I didn’t know what to do, so I popped open my Coke and took a sip, my eyes on the sidewalk, on the cracks that spread out like spidery fingers. The square I looked at was fractured. It was broken and in bad need of repair. Kind of like me.
Kind of like Trevor.
“Nate,” she said softly. “Look at me.”
I can’t.
But I did.
“I’ve been calling your cell all morning.”
What?
That bad feeling was back in a big way, and for a minute, I thought I was going to puke.
“Mrs. Lewis,” I said weakly.
“It’s Brenda,” she answered gently. “It’s always been Brenda.”
I nodded and blew out a long, shuddering breath. I was so afraid to speak. To ask the question that hovered on the tip of my tongue.
“I forgot my cell at home,” I said instead.
She nodded and wrapped her arms around herself, shivering as if she was cold. It was hot as hell, nearly 100 degrees, and yet I was the same. I felt like I’d been dipped into a bucket of ice.
“Your uncle told me you were in the store. I ran into him at the bank.”
My heart spiked, pounding so fast and furious that, for a second, I was dizzy. I felt as if I’d just played the toughest football game of my life. As if I’d run every single play myself. Given everything that I had and it wasn’t enough.
It would never be enough.
That bad feeling I’d had for weeks was back, worming its way through skin and bone and crushing a part of me that I didn’t think would ever recover.
“I don’t blame you, Nathan…for the accident. I know you would never do anything to hurt Trevor or anyone on purpose. You’re a good boy. I want you to know that.” Her voice was rough, but strong. “I know that Mike is being hard on you…he just…Trevor was his world, you know? And it’s just so hard, and I…” A tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away, but another soon followed.
I didn’t think I could feel any worse or sink any lower. But I guess I was wrong.
“I just wanted you to know that I don’t blame you. I was a teenager once, and none of us were squeaky clean, especially Mike.” She sighed. “I’ve done things that were stupid and thoughtless and dangerous.” She shrugged. “All of us have.”
“I don’t…” I began and had to stop. “I don’t know what to say, Brenda. I’m sorry doesn’t cut it. It doesn’t seem to be big enough.”
“I know,” she said softly.
For a few seconds, there was only silence between us, and I could see the expression on her face changing, as if she was gearing up to do something she really didn’t want to do.
My teeth clenched, so tight that pain radiated along my jaw, but I didn’t care. In that moment, all I saw was the fear and pain in Brenda Lewis’s eyes. Fear and pain that I had put there, and no matter what she said, it didn’t make me feel better.
Her fear filled me up, seeping into every nook and cranny, and for a second, I saw Monroe’s face, and I wondered where she was. What was she doing at this exact moment?
Because if ever there was a moment that was going to crack my world wide open, this was it. I knew that my life was about to change again. I was coming down from the clouds and starting a free fall that would take me down hard.
No longer was I a king, flying high with Monroe. Nope, I was nothing but the pathetic excuse of a friend who had put Trevor in the hospital. I was nothing more than the sum of that night.
I saw all of that reflected in her eyes.
“Trevor took a turn for the worse overnight.”
I shook my head. “No,” I said hoarsely. “Oh God.”
“Some sort of infection in his blood. His organs are shutting down. He’s gone septic. There are some other issues, but…”
“Jesus.” I stumbled a bit and she grabbed my elbow, steadying me against the stone bench.
“Mike and Taylor are with him now, but I know how much you love Trevor, and I think that you should come to the hospital tonight. I think that Trevor would want you there.”
I stared at her in shock as she gently shook my arm and then cupped my chin. There was nowhere to look but into her eyes.
“Do you understand what I’m telling you, Nathan?”
I nodded and said the hardest words I’d ever said in my life. “You want me to come and say good-bye. Say good-bye to Trevor.”
Brenda Lewis let go of me and took a step back. She looked like a wounded animal. One who’d had its heart ripped out, and I guess I was responsible for that too. I felt the burden sitting on my shoulders, and God, I was so damn tired.
“Yes,” she answered simply. “You might not get the chance again.” Her voice caught and then she turned away.
I watched her shuffle down the sidewalk until she disappeared at the next block. When my uncle found me, I didn’t have to say anything. I could tell he already knew.
I handed him his Coke and left him there.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Monroe
Gram found me on the porch, curled up on the settee, waiting for Nathan. He and his uncle hadn’t come back after they’d gone into town for supplies earlier, but he usually showed up around now.
I was anxious to see him, which was crazy. I’d seen him at noon when I’d taken him a cold drink, but seriously, it felt like days since his smile turned my insides to mush. Days since he had kissed me until my head spun.
And now…now I sat and waited for a guy who had turned my world upside down. A guy who had finally fixed some of the broken pieces inside me. A guy I was going to say good-bye to soon.
With a sigh, I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and pushed those thoughts away. I didn’t want to think about the end of something so good. Not yet anyway.
It was dusk, that sweet spot just before evening fell, and the crickets chirped away, happy to play in the shadows now that the sun was gone.
