by AE Woodward
The rumble gets louder, and immediately I know.
Parker has dusted off his old motorcycle.
It’s been so long since I’ve seen him on that thing that I’d actually forgotten he had it. It was a gorgeous Harley that he’s had since he was old enough to drive. I shake my head and begin to head inside when he pulls up next to me on the front porch.
“Get on,” he commands, holding up an extra helmet.
I stand for a moment, stunned, not knowing what to do. Torn between my guilt and the realization that life keeps moving on, whether I want it to or not.
Michael is gone… but Parker isn’t.
I feel selfish thinking it, but it’s the truth.
I look at him, searching for something to help me make a decision. His face, gorgeous as ever, searches mine too. If anything he’s gotten better with age, his jaw covered with a subtle five o’clock shadow. In typical parker fashion, he shoots me a slight smirk and before I know it I’m grabbing the helmet from him and slinging my leg over the side of the bike. Pressing my cheek to his shoulder blade, I wrap my arms tightly around his waist, bracing myself for him to take off.
I close my eyes as we ride. I’m petrified, and clearly hadn’t thought this through. I never did enjoy the idea of being on the back of his bike, hence this being my first time. Back then he’d teased me relentlessly for being such a goody two-shoes, despite him and Tommy doing everything possible to corrupt me. Once I conquered my anxiety and childhood mutism, I always stayed on course—straight A’s, National Honor Society, Cheerleading captain, and all that jazz. But Tommy and Parker wanted nothing more than for me to cut loose once in a while. In fact, while everyone else found my behavior endearing and respectful, they took it as a challenge.
We slow and eventually stop and I open my eyes. While Parker flicks down the kickstand and hops off the bike, I quickly look around, curious to see where we are. When I realize where he’s brought me I’m flooded with more emotions than I can handle.
Anger.
Hurt.
Frustration.
“You son of a bitch!” I yell without thinking.
Pain.
Sadness.
So much sadness.
I’m sure our looks match at the moment, both our eyes wide with shock. My hand immediately grips my throat as the burning begins, my unused vocal cords throwing a hissy fit. My stomach tosses my lunch around like it’s about to be launched back up.
“Finally!” Parker yells. “I wondered how many stunts I was going to have to pull before you’d talk again.”
My heart sinks. I want to strangle him for his arrogance, but I’d known it all along. I just hadn’t wanted to admit that this had all been about him. I shouldn’t be shocked, it always has. I really am just another conquest for him. He has been messing with my emotions.
Instead of strangling him, I settle for pounding his arm and I get a few punches in before he finally grabs my wrists. By now the tears are streaming down my face.
“I knew it. I was nothing but a challenge for you!” I cry.
Parker looks down at me, broken. “Stevenson asked me to help,” he admits.
His admission cuts me deep. “I hate you!” I scream, despite the fact that my throat is still burning. I thrash against him, hoping to make contact with him somehow, but his grip stays true.
“No, you don’t,” he argues, “because you wouldn’t be doing this if you did. Just like I only agreed to help because I care about you.”
Twisting and turning, I struggle to break free of his grip, but he’s too strong and eventually I give up. My arms go limp, so he lets go of me and I fall back onto my butt in the cold mud. With no other noise to mask them, the sounds of the rippling waves of the lake sends me back…
“Hey.”
As usual, his voice sends shivers down my spine, but this is unlike any other time. I loved him before, but now? Well, now I can’t stop thinking about him, me, and our future.
“Hi.” My voice is meek in comparison.
“Thanks for meeting me up here,” he says. “I thought we could use the time to talk.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “I think we need to talk.”
My stomach turns, knowing what needs to be said. I take a deep breath in preparation for my speech. I’ve practiced it so much I’m sure my teddy bears could recite it.
“Katie,” he cuts me off before I have the chance to begin, “what we did was a mistake. A stupid mistake. I should never have carried on with you like I did. I was an idiot. I’m sorry if I hurt you.”
