Kismet
Page 15
His eyes fall onto the paper and I watch as he slowly reads through the message from my late husband. Once he finishes he looks down at me with adoration in his eyes. “Seems like a great guy.”
“He was.”
“Smart too,” Parker adds.
I look at him and he leans down to kiss my nose.
“Because even though you didn’t, he always knew you were mine.”
I’ve barely made it down the stairs when I hear Stevenson pull up outside and I groan, wondering when he’ll stop coming. I feel like I’m ready to be discharged from his services, but he doesn’t think I’m where I should be yet. I don’t know what else he expects from me.
I’m pouring my cup of coffee when he lets himself in. “Morning, Katie,” he says, grabbing a cup from the cabinet. I turn and fill it up.
“Thanks.” He takes a swig and immediately heads into the living room. I follow him and flop down onto the couch.
“You on a mission today?” I ask. He usually chats for a few minutes while we drink our coffee before we head into our session.
He sighs and sets his cup down on the end table. “The time has come, Katie.”
My heart leaps a bit in my chest. Reading between the lines, I immediately do a silent celebration. “You’re discharging me?”
He shakes his head. “No. It’s time to talk about that day.”
“What day?”
I’m playing dumb. I know what he’s doing. It makes me uncomfortable and I fold my arms protectively across my chest.
“Tell me about the accident, Katie,” he orders.
“Fuck you,” I bite out, startling myself with the harshness in my voice.
Stevenson sighs and shifts in his chair. “Despite what you think, you’re ready.”
“I don’t remember anything,” I lie. Truth is, I can’t forget. How can I when it haunts my dreams almost nightly? Almost nightly because although I still have the memories that creep in with the darkness, somehow the nightmares don’t creep in when Parker and I spend the whole night together. It’s why I’ve been begging him to stay with me once the sun goes down, and why I fall asleep in his arms most nights.
“You and I both know that’s not true, Katie. The sooner you and I talk about that day, and what happened, the sooner that you can start healing.”
I give him nothing but silence.
“Don’t you want the dreams and nightmares to stop?” he finally asks.
Unwilling to answer his question, I ask my own. “How does anyone heal after something like this?”
“Time. Love. Communication. Honesty. It’s a recipe for so many things in life, and I think that you’re slowly getting there—especially with Parker back in your life. But this is the key to it all, Katie. This is where you learn to embrace your past, your choices, and your scars. This is how you start living again.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. What he’s saying is right. In order to heal my heart I need to be able to talk about things with other people, not just myself. Even though it’s been months since the accident, just the thought of describing to him how they died has my throat dry. For a few moments I’m unable to do anything, and that includes breathe. The panic must be shining clear on my face but Stevenson remains seated. It is as if he knows that I won’t be able to get through it if he shows me any sort of kindness.
I opened my mouth to begin and the room around me disappears. I shiver. The sound of blood rushing through my ears is all I can hear… until the words finally come. “Michael, Zoe and I decided to go pick up a few things at the store. Michael and a few friends were throwing me a baby shower the next day. It was last minute thing and I should have scolded him for not wearing his seat belt, but I didn’t. I should have told him to quit looking at her in the mirror, but it was endearing, so I didn’t. I was too busy looking at him, trying to force myself to feel it!”
“Feel what?”
“It. That magnetic feeling. The feeling that I had with Parker. I wanted to need Michael like that, I was trying to make myself…”
I’m not recounting a memory anymore—I’m living it. Re-enacting events scene by agonizing scene “And then all the sudden he was yelling, a panic looked painted on his face. Everything went black… I—I think I got knocked out. I’m not sure how long for, but it was awhile because when I woke up there were already people there trying to help.”
A strangled sound escapes my mouth when I remember what I saw when opened my eyes.
I feel sick. I look at Stevenson through glassy eyes. “I can’t do this.”
“Yes, you can,” I hear from behind me.
I turn to see Parker, walking towards me. He sits next to me and grabs my hand and kisses it. Despite the pain, my heart swells. He gives me strength.
“There were so many people. I could hear Zoe screaming, calling for me, but I couldn’t move. They were holding my head still. They kept telling me the best way I could help was to let the paramedics do their job. Then I felt the cramps, so I looked down. Blood… God, there was so much blood. I started crying and calling out to Michael, telling him I was bleeding… but he didn’t answer. I called to him again. Nothing. I tried to look at him, but they wouldn’t let me. Somehow I managed to peak out the corner of my eye.” I pause as the words get caught in my throat. My emotions are running me, and I’m slowly breaking down. Parker pulls me close and rubs small circles on my back. “He was already covered with a white sheet. That’s when I started screaming. I felt so guilty—thinking I killed him, trying to make myself feel something with my own husband. I loved him, I did. But he was never my first choice, he never would be. I wasn’t fair to him and he died.”
“It wasn’t because of you, Katie.”
The enormity of the situation overtakes me and it takes a few minutes to control my sobs. Parker continues to reassure me, stroking my back while Stevenson keeps repeating that it wasn’t my fault.
“I think I’m starting to believe that,” I finally manage.
“Tell me what happened next.”
