Damaged But Not Broken

by Hearts Collective

  "Ladies and gentlemen! I'm thrilled to announce that our very own Rust is going on a 15-date tour in the coming weeks!" Theo announces. "Be sure to show your love and keep your eyes out for CDs in the back, thanks everybody!"

  The audience cheers loudly and screams of congratulations ring in our ears.

  I always feel a rush after performing onstage, as do Ben and Ryan, and once we come offstage and put our things away, we get ourselves a round of beers and sit with Savannah.

  Ben and Ryan both like Savannah, even though they think she is seriously high maintenance. I know they don't mind sitting with us and having a drink or two while they scope out the scenery before they start making rounds to pick up girls.

  “Nice job, sugar,” Savannah purrs when I come up to her and peck her on the cheek. She grabs my face, and turns it, making sure to kiss me hard, thrusting her tongue into my mouth. It would have been hot if I knew she hadn’t been doing it for show.

  Ben whistles. “Get a room you two.”

  Savannah grins like the cat that swallowed the canary. She’s all about a good show and any male attention she can get. Ryan makes no comment, but takes a long swig of his beer.

  “You boys sound real good,” she drawls, nursing her cranberry and vodka. “Y’all are going to be great on tour.”

  We spend a few minutes talking about the tour, and then I see Kenny Lawson pushing his way through the crowd.

  “Hey, I didn’t know Kenny was here tonight,” Ben comments, seeing him at the same time.

  “Hey guys!” Kenny calls out in his deep, smooth voice. “I got here just in time to see your last song. Y'all are on fire!” He slaps me on the back, and beams at Ben and Ryan.

  “Thanks, Kenny. We weren’t expecting you tonight,” Ryan says.

  “I wasn’t planning on coming by either, but I just left the Blue Bird.”

  Fuck. That’s where Paige was playing tonight. I really hope he doesn’t bring her up.

  Anxious, I take a big sip of my beer.

  “Anyway,” Kenny continues, “I wanted to be the one to share some good news with you. I found an opening act for your tour.”

  My stomach drops and my heart leaps at the same time. I know what Kenny is about to say.

  “Damn, that’s great!” Ryan exclaims, “We’ve been wondering who you were going to bring on!”

  Kenny grins, and then rubs his hands together, looking slightly nervous. “Now I don’t want you boys getting any ideas here, thinking that I’m playing favorites, because I really thought hard about this but the response has been overwhelming.”

  Ben and Ryan look on expectantly and I feel the dread creeping over me.

  “But I’ve decided it’s the right thing to do for all of your careers.” He pauses dramatically, unable to hide his proud smile. “I’m putting my baby girl on your tour. Paige is going to open for y’all!”

  I say nothing, because I know there is no good way to react.

  “Sweet!” Ryan says, wearing a devious grin on his face. I know he’s not thinking about Paige’s talents. He’s thinking about how he’s going to have all the time in the world to make a move.

  “Yeah, that girl of yours can sing!” Ben agrees, and he jabs Ryan in the ribs as if to say he’s up for the challenge.

  Kenny narrows his eyes. “Now, neither one of you go gettin’ any ideas,” he says sternly, looking right at Ben and Ryan. “I know I don’t have to worry about this one,” he says, jerking his thumb at me.

  I finally look over at Savannah, her eyes are downcast and she sits still, eerily frozen. She was all on board for our tour, but now I can see those days are over. This tour has suddenly become my number one enemy.

  Before I can even open my mouth, Kenny puts his arm around Savannah. “So, what do you think, honey? You alright with your boys here touring with Paige?”

  Savannah seems like she wants to answer, but she doesn’t say anything.

  Kenny chuckles and puts his arm around her. “Now, don’t you go worrying about your man here and my little girl,” he teases, “that was a long time ago.”

  Fuck. He’s just opened a can of worms.

  Savannah pushes off Kenny’s arm, and looks at me with eyes cold as ice.

  “I think it’s time to go, Blake,” she says in a clipped tone, “We have some talking to do in the car.”

  And by talking, she means screaming. I can see that she is gearing up for some serious shit.