The silence following his admission is deafening, and the hurt in my heart grows exponentially. He pounds the ground with his fist and cries, “Fuck. I hate that I did this. And to you of all people.”
A strange choking sound escapes my mouth, shocking me, and the lump in my throat threatens to make its presence known with loud sobs. I shake my head rapidly back and forth, refusing to believe the words he’s spewing.
He looks at me, pained. “Katie, you’re the one person I never wanted to hurt.”
So why is he?
“Your brother will fucking kill me if he finds out. Besides, I don’t want you giving up anything for me. I know you’re already reconsidering UNH.”
I hate that he knows me so well. He thinks he’s so smart.
I start backing away from him, refusing to believe that this is happening. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I’m supposed to get my happy ending.
“You have to go. You can’t stay behind with me. You’re better than that, better than this… better than me. Christ, Katie, I’ll be a grease monkey for the rest of my life, but you? You can be whatever you want to be, and I won’t be responsible for you throwing all that away. I won’t, Katie. I can’t. I care too fucking much.”
I want to throw up. But I don’t. Needing to get away from him, I rip the bracelet from my wrist and throw it in his face before running as fast as I can, never looking back…
I thought I had it all figured out back then, but I didn’t. I was naïve, just like I am now. I thought Parker actually cared about me, again. But everything has been a ruse, just another trick to get me rehabilitated. Our relationship continues to be nothing but a game for him, and I foolishly allowed it.
“I hate you,” I mutter under my breath.
“Katie, don’t…”
Without thinking, I let all the words I’ve held back for so long come pouring out, burning throat be damned. I’ve already broke the silence, might as well let it all out.
“Don’t what, Parker?” My voice cracks and groans as I try to clear the cobwebs. “I’ve got enough to deal with, without you muddying the waters. But what do you do? You come waltzing back in, like nothing ever happened.” A sob escapes my throat. I look up at from him. “You’re breaking my heart all over again. The first time was bad enough, but this… this is killing me. You’ve been playing a selfish game!”
I’m crying harder than I ever imagined because I know it isn’t right. It’s not normal that I’m here fighting with Parker about our history when my family is in the ground.
“It’s not a game!” he yells back, and the harshness in his voice scares me.
I sit there, stunned. A scream threatens in the back of my throat but I keep it at bay, knowing there will be no relief with it. There are no nurses waiting in the wings with intravenous drugs to stop the pain. I’ve got to deal with this, whether I like it or not.
“Katie, please…” Parker reaches out to me, and I see the longing in his eyes.
I slap his hand away. “No! You need to leave me alone.”
I turn away from him. I can’t look at him. His face, his eyes… they make me weak. Instead, I stare out at the open water, hoping that it will calm me. “Call Tommy, have him come get me.”
Parker clears his throat before I hear him pushing buttons on his phone. I listen in as he tells Tommy to come meet us and I breathe a sigh of relief, thankful that my true knight in shining armor will save me soon e
nough.
Relief overwhelms me when I finally see Tommy’s car pull up. The tears have stopped pouring from my eyes, but every inch of the wall I’d surrounded myself with has crumbled to my feet. Somehow, sitting alone in the mud, I’ve calmed down a bit, but I’m not all that excited to see how pissed off Tommy is. He hops down from his lifted pick-up truck and slams the door. The anger is visible all over his face.
“What the fuck, Parker?” he screams. “I told you to leave her alone.”
He makes his way over to me. I’m still in a heap in the mud and Parker is sitting at the picnic table across the way, his head in his hands. He doesn’t respond to Tommy, just continues to hang his head in shame. For some reason my heart aches, but not for myself. No, my heart aches for him. While a part of me appreciates Tommy looking out for me, the other part—the part that still loves Parker—wants him to stop berating him.
But Tommy just can’t leave well enough alone. No, he needs for Parker to say something… anything. He’s not going to let him off scot-free. “Hey asshole, I’m talking to you!”
