Damaged But Not Broken

by Hearts Collective

  It takes about ten minutes, but Paige finally emerges from the side door. Kenny is at her side instantly, hugging her and whispering into her ear. Paige smiles widely and then I see her eyes scanning the bar. I’m not sure what she’s looking for but I hope it’s me.

  Her eyes find me and that says it all. She excuses herself, and politely accepts congratulations from people as she makes a beeline for me. She’s still wearing that sexy blue dress and it kills me to see her looking at me the way she used to – like I’m the only person that exists.

  “Blake! You came!” She throws herself into my arms, and I inhale, taking in her familiar scent of vanilla and ivory.

  “Oh, crap, I’m sorry,” she apologizes, pulling back. “It just kind of came over me.”

  “Don’t be sorry. You were amazing. Seriously amazing, Paige. I can’t get over how great you did up there.”

  She ducks her head embarrassed. “You’re just saying that.”

  “Honestly, I’m not. You killed it. Your dad is going to make you a big star. He can do it you know.”

  Kenny Lawson's worked with a lot of local acts, but he also has a few really big names under his belt. I keep hoping that Rust will become his next big act, but now I have a feeling it might be Paige.

  “It really means a lot to me that you came. It was good knowing not everyone in the audience was a stranger.”

  My mouth is dry and I swallow hard. I can practically feel the heat radiating off Paige’s body, and my own body is screaming to pull Paige towards me. Silence falls between us and as the seconds tick by I know that Paige feels it, too.

  She shifts uncomfortably, and unconsciously trails her fingers across her chest. I remember that move from when she was younger. She did it whenever she was feeling horny, I always could tell when she wanted me.

  “Christ, Paige, I’m dying here,” I say, unable to hide the anguish.

  Paige knows exactly what I mean.

  “Blake, I’m so sorry,” she murmurs. “I’m not trying to- I mean, I know you’re engaged.”

  I drag my hand through my hair. “I know, I know. I just can’t stop thinking about you.” I admit, smiling at her.

  “Maybe we shouldn’t see each other then,” she says, unsure. “You’re getting married, and I don’t feel right messing up a relationship. I was hoping we could just be friends-’’ She trails off because we both know what she means.

  She was hoping we could just be friends, but obviously we can’t. The attraction is too strong, the desire is too much.

  “I want to be your friend, Paige, truly I do.” I say helplessly, “But I don’t think I can handle not seeing you.”

  “Oh my god, Blake, you’re getting married,” she moans, her emotions getting the best of her. “How can we be friends when we feel like this after a mere few hours together? I don’t even understand how I can feel this way!”

  This gets my attention. “What do you mean you don’t understand?”

  I must look hurt, because her face softens.

  “It’s just – I haven’t felt this way with anyone since you,” she emphasizes, “I’ve never been able to have a real relationship". I can hear the shame in her voice.

  I’m suddenly overwhelmed by Paige’s painful past.

  “Paige,” I choke, wanting to take her in my arms and never let her go.

  “I can’t,” she says, looking back up at me, her eyes brimming with tears. “I can’t do this, not when you’re getting married, and I’m sure as hell not going to let you feel guilty because you’re the only man I’ve ever loved-’’

  Her hand flies to her mouth in surprise, and her eyes widen with shock.

  “I shouldn’t have said that,” she whispers. “It was out of line.”

  I’m speechless.

  “It was the truth, though, wasn’t it?”

  She can’t answer me.

  “I have to go!” She hurries off through the crowd, and I see her catch Ryan’s eye, who quickly grabs his beer and goes after her.

  “Paige!” I yell.

  “Well, well. You two just looked pretty friendly.” I hear a familiar female voice behind me.

  I feel my stomach drop and I turn around to see Savannah standing behind me, looking mercilessly glorious in her dress and heels.

  “Hey baby,” I say softly, leaning in to kiss her on autopilot.

  “Don’t ‘hey baby’ me ’’ she says coldly. “You just looked awful close there with Paige Lawson.” Her eyes are blazing and I know I am in deep shit.

