The Clock Strikes Nun

by Alice Loweecey

  Frank’s neck muscles bulged. “Don’t deflect me. I didn’t sign up to become an eligible widower.”

  Giulia said in all seriousness. “And I have no plans to make you one. You tell me all the time you have confidence in me. Are those merely empty words to shut the wife up because you want to watch ESPN in peace?”

  His teeth clenched with an audible crunch. “No.”

  She crossed her arms. “Then I will continue to work this case as I think best.” He opened his mouth but she continued, “If I need you for action or extra backup, I promise to call. As long as your action doesn’t involve shooting or arresting someone in my case. Well, not without cause.”

  Frank’s short ginger hair threw off sparks. Giulia waited and watched his face as the cop fought the husband.

  “I’m not happy,” he said at last.

  “I understand.”

  “Why didn’t I marry a woman whose only hobbies were knitting and housecleaning?”

  “Because you couldn’t resist my sauce.” She returned to the kitchen. “I’ll bring plates and a lot of napkins.”

  Thirty-Eight

  At nine the next morning Giulia said to Frank, “You know, dear, church would be an excellent use of your Sunday after yesterday’s blasphemy session.”

  Frank protested. “How can you be sure I blasphemed if you couldn’t understand all the Irish I used?”

  Giulia didn’t dignify his sophistry with a response.

  Frank went to church.

  Her phone rang as they drove home.

  “Ms. Driscoll? This is Cissy Newton. Do you have a few minutes to meet today? I realize it’s Sunday.”

  Giulia covered the mouthpiece. “Client wants to meet. Okay if I use the kitchen instead of going into the office?”

  Frank shrugged. “I can manage it.”

  Giulia said into the phone. “Can you be at my house in—” she checked their location “—any time after eleven thirty?”

  A brief hesitation on the other end. “I’m calling from your front porch.”

  Giulia facepalmed. “I see. We’ll be there in seven minutes.” She ended the call. “My client is stalking me. She’s at our house now.”

  “Good God.” He turned left. “Please take note of the lack of blasphemy in my remark.”

  “This pleases me.”

  “What’s up with this woman? She thinks you’re not earning your fee if you take a day off?”

  “She’s protecting her cub.” Giulia cast a longing look as they passed a Starbucks. “Now I won’t have time to make coffee.”

  With glee in his voice Frank said, “Offer it up?”

  Giulia hit the back of her head against the headrest. “I’ve created a monster.”

  “I love it when you feed me a straight line. Oh, look. We have a squatter on our top step.”

  Cissy Newton rose when Frank hit the remote and the garage door opened. Today she wore khakis and a pink shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. Her sneakers matched her shirt. Giulia wondered if the woman secretly longed for Sex and the City shoes and was forced to settle for the complete line of Keds.

  Giulia opened the front door from the inside. “Good morning. Please come inside. May I offer you coffee or tea?”

  “No. This isn’t a social visit.” She preceded Giulia into the kitchen.

  The smile Giulia aimed at her back did not qualify as “polite.” She refrained from showing any of her irritation at Newton: 1) taking over Giulia’s own house, and 2) choosing to forget about the iced tea Giulia served in the kitchen at their first meeting. The convent wasn’t far enough in Giulia’s past to make her forget how much she hated people taking power out of her hands.

  Secretarial Pool Woman to the rescue! Giulia dragged her superpower out of hibernation. When Cissy sat at Giulia’s kitchen table, Secretarial Pool Woman sat opposite her with a bland smile on her face.

  Cissy said, “Elaine and Melina assure me the demon has left the house.”

  Giulia did not think “Elvis has left the building.” Not at all.

  “However, we are still hearing noises.”

  Giulia reached over to the refrigerator and removed the memo pad and its attached pen, leprechaun magnet and all. “Please be specific. What types of noises? At what time do the noises occur? In which areas of the house?”

