I have.
My voice broke, and he looked away as I struggled to keep it together. “Look, we don’t know each other and I’ve never met Trevor. But from what Nate told me, I think that, no,” I shook my head, “no, I know that Trevor would hate what you’re doing to his best friend. I know that Trevor would be big enough to forgive Nathan.”
Tears shimmered in his eyes, and my heart turned over at the raw pain I saw there. “Forgive. That’s a joke,” he said hoarsely. “It’s so damn hard.”
I nodded. “I know. It’s hard not to blame someone. It’s hard to just accept when something awful happens because it hurts so much, but I…” I paused and choked back my own tears. “I don’t think Trevor would want his best friend to be broken for the rest of his life. I think that Trevor would want his family to be compassionate. I think he would want them to forgive.”
Trevor’s father didn’t say anything else. He looked away, stared at the ground for a few seconds, and then turned around.
He disappeared into the shadows, leaving only the sound of his footfalls to echo into the silence. To echo into my head.
And it seemed as if I stood there for forever, until the sound went away and I was able to move.
I turned in the opposite direction and let the shadows fall over me, but their darkness offered no relief. They only offered a window to disappear into—a moment in time—and I wondered if Nathan had found his own window. His own shadow.
And I wondered if it felt as empty as mine.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Monroe
It was close to midnight when I finally parked the Matlock in Gram’s driveway. A light rain had started a few hours ago, and the temperature had gotten warmer instead of cooler. Thunder and lightning cut across the sky, but the rain remained steady, falling in soft waves against the windshield.
“Where are you, Nathan?” I asked the darkness, but of course there was no answer.
It felt like I had driven up and down every freaking street in Twin Oaks and then I’d headed to the drive-in, but there was no bush party tonight. I’d even swung by Baker’s Landing, hoping that maybe he was there, but again it was quiet, with only the swans in the pond to greet me.
I was trying to be strong. Trying not to be mad at Nathan, but it was hard when I was basically going insane. I don’t even know why I bothered coming back to Gram’s—it’s not like I was going to be able to sleep or anything—but I’d called her and told her I’d be home by midnight, and really, where else could I go? I didn’t know where else to look.
I slipped out of the car and trudged toward the porch but paused, one foot on the bottom step, head to the sky as the rain slid over my cheeks. Somewhere in the darkness, I heard an owl. The sound was so lonely and sad. So freaking appropriate.
What was I doing? There was no way I could sleep.
I took a step back and then walked around the house. In the distance, the shadows were thicker, and my eyes moved over the large crypt where the family bones were buried.
Fireflies danced around the edge of the cemetery, appearing between the raindrops, only to disappear in a flash. And there just beyond the maze…the maze.
Oh my God, the maze!
I ran like a crazy person, nearly falling when my feet slipped in the wet grass, but didn’t stop until I zigzagged through the familiar path and stopped in the center. Our center.
It was darker in here, the shadows falling from the six-foot-high hedge even thicker than outside, and with the rain sliding across my skin and into my eyes, at first I thought it was empty.
But then a shadow moved, there in the corner, and I held my breath, afraid that if I exhaled, my world would shatter and the vision would disappear. And I needed it not to disappear. I needed it to be real.
Nathan.
Gram told me once that there are moments that stay with us for the rest of our lives. Some of them are beautiful. Some are painful. And some don’t seem to matter at all until much later.
But some, like this one, this moment about to happen, had the potential to be life-altering.
Nate scrubbed at his eyes, and that long hair of his was a mess of crazy waves that curled around his face and was plastered to his neck. His T-shirt clung to him, wet and transparent, his jeans equally soaked. Rain slid off him the same way it rolled off my skin, and as he stepped closer, I could see the pain in his eyes.
He hunched his shoulders forward and looked down at the ground. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice rough. “I drove until I couldn’t drive anymore. I ditched my car down the road. I’ve been here for hours, but I didn’t know what to do. What to say. So I just ignored everyone.” He shuddered. “Even you.”
Right now, here in this place that was ours, I didn’t care about any of it. I only cared about him. About stopping his pain and helping him the way he’d helped me. Something fierce burned in my chest, something hot and wonderful and scary.
Something that maybe should wait, but I knew I wasn’t strong enough to push it back. But was I strong enough to deal with the fallout?
“I love you,” I whispered.
His head whipped up and he dragged his hand across his forehead, slicking his hair back out of his eyes.
“What?”
I took the steps that brought us so close I felt the heat radiating off him, and I placed my hands on his chest. I felt his heart beating. Heard the ragged breaths falling from his chest.
And I looked up into eyes that I could lose myself in.
“I know it probably sounds crazy to you. I mean, we just met not that long ago, but I love you, Nathan.”
My hands slipped around his waist and I rested my head in the crook of his neck. I love you.
He shook against me, his body tense, and then his hands slid around my shoulders and he crushed me to him, his nose against my neck.
“I need you,” he whispered. “So much. So damn much.”
He jerked his head up, and then his hands were in my hair, tugging me until I was forced to look into his eyes.