  Lie. I need to lie.

  “I don’t know why it looked that way,” I say coolly, acting like it’s no big deal. “I just said her music was great.”

  “Mmm-hmm, sure. And did you and her set up another lunch date?” she mocks, her hands on her hips. I see Abby standing behind her, eyeing me with obvious distaste.

  “No, actually. We were saying that it’s probably best that we don’t hang out anymore.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. You know, since you and I are engaged. I figured you wouldn’t appreciate your fiancé hanging out with another woman.”

  “I wouldn’t,’’ she snapped, “but what do you think I am? A jealous bitch?”

  If the shoe fits…

  I don’t answer right away and Savannah gasps in anger. “I’m not jealous of her,” she scoffs, gesturing in Paige’s direction. I notice that Paige is now nursing a drink as Ryan talks to her.

  Asshole.

  I turn my attention back to Savannah.

  “You better get your priorities in order, Blake Evans,” Savannah says, her voice cold as ice. “Any guy in this bar would be damn lucky to have me. And I will not have my fiancé chasing after some old flame, or starting up some bull shit friendship.”

  “Don’t go there, Savannah,” I warn, my voice heated with anger. “I told you there was nothing going on and we aren’t going to hang out.” I pause, because my blood is boiling, and I’m furious because I do care about Paige, and I’m pissed that I can’t spend time with her. “But I’m not apologizing for being friendly to someone I was close to years ago!”

  “Years ago,” Savannah spits, “I’m here now!”

  Abby has now turned her back to us and is pretending to scope out the rest of the club but I know she’s hanging on our every word.

  “And I’ll be damned if you’re going to hang around with that blonde piece of trash,” Savannah continues.

  Savannah has gone too far now. For one, Paige is anything but trash, and Savannah looks like a streetwalker tonight when compared to Paige’s simple dress.

  “Are you finished now?” I ask, gripping the table to control myself.

  Savannah looks back at Paige who is talking to Ryan, but keeps throwing glances our way. “It appears so,” she says, gathering her purse. “Let’s go home.”

  “I’m not going anywhere with you right now,” I growl. “Go out and enjoy the rest of the night with Abby. I’m going to get Ryan, and we’ll make our way home.”

  Savannah puts her hands on her hips. “I’m not leaving you alone here with her.”

  At that precise moment, Kenny comes walking up, his arm around Paige.

  “Hey Blake, what did you think of my girl?" He beams. "Great, right?”

  I can feel Savannah stiffen next to me.

  “Yes, she was great, Kenny.” I smile at Paige, who blushes, embarrassed.

  “Oh, hi Savannah,” Kenny says, “I didn’t see you there. Not sure if you’ve met my daughter, Paige.”

  Savannah gives Paige a cold smile that infuriates me.

  “So nice to meet you,” she says sourly, extending her hand.

  I can see confusion cross Paige’s face, and she bites the inside of her lip as if deciding what to do.

  “Likewise,” Paige says evenly, shaking Savannah’s hand.

  Savannah doesn’t miss a beat, noticing Paige’s equally cool greeting.

  “Blake,” Savannah says, giving me an obvious look that she wants us to leav
e together.

  “See you in a bit,” I say, giving Savannah a this-conversation-is-over look.

  “Whatever,” she hisses, she turns on her heel and stomps out of the bar with Abby in tow.

  Kenny doesn’t notice anything, and turns to Paige. “So do you want to come with me, honey or stay longer and hang out?”

  Paige studies me, and I can tell something has changed.

  “No, I’ll go with you.” She decides.

  “Paige!” I call as she starts to walk away.

  “Don’t,” she warns, her voice hard. Her eyes are filled with hurt and confusion.

  I want to follow her, to go after her and explain things.

  But I don’t.

  Instead I watch her leave, feeling like I’m losing her all over again.

  SEVEN

  Paige

  Pain of Past

  I ride back home with my father after my set at the Clipper. My father doesn’t pick up on my mood and that is a good thing. For the one-millionth time, I tell myself to get a grip.