  With that, she gets up and stalks out of the bar.

  “What the hell was that about?” Ryan asks, and I can see the surprised looks on Ben and Kenny’s face.

  “Don’t ask,” I say grimly. I throw a few bills down on the table and stand up. “I’m sorry guys, but I gotta head out.” I nod towards the door, acknowledging Savannah’s exit.

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Kenny says, nodding. “Go take care of things.”

  "Thanks Ken." I say, feigning discontent.

  Feeling like a child in trouble, I make my way out of the club. I’m not looking forward to this drive home.

  Sure enough, Savannah is standing alongside my truck, her arms crossed and folded, her eyes shooting daggers.

  I unlock the door and she huffs inside.

  As soon as I pull out of the parking lot, she starts.

  “There is no way that you are going on that tour!” she cries.

  I try not to let my anger get the best of me. “Be reasonable, Savannah. We know that I need this tour. I can’t play bars in Nashville for the rest of my life.”

  “No,” she says coldly, “you can’t.” She pauses, “That’s why I’m going to call Daddy first thing in the morning and tell him that you are quitting music and want a job with him.”

  I know I should stay calm, but it’s impossible. I nearly shoot through the roof.

  “Are you out of your fucking mind? You don’t get to make decisions like that for me!”

  “Well, I just did! I’m not having you go on tour with that little piece of trash, so you will just have to tell Kenny to find a new opening act, or you can quit! Besides, Daddy will pay you more than you could make touring anyway.”

  “That’s not the god-damned point, Savannah! This is my life! My career!”

  “It’s my life too!” She shouts, “And this tour isn’t happening!”

  I grip the steering wheel and take a few deep breaths.

  “We can have this conversation later, when we’ve calmed down,” I say, keeping my voice steady.

  Savannah stares out her window. “I’m not going to change my mind.”

  “You better watch yourself here, Savannah,” and I hear the cutting edge to my voice. “You’re about to cross a line that you don’t want to cross.”

  For the first time, Savannah looks over at me and I see a small trace of doubt cross her face.

  “What are you saying?” she asks.

  “I’m saying that this is my livelihood and you don’t want to go around giving me ultimatums.”

  “Whatever,” she says coldly.

  “Don’t test me, Savannah. I’m not in the mood. I work for Kenny. I’m under contract. I can’t just get out of my contract because my fiancé is insecure over some girl I dated fifteen years ago. Who also happens to be my boss’ daughter. You’re screwing with four people’s careers here because you feel threatened.”

  She opens her mouth to speak, but thinks again and then closes it.

  The rest of the ride home is silent and I slam the car door when I get out and walk ahead of Savannah. I lock myself in the office and she doesn’t dare come knocking. Pissed as hell, I take out my guitar and start playing some songs.

  It calms me a bit, but I’m still on edge. When I can no longer hear Savannah puttering around in the living room, I come out and get myself two beers before retreating back to the office. The bedroom door is closed so I assume she’s gone to bed.