“I love you, Monroe. God, I’ve never felt this way about a girl but…I just…there’s so much shit and I don’t know how to deal with it, and Trevor…he…”
Nathan rested his forehead against mine, and for a few moments, we breathed into each other.
For the first time in forever, I felt settled—which was crazy. And yet, it felt as if all the pieces of my life that had been moving, shifting, trying to find their way back, had finally clicked into place.
I was where I was supposed to be, and sure I was battered and had been beaten down, but I had made it through and I was whole. I was whole and I was alive and I was in love with a boy who wasn’t quite there yet. A boy who had held my hand and gotten me to this place.
“I need you to not do this anymore, Nate. I need you to be strong, like you were for me, and I need you to forgive yourself.”
“He could die,” Nate whispered. “I knew it was a possibility, but I never thought…I thought he was going to wake up. I thought he was going to wake up and give me hell, you know? Hit me or yell at me or…something. I didn’t think he would just…end.”
“I know.”
“I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so pissed off and angry and I hate myself for what I did to him. I go over that night. Over and over. I relive it, you know? And it drives me crazy because I can’t remember the moment when it went wrong, and I don’t know how to get past that.”
“Let me help you, Nathan.”
His voice broke. “How?”
Carefully, I pulled his hand into mine and stepped back. “Do you trust me?” Did I trust myself? When had I become the expert on healing? Me, the girl who had gone to therapy for over a year because I’d been so broken. The girl who had cut her wrists because she didn’t want to deal.
And yet, as I looked into his eyes, I had
such a feeling of rightness inside me that I was able to push back all the negative thoughts. The ones that said there was no hope. Only pain.
The ones that said I could lose Nathan if I wasn’t careful.
I thought back to that day when I was eleven. To that hot afternoon on Gram’s porch when she’d told me that I could do anything as long as I put my mind to it. And suddenly I knew she was right. She’d been right all along.
“I need you to trust me.”
Nate said nothing.
“I need for you to let me catch you. Do you understand?” I touched his cheek again. Traced a line to his mouth and then stood on my toes so that I could kiss him. It was a gentle touch—a soft brush of the lips that cemented our connection.
“I won’t let you fall,” I whispered.
He nodded. It was enough.
“Okay,” I said. “Let’s go.”
“Where?”
I swallowed my fear and tried to smile, though I wasn’t sure it worked all that well. I knew we stood on the edge of a cliff, but I also felt like we could survive the fall.
We had to survive, or what was the point of it all?
“Let’s go see Trevor.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Nathan
The hospital was quiet when we arrived, with only a few cars in the parking lot and even fewer on the street outside. The rain had stopped, but the humidity hung in the air like a thick blanket, covering everything in gray mist.
Monroe slid into a parking spot behind a truck—the Lewises’ truck—and that sick feeling in my gut churned hard. I didn’t know if I had the balls to do this. I thought of the last time I had come here—of the anger that lived inside Trevor’s dad—and despite Brenda’s plea for me to come, I wasn’t so sure he wouldn’t kick my ass on sight.
Maybe it’s what I wanted.
Maybe I’d let him.
My cell vibrated, and I yanked it from my jeans. It was a wonder the stupid thing still worked, considering it had been wet for hours.
It was my mom. I’d finally sent her a text letting her know I was all right and that I was with Monroe. I told her that I was going to the hospital and that I didn’t know when I would be home. I glanced down to read her text.
I love you. So does Trevor.
Shit. My eyes burned again and I pocketed the cell, breathing out hard.
“Hey,” Monroe said softly. “Are you ready?”
No.
“Yeah.”
She leaned toward me and pressed her mouth to mine. It was just a soft touch, but I tasted the salt from her tears, the warmth of her soul, and the depth of her emotions. I felt that kiss all the way inside me where it settled next to my heart.
This girl had every part of me. Every single part.
“I’m glad you’re here,” I said, pulling back as that sick feeling heaved inside me again. “Because I don’t think I could do this by myself.”
She threaded her fingers through mine and squeezed my hand. “You’re not alone, Nathan. Not anymore.” She angled her head, her hair still wet and sticking to her neck. “I’d like to meet Trevor now.”
She stared at me, her clothes wrinkled—my T-shirt two sizes too big—and I thought that she was the most perfect creature I’d ever seen.
“Trevor would have thought you were the coolest thing ever.”
“I’m counting on it,” she said slowly and then opened her door.
Less than five minutes later, we stood on the fifth floor, and the fear that had been dodging me all day was back, and it was back hard. I dropped Monroe’s hand and shoved my own deep into the pockets of my jeans, avoiding the curious gazes from the nurses behind the station.
“Can I help you?”
The tall one came around the desk, eyebrows arched as she waited for us to answer.
“I…” Shit, my voice sounded worse than when I was twelve and it started to change. I cleared my throat, my gaze moving past the nurse to where Trevor’s room was.
“Nathan’s here to see his friend, Trevor Lewis,” Monroe said.