  I knew Blake was engaged to be married; I knew he had a fiancé.

  What I didn’t know was that his fiancé was such a bitch.

  Bitch.

  I hate that word, and yet it's the only word to describe Savannah.

  I had expected some beautiful southern belle, someone deserving of Blake’s love and affection, and instead I met a stuck-up, cunty, Nashville rich girl, whose sharpened claws were at the ready.

  It was obvious Savannah didn’t like me and that doesn’t bother me one bit.

  Feeling this way is so strange because I've never found myself in this situation before. When you avoid people like I do, you don’t find yourself in many awkward social situations, and I had never really felt such jealousy over a guy before.

  I rest my head against the slightly cool window and sigh.

  “Honey, what’s wrong?” my dad asks, finally picking up on my mood.

  “Nothing, Daddy. Just tired.”

  The last thing I want to do is rehash my uncomfortable conversation with Blake and the bizarre meeting of his fiancé.

  “You were great tonight, Paige. You sang your heart out, no wonder you're tired. Everyone loved you and if you’re up for it, I think I’ll have no problem booking you a few gigs a week.”

  This news should thrill me – everything was finally starting to happen in Nashville, but instead all I can do is think about Blake running his hand through his hair, admitting that it's killing him to be near me because of our mutual attraction.

  “That’s great, Daddy. Really. Sorry I’m not more excited. I just need to get some rest.”

  “Of course you do. You rest up this weekend and take it nice and easy. We’ll talk business on Monday.”

  At least my dad has the decency to give me the weekend to myself so I can mope around like those girls in the movies, eating ice cream and staying in my pajamas all day.

  We arrive home, and I say goodnight to my father before heading down the hallway to my part of the house. I set my guitar down, kick off my clothes and pull on an oversized t-shirt. I quickly wash my face and brush my teeth.

  Sometimes I like to read at night but I’m just too beat and emotionally drained tonight.

  Just as I’m climbing into bed and getting ready to turn the light off on my nightstand, I hear a light tapping on the French doors that lead out to the pool and patio.

  Fear grips me, and I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. My heart begins to pound and I can’t move.

  I hear the tapping again, and this time it’s louder. Wildly, I look around my room and grab my phone because I can’t think of anything else. I tip toe to the doors, and slowly slide the small lever that opens the blinds inside the door. I can barely breathe and all I can picture is Riff or Billy’s face, even though I know that’s impossible since they are both still in jail.

  I nearly fall to the floor in relief when I see Blake standing outside my door, still dressed in the same clothes he was wearing earlier. Once I realize it’s not an intruder, I feel a flare of anger at Blake showing up unannounced.

  I undo the three locks, two of which my father had installed at my insistence when I arrived, and throw the door open.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” I hiss.

  Blake at least manages to look embarrassed.

  “Can I please come in?”

  I want to strangle him, but instead I move aside silently so he can enter.

  He rakes his hand through his hair, a sign of his internal turmoil. He really looks at me for the first time, and his eyes widen as they travel higher and higher up my legs.

  Self-consciously I realize that the shirt barely covers my ass, and if I move just a bit, Blake might get a full view of my hot pink panties.

  “What?” I ask defensively, “I was going to bed!”

  Blake nods, swallowing hard.

  “Let me ask you again, Blake. What the hell are you doing here? What are we, fifteen again? You’re sneaking over to my dad’s house late at night?”

  This makes Blake grin a bit.

  “I know, I know. But I had to see you. I left my car at the bottom of the driveway and then jogged all the way up here. I think I avoided a lot of the security cameras.”

  He’s insane.

  He starts pacing my room and then looks over at me, his eyes filled with pain and confusion.

  “I’m so sorry about earlier.”

  “Which part?” I ask, my voice harder than I intended.

  Blake winces.

  Really, that wasn’t fair on my part. I was the one that admitted to having feelings; Blake had just hinted at an attraction.