“I eventually stopped screaming—shock probably—but Zoe continued to cry and I kept asking them to tell me what was wrong with her, but they wouldn’t. I never dreamed that it was bad. Then, suddenly she fell silent and I knew. She was gone. My sweet Zoe. My angel. My saving grace. Stripped from my life, because of me. Because I had been selfish, but mostly because of the choices I made.” I swallow the bile rising in my throat. The time has come for me to come clean.
“Zoe didn’t die because you forced yourself to marry Michael, Katie.”
The time had come. It would never be the right time, but I needed to say the words. “It wasn’t that.” The sobs come harder and I choke because I know I’m about to ruin everything.
Time, check.
Love, check.
Communication, check.
“Zoe, wasn’t Michael’s daughter,” I whisper. I turn to face Parker because in this moment it’s not about me and Stevenson. It’s about him.
Raising my eyes, I look deep into his as I finally admit, “Parker, that day at the lake… I was coming to tell you I was pregnant.”
Honesty, check.
The blood drains from his face and his mouth is wide in shock. Before anyone else has a chance to speak, I continue.
“You didn’t want me, Parker…” I sob. “You forced me to leave, to go to Manchester. So when I got there, I set my sights on Michael and slept with him that same night. I told him I was pregnant a few weeks later and he never thought twice about it. He married me and even though Zoe didn’t look like him, or me, he never said anything. He was a good man, she was innocent, and they were taken because of me! They deserved better than to live a life with a liar like me.”
Parker snatches his hand from mine. The cold air nips at the skin between my fingers and I gasp for air, missing his touch. “I had a right to know,” he whispers.
I look down to my lap. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” He shoot
s up and looks down at me, his face full of hurt and rage. “What. The. Fuck, Katie?”
I flinch at the anger in his voice, knowing I deserve everything.
“Now calm down, Parker,” Stevenson pleads.
“Calm down? Calm down?! You’ve got to be kidding me! I have a daughter. No, I had a daughter. One that I’ll never get to know because Katie was too scared to take a chance.”
“I wanted you to want to be with me, Parker. I wasn’t going to force you to choose me just because I was pregnant.”
A bitter laugh escapes his mouth and he rolls his eyes. “All I wanted was for you to live your dreams, Katie. I was an idiot, but I never thought you’d leave and never come back. We both had a lot of growing up to do, and that’s all I wanted to happen.”
“You broke my heart.”
“So what, now you can break mine? Is that how it is? We’re not in kindergarten arguing over a toy in the sandbox, Katie. She was a child. She was my child.”
Knowing what I’ve done, what I took from him, is unbearable. I take a few steps toward him and grasp at his wrist, but the moment my skin touches his he flinches, pulling his arm away as if my touch physically pains him. “Parker, please—”
“Don’t, Katie. Just… don’t.” His expression turns panicked and his eyes scan the room. “I can’t be here,” he whispers, but I don’t think his words are for me. “I have to go.”
“Parker, please stay. We have to talk about this. I have to explain—”
“You don’t have to explain shit, Katie. I wasn’t worth it then, so don’t bother now.” He pauses scanning my face for something but his eyes won’t meet mine. “Jesus, I can’t even look at you.”
He stumbles from the room, drunk with grief. I squeeze my eyes shut, praying that when I open them it’ll all have been a dream and that he’ll still be by my side telling me it’s going to be okay.
But the sound of the screen door slamming lets me know that this is real. Parker is gone, and I’m alone.
Again.
A guttural wail escapes my lips and I throw my head into my hands, letting the sobs take over. I knew this would happen. It was foolish to think that I could be happy again, that I deserved a second chance at life. I was getting exactly what I deserved.
An arm wraps around my shoulder as someone joins me on the couch. Through my swollen eyes I see Stevenson gazing down at me. His lips are pressed into a hard line, his eyes full of concern. He’d gotten more than he bargained for today.
“I know what you’re thinking, Katie, but you don’t deserve this, so quit feeling like you do. You made mistakes, we all do. We’re human. We’ll get you through this. I promise.”
After living off Chef Boyardee for a week my heart hurts far worse than I thought it would. Seven days of depressed isolation and I still don’t know what to feel. At first, I’m pissed as all hell, then creeps in the devastation, complete with a touch of loneliness. It’s confusing beyond belief. I can’t seem to make head nor tail of it all.
I miss Katie.
Having gotten used to having her around again, I’ve been spoiled, but my anger clouds my ability to think straight. What she did, the decision she made… it wasn’t hers to make. And the hurt. I can’t even begin to describe what it feels like. The loss of someone so special, someone I didn’t even know I had, is just more than I can bear.
The apartment looks like shit. The sink is full of dishes and open, half-eaten cans of ravioli and spaghetti-o’s cover the counter. The clothes I’m wearing are the same ones I wore a few days ago. I’m tired of feeling bad for myself. Sitting here is doing nothing but making me feel worse so I decide to get up and clean a bit.
It takes me a few hours to get the place presentable, well according to my standards at least—I never have been much of a cleaner. Once I’m satisfied with the place, I decide it’s time to clean myself, and it’s there in the shower that the itch strikes me. The one I haven’t scratched since I laid eyes on Katie again. I’ve been using her presence to intoxicate me as of late, but without her by my side I’m scared of what the night might bring.