The nurse’s eyes narrowed, and she cocked her head, her eyes never leaving me. A moment passed. And then another.
My heart sank, because I saw the recognition in her eyes. She knew who I was. The screwup who was responsible for Trevor being here. There was no way she was going to let me walk past the damn desk.
What the hell had I been thinking?
“He needs to see Trevor,” Monroe said forcefully. “You have to at least let him try.”
“Honey, I don’t need to do anything,” the nurse replied, her hands now on her hips as if she’d made it her own personal mission to keep us away.
“Brenda…” I looked her in the eye. “Brenda Lewis, his mom, told me to come by when I saw her today. She said that he might…” I rolled my shoulders and tried to keep it cool. “She said that he might not make it ’til morning.”
Shit. Hearing those words was tough; saying them was even tougher.
Something softened in her eyes and she sighed, shaking her head. “I’m sure she meant for you to come before nine. I’m sorry, but it’s too late, and it’s against hospital policy.” She shook her head. “I’m going to have to ask the both of you to leave.”
And that was it. Over before it could start.
“Are you kidding?” Monroe pushed past me, and for a second, I thought she might actually hurt the nurse. “Can’t you see what this means to him? Trevor is his best friend. He has to see him. You have to let him.”
The nurse shrugged. “I understand what you’re saying, but we have rules and we have them for a reason, and if you don’t leave quietly, I’ll have to call security.”
“Monroe, it’s no use. Let’s just go.” I grabbed her elbow and would have turned except I heard a voice call my name, softly, but there was no mistaking the gruff undertone.
“Nathan.”
I looked past the nurse and spied Mike Lewis standing just outside Trevor’s room, and if it was possible for everything inside me to freeze, it did. My lungs. My heart. My brain. Everything stopped, like time was winding backward. I felt like I was standing in ice, as if the blood rushing through my veins was frozen and slow.
The nurse was still chattering in my ear, though she’d moved a bit and I had nothing blocking my view. I had no idea what she was saying, because there was nothing but Mike in my vision. In my head.
Nothing but a slow blow to my heart.
Trev’s dad looked as if he’d aged ten years since I had seen him. His skin was gray and his eyes, shit, his eyes were sunken, glassy, and so full of pain, I felt it like a physical blow.
As if he’d balled up those massive fists at his side and smashed them into my face.
For the longest time, he stared at me, those sad, angry, and haunted eyes pinning me hard. I wasn’t sure what he was going to do. Was he going to finally kick my ass? Would that somehow make him feel better?
Because I gotta tell you that if it would, I’d gladly let him beat me. I’d let him lay his hands on me and get whatever relief he could. Anything to make his pain go away.
He pushed off from the wall and walked toward us, his gait slow. He was a big man, intimidating to most with his shaved head, tattoos, and massive shoulders. Yet when I looked at him, I saw the guy who took Trevor and me fishing every Friday after school when we were ten. The guy who helped us build go-karts and who rushed me to the emergency room when I broke my arm after an epic crash.
I saw the guy who let us play our loud ass music ’til all hours of the evening and who would watch us, bobbing his head even though I knew he’d rather listen to Big & Rich.
I saw the guy whose heart I had shattered.
He stopped a few inches away, his sleeveless wife-beater stained down the front of his chest—coffee maybe—and it was wrinkled, like he’d s
lept in it or grabbed it off the floor to come here.
He rolled his shoulders, his eyes never leaving me, but there was no danger in his voice when he spoke. He just sounded really tired.
“You look like shit, Everets.”
I nodded. “I guess I do.”
Mike ran his hand along at least a week’s worth of stubble on his chin and his eyes slid to Monroe. “You again.”
Wait. What? When the hell had they met?
I looked at Monroe, but she faced Mike Lewis, legs spread, arms at the ready as if… Hell, she looked like she was willing to fight him if she had to. And if it was possible for my heart to squeeze even tighter, it did.
That’s what this girl did to me.
“Me again,” she said softly.
“Mr. Lewis, I was just telling them it was too late for visiting hours.” The nurse shifted on her feet, suddenly unsure.
Yeah, it was a long night, I got that, but I didn’t care that she was tired of my shit. I didn’t care about anything other than Trevor.
“I thought about what you said,” Mike said gruffly, his gaze still on Monroe. “You were right.”
I watched the two of them, not really understanding what was going on and wondering when the hell Monroe had hooked up with Trevor’s dad.
“Thank you,” Monroe said quietly.
“For what?” Mike answered.
“For being strong enough. For letting him in,” Monroe replied.
Mike nodded abruptly and asked, “Can I have a moment with Nathan?”
“Actually, I’ve got to go,” Monroe said softly.
My gaze swung from Trevor’s dad back to Monroe. “What? No.”
Dammit. I couldn’t do this without her.
I reached for her but she ducked away, shaking her head, her soft eyes wide, their paleness shimmering beneath the harsh lights overhead.
“This isn’t the place for me. Not right now.” She hunched her shoulders. “Go. See your friend. Be with Trevor.”
Boys Like You Page 16