  Cissy recited like a student at an oral exam. “Two days ago, knocking on the cellar walls. Also two days ago, whistling in the hall opposite the library. One day ago, more knocking, this time in the sewing room. Also one day ago, all my chameleon cages were out of place. Food, water, bedding, and scat were strewn all over the floor. Also one day ago, both Melina and Georgia found the linen closets on the first and second floors in complete disarray.” She paused for breath or emphasis. “This morning Mike woke me up much too early for Sunday breakfast and made me come down to the kitchen. We both heard the patter of footsteps. Elaine surprised us as we were listening. She hasn’t been sleeping and came to make herself some tea.” Anger flashed across her plump face, obscuring the freckles. “I do everything I can to keep Elaine free from unnecessary worry, and she chooses that particular moment to want tea. We had to tell her everything. She made me wake up Melina and Georgia to tell her what they’d heard and seen. Melina took charge of the telling. It was she who convinced Elaine the demon hadn’t returned and these sounds were from something else.”

  Giulia watched her hope of one peaceful day this week flutter out the kitchen window. Emily Dickinson was right: hope was the thing with feathers and it knew how to use them.

  Cissy went on, “Elaine sent me here with a request. She would like a Ouija Board session with you today. Muriel and I agree, although Melina insists Ouija Boards open the sitters to demonic possession.” For the first time, Cissy’s efficiency cracked. “You’ve realized by now that I was Elaine’s guardian before Pip came into her life.”

  Secretarial Pool Woman also had a talent for stating the obvious. “I understood Caroline and Thomas Emerson were appointed Elaine’s guardians after her parents died?” The hint of a question at the end encouraged the listener to explain to poor little Secretarial Pool Woman.

  Cissy obliged. “I’m not referring to the legal documents which installed Elaine’s aunt and uncle in the house.” Censure hardened her voice. “Elaine’s parents were both neglectful and strict. They focused on keeping Dahlia profitable. I would haunt the castle after my death to protect Elaine if I believed in ghosts, which I don’t. Maybe.” The hard shell fell away. “About the Ouija Board. Elaine owns one, but if you prefer to use your own, we’ll defer to you.”

  Giulia sent Secretarial Pool Woman on vacation.

  “Driscoll Investigations does not use Ouija Boards.” She didn’t apologize. Weakness and deference were the vacationing alter-ego’s territory.

  For an instant, Giulia thought Cissy was going to lecture her on proper employee deportment. Instead, in a drastic shift of gears, she resettled herself in her chair. “If you’re immovable on this, I’ll try to convince Elaine. But for Muriel’s and my benefit, I have to ask: what are we paying you for?”

  Such an offensive remark didn’t deserve even the minimum of polite smiles.

  “Ms. Newton, the contract we both signed specifies Driscoll Investigations will use its experience, skill, and judgment to the best of its abilities. If these terms are no longer acceptable for the resolution of your case, perhaps we aren’t the agency you need.”

  “No.” She gripped the table edge. “You must help Elaine. I apologize for my last remark. It doesn’t matter what I think. Elaine wants you. Elaine believes in you. Why won’t you do as she asks?”

  What popped into Giulia’s head: because adults don’t alter their convictions merely because someone waves money at them. What came out of Giulia’s mouth: “We are conversant with several methods of contacting spirits
. We focus on efficient eradication.”

  “That’s what I’m asking.” She stood and paced to the window.

  “I heard you ask for a Ouija Board session.”

  Cissy turned from contemplating Giulia’s garden. “What’s the difference?”

  “Ms. Newton, some Ouija lore insists the board is only a game for teenage slumber parties.”

  Cissy picked up Giulia’s collection of kitschy salt and pepper shakers one at a time. “As do I.”

  “Then you’re here to humor Elaine.”

  “No.” She set down a Minnie Mouse and picked up Mickey. “Well, yes.”

  “Ms. Newton, you’re due a report from us. It’s not at final draft yet, but this is what we’ve learned.”

  As Giulia spoke, Cissy examined every salt and pepper shaker on the windowsill.

  “Mr. Pedersen has a gambling problem and divorce-related debt, but his driving force is power. Konani Hyde has expensive tastes, including her children’s private school.”

  Cissy moved on to the salt and pepper pairs along the top of the stove.