My skin crawls as another craving strikes. Wearing nothing but my towel wrapped around my waist, I nervously pace the apartment.
I know what I should do. I should call him and tell him what I’m feeling. He’ll be able to talk me through it, keep me from making a terrible mistake. But I just don’t care. I want to numb it all, to escape her again, like I had for the last seven years.
I end up in the bathroom, my hands propping myself up from the sink, and I stare into the mirror. I focus on breathing, trying to stay in the present. Trouble is, now my present and my past are equally painful. I have no escape, nowhere to seek solace. My heart pounds as a bead of sweat forms on my upper lip. I’m slowly losing my cool… all over again.
This isn’t unfamiliar territory by any means. When Katie left for college, she took a piece of my heart with her, no doubt about that. I was prepared for her to go off and make something of herself, waiting for the day that she’d come back. I knew once that happened that I’d be ready to be with her. Everything I ever did was for her—looking out for her best interests, wanting what was best for her. What I hadn’t expected was for her to go and move on so quickly. I had no idea what she was doing of course, but it was then that I truly self-destructed.
An endless string of female visitors. The booze. The occasional joint. The list of indiscretions was never-ending, and the reputation that preceded me was far from honorable, but it had always been about her. Well, about trying to forget her. Even those closest to me, Tommy in particular, didn’t truly understand me and my self-destructive ways. Knowing that alcoholism ran in my family, Tommy tried getting me help on multiple occasions, but I could never seem to find the motivation to give up the bottle. That was, until Katie came back.
But now this. This is more than I can handle, and my skin crawls, my body craving a taste. Giving in will be like opening Pandora’s box, but I can’t cope with this information.
I have a daughter.
Correction—I had a daughter.
A little person who was part me, and part the girl I love. A daughter I never had the chance to know.
Anger swells within me and I grab the electric razor perched on my sink, and without thinking, throw it at my face in the mirror. The sound startles me, and I flinch as my reflection shatters away into pieces. I hate Katie for what she did, but even worse I hate myself for what I didn’t do. I let her go. I thought I was being the bigger person in letting her do what was best for her. I should have fought harder, told her back then that she was all I ever thought about. But I didn’t, and this is what I get for being so weak.
I was a coward, I still am. Because even now I know, I’m making the same mistakes again. I should be more forgiving but I’m not. I should go to her, and try to work this out. But a part of me can’t stop thinking that I didn’t deserve this.
Suddenly, my resolve to remain strong breaks. It takes me no time to throw on some clothes before I grab my keys and run down the stairs. I know what I’m about to do is wrong and stupid, but I don’t know what else to do. All that I am is lost in sorrow. Sorrow that I need to forget, pain that I need to numb. Aguish overtakes every cell in my body and I have to escape.
The best way I know how.
I stare at the two remaining letters. The ones from Michael that I just haven’t found the courage to open. With Parker avoiding me like the plague, I feel myself slipping away again. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard anything from him. I knew things were too good to be true. I don’t blame Parker for his reaction—he has every right to be upset with me. I just worry about where I’m going to go from here. Stevenson increased the sessions after my bombshell. Says he’s concerned about my recovery, and he has every right to be.
I finger the familiar lettering scrolled on the envelope of the letter intended for Zoe. I have conflicted emotions about reading it. After all, it wasn’t meant for me to read to myself,
it was meant for me to read to her to keep his memory alive. The envelope turns over and over so many times that I’m sure it’s going to disintegrate in my hands. Eventually, my curiosity gets the better of me and I rip the top of the envelope in one fell swoop. With shaking fingers, I take the lined paper out and unfold it, taking a deep breath as my eyes fall to the handwritten page.
My dearest Zoe,
I never thought I could love another woman like I loved your Mom. Until you came along. From the day you were born, you were the light of my life. The single best thing to ever happen to me—and your Mom. She deserved so much happiness, but there just always seemed to be something missing.
And then came you.
Having you in our lives was magical. We loved you. We kissed you, we made sure you were happy and safe before we tucked you in at night. We watched you grow up and turn into a beautiful young girl. And I couldn’t be more proud than to call myself your Dad. Your mom is going to need you, Zoe. She’s going to need you to keep her fire burning.
So keep making her smile, Zoe. She deserves it.
Love you to the moon and back.
Always.
Daddy
My tears fall onto the paper, streaking the ink. I hopelessly wipe the streaks before setting the paper on my nightstand.
“And I couldn’t be more proud than to call myself your dad.”
I piece things together, and deep down I know.
He’d known it all along.
All along, Michael knew everything. Yet he still loved me, in spite of my demons. My heart ached knowing the turmoil I had put him through. Every day he looked out for me and my best interests. Hell, he even did so in the wake of his death. Michael was selfless. He loved me more than I loved myself. His love for me, even after his death, makes me miss him even more.
Emotionally exhausted, I flop backwards onto my bed. There are no words to describe the plethora of emotions that bombard me. I don’t know what I want, who I am, or how I’m going to move on. But I do know that I need to continue on, despite the bad choices and bad shit going on in my life.