It takes a while, but Parker finally acknowledges Tommy’s presence. Getting to his feet, he lifts his head and holds his hands up, palms out, like he’s admitting defeat. His eyes are red, and damn it all to hell I know without a doubt that I feel sorry for him. Perhaps I misjudged him… overreacted a bit even.
“I’m sorry, Tommy. I—I—I was just…” He stutters as he walks toward us.
Instinct tells me that Tommy’s about to lose it. The sound of cracking knuckles makes me nervous, and I worry about what might happen. Tommy and Parker are the best friends, but I could be the one thing to tear them apart. I’ve always known that.
There’s only one option: I have to calm the situation to the best of my ability. Reaching up and grabbing Tommy by the arm, I say, “He was just trying to help.”
The sound of my voice stops him in his tracks and he looks back at me, the anger visibly melting away. A broad smile spreads across his face.
I smile back.
Before I can really register it he turns and runs toward me, wrapping his arms around my neck. “Katie?” he chokes out.
The hug I give him back is tentative, but I do burying my nose in his neck. I forgot what he smelled like. Fresh air, leather, and cologne. “Yeah, it’s me, Tommy.” I breathe into his shoulder.
He leans back, allowing his eyes to meet mine before embracing me again, squeezing tighter. “My God. I’ve missed you so much.”
“Me too, Tommy. Me too.”
Releasing me from our hug, he steps back to place his hands on my shoulders. There is a look in his eyes that I can’t quite read, almost as though he expects me to disappear again, and I guess I can’t really blame him for that. He glances over his shoulder at Parker and points toward him with one finger. “This isn’t over, numb nuts.”
I know that Tommy won’t let this go, but at least he’s calming down. This won’t be the fight it could have been.
Parker nods, acknowledging that he’s got unfinished business with Tommy, before hopping back on his motorcycle. With one swift kick he starts it and is gone in a flash, leaving Tommy and I in the mud, clinging to each other as if our lives depend on it. In a way I guess they do. Tommy and I always needed each other, and I haven’t exactly been there as of late.
“So…” Tommy leads.
I’m not sure what he wants me to say, but my throat is burning from all this talking. I’m exhausted and I just want to go take a nap. “So…” I repeat.
“This Parker’s doing?” he asks.
I feel my face flush. “My emotions got the best of me.”
“They always do when it comes to him.” He’s telling the truth and teasing me, simultaneously.
Yet again, I smile. It feels nice to go back and forth with Tommy again, even if I had to have a major meltdown in order to have a breakthrough. Maybe I shouldn’t be mad at Parker? He seemed really sorry, but it had been his poor decisions that brought my emotions to life again, with every ounce of sadness and remorse that I’d been trying to suppress flooding through the dam in an instant.
All is fair in love and war, right?
And in Parker’s defense, he clearly did care about me. He just wanted to help, and he had. The way he’d gone about it was extremely selfish, but that was the way he did things. He didn’t think, he just did.
Tommy stands and helps me up. Brushing at my clothes, I attempt to clean some of the mud off my legs, but it’s no use. I’m covered.
“Lets get you home, Katie. Mom and Pop have been waiting to have you back.”
The drive home is filled with an easy silence. The radio seems to be making a soundtrack for us—knowing the right songs to play, and the right moments to play them.
In a way, I’m relieved to be talking again. But at the same time I continue to feel guilt. My little dark secret slowly eats away at me. It doesn’t seem right. Nothing does. I shouldn’t be smiling, or enjoying Tommy’s company. Not when my husband and children will never get to again. It’s selfish. Plain and simple.
The mood in the cab of Tommy’s truck shifts as I consider giving it all up, again. In a way, the silence had been more comforting than this. At least then I’d been miserable, and that was okay because I should have been, but now, with the smiles, the talking, and living… it just doesn’t seem right.