  I’m so fucking angry that I can’t even think straight, but I try hard not to dwell on it. I spend the night on the couch
in the office, tossing and turning as I dream about Savannah and Paige.

  ~~~

  I hear Savannah moving about the kitchen in the morning, but when I look at my phone again, it’s nine-thirty and I know that Savannah must be at work by now. I come out of my office and make sure that she’s actually gone and then I hop in the shower.

  I know I shouldn’t do what I’m about to do, but I can’t help it. I scarf down some breakfast and then get in my car and drive to Kenny’s house. I pound on the front door but no one answers, even though I see Paige’s car in the driveway. I go around the side of the house, hop the fence, and knock on one of the back patio doors that lead to Paige’s part of the house.

  “Blake? What the hell?” Paige asks, pulling the door open and tugging down her t-shirt hem. I get the impression that she just threw her clothes on.

  “Paige, I’m sorry but I have to talk to you,” I say, pushing my way inside.

  “Sure, come on in,” she mutters.

  I stop. “I’m sorry. That was rude of me. I’ve just been out of my mind since last night.”

  Her face softens. “Okay. Come on in and sit down,” she gestures to her small kitchen table. “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “A soda would be nice.”

  She pulls out a can of Coke and hands it to me, and then picks up a glass of orange juice resting on the counter.

  “What’s going on?” she asks, sitting down across from me.

  I rake my hand through my hair. Where the hell do I begin?

  “It’s Savannah. Your dad came in last night to share the good news about the tour.”

  Paige smiles and nods, but I can see she is wary because I’ve mentioned Savannah.

  “Let me guess. Savannah has a problem.”

  I nod. “A major problem. She’s threatening that I have to quit the group if we go on tour with you.”

  “What?” she screeches, splashing her orange juice onto the table. “That’s ridiculous! This is your career! She can’t make those decisions!”

  “I know, I know. And I told her as much. I think I scared her a bit last night because I told her that she really didn’t want to go there with me.” I take a deep breath. “The thing is Paige, I want to do this tour, and the fact that you’re going to be there only makes it that much more appealing. Aside from touring with you, I need this tour for my career. I’m at the point where Rust is either going to make it or break it. I’m not ready to give up music and become a suit and tie guy. I don’t think I could ever do that.”

  Paige nods sympathetically. “I’m really sorry, Blake. I wish this were easier. I promise that I’ll stay far away from you.” She drops her head remorsefully. “I already feel awful about the other day.”

  “No way! I told you not to feel guilty!”

  “I promised to give you space! I'm just as much to blame for the kiss as you are. I could have tried harder to stop you and I didn’t.”

  Now I'm overwhelmingly frustrated, I jump up from the table.

  “That’s not what I’m trying to say, Paige!” I take a deep breath. “Savannah’s threatening you, her behavior last night, coupled with her ultimatums, just seems like too much. I’m thinking about –’’ I lose my nerve and start again. “I’m thinking about ending things with her.”

  “What?” Paige gasps.

  “I just don’t know if we’re meant to be anymore.”

  “Oh my god, Blake, you can’t do this. Please tell me this is not because of me! I’m so sorry!” She jumps up from the table too. “I think you need to leave! I didn’t come to Nashville to be a home wrecker,” she cries, on the verge of tears now.

  “No, no, Paige, that’s not what I’m saying. It just kind of opened my eyes to the fact that Savannah might not be the right woman for me.”

  “Blake,” she moans, covering her ears, “I can’t hear this. I feel awful enough as it is.”

  She yanks the door open and stares expectantly at me. She wants me to leave.

  I go to leave, but turn around to face her as I cross the threshold.

  “Think about it,” I say desperately, “Think about how it could be if we were together.”

  I see a glimmer of hope on Paige’s face, but it’s just as soon gone and she shuts the door in my face.

  TWELVE

  Paige

  The Guilty Kiss

  I hurry to the front of the house and watch Blake’s truck pull away. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It’s so wrong. I feel terrible that Savannah gave him an ultimatum; it’s almost like she knew about our kiss. But I can’t have Blake making any rash decisions, not when he’s engaged.

  Of course, I’ve dreamed about being with Blake. Imagined what it would be like if we could actually be together. And I know it would be amazing. But I can’t be responsible for the demise of a relationship. Especially, when I know deep down that Blake and Savannah never would have had problems if I hadn’t come back to town.

  Okay, maybe that wasn’t entirely true. Savannah wasn’t an angel. Blake clearly has his hands full with her. But right now, their drama is directly related to me.

  Only one thing will help clear my head, and I head back to my room and throw a swimsuit on. I dive into the pool, feeling the calmness of the rhythm of swimming laps.

  The laps give me something to focus on, a way to channel my energy, and by the time I climb out of the pool, exhausted but satisfied, the noise in my brain has calmed down. I wonder if I shouldn’t have sent Blake home right away. Maybe we should have talked more. But I was so terrified and yet secretly thrilled by what he suggested, that I couldn’t be around him for one more second.

  I can't dare to let myself think that maybe, somehow, he and I could have a future. It's wrong on so many levels. Not just because he's engaged, but also because I'm damaged goods. I had just returned to Nashville, and was just starting to deal with my past here. As much as I felt an attraction to Blake, what would really happen if we tried to become intimate? I was never able to become intimate with men after what happened to me. I keep telling myself that it would be different with Blake, because we had been intimate before, and because I trust him, but would it?

  I lay out in a lounge chair, letting the warm Nashville sun bake my skin. Blake probably spoke without thinking anyway. He was mad as hell at Savannah and her ridiculous ultimatum, so he thought up the most ludicrous of solutions. For all I know, Savannah could apologize tonight, and tell Blake she made a huge mistake and he could go on tour without any issues.

  I feel my own anger rise when I think of the position she put Blake in. She couldn’t possibly be serious that she wanted Blake to give up his career because we would be on tour together for one lousy month. Was she really that intimidated by me? And what for? She was the one who had Blake. How could a woman who looked and acted like Savannah be so insecure?

  I sigh, knowing that I need to get back to writing music. I’ve done pretty well so far, but I really need to keep working, especially since I’ll be on tour soon. At first, I thought my dad was just doing me a favor by asking me to go on tour, but when he showed me how well I was doing at filling the clubs, I had no choice but to believe that he really was making a smart business decision, numbers don't lie. Of course, I was thrilled to get to spend more time with Blake, even though I knew it would only cause me heartache.

  I hadn’t told my Momma yet because I was afraid of what her reaction would be when I told her I was opening for Blake. She already knew I still had feelings for him, and I had confessed how Savannah had showed up in the driveway to confront me. I know my mom would think it was a bad idea, but how could I say no when it was going to benefit my career?

  Resigning myself to the fact that I need to try to make this day productive, I get up to shower, and mentally prepare myself for the dreaded phone call to Momma.

