect girl while waiting in line at the comic book store. She had this bitchin’ shaved-on-one-side haircut and a T-shirt of his favorite band, and she had a PETA pin, so he was like, She’s down.

  Tinker Bell had gotten over Peter Pan years ago, so it was no big deal when he invited her to tea one afternoon. But then he told her that he’d broken things off with Tiger Lily, and—it was crazy—all of a sudden she wanted him again. She could feel it like it was totally new.

  Does this mean the feeling is real, or does it mean I’m just a fucking idiot? she thought to herself, and wished someone would clap for her.

  Alice received an Evite from the Mad Hatter to have tea with the March Hare in an old-fashioned chat room.

  How retro, thought Alice and typed “24/F.”

  The Little Mermaid needed the company of people who understood her, so she went home to the ocean to visit her father.

  “So,” he said when she arrived, “I guess you think you’re better than us now that you have legs?”

  As roommates, Arthur and Lancelot had gotten closer than ever, and somewhere along the line Arthur started having, um, well, sort of, feelings.

  He wasn’t asking too much! Just a friendly blow job . . . or maybe some brotherly mutual masturbation? It would be the same as always, except, you know, they’d have their pants down. No big deal!

  Yes, tonight Arthur would bring it up.

  But when he walked into their apartment, he found Lancelot and Guinevere naked together on the couch.

  Well, he thought, maybe not tonight, then.

  Beauty wasn’t always called Beauty.

  In high school she was “curvy,” but the curves weren’t in the places she’d wanted them. Kids called her Honey Bun. It would’ve been a cute nickname if it hadn’t started when she got caught eating a ninety-nine cent honey bun behind the bleachers during gym class.

  Cinderella had an idea for a project.

  She wanted to photograph every single person who lived in her town—from the king to the guy who drove the horse and buggy—and do them as full-body standing portraits, like those old paintings of presidents. She would give everyone the honor they deserved. And she’d start with a photo of her stepmother.

  The local bagel place put up prints of the first fifty portraits, and a few days later the town paper wrote a tiny thing about it.

  Cinderella cut out the article and thought, I feel like something big is about to happen. Like I’m in a Beyoncé song.

  Aladdin knew the only way to win Jasmine back was to strike it rich again, but he had absolutely no idea how to do that.

  Then he got an e-mail from a Nigerian prince who wanted to split an enormous inheritance with him, and he was like, All he needs is my social security and bank account numbers? Well, that’s easy!

  Hansel and Gretel lost their jobs, and now they were living it up being funemployed! That is, they were sitting completely still, trying to not even think about spending money.

  They didn’t have anyone to turn to for financial support, because their parents had abandoned them in the woods when they were kids. They’d listened to a lot of Smashing Pumpkins as teenagers, but after all this time they’d calmed down.

  “Sometimes,” they had concluded, with a wisdom brought on by age and an open heart, “people are just fuckin’ assholes.”

  Peter Pan was determined to grow up and become a man.

  First step: Stop hashtagging words aloud.

  Alice, the Mad Hatter, and the March Hare drank tea and discussed whether the dreams they’d always held were really helping them to be happy. Capitalism, the Mad Hatter argued, postponed their contentedness into an ever-receding future because of its emphasis on always striving for more.

  It was a thought-provoking conversation that ended with the kind of poignant silence that only old friends can share.

  Then Alice thought, Is this silence getting so long it’s awkward? Well, now that I’ve thought about it, it’s definitely awkward. Oh crap. What movies are out right now? Quick, Alice, think!

  The Ugly Duckling got a Facebook invite for her ten-year high school reunion.

  Ugh, she thought. I’ve had to look at these douche bags online all these years, and now I’m gonna have to see them in person?

  . . . I wonder what I should wear.

  Rumpelstiltskin kidnapped another baby from some princess, and he was planning to do the whole creepy-dance-around-the-fire thing with it, but then he looked down and the baby had its toes in its mouth—its toes in its mouth! Ah! Frickin’ adorable.

  Everyone was loving Rapunzel’s new short hair, but one unexpected consequence was that she kept getting hit on by women.

  After, like, the tenth time, she wanted to say, “Is this still a thing—that only lesbians have short hair? Can’t pretty much anyone have short hair now?” But then she was like, Eh, YOLO, and they made out.

  Chicken Little spent the majority of her day googling things she was scared of.

  She was scared she was pregnant.

  She was scared she would never be able to get pregnant.

  She was scared of Splenda, cockroaches, and IKEA (when it got crowded).

  She was scared all her friends knew she wasn’t interesting but weren’t telling her because they felt bad for her.

  Then one day she stopped herself and said, “No more googling every tiny fear!” Because she’d read this article about how laptops might cause cancer and—what!?—she was already at risk from always using the microwave.

  Despite Prince Charming’s repeated requests for children, Snow White couldn’t understand why anyone would want a baby. Babies were like that really annoying girl at a party, but the party was all the time and the annoying girl kept grabbing at your breasts.

  Robin Hood was demoralized by the lack of support for his campaign for the poor. It suddenly felt naïve of him to have ever imagined real change was possible.

  He decided to take a walk to clear his head, and he put on his headphones and played his favorite song.

  Let the song put its arm over your shoulder and comfort you like a best friend would, he told himself. And then go home and get back to work. You have a re
sponsibility to other people now.

  After compulsively checking her inbox for twenty minutes, Sleeping Beauty found an e-mail, in her spam folder, from the Prince. It was a link to a YouTube video of some random girl singing the Tracy Chapman song “Fast Car.”

  The girl was good—not perfect, but good—but it was the vulnerability of the whole thing that got Sleeping Beauty. There was nothing “cool” about it; the girl was just quietly baring her heart, hoping someone would see. Sleeping Beauty clicked on a few other videos, all of regular people singing this one song they loved in the intimacy of their normal-looking bedrooms.

  Her eyes teared up a little and she thought, Ugh, I’m having feelings.

  Cinderella was about to give up on her photography project when something magical happened: This massively popular art blog tweeted a link to her project, and she got thousands of visitors.