My thoughts are broken by Tommy grabbing my hand. He squeezes it gently, giving me just the right amount of reassurance at just the right time. “It’s okay, Katie. Nobody is going to think any less of you now,” he assures me. “You starting to live again is admirable. You’re strong, sister of mine.”
“Have you not been around me at all, Tommy?” I shift nervously in my seat. “I am not strong.”
He scoffs as he turns up our driveway. “Of course you are, Katie. It takes a strong person to be able to pick themselves up off the ground, dust and all. I’m proud of you, and they would be too.” He looks at me as he puts the car in park.
God, I love my brother.
I lean across the seat and wrap my arms around his neck. “I love you. Tommy.”
His hands run through the back of my hair. “I know you do, but I’m still gonna kill Parker.” I shake my head and roll my eyes. Always a boy—in fact I’m sure he’ll never grow up. I mean, how many thirty year olds actually still live with their parents?
We break our embrace and he hops out of the truck, gesturing for me to follow. “Lets go show Mom and Pop your new trick.”
“I’m not a dog,” I mutter as I slid out of his truck.
He laughs and wraps his arm around my neck, pulling me close enough to kiss my forehead. “It’s so good to have you back, Katie. You seriously have no idea.”
There’s a tightening in my stomach that increases with each step I take, culminating in a sharp, stabbing pain when I cross the threshold of the house. Despite how I feel I know I’m not physically hurt, the pain simply a manifestation of every emotion known to man coursing through my body. It’s a strange feeling, and I can’t really even process all the thoughts going through my head. I’m ready, but anxious, to talk to my parents, and at the same time I’m worried about Parker. I need to see him to thank him. To let him know that I’m sorry for the way I reacted, and that I really do appreciate what he’s done for me. Because at least he cares—or it might be “cared” now, past tense—enough to not give up on me. There’s no turning back for me know. What’s done is done.
There’s a loud crash as Tommy slings the screen door open and calls out something to my parents. I’m not sure what exactly, since I’m too busy trying to navigate my conflicting emotions. I’m confused, and slightly hurt, yet excited and nervous.
And Sad.
Somehow, I’m still always sad.
Mom and Pop come around the corner, concerned looks painted on their faces. “Tommy? Oh, thank God, you found Katie.”
I force a smile, despite all the other feelings coursing through my veins. I’m focusing
on getting myself better, regardless of all the bad shit in my life. Everyone around me deserves that. It’s time to give everyone some closure. I need to move on so we can all start healing our broken hearts.
This is the first step.
The end of silence is the key to it all.
“Hi, Mom.”
She sucks in a breath, obviously taken aback by the sound of my voice. She places her hands over her mouth, covering the surprise I know is painted on her face. She’s shocked to the core. Hell, I still am too. A single tear falls from her cheek and I notice Pop squeeze her hand. They love each other so much.
“Oh my… my Katie,” she cries, before running to me and throwing her arms tightly around my neck.
And we all stand there in the kitchen.
Hugging.
Kissing.
Crying.
But it feels good. It feels all right. Like maybe things can be okay again.
I eventually make my way up to my bedroom, at least, once everyone stopped fussing over me. It’s nice to feel a little happiness in the house again. It’s vaguely familiar because we’ve been through it before—the silence turning into joy, and going on about our life, despite all the bad crap.
I know I should go to sleep. But I can’t. Not yet.
The stairs creak and I know Mom and Pop are heading to bed. I wait for all the lights to turn off behind them, just like Tommy taught me all those years ago.
Once I see the hallway light flick off and hear them close their bedroom door, I tug my boots on and tiptoe over to my window, hoping that the chains are still lubricated from the last time I greased them. When it slides up without making so much as a sound, I have a silent, celebratory moment.
Slowly, I position one leg out on the ledge, followed by the other. Looking out, I’m struck with panic. I don’t remember it being so high. Maybe I’ve gone a little soft with age? No, that’s not it. No, now I just realize how precious life is.
Taking a deep breath, I carefully make my way down the lattice and leap down onto the front porch.