  ~~~

  The rest of the week passes by without incident, and while I’m relieved that Blake and I haven’t seen each other or spoken, my heart aches for him.

&nbs
p; It’s exhausting.

  I know that Saturday night Rust and I are booked in the same club on the same night, and by the time Saturday rolls around; I’m a bundle of nerves and excitement. I’m desperate to see Blake, but I’m so terrified of what could happen between us. I’m sure that Blake has had time to think over his ludicrous suggestion of leaving Savannah, and I wonder if Savannah has budged on her preposterous ultimatum. My dad hasn’t said anything else about the tour, besides going over the dates, so I’m assuming that everything is still a go.

  As I get ready for Saturday night, I find myself primping more than usual. I remember what it was like as a teenager when I would get ready for my dates with Blake. That was the only time that I was excited to get ready for time spent with a guy. In college, I would force myself to dress up, dreading the time alone that I would spend with my boyfriends. And I wondered why those relationships didn’t work.

  I spend extra time blow-drying my hair, and then gently curl the ends so they’re soft and bouncy. I carefully apply my makeup, spending additional time highlighting my blue eyes.

  I pour over my closet, and finally select one of the new dresses I bought this week. It’s midnight blue and form-fitting with a plunging neckline, it’s classy but sexy at the same time. I opt for blue sparkly heels, which add just a pop of fun to the ensemble.

  After messing with my hair some more, I groan in frustration, unable to get it exactly right of course. I resign from the mirror, grab my guitar and hurry out the door towards the driveway. I’ve decided I can’t have my father continue to escort me to gigs, so tonight I’m driving myself. This makes me more jittery than usual, and I take deep breaths and listen to the radio as I drive along the highway.

  “Everything will be fine,” I promise myself in the car. “No one is going to hurt you, you can do this.”

  I know I sound like a lunatic, and even though I partially blame my father for what happened to me, it was nice to have him at events – my pseudo protector. As I try to talk myself into calmness, I envision Blake’s sexy eyes, and my stomach flutters up in nerves. I realize it’s hopeless to try to be calm at this point.

  I park near the club, and grab my guitar and hurry inside. The owner greets me, and ushers me back to the tiny closet of a dressing room. I go on before Rust, much like how our concert will run and I have only five minutes until I’m being summoned on stage.