by AE Woodward
With a devilish grin, Parker pulls a pen from his pocket and, bringing my hand onto his lap, he starts to doodle on my wrist. It takes him a few minutes to scroll his message and by the time he finishes I feel giddy, like a teenager in love. But then, I’m reminded that I’m not a teenager anymore. I’m a widow who buried her husband and children a few short months ago. I’m not behaving like I should. Fear and loathing consume me. I’m torn between what’s right and what my heart feels.
“I can’t do this,” I mutter as I pull my hand free. Looking down I see his message: Make it Count.
“Do what?”
“Be here… with you. Holding your hand, having you scratch love notes on me, all while they’re dead. It’s not right, Parker.”
Parker turns so that he’s facing me. “If this isn’t right, then I don’t know what is.” The remaining sunlight catches his gorgeous eyes and they sparkle. “You can’t keep punishing yourself, Katie. It’s not your fault that they’re gone.”
My heart aches. It’s the second time today I’ve heard that. Maybe if they all keep saying it, I might start believing them. Parker wants to understand, just like Stevenson, but he doesn’t. “You can’t say that when you don’t know all the facts.”
“I don’t have to know it all, Katie. I just know that you were given this second chance for a reason.” He pauses and grabs both my hands, pulling me around to face him. My eyes land on his and I literally stop breathing. All those years gone by, all this shit, and Parker McKenzie still has the ability to take my breath away.
“Katie. I’ve waited long enough. You’ve grieved and you’re still healing. I get that. But please let me help you heal. Will you let me, Katie?”
I consider pulling away. Part of me wants to rip my hands free of him and run. But I can’t do that, again. Before I second-guess myself I lean forward and press my lips against his. The gesture is familiar and we immediately fall into rhythm with each other. Minutes pass, when I feel him smile against my lips.
“I expected that to be a little bit harder,” he murmurs, his forehead pressed to mine.
“Sorry. I always have been a little hopeless when it comes to you.”
He laughs as he stands but I frown when his skin leaves mine. I hate to admit it, but his touch is calming. Despite the history that Parker and I have, and the pain that came with it, these days he’s one of the only things to make me feel human again. The fact of the matter is that, lately, he’s given me a reason to wake up everyday. I love knowing that he watches me work Onyx while he drinks his coffee before heading to the shop for the day. I love that he makes sure she’s brushed before I get up in the mornings. But mostly, I love Parker, and I have done ever since I could say his name. Even though things are complicated, and messed up beyond belief, maybe Parker is the answer to all my fears.
I owe it to myself—no, to us—to see if I can move forward. Because maybe it would be okay. Maybe it would be all right if I let myself focus on something positive. Maybe remembering my love for Parker can help heal my heart.
Parker sticks his hand out, his palm facing the sky. “Come on,” he says.
“Where are we going?”
“Does it matter?”
He’s right. It doesn’t. Call me crazy, or stupid, but I’d follow him anywhere. I put my hand in his, and he effortlessly pulls me to my feet. Without so much as a second thought, or a word to anyone, we’re in his Mustang, driving to God-knows-where, listening to the radio. His fingers drum the steering wheel, and it reminds me of Michael. He would always let the beat take control of his hands. It was one of my favorite things about him. How he could just be happy and one with the music.
A lump forms in my throat, and I’m just about ready to tell Parker to take me home, when he takes my hand in his and kisses the top of it gently. As though he knew I needed it.
I sigh, hoping to ease my reeling mind a bit. “So, where are we going?” I finally ask.
He grins. “I am fulfilling a long overdue promise.”
“Oh yeah. What promise is that?”
“I’m finally taking you to get that tattoo you’ve always wanted.”
I smile. Parker always promised me that he’d be the one to take me to get my first tattoo, after I turned 18 of course. We’d both planned out what we wanted, both of our ideas revolving around time and making it count. But life had got in the way of that promise. My heart got broken, and I never looked back. Until now.