  “Sorry. I was the one that admitted my feelings for you,” I say, looking down at my hands.

  “I’m sorry about Savannah,” he says quickly, “She was out of line. And she gets very jealous. She knows that you and I dated when we were younger.”

  I realize that I can be honest here or I can just smooth things over. I opt for honesty because I have nothing to lose.

  “I just don’t get it Blake. I know that I don’t know her at all, but I just can’t picture the two of you-’’ I trail off because I can’t bring myself to finish the sentence.

  “I know we don’t seem like the perfect pair,” he admits, “but I do love her, and we somehow make it work.”

  What was I expecting him to say? You’re right, Paige. She’s not for me. I want you instead.

  I’m a fool, standing in my bedroom half-dressed with my high school sweetheart who I still have feelings for.

  “You need to go, Blake.”

  “I just got here.” He says quickly, his voice desperate.

  “I know,” I say with frustration, “and I’m not sure why you’re here!”

  “I came to apologize. Apologize for Savannah’s behavior and to try to explain what I see in her.”

  “You don’t owe me any explanations, and honestly, I really don’t care what you see in her.” I don’t want to sit through any explanations of Blake’s love for his fiancé.

  “But I don’t want to end things like this, Paige.”

  “End what?” I yell. “We never started anything!”

  “Dammit! I’m doing this all wrong!” Blake pounds his fist against the wall. “I still want to try to be your friend, Paige. I know it’s going to be hard because I still have this attraction to you.”

  I feel tears well up in my eyes but I vow that I am not going to cry. Blake isn’t trying to make this painful, but it’s becoming harder by the second.

  “Blake, do you realize how hard you are making this for me?” I pause and wait for him to answer. I see confusion and embarrassment cross his face.

  “God, Paige, I’m so sorry,” he stumbles, “I had no idea – I wasn’t thinking. I’m being a selfish prick.”

  I shake my head, wiping at my tears. “This is just all too much for me and too fast. Bottom line is you are engaged to be married. And even if you weren’t, I�
��m too screwed up for all of this anyway. I shouldn’t have told you that I still had feelings for you. Of course, I always felt something for you over the years, constantly wondered 'what if?', but I didn’t realize how real those feelings were or how deep they ran until I was actually around you again.”

  Blake sinks down onto my bed, and I feel an illicit thrill of seeing him there, and that makes things even worse.

  “I wish we could be friends,” I continue, “But I can tell your fiancé doesn’t like it, and given our history and current feelings, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “But we’re both singing for your dad,” Blake interjects, as if that matters.

  I nod. “I know. So let’s be courteous to one another. There is no reason for us to be enemies.”

  Blake nods again and I gingerly sit next to him on the bed. He’s so close that I can smell him, and my bare thigh nearly brushes against his jeans. My pulse is racing, and my heart is hammering wildly against my rib cage.

  Blake turns to look at me, and for an instant I think he’s going to kiss me. Our faces are inches apart, and I can feel his warm breath on my face. I remember being in my bedroom with him, peeling off my clothes and climbing self-consciously under the covers.

  “Paige,” he whispers hoarsely, and I find myself leaning in towards him, drawn to him. “I can’t,” he gasps, leaping off the bed.

  “Oh my god.” I say, my head spinning. “Blake I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just started leaning in towards you-’’ I trail off, mortified.

  “It’s my fault. I showed up here,” he says, facing away from me. “I need to get home.”

  “Yes, that’s probably a good idea.”

  Blake turns to look at me, the now-familiar anguished look on his face. “But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to stay here with you now.”

  I shake my head, sadly. I’m not sure what we’ve gotten ourselves into, but it feels wrong and dirty even though nothing has happened.

  I pull the door open, feeling the cool breeze hit my heated skin.

  As Blake walks towards the door, I impulsively throw my arms around him.

  He makes a surprised sound in the back of his throat, and crushes me against him.

  “I’m sorry, Paige. I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry about that summer, I’m sorry I lost you, and I’m sorry that it’s too late for us now.”