  “The Emersons are pining for the life they lived as Elaine’s guardians. We’re completing our research on them, but preliminary findings indicate heavy gambling debts.”

  Cissy rubbed a thumb over the face of a salt angel.

  “It’s our opinion neither of Elaine’s former tutors is interested in Dahlia.”

  The angel took its place next to the pepper devil. “Then the Board is trying to take it all away from her.”

  Giulia, eighty-seven percent a non-violent person, debated whether she could heave the vase of toad lilies on the table far enough to hit Cissy in her stubborn head.

  “It was our understanding such a situation existed when you hired us.”

  Cissy picked up the devil. “I was almost certain, but I needed outside help. When Elaine came to you, she gave me an opening. She thinks Muriel and I hired you as her personal ghost busters. We don’t want to worry her about the snakes in her company.” Her thumbs rubbed the devil’s face and wings. “The ghosts are making her nervous, but we can handle her while you stop whichever one of the three is trying to steal her company.”

  Her hands turned the pepper shaker over. She looked down at it as though seeing it for the first time, brought up one hand to push her hair away from her face, and inhaled the spilled pepper.

  She sneezed for fifteen seconds by the kitchen clock. Giulia guided her to her chair and handed her napkin after napkin. It took Cissy another minute to blow her nose and wipe her eyes. When she blinked them clear, she bent to the floor and brought up the pepper devil.

  “He isn’t even chipped.”

  She sneezed again. The ceramic figurine rolled out of her hand. Giulia caught it before it smashed onto the glass table.

  “This set was a Christmas gift. He’s cute, isn’t he?” She turned him from side to side. “You’d never think this devil would do anything more evil than sneak pepper into your dessert.”

  Cissy smiled. Giulia didn’t.

  “Because I’m refusing a client’s request, here is the explanation. In my professional opinion, Ouija Boards are dangerous. We will not use them in our investigations. However, if a Tarot reading is an acceptable substitute—”

  “Yes! Oh, definitely yes.” Cissy’s phone was in her hand before the last syllable left her mouth. “Elaine has been fascinated by the Tarot since she was a little girl. Elaine, it’s Cissy.” She spun Giulia’s ultimatum into the promise of fulfillment of Elaine’s fondest desire. She put her hand over the phone. “Is three o’clock all right?”

  Giulia thought fast. “Closer to midnight would be preferable. Reading the cards is more propitious at night.”

  Cissy conveyed Giulia’s message. Giulia heard Elaine’s excited voice even through the phone pressed to Cissy’s ear.

  “Elaine chooses eleven thirty,” Cissy said after hanging up. “I know I said I didn’t believe in ghosts, but I’ll admit only to you I’m worried. One of the ways I’ve always looked after Elaine is to read whatever she reads, in case she has questions or is troubled by a story.”

  Giulia refrained from pointing out Elaine’s current age was twenty-four, not seven.

  “Ever since Pip and the staff first pointed out the noises, Elaine’s been reading ghost stories and true-life hauntings.” She sniffed and blinked, but didn’t sneeze. “What if it’s not the house, but Elaine who’s haunted?”

  An underused movie plot device. Giulia would know, since her limited movie time wasn’t exclusively spent on Godzilla. She’d have to ask Rowan about someone becoming convinced they were personally haunted. There couldn’t be that much difference between a ghost and a demon riding your back. She’d evicted the fireplace demon, after all. Assuming a demonic presence had actually inhabited the fireplace.

  “The library fireplace hasn’t been anything but a fireplace since your ceremony,” Cissy said. “Elaine says you should be on Angie’s List.”

  Giulia stood. “Then please let her know I’ll be at the house at the agreed time.”

  Cissy’s effusive thanks lasted all the way to the front porch, when she stopped. Giulia backpedaled to avoid stepping on her heels.

  “How could I forget poor Scarlett?” Cissy picked up a huge openwork cage with a miniature dinosaur inside. “Scarlett is a veiled chameleon and she loves garden bugs. Place her in her cage right in the center of your garden and you’ll never have to resort to commercial pesticides again.”