Even after all these years, my body has remained a blank canvas, in spite of the never-ending itch to get one, because it never felt right. The experience was one I was meant to share with Parker, and everything about doing it now feels… right.
“What makes you think I still want it?” I tease.
He pulls into a parking lot and puts his car in park. He turns his body so that he’s looking at me. “Because it’s not only the most fitting thing for you to do, but putting it in ink will remind you to do it every day… for the rest of your life.”
I smile. I almost forgot how good he is with words. “Are you gonna get one?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “I already got mine.”
My jaw drops, the shock that he’d gone through with it, despite all that went on between us, is overwhelming. “When?” I ask.
“The minute you left.”
I want to ask more, ask to see it or something, but I don’t. The timing doesn’t feel quite right. So instead, we hop out of the car and make our way into the tattoo parlor. Once inside, I fill out the appropriate paperwork. The secretary type leads me to the back room where the artist is already setting up his stuff.
“This is Tiny,” she says before leaving.
I laugh to myself, because the man is anything but Tiny.
“So what are you getting, sweetheart?” he asks as he fiddles with his tattoo gun. It buzzes as it comes to life and I jump.
I take a deep breath and think back on all the times Parker and I had said those meaningful words to each other. “I want these words,” I show him the place where Parker had written Make it Count, “on my wrist. In fact, just go over the handwriting.”
Parker smiles at me, his eyes full of a combination of shock and adoration. He obviously hadn’t expected me to do that. In truth, neither had I, but it seems right. Parker has written notes to me on my skin for years, so it was only fitting that I get one permanently etched into my body and soul.
Tiny raises his eyebrows before nodding and shrugging his shoulders. He doesn’t get the significance, but that’s okay, because it’s not meant for him.
It’s a Parker and Katie thing.
“That really didn’t hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would,” I say as Parker and I walk out of the shop hand in hand.
“Wishing you hadn’t waited so long now?” he asks with a smirk.
I ponder his question for a moment, but there is no doubt in my mind. “No. Because this… this was perfect.”
Parker pulls out his cell phone and worriedly glances down at it. I’m sure he’s catching hell from my family—one in particular. “Tommy?” I ask once we’re in the car, buckling our seat belts.
“Yeah.” Parker bites nervously on his fingers. “He’s been calling every fifteen minutes.”
“You should call him back.”
“Nah. I’d rather talk to him in person. With you there by my side.” He reaches over and pats my leg. “Looks like we got some ’splaining to do, kiddo.”
I force a smile, attempting to lighten the mood, but it doesn’t work. The ride home is filled with uncomfortable silence. I’m not even sure Tommy and Parker have talked through the last episode they had. It was funny, the two people who care about me most, can’t quite seem to see eye to eye when it comes to my emotional wellbeing. I guess I can’t really blame them for that, because it felt the same for me. Feeling this, thinking that. It really was confusing.
I’m fighting a nervous belly as we pull up the driveway. Mom, Pop, and Tommy are all waiting for us on the front p
orch. “Here we go,” Parker mutters under his breath before opening the door. I follow suit.
The second the door opens I hear Tommy flying down the stairs. Mom and Pop aren’t too far behind him. “What. The. Fuck, Parker?”
“Tommy, relax.” I plead, strategically placing myself between them. Neither of them would risk hurting me. But Parker pulls me to the side, allowing Tommy full access to him. It’s some sort of guy code I’m sure—no one ever wants to hide behind a woman.
“No, Katie, I won’t relax.” Tommy brushes past me, pushing me into Mom’s arms. “I want to know what the hell Parker thinks he’s doing. He’s been fuckin’ with your head ever since you got home and I’m God damn tired of it!” Tommy bumps chests with Parker, as if his statement needs a little extra emphasis.
I put myself in between them again, my hands pushing back on each of their chests. “It’s not like that, Tommy. Just calm down and let me—let us—explain.”