I wore Nate’s The Cramps T-shirt because I liked it and it smelled like him, which is what Gram caught me doing when she walked out onto the porch. Like a nerd, my nose was buried in the hem of his shirt and I let it fall, hoping she wouldn’t notice the heat in my cheeks.
Gram walked over but stopped a few inches away, and as soon as I looked up, I knew something was wrong. Her eyes were sad, her mouth soft, and she had her hands clasped in front of her as if she didn’t know what to do with them.
“Have you heard from Nathan?” she asked quietly.
My heart sank.
Something was really wrong.
“No.” I shook my head and got to my feet. “What’s going on? Is he okay?”
Gram watched me closely for a moment and then sighed. “Trevor Lewis has taken a turn, a bad turn, and the doctors don’t know if he’ll survive the night.”
“Oh my God, Gram.”
I fell back onto the settee and bent over, resting my hands on my knees as I stared at the floor. This was bad. Really bad. This would break Nathan.
“And Nathan knows?”
“Yes, but no one has seen him since this afternoon.”
My head shot up at that. “What do you mean, no one has seen him? Wasn’t he with his uncle?”
Gram nodded and sat down beside me, her warm arm around my shoulders as she pulled me in tight. “He was, but he was upset when he learned the news and…”
“And what? His uncle thought it was okay to let him take off alone? Doesn’t he know how screwed up Nathan’s head is?” I jumped to my feet, my voice incredulous. “He blames himself, Gram, and that kind of hurt isn’t good. That kind of hurt can make you do crazy things.”
I slipped my feet back into my sneakers. “If Trevor dies…” My voice trailed off as I thought of Nate, and the fear inside me tripled.
“Do you think he would…” Gram paused, her hand over her mou
th. “Do you think he would hurt himself?”
“No! I mean, I don’t know.” God, I hope not.
I thought back to the year before. To a time when I had a total disconnect from everyone. I knew what it felt like to think there was nothing…nothing that could make the pain go away.
And I knew how easy it was to consider a way out.
“I need to find him, Gram. Can I borrow the car?”
She nodded slowly and pulled the keys out of the pocket of her light gray sweater. “Take your cell phone. I’ll let you know if he shows up here.”
My mind was already racing ahead, wondering where he could be. I started down the steps, nearly falling on my face as I tripped over the last one, and I was halfway to the car before I pulled up cold.
My cell.
I whipped it out and called him, but after three rings it went to voicemail. I left a message asking him to text me or call me as soon as possible, and then I sent a text to Brent.
Have you heard from Nate?
He answered almost immediately.
No. You? The guys are worried. He’s not picking up his cell.
Shit. I slid into the car.
Me: Let me know if you find him.
Brent: Will do. His car is missing.
Me: What? I thought he wasn’t supposed to drive.
Brent: He’s not. His parents are freaking out.
I stared at the flickering screen and sent one last text.
Me: Sorry to hear about Trevor.
Brent: It’s so screwed up.
It was so much more than that. I gunned the car and hoped like heck Gram wasn’t watching, because honestly, I barely missed her prized geraniums as I barreled down the driveway and headed for town.
It was the only place I knew to go, but once I got there, I wasn’t exactly sure where to look. I drove past the fairgrounds where the Peach Festival had been held but it was empty. Nothing going on.
The baseball diamond next door was dark as was the football field behind the high school. I drove down Main Street and followed the signs to the hospital, retracing the route I’d taken only a few weeks earlier.
Weird. It felt so long ago. The festival. That first “non-date.” How had he managed to mean so much to me in such a short time?
I thought that maybe I loved Nathan.
No. That was wrong. I didn’t think anymore. I was sure of it.
I loved Nathan Everets, and I couldn’t picture my tomorrow without him in it.
“Crap,” I said aloud, glancing in my rearview mirror to make sure no one was behind me.
I had no idea if he would come to the hospital, but it was a place to start. I parked as best I could, considering I had to parallel-park Gram’s giant-ass car, and two minutes later, I ran through the front doors.
Trevor was on the fifth floor, and when I got off the elevator, the lounge area near the nurses’ station was empty. The whole place was quiet.
It smelled.
It smelled like pain and fear and death.
A walk around the nurses’ station and a quick glance down each hallway that led from the main desk told me the place was deserted. More than a little nervous, I returned to the lounge, unsure what to do.
I sat on the old, worn vinyl sofa that I’d sat on before and shoved my hands underneath my legs for warmth, shivering when I heard someone cry out from down the hall. Was it a patient? Or a family member.
I guess it didn’t matter, because either way, it meant that someone was in pain. Someone hurt, and that sucked.
A nurse at the station smiled at me. She looked young. Too young to be a nurse, but her pretty eyes and soft smile made me feel a little better. “Can I help you, hon? Visiting hours are nearly over.”
I shook my head. “I should go,” I said and jumped to my feet.
“Who are you here to see?” she asked.
“It’s fine. No one.”
I ran to the elevator, and once inside, pressed M for the main floor. The doors started to slide back into place but a large, meaty hand stopped them and a tall man stepped in with me.
I knew this man. I knew his tortured eyes. His large, powerful shoulders. The tattoos.
