by AE Woodward
“Aren’t you a little old to be sneaking out?”
I stifle the scream that threatens to come out of my mouth with my hands, and I try to calm my rapidly beating heart. Spinning around, I see my brother sitting on the porch swing, the only light coming from the end of his cigarette. “Jesus, Tommy.” I whisper. Once my heart rate evens out I’m able to speak again. “Well, I learned from the best.”
“So, where do you think you’re going?” he asks, standing and flicking his butt onto the ground.
I shrug my shoulders.
Tommy’s mouth presses into a hard line. “You’re going to see him, aren’t you?”
Why can everyone read me so well? Knowing that I can’t argue, I let out an exasperated sigh and nod. “I have to. I know you think he’s playing with my emotions, and maybe he is, but I still need to thank him, and tell him I’m sorry for the way I reacted. He pushed me, Tommy. He didn’t give up on me. It’s because of him that you and I are standing here, talking again.”
Tommy shoves his hands into his sweatshirt pocket and clicks his tongue. “I know I don’t know all that went on between you guys growing up, I’m sure of that. But I do know that you’re like a moth to flame with him… you know that, right?”
I nod. It wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that there’s more than friendship between us. There was so much more, so much history.
“Yeah. But I’m not about to let him burn me again, Tommy. I’m not ready for that, and I’m not the dumb, doe-eyed girl I once was.”
Tommy nods his head. He thinks he knows, but he doesn’t. Truth is, if he knew the half of it he wouldn’t be friends with Parker. Period. Simple as that.
Parker had dragged my heart through the coals, leaving nothing behind but ash and dust and Michael had been the one to help heal my broken soul. He took me in his arms, molding me so that I was whole again. No questions asked. Michael saved me then, and I owed it to him, now that he’s gone, to keep fighting.
But I also owed Parker my gratitude.
“So, how are you getting there?” Tommy asks.
“Well, I hadn’t thought that far ahead.” I didn’t have keys to any of the cars, but that didn’t really matter because I simply couldn’t bear the thought of driving myself.
Tommy shakes his head at me before throwing his cigarette to the ground and stomping it out. “Get in,” he commands, before walking in the direction of his truck.
I smile and do just as I’m told.
It feels weird to be here. It’s been years since I’ve seen the shop that Parker lives above but it hasn’t changed at all—it looks just like I remembered it. I want to be shocked that he’s still living here. But I’m not. Parker always knew what the future held for him. My stomach churns, tossing around its contents. I’m suddenly thinking that this is a bad idea.
Or is it?
I don’t know.
I’m all over the place.
“I’ll wait out here,” Tommy says as he puts a pinch of chew in his lip.
“You’re not coming in?” I ask, unfastening my seatbelt.
“Nope. I’m not ready to talk to him yet.”
I reach over and pat his leg. “Tommy, don’t be mad at him.”
“Katie, don’t tell me what to feel. The fact of the matter is that he’s gone back on his word with me… again. I just need some time before I have to look at him in the face, solely so I don’t pound it in.”
I shrug. I don’t know all the ins and outs of his relationship with Parker, and I don’t need to because that’s between them.
Before I lose my nerve, I make my way up the stairs at the side of the building. With each step, I feel a little more awkward.
It doesn’t feel right.
I shouldn’t be here.
I stop at his door, contemplating turning around and just leaving. This could’ve waited. I’m about to turn around when I realize I owe this to him, on so many levels. Parker has been there through a lot of my tough times. We were just kids when the waters got muddied. Neither of us made the best decisions, and the blame can’t lay completely on him.
I knock.
There’s a faint mumbling from behind the door just before it flies open and he’s standing there, shirtless, his jeans slung low on his hips. I can’t help but notice that his body hasn’t changed at all besides a tattoo that I can’t quite make out. It’s not right that admiration of his body is all that goes through my mind, especially with all the shit going on in my life. But all I can think in that moment is how beautiful he still is, and it makes me hate myself even more. If that’s even possible.