“Us?” Tommy looks at me quizzically. “Are you that dumb, Katie?”
Tears sting my eyes.
Pop joins the chaos on the lawn and wraps his arm around my shoulder. I breathe in his familiar scent and I feel myself calm a bit. “Now, boys, we can all talk about this calmly inside.”
Tommy glares at Parker for a few uneasy moments before he finally breaks free and stalks into the house. For a second, no one else moves, until Parker hangs his head and follows behind. Sighing, Pop leads me in by the arm.
By the time I sit, Mom is already pouring everyone a glass of sweet tea.
“Where were you?” she asks as she sets down the last cup.
“Parker took me to get a tattoo.”
Tommy scoffs and rolls his eyes.
I glare at him. “It’s something I always wanted, and tonight… well, it felt right,” I retort.
“I always told Katie that I’d take her,” Parker adds.
The crash of Tommy’s fist against the kitchen table causes everyone in the room to jump. His anger is getting the best of him. “I wanna know what you think you’re doing, Parker!”
Parker takes a deep breath, and I know he’s doing his best to remain levelheaded—a feat in itself when being challenged by Tommy Garvin. “I’m not doing anything, Tommy.”
My heart sinks hearing those words. He and I are nothing. Straight from his mouth. Here I thought things were different this time, but no, it’s the same bull, different day. No. Different life altogether.
I’m shaking my head as I stand to leave. Tears prick the backs of my eyes again. I should have known better. Tommy tried telling me. Hell, I’d lived it once before. But for some reason unbeknownst to me, I can’t help myself.
“Katie, don’t go…” Parker pleads. “Let me finish.”
I turn around, making sure I put on my best strong face. “I’ve heard enough and I’m tired. Night everyone. Thanks again for the tattoo, Parker.”
I don’t see Parker the next day.
Or the day after that.
His absence reaffirms my thoughts and feelings about his intentions. It’s always felt like a cat and mouse game with Parker, and I guess I’m right. I’m convinced I am just some sort of challenge to him. It’s an unwritten rule that you should never go after a friend’s sister, almost like a forbidden fruit. Maybe that’s what it was all those years ago. Just a big old “fuck you” to Tommy.
But why the games now? What is he trying to prove this time around?
I’ve stewed enough, and decide a run is just what I need. I quickly change out of my scrubby clothes into something more athletic and lace up my old running shoes. “Going for a run, Mom!” I yell as the screen door slams behind me.
I stretch for a few minutes before taking the long dirt road that takes me away from the house. It spans our land, leading out to the main tarred road. I’m immediately lost in the rhythmic sound of my shallow breathing and the thump of my feet pounding against the ground. Running is a great way to escape, and it’s easy to lose track of time, my thoughts, and the distance I’ve gone. When you’re running, thinking is optional, so I don’t. I just let my feet lead me.
When I finally stop I’m out of breath, my legs tired and on the brink of giving out. Leaning forward, I put my hands on my knees. I concentrate on my breathing as I try to slow it down. It takes a few minutes before I feel like I’m not dying, and once I do, I look up to see where I’ve ended up. The sight that greets my eyes has me immediately considering running right straight back home, but he’s just coming out of the shop.
“Katie?” he calls out, his hand shielding his eyes from the hot summer sun. He walks towards me and I decide it’s too late for me to split.
“Hey,” I manage to say, still slightly breathless.
His eyes take me in. “Did you run here?”
“Yeah,” I huff. “Well, I didn’t run here per say, I just ran until I stopped, which just happened to be here.”
“Oh.”
The distance between us can’t be more than a few feet, but the awkwardness makes it feel so much further. Both of us seem unsure of what to say or do next. He pities me, so he’ll offer to drive me home. And he’ll probably hold my hand, and say more confusing things to me.
“Well, I should start back,” I say, turning in the direction of my house.
“Can we talk?”