I recognized him from the last time I’d been here with Nathan. It was Trevor’s dad.
And boy, did he look awful.
We rode down in silence, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t even know I was there. He was off somewhere, somewhere dark and sad, and when he stepped off, I followed.
I followed him out the front doors of the hospital and down the side until he stopped near a stone bench and a waterfall. I shivered slightly as I watched him pull out a cigarette and light it.
He took a long drag and leaned against the bench, head bent toward the starless sky as he slowly exhaled.
I watched him take another long drag. I stepped back, wishing the shadows were darker here. Why had I followed him? What was I doing? I needed to find Nathan, not stalk Trevor’s dad.
“Do you know him?”
I jumped at the sound of his voice and glanced around quickly just to make sure he wasn’t talking to someone else. But there was no one there.
Shit.
“No,” I said carefully.
Trevor’s dad glanced my way, and the unmistakable sheen of tears glistened on his face. He didn’t try to wipe them. He just took another drag and flicked his ashes onto the ground.
“So why are you here?”
I stared back at him, unsure and more than a little intimidated by his size and his pain. I remembered how angry he’d been with Nathan. How he had threatened to kick Nathan’s ass if he ever…
Panicked, I took a step closer.
“I’m looking for Nathan.” The words tumbled from me before I could take them back, and I waited for his reaction, my gut churning with fear and my heart hurting at the pain in his eyes.
He didn’t say anything. He just watched me for a few seconds and then took another drag before tossing his cigarette. Carefully he ground the butt with his booted foot and then pushed off from the bench.
He was too quiet, and suddenly I was more than a little scared—not for me, but for Nathan.
“Did you…did he come by? His parents are worried and I know that…” I need to find him.
He stopped a few inches from me, this large, powerfully built man. His hands were tight at his sides, fisted, and I took a step back.
“Who are you?”
Surprised, I didn’t answer at first, and he shifted his feet, exhaling tiredly as he rolled his shoulders. The lines around his eyes deepened, sinking into his skin. I held my breath, not sure what to expect, but then he whispered, “Never mind.”
He moved past me and I turned to watch him, unsure what I should do or say to make things right. I wanted to make things right. I wanted him not to hurt.
Everything about the man screamed pain. God, there was so much pain, and I was sick of it. It hung in the air, sucking up all the oxygen, making it hard to breathe.
It slid over me. Into me. And I stumbled, tears springing to my eyes at the unfairness of it all.
What had I, or Nathan, or this man done to deserve the crap-ton of hurt thrown our way? Had we pissed off the higher power? Had we done something so bad that we needed this heavy dose of pain to tip the scales back to where they were supposed to be?
Was it just our bad luck? Or was it fate?
Or maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe there wasn’t a reason or a plan and I was overthinking everything. Maybe things just were, and the good and the bad happened for no reason other than they just did.
Stuff came at us, and it was up to each of us to handle it. Some of us survived and others, well, others just didn’t. Maybe that was the point of it all.
But if you were like me, you survived because someone gave you a reason to.
“He’s so sorry,” I whispered. “You have no idea.”
Trevor’s dad stopped but didn’t turn around, and I took that as a sign to keep going.
“Nathan would never hurt Trevor on purpose. The way he talks about him…it’s like they’re brothers or something, and it’s killing him to know he made a mistake that put his best friend in the hospital.”
My voice caught and I shuddered, cold and frustrated.
“I know that what happened to your son is the most awful thing ever—”
“You don’t know shit, little girl.”
I swallowed hard as Trevor’s dad turned around and glared at me. “Who are you again?” he barked.
“Monroe. My name is Monroe Blackwell. I’m just a friend and…and you might not like to hear this, because I know that most adults don’t like it when a kid tells them that, well, tells them that they’re wrong.” I paused and prayed for strength. “You’re wrong.”
He took a step closer, and that fear inside me expanded until I was trembling. But I didn’t back down. I couldn’t. I needed to make him understand. I needed to do this for the boy I loved.
“You’re wrong to hate Nathan for what happened to your son,” I gasped. “So, so wrong. It’s not fair.”
He made a sound—something almost inhuman—and took another step toward me. His eyes glistened with a hardness that made me flinch.
“Who the hell are you to preach to me about what’s wrong or what’s not fair? I’ll tell you what’s not fair. It’s not fair that my son is lying in a hospital bed where he’s been for over three months. It’s not fair that now he’s battling an infection that could kill him.” He scrubbed at his eyes. “They think he’s leaving us tonight, did you know that? The doctor told us this morning that they don’t expect him to make it. Christ, Trevor isn’t even seventeen. What in hell is fair about that?”
“Nothing,” I whispered. “Nothing about this is fair, don’t you see? What if Trevor had been driving that night and it was Nathan in a coma? Would you think that your son deserved all this hatred? All this blame?”
“Trevor wasn’t driving the damn car!” he roared.
“But he could have been.” How could I make him see? “He could have been! We’re kids. We make mistakes. We screw up and sometimes we screw up so badly that people get hurt. Haven’t you ever done something so wrong or so bad that you wished you could take it back?”
Boys Like You Page 15