“Katie? What? How?” He turns and grabs his shirt off the back of his kitchen chair.
I bite my lip. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I hope I didn’t wake you up.”
“No, no,” he says as he throws his shirt on over his head. “Come in.”
I go in and stand awkwardly in his kitchen/living room. The place hasn’t changed at all. Parker cleans about as much now as he did as a teenager. He quickly starts picking up pieces of mail and dirty dishes off his coffee table.
“Have a seat, kiddo. Can I get you something to drink?”
Forcing a confidence that I definitely do not have, I take a few steps to the couch and sit on the edge of the cushion. “No, I’m fine.”
He grabs an already opened Coke can before sitting next to me. He seems to have completely recovered from earlier, but Parker can do that. Every day is a new scene, and he puts on a good show, never really letting anyone know his true thoughts and feelings.
“So, I just came by… well,” I start, but stop to take a deep breath. Just as I say, “I’m sorry for how I reacted at the lake,” Parker says, “You have every right to be mad with me…” It takes a few seconds, but my words reach his ears and he stops what he’s saying and looks at me. “Wait, what did you say?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “I said I’m sorry. I overreacted at the lake. It brought back a lot of memories, and emotions. I realize that you were just trying to help.”
“I know it was a dick move, taking you there,” he nervously rubs the back of his neck, his eyes studying the flooring, “but I just wanted the old Katie back, and I would have done anything, and I mean anything, to get you back.”
With those words, I understand that we’re not just talking about my mutism now. I should feel uncomfortable. But oddly enough, I don’t. It’s just Parker, and our time has already passed.
“You gotta realize, that girl is gone, Parker. She’s been gone a long time, before any of this ever happened. That girl was lost the first time we met at that lake.”
“I refuse to believe that.”
He reaches up and touches my cheek and for a brief moment I lean into his touch, before I realize that what I’m doing is wrong. Quickly knocking his hand away, I stand up.
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” he asks, an edge to his voice. I frustrate him, I always have. Any fool can see that.
The anger rises within me. I didn’t come here to do this, but I can’t stop the onslaught of emotions that hit me. “Don’t act like the past seven years didn’t happen, Parker. Because they did. You made your choice a long time ago, and I’ve been through too much because of it.”
He scrubs his face with his hands, the stubble on his face making a scuffing sound as he does. “I feel like all of this is my fault, Katie. I just want to make it right.”
I want to tell him. To let him know that it’s not completely his fault. Yes, I left because of him, but I’m the one who made choices that I’m not proud of. I did more to get me to this place than he ever did.
But I don’t, choosing instead to run with the emotions that he’s evoked. He’s just taking pity on me, and I refuse to let him take advantage again. “Don’t do me any favors, Parker,” I seethe just before I turn on the heel of my boot and walk out.
Tears cloud my vision and I can barely see as I make my way down the stairs. I wipe at my face a
s I hop back into Tommy’s truck.
Tommy takes one look at me and moves for the door. “Yep. I’m going to kill him.”
I reach out and grab him by the arm. “Don’t.”
He stops and looks at me. “Why are you always sticking up for him, Katie? You let him walk all over your heart. Even while you’re grieving.”
“Because I love him!”
“No shit, Katie. But you’re not a kid anymore. You deserve better than Parker McKenzie trampling on your heart, over and over again.”
“Just let it be, Tommy,” I plead
“Why should I?”
“Because, Parker isn’t the bad guy.”
“Then who is?” he asks, taking his hand off the door handle and turning in his seat.
“Me.”
Things effortlessly fall into a normal rhythm. Well, as normal as things can be for me for the time being. I keep my distance from Parker. That doesn’t keep him from watching me, but he’s not the only one. Everyone watches me—I’m constantly under the microscope. There are eyes are on me every time I take Onyx out, or feed the chickens, and especially when I decide to go for a run by myself.
It’s how every morning goes. And I’m finally eating my breakfast when Stevenson walks in.