I ignore his question and keep walking in the other direction. “You already said all I need to hear, Parker.”
Of course, it would be too easy for him to leave it at that, and he grabs my arm to spin me around. “You didn’t let me finish the other night. You just jumped to conclusions and ran off with your panties in a bunch. If you had stayed and listened to what I said, you’d know.”
“I’m just tired of it, Parker. The back and forth with you. I’ve never known where I stand, and right now I don’t need any more confusion in my life.”
“So let me clear it up for you,” he begs.
I scoff. “Don’t do me any favors.”
“You’re incorrigible,” he bites. I cross my arms, and impatiently tap my foot. “We’ve got a lot to talk about, Katie. You sure you want to do it right now? Right here?”
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the past few months of my life it’s that there is no better time than the present. I don’t have time anymore, Parker. I played that game, with you, through my childhood. I waited for you, for years.”
“Only to run off and get pregnant and marry the first guy you met!” His anger is apparent, but he calms himself quickly. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
Hot tears pool in my eyes and my blood boils. “I didn’t run off, asshole. I left because you pushed me away!”
For a second he’s silent, running his hand through his hair and pressing his lips together in a hard line. “That day at the lake was a mistake, Katie. I went up there with all intentions of telling you I was ready to be together—that I was going to tell Tommy. But then I heard that you were considering not going to college in Manchester, and I knew it was because of me. I couldn’t be responsible for that.”
“You told me you didn’t want to be with me. That we had just been having fun, and that what we had been doing was just a mistake!”
I hate that I’m crying. But I can’t help it.
Parker grabs my hands and looks into my eyes. No, not my eyes—deep into my soul, like he always did. “When I told you that, I was doing it for you. So that you could have a better life. You deserved more than I could give you.”
Despite the river of tears, I manage to laugh. He couldn’t have been more wrong. “That wasn’t your choice to make, Parker! Does this look like a better life than you imagined for me?” I rip my hands free of his, and glare at him. “I’m still stuck here, but now… well, now to top it all off I’m a damaged, childless widow!”
I slowly start backing away from him, ready to flee.
“Katie,” he pleads.
It’s too much for me to handle. I can’t talk about the past anym
ore. “No. Please, just leave me alone, Parker.” The words fall on deaf ears because he’s still taking tentative steps toward me. “I’m begging you, Parker.” I put my hands up for him to stop. “I can’t.”
That’s the ticket. He stops in his tracks, watching me helplessly as I turn on my heel and start running back home.
I get to the bottom of our driveway before I collapse to my knees. The run, and the weight of all that has happened, cause my legs to give out. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted, but the physical exhaustion actually outweighs everything else on my mind. Unable to move, I sit and look at the sky, when I feel someone touch my shoulder. I spin around defensively, expecting Parker to be standing there. But he’s not.
“Tommy?” I ask, still catching my breath. I think I just ran about six miles in total, and that’s a lot given I’m hellishly out of shape.
“I saw you fall,” he says. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine,” I breathe. “Just tired.”
He sits on the ground next to me, picking a piece of straw and placing it in his mouth. “Good. I’m glad.”
Moving still isn’t an option, but I manage to shuffle so that I’m sitting next to him, gazing out at the empty fields in front of us. After a few peaceful minutes, Tommy sighs. “You and I need to talk, Katie.”
I look over at him. “That’s all anyone wants to do these days. What’s wrong with a little bit of silence?”
“Weren’t you silent long enough?” he questions.
“Touché, brother. Touché.”
“So about all this Parker bullshit… you gonna fill me in?” he asks.
“There’s not much to fill you in on,” I lie, dropping my head to his shoulder.
“What is it with you two? He said the same thing, and to be honest you guys are getting on my last fuckin’ nerve. I’m not dumb. You guys thought you were being sneaky back then, but I could tell anytime we were all together that something was going on. It’s bullshit that you’re still pretending nothing ever happened.”