  The lizard’s protruding eyes swiveled independently. One stared at Cissy, the other at Giulia.

  “Make sure to mist the foliage in her cage when you water the garden, and she can stay outside until the temperature drops to about fifty degrees.” She held the cage out until Giulia took it. “Here’s a booklet I wrote about care and feeding and everything you need to know.” She set a folded five by eight booklet on top of the cage. “She should be hungry. Don’t keep her inside too long.”

  Giulia wrestled the three-foot wire cube inside and leaned her back against the door, wondering if Father Carlos would finally lose his temper if she worked a protection spell on the house.

  “Frank?”

  “Up here, hiding from the home invader.”

  Giulia ran upstairs to their bedroom. “She’s gone, but I’m going out at eleven, and there’s a Ray Harryhausen special effect in—”

  Frank caught her as she entered the room and stopped her sentence with a kiss.

  “Is nothing sacred anymore? It’s Sunday.”

  She murmured in his ear, “A long time ago, a charming PI warned me this wasn’t a nine-to-five job.”

  He kissed her again. “I was single and trying to prove I could be as successful as my brothers.”

  Giulia walked her husband toward their bed. “The only thing you have to prove is how well you behave as my practice Tarot reading subject.”

  “After lunch.” He unbuttoned the top of her dress.

  “Lunch may be late.” She reached for his zipper.

  “The service in this establishment has gone downhill.” He pulled her down onto the bed.

  “I’ll speak to the management.”

  Introducing him to their new pet could wait.

  Thirty-Nine

  Giulia straightened her dangliest earrings, the onyx ones Mingmei had given her as a wedding gift. They glittered in the car’s overhead light. She brushed the velvet cuffs on the black silk sleeves of her blouse. The outfit combined Giulia the exorcist on top and Giulia the business owner in plain black slacks on the bottom. The only downside: convent flashbacks. Even after five years, wearing head-to-toe black gave her twitches. She was still surprised how well she’d handled the exorcist garb. Opening night jitters had taken the twitches’ place, perhaps.

  Well, opening night had been a success. Now to prove she wasn’t a one-hi
t wonder.

  She muted her phone in case Frank sent another Snapchat picture of the chameleon in a frying pan. Or on the grill. Or with its curled tail sticking out from between two slices of bread.

  The warm, clear July night was not meant for long sleeves or long pants. At least the few steps from the Clown Car’s air conditioning to the castle’s air conditioning didn’t give her time to work up a sweat.

  The door opened before she touched the bell.

  “Come in,” Cissy said. “I didn’t want the chimes to wake Elaine.”

  Giulia stepped into lovely cool air. “Elaine agreed to eleven thirty. Has there been a change?”

  “No, of course not. Elaine’s been under a great deal of stress. She’s taking a nap. I’ll ask Pip to wake her.”

  A blood-curdling shriek from upstairs punctuated Cissy’s last sentence. Giulia and Cissy were already running up the stairs when the second shriek came. A detached piece of Giulia’s mind scratched one item off her horror fan’s bucket list: “blood-curdling screams” happened in real life as well as the movies.

  Pip met them at Elaine’s door. Cissy reached for the doorknob, but Pip’s hand got there first. The shrieks hit them with physical force when he opened the door.

  Giulia would have bet Elaine’s bedroom had been a shrine to Disney princesses right up until her wedding. The bed’s current spread was covered with pastel wildflowers. Similar flowers dotted the tulle canopy. The lavender rug obscured all but the edges of the hardwood floor. Groupings of small, delicate watercolors hung on walls papered with textured ivory stripes.

  Privately, Giulia loved the femininity of the room even with Elaine’s dreadful screams distorting her perception.

  Pip was already on the bed, holding his wife. At his touch, the piercing cries began to abate.

  Static electricity frizzed Elaine’s blonde hair. She stared through Giulia and Cissy, seeing something only her eyes could perceive. Earbuds dangled from both ears. The wrinkled Ouija board t-shirt she wore was the only jarring note in the ultra-feminine room.