“Morning, Katie,” he chirps.
I wave in response as I chew on my toast. It’s one of my favorite things about Stevenson. He stopped saying “good morning” when I asked him to. Of course, he’d asked why, and I simply told him it was because there was nothing “good” about it. Every morning was just another day. Nothing unusual, nothing exciting. Just another twenty-four hours for me to make it through, and somehow I always do.
Stevenson hums to himself as he pours a cup of coffee from Pop’s pot. He’s gotten particularly cozy with me, and my family. It’s kind of nice, having some one who just listens to me, someone who really knows me, and what I’ve done. What I feel.
Days with Stevenson always make me feel better because he understands me. He gets why I feel guilty, day in and day out, and he lets me know that it’s okay.
Since I started talking again, I’ve told Stevenson a lot about my past. Not all of it, but most of it. There’s really only one thing I can’t bring myself to talk about. In fact, I can’t even think about it most of the time.
“So shall we?” he asks, stalking past me towards the family room.
I sigh before quickly scoffing down my last bite of toast and follow him, without saying a word.
The floorboards creak as we walk. The living room is bright—the shades are pulled back, allowing all the gorgeous morning sunlight to flood the room. He sits down in the chair he has proclaimed as his own, and I flop onto the couch. I laugh at the irony as I lay back and put my hands behind my head.
“So what do you wanna talk about today, doc?” I ask.
Without missing a beat he answers me. “I want to talk about Parker.”
I consider arguing, but I know it’s no use. Stevenson always gets me to do what he wants, one way or another. “What do you want to know? Wait, hang on, let me rephrase that. What don’t you know? I know you’ve already talked to Parker.” I glare at him.
Stevenson seems shocked to hear that I know the two of them talked for a moment, but he doesn’t falter. “Your treatment plan and consent allowed me that opportunity, Katie. I have talked to him, but I only know Parker’s side of things, and I’m not so sure how forthcoming he was with me.”
I consider my options, but decide that having someone besides me know the story of Parker and I might be helpful. So, without any kicking or screaming, I close my eyes and the memories instantly flood my conscious. “So, where do you want me to start?”
“At the beginning.”
With my eyes closed, I picture the first time I laid eyes on Parker McKenzie, and I begin.
“I’m pretty sure I’ve loved Parker all of my life. I don’t have a memory without him in it. At first it wasn’t so much a physical crush, more an emotional thing. He and Tommy didn’t treat me like a nuisance, and they let me hang out with them despite all my issues.”
I pause and think back at to how hard it had been for me. “Being a mute didn’t exactly help me make friends, and Parker and Tommy were it for me. My rocks. Always watching out for me. Always there, sticking up for me.” I pause to laugh.
“I was fifteen the first time he kissed me. He’d just turned 20, and I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. Since it was just a quick peck, I’m sure by anyone else’s standards it wouldn’t have been considered swoon-worthy, but it didn’t stop me from falling head over heels for him. Of course, I don’t think it was ever anything like that for him. He was Parker McKenzie—he surely wouldn’t want to date the mute girl. The girl that people continued to think was a little odd, despite me being perfectly normal at that point. Parker and Tommy were your run-of-the-mill country boys. They liked to kick up a little dirt, get into trouble. But after we shared that first innocent kiss, I began to realize that Parker McKenzie would never be mine so I turned all my attention to school. I got straight A’s, played sports, did my chores, and rode horses.”
I stop to take a breath.
I’ve never told anyone the whole story, this is always as far as I’d gotten. I consider stopping here again, but I need to get it all out there. Come clean with it all. Tell someone all of my demons. Maybe Stevenson can help me muddle through the feelings of my past.
“But when I turned eighteen, all that changed. It started one early summer night. Tommy and Parker were drunk and they needed a ride, so they called me, like they always did, and I went to get their drunk asses, like I always did because it was Tommy and Parker. I got there but Tommy had already left with his girlfriend, so I drove Parker home.” The memory is so vivid, so fresh, that my emotions catch up to me. A sob catches in my throat, and I cover my mouth with my hand.
Stevenson leans forward and places a hand on my knee. “Did Parker hurt you, Katie?” he asks, suddenly very concerned.
I shake my head and continue. “No. At least not in the way you’re probably thinking. Parker kissed me again that night, but that time it was different. When he kissed me, I felt like I was finally coming alive, like I’d found my person. I just knew that Parker was feeling it too and he and I… traveled into unchartered territory. I lost my virginity and it was the start of the best summer of my life. He and I snuck around for weeks, meeting up to spend time alone. He insisted that we keep our relationship a secret, just until he could figure out how to tell Tommy. I thought I was getting my happily ever after with the guy I’d been dreaming of since I was a little girl. But I didn’t. August rolled around and Parker took me to the lake.”
Stevenson was piecing things together. “The same lake where you had your breakthrough?”
I wouldn’t call it a breakthrough, more like a breakdown. All those feelings came rushing back. The feelings that I had worked so hard to shut off and push aside. It would be enough to make the strongest person come to their knees. And I had.
I nodded. “Yeah. I thought he was finally going to ask me to be his girl. In fact, I was banking on it. I was nervous as hell, because I had my own things I needed to tell him.”
A single tear falls onto my cheek but I wipe it away just as fast. I can’t do it. I’m not ready.
Stevenson hands me a tissue. “It’s okay, Katie. I get it, don’t force yourself to say anything you don’t want to. I can connect the dots. I’m a doctor. It’s my job to piece things together. It makes sense now. You punishing yourself. Your withdrawal. The connection with Parker that you’ve tried to fight.”
“I’m scared,” I sob.
“Why?”
“I don’t think I can fight it anymore.”
“And that scares you because?”
“Because I don’t think I deserve any of this.”
“You were just a kid, Katie. You made choices that most adults struggle with. You did what was best for you.”
“And look where t
hat got me. My husband and babies are all dead!” I cry out.
“Katie, you’ve got to understand that the choices you made back then didn’t cause them to die. The other vehicle did. It was an accident. You lived.” He reaches over and grabs my hand in his. “They live within you, and they would want you to live the life they can’t.”
“But you don’t know everything.” I pause, taking a deep breath before letting all my skeletons come crashing out of the closet.
It’s surreal, sitting on the porch watching the sun go down, knowing that my big secret is out there. I told Stevenson my deepest, darkest secret, but he didn’t ostracize me. In fact, he understood.
This is the first big moment. One of those times when I feel like I’m forgetting the pain, but then the guilt creeps in and I remind myself of all that I’ve lost. Despite what Stevenson says, deep down I feel as though I don’t deserve this second chance. It still doesn’t seem fair, or right.
“Mind if I join you?”
I look up to see Parker hovering over me.
I scoot over. “Be my guest.”
He sits down, a little closer than I’d like and I’m already leaning against the banister. I’m closed in. His leg brushes mine, and my palms start sweating. “You ride today?” he asks as pulls out his pack of Marlboros.
I take a deep cleansing breath. Every part of me wants to be mad at him for being such a dick, but I can’t. He’s Parker.
“Yeah, I took Onyx on a three miler after my session with the doc. She did good. She’s getting strong.”
“Just like you.” He thumbs his Bic and takes a drag of his cigarette, making the end glow red.
“I’m not strong,” I argue.
“Yeah, you are.” He inhales, then releases the smoke from his mouth. “You just don’t realize it. Everyday that you get up and smile, you get a little stronger.”
Silence finds us just as the sun disappears behind the horizon. I’m lost in my thoughts, considering going for a run myself when I feel Parker’s fingers touch mine. I want to pull away, but I don’t. Instead, I allow him to slide his hand in mine, our fingers interlocking with ease. I sneak a look at him out of the corner of my eye, I see that he’s smiling and I can’t help but join him.
